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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do people who got married young feel envious of people who got married older 35+?

331 replies

RetroMy · 19/09/2021 20:11

Sometimes?

married young I mean 18-24 years old vs over 35 years old.

I do because being married young didn’t give you a chance to develop your interests as an individual or sexually because you were too busy pleasing someone else at that age. Trying to make a relationship last that started that young is difficult and having children young would mean you didn’t get a chance to experience youth by yourself.

Anyone else?

I feel like I’m ready to start my life over again. Now. No longer together and happier.

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 21:41

I don't know why these threads always turn into talk about travel. It makes me cringe

Me too.

Because for many people "travelling" is.... not very important. It's a non essential thing some people choose to spend time & money on, much like arsenal season tickets.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 21:42

The Mongolian steppes

This could be soooooo amazing

mooloop · 19/09/2021 21:42

@user89000005 exactly the same here - we've been together almost 11 years but waited until now for children, currently expecting our first (both 28) Smile

Rozziie · 19/09/2021 21:44

@Annoyedanddissapointed

Really curious where did Rosie travel that it was such an ecpeeience of lonliness and whatever.
Hiking in the mountains in Bulgaria where I either had to solo camp or find refuges at set points before it went dark, travelling through the Balkans where I didn't speak or understand any of the local language and where a lot of the bars/places were officially or unofficially 'men only', working as a maid at a hotel in France where I was completely excluded for weeks and nobody had patience for my (at the time) weak level of French, to name just a few.

None of these things would have been anywhere near as difficult, challenging, frustrating or infuriating if I'd had someone there with me to make a joke or take on some of the mental load or even the physical one, but that's how the learning and growth happened, slowly.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 21:44

The Mongolian steppes

This could be soooooo amazing

Or it could be, y'know, quite cold and dry and pretty dull really. Just saying.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 21:46

I am really sorry to say that Rozzie, but while your travels sound interesting and you got to see some interesting places, you are making it into so much more than it actually is......

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 21:48

@DeepaBeesKit

The Mongolian steppes

This could be soooooo amazing

Or it could be, y'know, quite cold and dry and pretty dull really. Just saying.

I like cold and I am easily excitable 😁 Maybe I could get to see przewalski horse in natural habitat! They've been reintroducing them back there for few decades now.
Rozziie · 19/09/2021 21:49

@Annoyedanddissapointed

I am really sorry to say that Rozzie, but while your travels sound interesting and you got to see some interesting places, you are making it into so much more than it actually is......
I'm refuting the idea that you can get the same level of learning and growth from travelling with others as you do from travelling alone. That's literally it. I'm well aware that not everyone has an interest in travel in the first place. Everyone has different priorities. I just don't think it's accurate to say that travelling with your partner is anything like travelling alone.
DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 21:50

Also rozziee those experiences sound kinda..... shit.

So sue me, i've missed out on some shit. No way would I want to swap that stuff for the holidays I've had with DH.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 19/09/2021 21:51

Well you also refuted that that level of growth happens when people emigrate. Yet half of what you actually described, bar the forest trekking, is typical immigrant experience, so yeah.

Libraryghost · 19/09/2021 21:51

I have been with my husband since I was 18 (married at 30 ) We have been together now for 29 years. To be honest it’s doesnt bother me in the slightest what anyone else does. We did what suited us!

HTH1 · 19/09/2021 21:53

Absolutely not!

Gorl · 19/09/2021 21:53

Hiking in the mountains in Bulgaria where I either had to solo camp or find refuges at set points before it went dark, travelling through the Balkans where I didn't speak or understand any of the local language and where a lot of the bars/places were officially or unofficially 'men only', working as a maid at a hotel in France where I was completely excluded for weeks and nobody had patience for my (at the time) weak level of French, to name just a few.

None of these things would have been anywhere near as difficult, challenging, frustrating or infuriating if I'd had someone there with me to make a joke or take on some of the mental load or even the physical one, but that's how the learning and growth happened, slowly.

Bloody hell, that does sound grim.

