Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

@rookiemere

It is worth having a photo of your passport if - as happens to *@Ratatwat* - it gets lost. If you're wanting to play nice - but honestly at this stage I wouldn't be as she's seeing how far she can push you - you could send a photo of it.

We always have a couple of photocopies of our passports in case they get lost etc., even if you don't do that your should have the number of your pasport in your bag.

Apologies if this has already been said but all the boarding passes etc can go on your individual phones... and you can as for the booking ref and then put all your own passport details on yourself - we've done that with easy jet on family holidays before now, although God Knows how its working post pandemic.
Its possibly worth scanning or photographing your passport and sharing with DH in case something happens to it but I'd never give it to a SIL. She really wants to be "Airport Monitor" doesn't she. Lots of good and quite amusing advice on this thread. Hope you have a great holiday (after standing your ground).

The only people I allow to keep my passport are 1) embassies and 2) the travel coordinator at my company, who takes the passport to said embassies. YANBU.

As for boarding passes - is she going to put everyone's phones in a bag and carry it around? Because that's where my boarding pass would go - on my phone - so she can't just keep them herself.

She sounds nuts. Please update us on how the holiday goes OP

When we went away this summer my nephew (15) travelled out with me, then my DD(14) travelled back with SIL.

When I got to the airport I offered to look after DN’s passport (his mum warned me he leaves things in his wake) and he jumped at the offer. As we went through the journey, his was handed to him and retrieved at each use, along with those of my DC.

On arrival, he was staying with my MIL just along the road, I offered it back to him, he asked me to keep it! Then, I returned it to his parents (about a week after they arrived) and gave them DD’s.

It’s a bit different to look after a child’s passport. She is ridiculous

I don't even do that when I run a school trip! Imagine if I lost them all!

The 98% are right.

@JudgeJ

control issues maybe due to anxiety

Is 'anxiety' always the excuse for poor behaviour? Are people never just PITAs?

sure people are PITAs, I'm probably someone's pita right now that's part of being alive. but understanding (or at least trying to sympathetically) why people are like this is what makes us the best of being human, no?

@JudgeJ

control issues maybe due to anxiety

Is 'anxiety' always the excuse for poor behaviour? Are people never just PITAs?

I don't think it matters In these circs. For her own sanity and enjoyment and because she is doing this for DH, the aim, i think should be to get over the heavy ground as lightly as she can without driving herself crazy. PITA or person with issues doesn't matter....Ignore or war can be left for after the holiday

She's going to sell them Op, and then she'll return home and leave you all stranded.

She'll probably plant drugs in your luggage as well.

Your holiday is going to be a batshit event from beginning to end and I'm sorry for you Op, really I am, but you might as well make the best of a bad situation by starting a thread when you are on holiday with daily updates of the latest madness. You will be able to share the bonkerness and keep us entertained at the same time, you owe it us, you really do 😊

Nope.
I never give my passport to anyone. I freak out in hotels when they take them into a back room to photocopy them. Even if we go on holiday as a family (DP, kids and me) I keep the kids and mine together and DP keeps his himself.

When I lived at home I didn’t even like my mother having my passport after the age of 18. It’s my passport and despite having lost every bank card I’ve ever had, I have never lost my drivers licence or my passport ans I don’t see why anyone else needs to carry mine for me. Grown adults should keep their own passports on them/in their hotel rooms etc on holiday. Parents or legal guardians carry the passports of their children. Full stop. Tell her to get a life and your DP to grow a pair.

As everyone else has said, SIL has no need to keep everyone’s passports.

I think SIL has quite a few problems. She’s domineering, has obsessive/compulsive traits, alienates people, and her anxiety is pretty bad. I think that everyone will just decide to do what they want on this holiday regardless of what SIL wants, otherwise the other option is to be forced into doing what she wants all the time and being miserable.

How well do you get on with the other relatives, and could you all back each other over the passport issue?

Who did she say this to, that you are a control freak?

I think that everyone will just decide to do what they want on this holiday regardless of what SIL wants, otherwise the other option is to be forced into doing what she wants all the time and being miserable.

I hope so, but it doesn't bode well that OP's DH wants to give in for a 'quiet life'

We all know there's no such thing as a quiet life with people like this though, give an inch & she'll take a mile!

I’m wondering if her behaviour stems from anxiety. A simple ‘no thanks I’ll keep my own documents’ is easy enough.

I wouldn't trust your SIL as far as I could throw her. I'm amazed you're still agreeing to go on this trip.

Years ago, my ex's parents invited us on a family holiday. His Auntie apparently held the holiday 'purse'. 😁 🤣 Everyone else had a million kids and I had none. So every day I had to hand over £50 for the purse and off we went to kids days out and the parents choice of things as all the children came first, second and last. I said I wouldn't mind having some whole family days out but I'd want to go to places as a couple. Apparently I would still be handing over the money in advance then, so I had to do what they decided. I was in my late twenties at the time and immediately said no. The auntie never spoke to me again 😂 old bag.

If your partner wants to spend time with his family and would be happy to go without you, I'd be tempted to pull out.

Well the family are divided on this. Her siblings are “what does it matter?” Her sil and bil and myself are like “no fucking way!”
Her reasoning is that we might all lose our passports 😳. Just for the record -everyone holds down good jobs and no one has form for any disasters

No way I would go on holiday with my in laws full stop.

And what makes her think she has to act like mother hen?
She is as likely to loose the passports as anyone else is. Is she going to pay for them all if she looses them, one person with 6 passports what £80 each x 6 = £480
Why would she want that responsibility?

My answer is no I'll look after my own thanks!

@StargazerAli

If your partner wants to spend time with his family and would be happy to go without you, I'd be tempted to pull out.

Yes, I'm in favour of this.

Wow. I can't imagine expecting another adult to give me their passport for safekeeping.

This sounds like it's partly an anxiety thing, which compels her to be controlling in an attempt to reduce her worries.

Could she possibly be autistic? It's under diagnosed in women who often.

If you can summon up your patience I'd be inclined to tell her that the thought of handing over your passport makes you feel like a child and it's actually quite insulting to not be trusted with it. But if she's still worrying nearer the time she could message you to remind you to pack it.

@bagpuss90

Well the family are divided on this. Her siblings are “what does it matter?” Her sil and bil and myself are like “no fucking way!” Her reasoning is that we might all lose our passports 😳. Just for the record -everyone holds down good jobs and no one has form for any disasters

Then you just need to say "We've been on holidays abroad before as a family and we've been responsible so far so as not to lose our passports yet. Thanks for thinking that this might be a requirement but we'll hang on to ours, thanks!" and leave it at that.

Or you could say that you are the nominated passport holder for your family so you'll be looking after yours, your DH's and the ones for your kids.

I'd also throw in a "Don't you think we're able to look after our own documents ourselves, like we are grown ups...."

I would be tempted to say, “You’ve referred to me as a control freak. Why would you think a control freak would lose their own passport?”

And “I would be much less upset if I lose my own passport that if I allow you to lose it.”

But, just saying “No.” seems the better way to go.

And “I would be much less upset if I lose my own passport that if I allow you to lose it.”

That's it in a nutshell.
But then I can't shake off the feeling that there could be a sinister reason for her to want them.