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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be hesitant about contacting my sister who's just revealed she's gay?

53 replies

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 13:31

She's married with 3 children and is leaving him for a woman.

Feel so sorry for him, he's a really nice man. Would still feel sorry for him even if he wasn't though. Find it hard to feel sorry for my sister though, my immediate reaction was the same as my mums..couldn't she see her girlfriend on the side? Though I suspect that's what's been happening up until now.

My sister hasn't told me the circumstances, just that she's leaving him. My mum told me why she's leaving him.

It's a shock that she's gay but would be better if she wasn't married with kids, I had no idea. My mum seems upset about it all and thinks it must somehow be her fault.

She hasn't told her kids and she doesn't know that I know.

What does one do in a situation like this? Am I supposed to feel sorry for her, happy for her or what? Have been a bit tearful about it but don't really know why.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 05/12/2007 14:43

SK lol about your DH

I think you should phone your sister and arrange to have lunch or go for a drink, slog it out and make sure she knows you love her. but dont sweep it under the carpet like it is no big deal, it clearly IS a huge deal for her and she may well appreciate the opportunity to talk openly about it.

VictorianSqualor · 05/12/2007 14:43

SpiritualKnot, would you have found it easier to deal with if your sister had left because she was gay but not been unfaithful??

I think you need to work out if it is her sexuality that has upset you mroe or her infidelity.

LEM makes a good point about the marriage not working, but if it is because of sexuality it's not something that can be worked on really.

Hulababy · 05/12/2007 14:45

YANBU to feel cross and to judge your sister's actions if she has been having an affair - the gay aspect isn't an issue, but infedelity is and IMO shouldn't be condoned regardless. You don't have to feel happy or sad for her.

However she is your sister and you need her to know that she can talk to you and that you will be there fore her, as well as her husband and children. Don't wait for her to call you, get it done before Christmas hits.

It's a hard situation.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 14:48

Comeoveneer, yes I found it bizarre myself that I thought that! My husband made the same comment as Manchita made about it when I said it to him!

My sister's husband waited years and years before he got married to my sister, it was his first ever proper relationship, so I'm not sure he'll be the type to find a new relationship easily. The children are from my sister's first marriage.

I'm pretty sure that the woman who my sister has met is her long term friend who was actually at the wedding of my sister's second marriage. So this has been going on for many years, which is why I think my mum and I feel maybe it could have carried on that way! Yes I know it's bizarre but but but....sorry I don't know why I feel that that would have been ok!

I don't know the ins and outs though, whether her husband found out for example.

OP posts:

FioFio · 05/12/2007 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 17:16

She's been married to him for around 12 years but says she has been unhappy for the last 6 years? Don't know if that's when it started. I'm sure it wasn't going on before the wedding.

It was the husband who didn't want any children, my sister would probably have had another if he'd wanted one. She's very easy going.

This girlfriend/woman is very nice by the way. I had noticed she hever had a boyfriend but some women don't, so never thought anything of it. Only met her twice actually.

I've decided to ring up my sister tonight or in a day or two, but am now worried that her hubby will answer the phone and know why I've phoned.

OP posts:

DarthVader · 05/12/2007 17:26

If you love your sister it would be a good time to affirm that with her. I can't imagine this is a decision she has made lightly and why wouldn't you respect her choices?

SelfishMrsClaus · 05/12/2007 18:02

If you're afraid of her dh answering the phone, why not call her mobile?

Or text her saying "Mum told me your news, I'm her for you if you want to talk"

That shows her you support her but you're not rushing her.

3JinglesandnoBells · 05/12/2007 18:10

Hm knot, by your OP it seems that Gayness is a big thing for you and your family, which explains why it may well has taken your sister so long to acknoledge it herself, hence marrying and starting a family, the thing people expect of young women, etc...!

Whilst of course it's normal that you feel sorry for your sisters dh, I find it weird to suggest it would be better to see the woman on teh side...would you feel the same way if it was another man?

I'm pretty sure the decision was really hard for your sister and that she is aware just what this will do to her family, but would you rather she would lead an unhappy life, just so to please those around her?

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 18:59

I think gayness is a big thing for our family, but not a bad thing, so I will be getting in touch with her, it's just the inital contact thing about it that I'm worried about..I'm sure the gayness thing is bigger for my sister than for me and it's how best to broach it.

