Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

Are there kids involved?! Oh eff no would anyone but me or DH be holding onto their passports.

Her reasoning is that we might all lose our passports

The likelihood of all the passports being lost is infinitely increased if they are in the possession of one person.

Well the family are divided on this. Her siblings are “what does it matter?” Her sil and bil and myself are like “no fucking way!”

The trouble with the "What does it matter?" response is that it leave a wide open door for lots more of the same. First it's the passports, then it's the boarding passes, then it's the holiday money, then it's a complete holiday timetable that everyone has to stick to. No, no, no.

Given that she has lost her marbles here is she reliable to have anyone's anything in her care?

Obvs she is bonkers. But also, and you don't say where you are going, but in lots of countries outside the UK it is either a general expectation or in some cases a legal requirement to carry ID with you at all times. In some places it is not a legal requirement, but standard practice to ask for it for larger purchases or using credit cards or large notes. So she would be preventing you from actually leaving her presence or doing anything independently. Who is it who is the control freak again?

I think the fact that the siblings are prepared to hand over their passports shows that they have learned over the years that giving in is the easiest response.

It's a bit like when I'm out for meals with a certain relative, it's only when I refuse to do things like take away my tip as it's upsetting them, or pour through the bill in infinite detail that you can see the others realising that actually I might be right and these are not normal reactions.

Alternatively they may actively like having Mammy on holiday with them, so they have less adulting to do.

So the blood relatives are buckling and the by-marriage ones are holding out? That says it all. She's obviously always been a controller. Interesting piece of projection that you are the control freak for insisting on holding on to your own passport!

What would happen if you said, "All the passports together in one person's hands? Great idea, but only if I am that person." Would she hand hers to you? And if not, why not? And if she wouldn't, why should you?

Is she playing "I'm the only responsible adult in the party"?

What a monumental waste of time and energy even discussing this!

"Does anyone want me to hang on to their passports?"

"No"

"Cool"

Crazy situation. No. Just no.

Her siblings are “what does it matter?”
So, if it doesn't matter then you can hold everyone's passports (unless they want to hold onto their own) -problem solved. except we all know it's not really because it's all about her control

@bagpuss90

Well the family are divided on this. Her siblings are “what does it matter?” Her sil and bil and myself are like “no fucking way!” Her reasoning is that we might all lose our passports 😳. Just for the record -everyone holds down good jobs and no one has form for any disasters

And if she loses the Passports she loses EVERYONES. Idiot

Her siblings are obviously used to being controlled by and she is obviously used to getting away with it.

Dig your heels in. Don’t discuss it further. just completely blank all demands and allow the others to know so that they also feel free enough to stand up to her

Just say you're happy to mind them all!

You need to be clear about expectations from the start. Are you sharing accommodation? Is it non option group outings every day?

Her reasoning is that we might all lose our passports

By that reasoning, she might lose all of them!

Much less chance of everyone individually losing them

Then let the siblings give the fool their passports. Those who want to hold on to theirs need to stick together and stand firm that they absolutely will not and that they're willing to 'accept personal responsibility' if they lose their passports.

What's the potential fallout for refusal? Can she cancel the whole trip for everyone or just cancel her own reservations? Because if the fallout is that she cancels herself out of spite that sounds like a win for the rest of you.

Does she want to come n wipe your arse everytime you go to the toilet too!

Is she the youngest sibling op? Maybe they were trained to pander to her from a young age...

Tell her that's fine, she can take the passports and you'll take everyone's wallets and phones in case they lose them.

Balls to this. Tell her to mind her own business and her own passport 😂

So basically, your SIL is such a control freak that she believes anyone who tries to thwart her control freakery is, in fact, a control freak and not, um, a person who doesn't want to be dictated to by a control freak?

Look carefully at the wording of your passport, whether it is red or blue. There's a bit about it remaining the property of Her Majesty The
Queen and her government and appointed officers. That means it is your responsibility and no one else's including your batshit SIL to look after it.

Don’t do it, don’t give your passport to no one.
8 of us went on holiday and I was responsible for 8 passports, guess what, my handbag was stolen with all the passports in it. Never again, it’s a pain in the rear.

Can't help wondering what will happen when this SIL graduates to a MIL and gets involved in planning a wedding Check your Bouquets at the door.

It's far more likely they'll all be lost or stolen if they're in one place!
Besides which, how fucking patronising!!! 🤬🤬🤬

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

So basically, your SIL is such a control freak that she believes anyone who tries to thwart her control freakery is, in fact, a control freak and not, um, a person who doesn't want to be dictated to by a control freak?

This is similar to the "reasoning" of those who make offensive and unfunny jokes, then accuse the offended of lacking a sense of humour.

@Boomerang03

Don’t do it, don’t give your passport to no one. 8 of us went on holiday and I was responsible for 8 passports, guess what, my handbag was stolen with all the passports in it. Never again, it’s a pain in the rear.

Perfect reason NOT to give them all to one person! (sorry that happened to you, Boomerang!)

But in all honesty, what is going to happen if you refuse?
Will you be barred from the holiday? (A huge win, it would appear!)
Or basically nothing will happen?

In which case, it REALLY makes fuck all sense to even consider giving in.

Any update OP?