I think the difference between us is that you seem to have approached travel as an arduous ordeal to be endured through gritted teeth in the manner of one of the 12 labours of Hercules, whereas I viewed it as the opportunity to have a lovely time and see some wonderful places Grin

Not saying your approach was wrong, just that it explains why you have a ‘I was born in it, molded by it’ mentality to travel rather than a ‘that was good fun, happy memories eh!’ one.

Farwest · 19/09/2021 21:53

There is no right or best age to get married/ commit to a longterm relationship. It depends entirely on the quality of the relationship. I'm not even sure that's easier to determine at 35 than at 25. I know people who clearly chose the wrong partner, and they partnered up at a range of ages.

I think on fertility, the advice has always been to have them as young as you can manage parenthood well - so if you really want dc and.it's a life goal, don't wait until 35 if 30 is a possibility. But ... most people don't deliberately delay like that. For most women, if they delay, they have a damn good reason.

meow1989 · 19/09/2021 21:55

Nope. Didn't get married until 26 but met dh at 16 and moved in together at 20.

I've noticed at times that certain doors close when you get into a serious relationship so young, but I have no regrets. There are sliding doors moments in any situation.

Usernamqwerty · 19/09/2021 21:57

I got married at 23. Still married. It's awesome. 15 years now. However, I was lucky and met him very early. We also had ten years together before we had kids, which was great.

Farwest · 19/09/2021 21:57

And I'm with @Rozziie on travelling alone. You absolutely discover yourself in a way you do not with a partner.

Miseryl · 19/09/2021 21:58

@Rozziie those experiences sound a piece of cake compared to having my son alone at 25, without even having my mum around to help me. I know which one I think would bring so much more joy, love and meaning to my life, as well as the cliched personal growth and development etc. I can't think of anything that would have taught me as much resilience, independence, self reliance etc. Being so young, I was also much more flexible and adaptable than I would have been at an older age. I grew up being used to being a parent.

Everyone chooses a different path in life, my way wasn't the right way or the ideal way for everyone, I'm just illustrating how less than idea circumstances can result in as much or if not more "growth" as the cliched routes of travel/uni/career etc (I did built a career in my 30s and went on to have another DC.)

MyPatronusIsACat · 19/09/2021 21:58

@Rozziie

I just don't think it's accurate to say that travelling with your partner is anything like travelling alone - IN MY EXPERIENCE.

FIXED that for you.

You're welcome.

MyPatronusIsACat · 19/09/2021 21:59

@Farwest

And I'm with *@Rozziie* on travelling alone. You absolutely discover yourself in a way you do not with a partner.
IN YOUR EXPERIENCE.
DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 21:59

They aren't even true native Przewalskis, they are reintroduced and there've been horses bred into the lineage way back when because they had all but died back. Not worth it Hmm

Rozziie · 19/09/2021 21:59

@DeepaBeesKit

Also rozziee those experiences sound kinda..... shit.

So sue me, i've missed out on some shit. No way would I want to swap that stuff for the holidays I've had with DH.

I've also had some lovely holidays with partners. And friends. It's not an either/or situation. I just wouldn't kid myself that I 'learned' or 'developed' through having a week in Mallorca or a trip to Iceland. It's just a nice relaxing break and a bit of a change of scenery.
tillytoodles1 · 19/09/2021 22:00

No. I got married at 19 and at 24 I had two children and stayed at home until the youngest started school, then went back to work part-time, doing accounts for a local firm. By the time I was 40 I had no need for babysitters etc and life was easy. I wouldn't change a thing

Rozziie · 19/09/2021 22:02

@Gorl As I said, I'm not a privileged person beyond having had the privilege to be born in the UK like most of us on here. I didn't have savings that meant I could just do nice things and enjoy myself. I had to work for most of the time I was travelling and a lot of the work was shit. I learned and developed far more in that time than I would have done sat on the dole or working in a call centre at home, though!

erictheavocado · 19/09/2021 22:03

Met the man I woul marry when I was 16. Married at 21. Waited a further six years to start our family. I love spending time with him, talking, laughing, just 'being'. We each have interests and hobbies the other doesn't share. I honestly don't feel jealous of anyone who married later in life. Why would I? I've known dh almost 45 years now, married almost 40. We have grown together. We 'fit'.