Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

452 replies

bagpuss90 · 19/09/2021 23:25

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 20/09/2021 09:42

Does sound like, with her making a comment about you being a control freak, that you both may be very similar, and this is where the problem lies. It irks you because control freaks hate someone else being in control. I’m similar with sister, and it causes issues regularly. I try to step back and tell myself it doesn’t matter, but it’s so difficult!

Warmduscher · 20/09/2021 09:43

The camping equipment thing sounds like she might suffer from anxiety. Still no excuse for the passport nonsense and you need to be clear to her about it so she can see that terrible things do not come about because an adult chooses not to hand over their passport to someone else for safekeeping.

This might help her in the long run to only worry about things she needs to worry about.

Shallwegoforawalk · 20/09/2021 09:43

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Have you got an old passport? Give her that and watch her panic when she sees it is out of date!!
Haha brilliant!

She is batshit OP and anyone sane can see this (even Devils Advocate Bluntness who loves a good stir of the pot).

I would want to reply with "You're the one who wants to control the passports of competent adults but I'm the control freak? Yeah right GrinGrinGrin" but I understand this may not go well. Ach I'd still do it.

Please keep us updated OP, I reckon if this is the start we could get at least 3 threads of SIL batshittery out of your holiday. Feeling sorry for you already!

CountryCob · 20/09/2021 09:49

Clearly no one in their right mind is going to agree to handing over your passport. What an odd thing to ask for. Would be reconsidering the holiday if it was me, a lot of effort and could do something else. Can you stay home and DP go if they are still keen?

bigbluebus · 20/09/2021 09:49

I often end up being trip 'organiser' by default when going away with friends but I can honestly say it has never occurred to me to take control of the passports of other adults in the party. We do, however, if travelling without our partners, make sure that another party member has a photo of the others passport and a phone number for husbands/partners in case of emergency.

Your SIL is being the control freak here.

WellLarDeDar · 20/09/2021 09:49

Is there ay way you can only go for the first half of the holiday so you can make an early exit? She sounds like a right loony. Why on earth would she think you'd all give her your passports and boarding passes. Does she want your spending money too so she can give you pocket money every day?

CoolNoMore · 20/09/2021 09:55

Uh oh, I've just been massively triggered by this. When DH and I had been going out for a couple of years my MiL and (now ex) stepFiL generously took us on holiday. We were about 25, but yup, ex-step FiL took our passports and boarding passes and put them in alphabetical order. Nobody was allowed to touch them. At the airport when he had gone to the loo, DH shuffled them all up to lighten the mood. The panic on MiL and SiL's faces will never leave me Confused

There were a couple of times on that trip I was tempted to buy myself an early flight and get the hell out of there but of course there was no point - he had my passport. Hideous.

Did I mention that they're divorced now?!

MsTSwift · 20/09/2021 09:55

I’m wary of putting them in the safe. I did so on a work trip there was an extreme weather event no electricity 🙄. So the fancy safe wouldn’t open and no one would help as the staff had all fled. Had to go to the embassy and beg a permit to travel to get hone. Never saw anything I put in that safe again 🙄

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/09/2021 09:55

Ah - maybe because 1 day with her and you will be running for the airport... She needs to stop your escape!!

FinallyFluid · 20/09/2021 10:01

My DH who, if he was anymore laid back would be in a coma, turns into a lunatic in two places.

Supermarkets, I refuse to go into one with him these days, he gets in and out like his arse was on fire. I on the other hand quite like a mooch.

He also turns into a basket case at airports, I long ago decided that it was easier to let him have my passport and let him hand it back to me when required, but the minute we are through border control he hands it back to me and wouldn't dream of keeping it for a minute longer.

I am happy to put him in his comfort zone as he has much to recommend him,Grin but there is no way I would entertain handing it over to anyone else.

Tell your SIL to jog on.

Brefugee · 20/09/2021 10:04

The camping equipment thing sounds like she might suffer from anxiety.

then SIL needs treatment for the anxiety, not making batshit demands on other people. If my SIL had tried the camping stuff thing with me I'd have told her then and there that she wasn't having it and to make alternative arrangements.

MsTSwift · 20/09/2021 10:06

Dh had two undercover border cops on a train in California be really really horrible to him and said they could arrest him because he wasn’t carrying his passport with him! They demanded to know the details of his flight home which he didn’t know as I had booked it! Dh was terrified the rest of the trip and took it everywhere no way would I do that police or no police recipe for losing it.

FinallyFluid · 20/09/2021 10:09

Just wandered into the office, it was pre pandemic my front room.Confused and told DH about this thread.

He said I bet I look a bargain by comparison. Grin

Bythemillpond · 20/09/2021 10:13

Apart from the age, you could be talking about my mother or dh.

Tell her you won’t be giving anyone your passport of boarding passes and if she wants to be organised then she can organise herself and you hope this controlling behaviour and insistence that everyone jumps to her requests isn’t going to ruin the holiday.
You are going on holiday to meet up with family and also do your own thing, get up when you want and go to bed when you want so you hope she hasn’t scheduled anything.

I would also reply when she calls you controlling that you aren’t controlling anyone. You aren’t the one wanting to control peoples passports and boarding passes.

Personally I would actually start playing with her. When she says she is already packed I would reply that you will throw a few things in a bag the night before or on the morning you are leaving just to wind her up. Anything she gets overly organised about I would tell her you are doing the most laid back thing you can think of that gets the same results.