I know it's weird that I think it's ok to carry on with this woman and no, I wouldn't say the same if it was a man. I really don't understand why I feel that way...I guess I know that women get very close and somehow I feel quite accepting of it in a way...or in denial of it..who knows.

A cousin of ours is in her 50s and has never had boyfriends as far as we know and I think most of the family kind of accept that she's probably gay, but that's her business really.

We've never really talked about these things with each other or anything really to do with sexuality. I've got seven brothers and then my sister, we all live 100s of miles apart and though we're close, we're more matey than brotherly and sisterly.

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 05/12/2007 19:02

Just be the same as if she was leaving her husband for a man.

Of course, she shouldn't have stayed married and seen her girlfriend on the side. Sounds like your mum is worried about peoples reactions.

FioFio · 05/12/2007 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rolf · 05/12/2007 19:03

If you're fond of her DH why is it such a problem if he answers the phone? Wouldn't you want to offer him some support as well?

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 19:09

The thing is if she was leaving her husband for another man, I wouldn't phone her. She's been through that before, but I need to speak with her about this I think..

Anyway, I've just tried to phone and got....the ansaphone...that stumped me a bit. Didn't leave a message.

I think I'm concerned about her husband answering the phone coz I'd rather know from my sister how he feels about it first.

Would consider texting but I don't usually do that and am not very good at it and would wonder if I'd done it right if she didn't contact me!

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 05/12/2007 19:10

Why? (to your first sentence)

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 19:15

NAB3littlemonkeys....sory, why do I need to speak to her or why wouldn't I phone if it was a man?

OP posts:

3JinglesandnoBells · 05/12/2007 19:18

SK, I am glad to hear that you will be contacting your sister.
You see, in a way I would actually be more accepting of someone leaving their partner for a same sex partner, rather then a parter of the opposite sex, iykwim...because being with a smae sex partner is obviously completely different then being with one of the opposite sex, whereas, if someone say leaves one man for another, than well, I would question if they will not possibly leave that man, too....because they may be lured by the initial love feeling....
not making sense, I think, lol...I just can't get this out the way I want....

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 19:20

Thanks for that 3JinglesandnoBells, that's exactly how I feel.

I'll try and ring again a bit later on.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 05/12/2007 21:56

Just had a long chat with my sister and all was fine.

It's not the woman I thought it was...she was aghast that I thought it was her! Turns out she lives with a boyfriend and has done for years..whoops!

This woman is a lesbian she met a few months ago and she just found herself attracted to her....seems her and her husband weren't getting on and she was going to leave him anyway.She was surprised it happened but says she has dabbled before.

Told her that I was fine about it all but that I did have the problem that my husband thinks I'm a lesbian now....

Anyway, thanks for all the replies, they were really helpful in making me realise that I needed to contact her. she was really pleased that I'd been upfront about it...didn't mention I'd discussed it here....ahem.

OP posts:

SelfishMrsClaus · 05/12/2007 23:38

I'm glad you called her

So, is she leaving her dh to live alone, or to live with a person she met a few months ago?

Doesn't matter either way I suppose. I'm glad you are there for her & I bet she was glad too

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 06/12/2007 00:06

She's buying a cottage and moving there with her daughters, Her husband is buying a house, so they're selling the house they're in now.

She's not going to be living with her friend as her daughters don't know about her, but she plans to tell them someime in the future. She seems to think she'll be able to introduce the idea the same way as she'd introduce a new man.

They only met in October this year.

I said I hoped everything worked out ok and plan to go down and visit them once she and her daughters are in the new house.

OP posts:

oops · 06/12/2007 00:25

Message withdrawn

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 06/12/2007 00:50

Yeah I do feel better for speaking to her..and it was so easy!

I'm not too concerned as to whether this relationship lasts. I agree with 3JinglesandnoBells though as she could have continued to flit from conventional marriage to conventional marriage, with our family just thinking she couldn't commit, when all the time it was to do with her sexuality.

The odd thing is that whenever we visited them, my husband would say "Why can't we be like them? They always do things together, such a good couple". So they did seem really happy together...

OP posts:

oops · 06/12/2007 00:52

Message withdrawn

NAB3littlemonkeys · 06/12/2007 08:02

Yes, I meant why wouldn't you phone her if she was leaving for a man but you feel the need to ring because she has met another woman.

Off to read the rest now as you have probably answered this.

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