Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

hold onto your passport and to your boarding pass. You are an adult and need your paperwork. If the others hand them over, that is their decision. You do you. As for her comments, have you tried being curious about her intentions? If she says, you are such a control freak, ask her how she defines it and see where she takes it. Keep asking questions and watch where she goes with it. Then you will have a better idea of her intentions. It may come down to she is a control freak or maybe it is her backward way of making contact. Either way don't give up your personal documents.

Have you asked her why she wants everyone’s passports 😂

Is she confiscating them if people don’t do the stuff she wants, I’d say sorry everyone I have covid so can’t go but hope you all have the best time 😀😀😅

She cannot have your passport. Us Mnetters have decided. End off.

She’s weird, yes she’s grieving but grieving doesn’t make you want to take everyone’s bloody passport! I think she will be organising everything when you are away with her, I really think that is what will happen and she will be bossing everyone

Don't engage. When she asks for it, or anything else, simply tell her thanks but no thanks - I don't even let DH have my travel docs. I want to be responsible for them, thanks

With regards to controlling the holiday - how? Again, just be direct with no room for ambiguity. If she's arranging something you don't want to do, just nicely tell her you won't be joining bit hope they have a good time.

It's quite simple. I had this with various friends/family and then I realised how stressed, anxious and generally miserable it was making me. Took me 50 years but I finally just told myself - no more. Best decision I ever made.

@bagpuss90 Your passport is your legal, identity document. She has absolutely no right to suggest she “keeps hold” of it (or anybodys other than possibly partner/kids) for the duration of your holiday. Does she think you’re on a school trip? FFS! She is trying to manage her anxiety about somebody in the holiday group losing their passport and any “stress” this may cause her. So who is the control freak? Tell her you may be making a expensive purchase on holiday (eg. Designer handbag/jewellery), and you will need your passport for this. Even in Spanish supermarkets when I’ve spent 100 Euro, I’ve been asked to show my passport. Just tell her “on this occasion no”. She needs find another way to manage her own anxiety. Hope you have a good time.

@bagpuss90

We don’t go for 5 weeks -she already packed- told my DP on Saturday - that “ she could walk out the door now” for the airport 🙄😩

She'll have very crumpled clothes in 5 weeks time! Hope she's packed an iron.

Is she a tour guide or a teacher? They are the only people I can think of who’d request to hold everyone’s passport.
Having said that why would she think a grown adult should hand it over to her?

health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-deal-with-a-control-freak/

this might be useful

control issues maybe due to anxiety

manager your sil rather than battle with her maybe the way to go

and fear, I wonder if she is anxious about the holiday going wrong and is trying to avoid this family holiday going wrong when she is desperate for it to be perfect after the grief ?

Id be telling her

Ive managed for 50 odd years without you looking after my passport so im sure I can manage another holiday without you doing it for me thanks

A simple NO would be my response and my husband would be getting told a thing or too as well!

My DP always used to carry all our passports (him, me, and 2DC) until he dropped mine somewhere in Malaga airport! I was coming out of the loo and heard my name over the tannoy. I had to tank it halfway across the airport to pick it up, and then run back to where DP and DC were waiting to go through security.
Never again.

She's the control freak! Why would she even want to be responsible for other adults' passports?!

I wouldn't be allowing anyone else to have mine, I fuss even if DH has it!

What if something happened to all the passports in the same place?
Your passport has nothing to do with her!

Keep your passport
Organize (or not) your own activities. Make sure to have one meal with your immediate family daily.

Good luck

There's no way on God's green Earth that I'd turn over my passport and flight documents to ANYONE.

That being said, stick to your guns over what's important and let go of what isn't. If she wants to insist on planning every moment of the day, let it go, as long as it isn't something stupid, 'dangerous to life or limb', or against your principles. Not for her, but for your DH, who is grieving. It may grind a bit, but in 100 years it won't really matter. And it doesn't set a precedent either.

So if she wants to eat fish every night, fine, who cares? There's probably something else on the menu if you don't like fish. But if she wants to do a 10 mile hike to a 'beauty spot', fuck that, say no (if it's beyond you).

Some may say I'm being a pushover or a milquetoast. But I'm saying just pick your battles. And the 'battles' with SiL can wait til another day. Except for the passport & flight documents.

I certainly wouldn’t hand over my passport and it does sound like your sister-in-law will be a PITA, but you are doing this for your husband who has lost his mum, so I wouldn’t back out. Also, there are 8 of you, so hopefully, you can avoid too much contact with SIL.

Nope. Wouldn’t hand over my passport to anyone for any reason. And I agree with others, that she’s likely to try to ‘organise’ most other aspects of the holiday. I would stand your ground from the start and tell her you’re quite capable of organising yourself thank you very much.

I’m surprised 3% think YABU. She’s bloody demented! No one has the right to demand anyone’s passport. Do NOT hand it over. And I think your DH is wrong to say you’re over reacting when it’s clearly his sister is the one who’s being utterly ridiculous.

OP, you are absolutely normal it’s your SIL who is not.

@bagpuss90 Please update. You have me hooked on what this controlling creature will demand next

I would research as much info as possible about the place where you are going just in case. There is a big chance that you will fall out during this holiday. And I would be on my alert about any aspects: luggage, tickets, food, activities etc. She’s starting very strangely.

@5zeds

You could say you’re find carrying your own passport but would find it really helpful if she carried a bin bag for trash for everyone.

I love this so much.

control issues maybe due to anxiety

Is 'anxiety' always the excuse for poor behaviour? Are people never just PITAs?