Booking a taxi to the airport months in advance = We will just go to the main road and flag down a cab. I am sure we can get one.

I wouldn’t tell her or your Dh you had already booked the taxi. Just make her sweat.

Dh also has these sort of tendencies
I have had a life time of winding him up when he starts to spiral and imagines all sorts of scenarios if he isn’t in charge.

annacondom · 20/09/2021 10:16

YABU if you don't come back here in six weeks and tell us how it went, OP. Please keep a diary and prepare your sympathetic smile and plenty of "No, I don't think so" when she presents you with her plans orders for the day. With your diary notes you'll have the basis for a great sitcom!

TheFoundations · 20/09/2021 10:19

I would question her, quietly and calmly, each time she tries to take over responsibility for something that's got nothing to do with her.

'Why do you think you'll be better at looking after my passport than I am?'

pictish · 20/09/2021 10:25

@Bythemillpond

Apart from the age, you could be talking about my mother or dh.

Tell her you won’t be giving anyone your passport of boarding passes and if she wants to be organised then she can organise herself and you hope this controlling behaviour and insistence that everyone jumps to her requests isn’t going to ruin the holiday.
You are going on holiday to meet up with family and also do your own thing, get up when you want and go to bed when you want so you hope she hasn’t scheduled anything.

I would also reply when she calls you controlling that you aren’t controlling anyone. You aren’t the one wanting to control peoples passports and boarding passes.

Personally I would actually start playing with her. When she says she is already packed I would reply that you will throw a few things in a bag the night before or on the morning you are leaving just to wind her up. Anything she gets overly organised about I would tell her you are doing the most laid back thing you can think of that gets the same results.

Booking a taxi to the airport months in advance = We will just go to the main road and flag down a cab. I am sure we can get one.

I wouldn’t tell her or your Dh you had already booked the taxi. Just make her sweat.

Dh also has these sort of tendencies
I have had a life time of winding him up when he starts to spiral and imagines all sorts of scenarios if he isn’t in charge.

Nah. It’s hard work and creates conflict. The objective is to enjoy the trip.

Just be true. Compromise where reasonable and beneficial, cheerfully decline when not. If things become heated, calmly suggest cooling off and leave. Let sil create a scene if she is so inclined…it will be a solo performance.

toolazytothinkofausername · 20/09/2021 10:29

Not an excuse, but she sounds like she is neurodiverse in some form. She needs your DH to explain to her that this is not normal behaviour, and she may need some help with her anxiety control issues.

toolazytothinkofausername · 20/09/2021 10:31

I have Autism, and I pack many weeks before we leave Blush

I also have a schedule and timings of what we are doing each day.

BoredZelda · 20/09/2021 10:32

If you hand it over to someone else for 'safekeeping', you're no longer in control of what happens to it. I'm not suggesting any criminal intent on the part of this SiL; nonetheless, that is the reality.

Of course you aren’t in control of it. That doesn’t mean anything in this scenario is illegal.

In my world, handing over all passports and tickets to the Alpha of the party is unusual. Admittedly I'm not in the practice of running school trips. But this isn't a school trip.

It isn’t always handing them to an “Alpha”. There can be so many reasons it is done. Not least because when uncle Jack gets pissed and “loses” his passport at the airport, it is the whole group who suffers. Or when Aunt Jane knows she packed it somewhere, oh where did she put it now, and has to unpack her case on the concourse and everyone is stressed out about it, that affects the whole group. Perhaps SIL has bitter experience with this group and that’s why she has asked.

I know when MIL goes on her holidays with a group of friends, there is always one person in charge of the documents. None of them are alpha or controlling, it just works for them.

RB68 · 20/09/2021 10:34

How about being a bit conciliatory and saying its a great idea for someone to hold the copies of passports all in one place just in case but that the originals should really stay with the owners incase people are separated at security etc. Same for any other important documents like travel and medical insurance.

ChargingBuck · 20/09/2021 10:36

Say you'll be looking after your own & DH passports

Eh?

@twoundertwo22 - You (rightly) this the SiL is batshit for wanting to hold another adult's passport, but assume it's OP's job to ... let me get this straight ... hold another adult's passport?

blubberyboo · 20/09/2021 10:42

OP are you all booked on the holiday as one collective party or did you make your own separate bookings?

I hope you made separate bookings which allows you access to your own boarding passes and seat choices etc.
Otherwise she’s going to micromanage that and not let you have boarding passes.
You could send her details of passport if she is lead Booker and needs to complete API info.
But I would not be giving her my passport. You are not a frigging child

ChargingBuck · 20/09/2021 10:42

@TomFuckery

Put your DH's and your passport into your bag and tell her that she's not having them You need to be united on this one Failing that and he hands his over to her he won't be playing 'hide the sausage in Slovakia' or wherever you're going.
Gordon Bennett here's another one.

So your answer to SiL's control freakery is for OP to go full control freak on her DH?

Insist on holding his passport for him, & withhold sex until he obeys her conditions?

Bythemillpond · 20/09/2021 10:43

pictish

I just thought I might as well get some enjoyment watching my mother or Dh spiral when they thought they were losing control.

This year Dd and myself were diagnosed with ADHD. Although they have never met, my dd is very much like my mother in her responses to things. I am more, away with the fairies, than the Quick let’s get everything done fast type.
Having read and watched videos about ADHD in general and in females I would say that my whole family has ADHD.
Dh I would like him to get assessed as he also is definitely ND. But he won’t.

I think someone needs to point out to your SIL that she does need help.