Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

I wouldn't want to as if she loses them it's on her, but if you lose yours it only would affect you and be your fault. Why take on all the responsibilities of peoples properties? It's like putting all your eggs in one basket... I wouldn't hand it over either

@Brollywasntneededafterall this is GENIUS!

Wow! Your SIL sounds very rude actually. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. Hold her at arms length.

As I have said I have years of experience with this type of person.
I think the only way to get through it all is to detach and then detach some more and then do your own thing

I would have my own agenda and if it matches up with the family then go but I would take all her orders as being directed at the rest of the family and they don’t apply to you.

I have been funnelling my inner Elsa since before Elsa was thought of.

Let it all go and let it waft over you like it doesn’t apply to you

Your passport is an important legal document that is your responsibility. My husband and I have always looked after our own, even though we totally trust each other. You are absolutely right to hold on to yours.

Sounds like you are all joining a dictatorship, Christ how long is the holiday ? I would be counting the minutes until it's over
No way would I be going

has your DP given his passport to her? What about the rest of the people going? What a weirdo though, no chance in hell I'd be handing my passport over to another adult like a child!

It sounds like she's really inexperienced and anxious.

Holding onto the passports and boarding passes has strong "Dad taking family on holiday to the Canaries for the first time, circa 1986" vibes.

This kind of overplanning might make her feel more relaxed, but God it's stressful for everyone else (especially those of us whose packing strategy is strongly "morning of departure").

@Balonzette

Not sure where you're going but here, I needed passport number to book a nice boat cruise or a trip to a beautiful mountain resort or even a national park, theme park, etc. Basically everywhere passports are needed (if the locals where you live have I.D cards then this could be what it is as would mean that non-locals would need an equally official form of I.D - basically a passport. Might explain her overreaction (if she's grieving, might mean a lot to her that everything is perfect, goes to plan, etc).

So does the SIL intend that the group should do everything together, activities of her choosing?

@justmetoday

I dont understand why it matters who has the passports. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Seems like youre making a huge deal about nothing because you dont like her. I mean, its a little odd that she would suggest it, but if it makes her happy just leave her to it? If shes such an organized contol freak its very unlikely that shes gonna lose all of them.

Wow... Am astonished anyone thinks this. It matters massively....

These are essential legal documents... Like hell would i let anyone else 'keep hold' of them.

I mean, it would be impossible to leave the holiday country without it...

Anyone attempting to shepherd eight - eight! - adults on holiday and needing it to be perfect is en route to a spectacular breakdown. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think DP just wants a quiet life. Believe me if it wasn’t for the bereavement I wouldn’t be going .I’m sure I will find out in due course if everyone else is handing theirs over . I can’t imagine a couple of them doing it.
I hope I’m not a control freak. I’ve no desire to control anyone just a strong desire not to have anyone control me. Besides which I don’t like the idea of not looking after my own passport

When we were on holiday with mil (or just generally) and she was controlling I would just go with a breezy “no, thank you”
If she pushed as to why I would just say I didn’t want to

Honestly OP if I was asked by my SIL to handover my passport I'd just laugh. Is she a teacher? Sounds like a school trip. Will she keep all your medicines safe too? No way would I hand that over!

@bagpuss90

I think DP just wants a quiet life. Believe me if it wasn’t for the bereavement I wouldn’t be going .I’m sure I will find out in due course if everyone else is handing theirs over . I can’t imagine a couple of them doing it. I hope I’m not a control freak. I’ve no desire to control anyone just a strong desire not to have anyone control me. Besides which I don’t like the idea of not looking after my own passport

I mean is the one who wants to hold their own passport or the one who wants to hold their own plus everyone elses the control freak? I think the question answers itself tbh

Please tell me you’re not all staying in a villa where no one can escape(!) 🤦‍♀️ I think a hotel trip away would just about be bearable in these circumstances, at least you can all go off to your own rooms for some breathing space 😬

Managing your own property isn't you being controlling op...

This is crazy. A quick google of passport security shows many reputable websites advise against giving someone your passport, no matter who they are, ie, an employer or 'the most responsible person in the group'.

Can you imagine if she was pickpocketed or just made a mistake and you all lost them?!

calling you a control freak is projection

Christ I get little flutters of horror at the idea of handing over my passport. Has she not travelled much?

Anyway, remind her that if the passports of the people stupid enough to hand them over go missing that they'll get no help from their travel insurance.

@MsTSwift

Dh had two undercover border cops on a train in California be really really horrible to him and said they could arrest him because he wasn’t carrying his passport with him! They demanded to know the details of his flight home which he didn’t know as I had booked it! Dh was terrified the rest of the trip and took it everywhere no way would I do that police or no police recipe for losing it.

We had a similar experience in Arizona, about 30 miles from a Mexican border there was an Immigration check-point and we didn't have our passports, they were in the hotel safe. The officers said it was a constant problem with tourists who were advised to keep documents in hotel safes, we had our UK driving licenses which they accepted and subsequently always made sure that the photocopies we always had were in the car.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Don't go. You know it will be awful with her trying to boss everyone and your DP being their meat in the sandwich and the prize in the bossing contest. Will he meekly hand over his PP to his sister or will he/you keep it? She will have won if you keep yours and he hands his over. Even if you win the PP battle she will set daily challenges to prove her power and everyone else's submission and you'll end up having a miserable time especially if everyone else falls into line. Frankly, I'd tell her to fuck off but then I don't much care what people think of me.

It can only turn into a contest if the OP joins in....as I said, calm, cheerful, faintly amused and confident. It absolutely does not matter what DP, who is also an adult, chooses to do.

Oh good, can you imagine being in the (extra long post-Brexit) passport queue, and everyone needs their own to go through and Holiday Kommandant is giving them out in alphabetical order in front of you…

@toolazytothinkofausername

I have Autism, and I pack many weeks before we leave

I also have a schedule and timings of what we are doing each day.

I have autism and throw some things in a bag the night before or if a late start, that morning. I figure so long as I have enough for a day or two I can buy anything I forgot. This comes after my luggage going missing more than once and never being returned. So I pack light and if it goes missing I'm not out too much money for replacements.
For the passport photocopy also take a picture on your phone. And OP you are correct sil is a control freak and I would never hand over my passport, as I'm allegedly a grown up.

Is being a self-proclaimed tour guide her special talent? Will she be using her tour guiding voice?