Am I over reacting - controlling SIL

[bagpuss90]

We have a family holiday booked -eight of us going . I’d rather be going away with just DP but his mum died last year ,and he wants a holiday with his family which I’ve reluctantly agreed to. My sister in law - who has rubbed me up the wrong way several times over the years has surpassed herself. She’s announced that she “wants to be organised “ and has asked that we all hand our passports over to her for safe keeping and she will hold onto them for the duration of the holiday. I’ve point blank refused-I’m old enough and ugly enough to look after my own passport thank you. It’s the principle -plus can you imagine if she lost the lot of then. It’s made me dread the holiday- I think she’ll want to run the show - DP thinks I’m over reacting . She’s said I’m a control freak-wtf ?? Having serious thoughts about not going, but under the circumstances it’s not that easy to bail out now

@NewlyGranny

This is definitely "Never apologise: never explain" territory where "No" is a complete sentence.

Just "No," and if she fusses, "I'm carrying my own passport, thanks," is the most that needs saying. She can hardly wrench it from your hands!

If others pile in, like DH or BiL, begging you with their eyes to give in and keep the peace, just "You've heard what I said."

Passive resistance is key here. And if anyone dates to utter the words control or controlling, "I will control my own passport."

What if her bag was snatched - all the passports would be gone!

Better she learns you can't be controlled before she schedules every moment of your holiday for you!

This is brilliant advice.

No JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain): it's fatal. As soon as you start giving reasons or defending your own behaviour, they've sucked you in. If the pushback kicks off again, just repeat the above sentences ad nauseam. She's the one who will look odd if she persists.

The power of 'no thank you' is considerable: this is powerful non-defensive communication in a nutshell. It's highly effective. You've left her no wriggle-room and nowhere else to go.

I wouldn't be giving anyone my passport. But is it possible that some people in your group are chronically disorganised?
If I ever went away with PILs again I would take all their important documents and put reins on them 😅

Too everyone saying it's a school trip thing to hand them over, it's not in my school. We run a large trip abroad every 2 years for yrs 9-13. When they arrive at the coach in the UK they have to show us their music folder, their EHiC and their passport then it's their responsibility - end of!

In 2019 a y9 child's mum asked me to look after his passport/EHiC as he was "scatty". He was so embarrassed by the end of the tour that he told his mum that he would be more responsible. Sadly, due to Covid, we haven't planned the next trip. But in the 10 years I've done the trip, we haven't lost one, or indeed a student.

OP, your SiL is silly. All passports needing to be together is asking for trouble. As others have said, what if she loses her bag? Or if you split up either for different activities or because you become separated from them? Tactful people have posted good suggestions. Use them.

If I ever went away with PILs again I would take all their important documents and put reins on them 😅

this made me laugh!

Back to the OPs problem, best answer is "No. Don't be silly".
If she argues, it can be followed with "No. Don't be silly. I'm an adult and it is my property." or "No. Don't be silly. I'm not being a control freak in taking care of my own property; you are being one with your desire to take others' property."
Finally there is "No and I won't be discussing this again".

If you're worried that she may try to take it anyway, keep it hidden in a bag you wear at all times (cross body, money belt etc). Don't let your DP give her his either.

Good luck and try to enjoy your holiday. (Ear plugs may be needed)

"I dont understand why it matters who has the passports"

So it really doesn't matter if Op declines & keeps hold of her own pasport?

No one person needs to be looking after other adults passports anyway!

@NewlyGranny

Excellent advice, but I wouldn't be going.

I would stay at home and avoid the drama.

@Congressdingo I could never put my luggage in the hold, I'd be so anxious the entire time wondering what was happening to it. When I used to go abroad, before covid, I would only take with a small rucksack and keep it with me.

We moved home in 2019 and it was torture. My belongings, in numbered boxes, went in the moving van and I was a complete mess until I could count them again to ensure they were all present.

Everyone on the spectrum is different :)

@bagpuss90

We don’t go for 5 weeks -she already packed- told my DP on Saturday - that “ she could walk out the door now” for the airport 🙄😩

That's seriously weird. I wonder how she'd react if you said you weren't going to start packing till a couple of hours before you're due to leave?

He will never have a quiet life by giving in to her. Never. The only chance he will get is if he continually stands his ground. Enabling bonkers people like her NEVER results in a "quiet life"

Hard No from me that would be.

I don't think we should be focusing on SIL packing so far in advance. That impacts nobody but herself, and why not get ready so you can look forward to it? Disclaimer I'm more of a last minute lady, but thinking of packing for October break so I know if I need to pay for a case.

Not telling others where they are going or trying to look after their passports and boarding passes are the issue.

OP, like everyone else, don't hand it over. You said it succinctly yourself - "I'm not controlling anyone, I just have a strong desire to not be controlled any anyone else".

Has she booked everything? Do you actually know where you're going?!

I would also refuse to hand it over - but bear in mind, she WILL make you the bad guy for doing this. It will go one of two ways. Either she will act like you’re being very ‘silly’ and stubborn for not just letting her her things organised, and will make a bit point about how no one else is complaining, so why can’t you just get on with things and make it so much easier? Or alternatively, she will turn on the tears, just about manage to say through her trembling lips that she can’t understand why you’re being so mean to her when she’s made so much effort to give you all a lovely holiday, and have you forgotten she has just lost her mum?!?!

Don’t rise to any of it. If she starts either routine, just say ‘Don’t be ridiculous, SIL. We can have a perfectly nice holiday without you having to keep hold of everyone’s passports. It makes zero difference to what we do on holiday. Now let’s just get on and enjoy ourselves - there’s no point in arguing when I’ve made up my mind.’

Is it a joke maybe? Like a reference to their mum who used to do this when she was alive maybe?
Check with DP.. I expect it is in reference to something that happened when they were younger with their mum.

Have the rest of the holiday group said anything?

I think you are right that it's an early warning of things to come.

Yes but see it as a form of entertainment, you can still have a nice holiday, the woman is obviously bat shit, just rise above it

@Macncheeseballs

Yes but see it as a form of entertainment, you can still have a nice holiday, the woman is obviously bat shit, just rise above it

this exactly....calm cheerful faintly amused....

I’d never give my passport to another member of the party. YANBU at all. It’s your document. Your business. If you lose it it’s your fault. But I doubt you will.

It is an official document, who the hell does she think she is ?

Just say - thanks for the offer but I'll be looking after my own passport.

Not a chance would I hand over my passport to
Someone else. Could you imagine having a fall out and suddenly it disappeared the day your due to come home?! No thank you!!

Don't skip the holiday, but cheerfully refuse to comply with absurd requests like this. Ignore them if possible, but if you can't, tell her with unsinkable good humour that you will not be doing x, y, or z and carry blithely on. You can't give in, but no point in making drama on your holiday, especially when your DP is trying to make a new family dynamic in the absence of your MIL.

I have literally and will literally never give anyone my passport to look after! Is she starting some kind of slave labour trafficking situation with you all? I laugh at her calling you a control freak...she needs to look in the mirror!

@Auroreforet

Tell her not to be so ridiculous. And fgs don’t lose your passport or you’ll never hear the end of it!

This 😄

No way would I do this.

DH has a bit of a personality transplant at airports sometimes and tries to control us all - one time he wanted to take all the passports to go through security. He even tried to tell me that security would prefer it for one person to have the passports for all the family. I trust him completely but refused point blank on this. It's my passport, I'm a fully fledged grown up and no one takes it from me, or takes responsibility for me!