To think 36 isn’t that old for a first baby

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Old school friend has told me that people are saying she’s too old to be pregnant.

@TaighNamGastaOrt the cafe owner came over to take order, spoke to the babies, asked names, first baby etc. Got to mine, looked at me and went 'you're a bit old for your first baby aren't you?'
Told her to fuck off, we went elsewhere for our coffee.

Yes! Good on you! Cheeky cow! What did she do when you told her to fuck off?

Can someone explain why 36 is too old for a first baby, but fine for 3/4/5th babies?

@Nomoreusernames1244

Can someone explain why 36 is too old for a first baby, but fine for 3/4/5th babies?

I think if you've waited until then it can't really have been a priority in life to have a family and it can be a massive change if you've lived a life without kids for so long. Unless of course there's infertility involved and you've been trying for years. Third, fourth and fifth kids are completing a family, not starting one.

I had my one and only at 36, because that is how my life happened. If I had met somebody earlier, I would have had a child earlier, but I didn't get that choice.

I do have several friends of a similar age with DC the same age, but there are also a lot of mum's who are 10 years younger.

My first pregnancy was classed as a geriatric pregnancy at 35.
Offensive and ridiculous imo.

Yeah I'd think it was quite old for a first, but not that unusual for a second or third.

It was a priority for me to find somebody who I actually wanted to have kids with (you know, rather than getting knocked up in my 20s by any of the people I was with who were nice but not quite right for me longterm). My priority once I'd found that wonderful man was starting a family, which I did at 35. And I'm a bloody good mum. And for me personally, I think the experiences I had whilst child-free have made me a better, wiser, more stable person, which can only be a good thing for my child - that and the fact that I got all the travelling, parties, career development etc out of my system before being ready to settle down. People take different paths which work for them, whether that's having kids 'early', 'late' or not at all and it really boils my piss that some people on this thread are being so ignorant and judgemental as to think that one is better than the other!

I had DS at 26 and DTwins at 37.

I had a little cry the other day that when they're 13, I'll be 50. If I die at 75, they'll only be 39. DS will be 52. If DTwins have their DC at 37 like I did with them, my grandchildren would be 2 when I passed away. I can't change this, but it upsets me dearly. If DS has his firstborn at 26 like when I had him, and I died at 75, his DC would have me as a grandmother for 23yrs.

I think if you've waited until then it can't really have been a priority in life to have a family and it can be a massive change if you've lived a life without kids for so long. Third, fourth and fifth kids are completing a family, not starting one

But why does waiting for a child, for whatever reason, make you too old, when having a subsequent child at the same age isn’t?

Older parents may plan on having fewer kids, so that first child at 36 may be completing the family as well.

People here are citing biology, genetic issues, age related tiredness/less energy etc as reasons for being too old to have first child at 36. All of which still apply if it’s not your first.

I agree with pp, i think it’s more about seeing older women as past it, left on the shelf, dried up and shrivelled old spinsters compared to fertile shaggable young 20 year olds.

It's old to start thinking about a family is what I mean. I'm not saying you're too old to give birth or be pregnant, although your fertility may have declined. It's unlikely you're going to have loads of kids if you wait till your late 30s to start trying. I had all my kids between the ages of 20 and 29 because it was a priority for me. The downside is I never had a proper career, although I'm not really academic and I'm working class so I'm sure that will play a part in my life choices.

It's old to start thinking about a family is what I mean

Why is it? What’s the difference between starting a family at 36 and having a 3rd child at 36?

Family is a priority for a lot of people. Some like you are lucky enough to meet someone you want to start that family young, and have the stability to do so.

I chose to wait until I was in a position to support any future children. Having seen so many marriages split I wanted to be stable on my own should any future father of my kids die or piss off.

So yes, children were a priority. But my view was to get my life in a place where I could give those children stability.

I also come from a working class background. Having seen my mum struggle as a lone parent I chose to get my ducks in a row first, to quote mumsnet.

That took several years, I met dh at 29 and had kids in my 30’s.

People have different life paths.

I had my first at 36, 2nd at 37. Definitely not too old!

@Nomoreusernames1244

Can someone explain why 36 is too old for a first baby, but fine for 3/4/5th babies?

I don't know why others would say so, and I don't think it's necessarily a bad choice to start at 36. However, for me, I would want to have had my last by 36, at the latest. Reason is partly the slight increase in risk due to age, but that's not the main issue. I figure that if I had my last child at 36, say, they should hopefully be living completely independently by the time I retire, so I'm not paying for school uniforms, etc. in my 50s and can start saving more for my retirement, and to leave for the kids when the time comes. We already have 2 and only want one more, maybe if we wanted many more and I was nearing my mid-30s, I might re-think, I'm not sure.

It's old to start thinking about a family is what I mean Well I thought about starting one long before that bit decided to boot get pregnant by the first willing guy

I think if you've waited until then it can't really have been a priority in life to have a family or the priority has been making sure you wait for a decent guy and some level of financial stability.

Of course some people are lucky and have that earlier. But not finding the ideal man in your 20s doesn't make you a worse or disinterested mom or someone who only got pregnant as an after thought.

and it can be a massive change if you've lived a life without kids for so long or you bring a ton of life experience to the situation having had time to decide that this is what you definitely want.

I'd have loved kids in my 20s but my partner in my early 20s cheated on me and the next guy was borderline abusive. I met DH at 29, married within 18 months so we could try for a baby quicker, had DS at 33 and DT at 37 because DS was such a poorly baby it wouldn't have been right to have more sooner.

I was 40 when I had ds and I wasn't the oldest mum in my baby group 🤷‍♀️

@furbabymama87

I think if you've waited until then it can't really have been a priority in life to have a family and it can be a massive change if you've lived a life without kids for so long. Unless of course there's infertility involved and you've been trying for years. Third, fourth and fifth kids are completing a family, not starting one.

Or, as I my case, I always knew I wanted children but didn't meet the man I wanted them with until I was in my mid 30s. Then we got married, then we had a couple of years married, settling into our life as a couple, then we wanted to make sure we could afford the financial impact of me not working before having a child. Worked for us.

I think if you've waited until then it can't really have been a priority in life to have a family
That's a very big assumption to make! I'm not 36 but I am in my 30s and have put off having a child when I could've quite easily done it. For me personally, I've wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I've been with my partner for 11 years, very much in love and happy. We've had our home and also been happily married for 4 years now. Still we chose not to rush having our first baby - not because it wasn't high up on our list to do (like I said, it's been a dream of mine for years!!) But because we wanted to have financial stability, to give our child the best start in life. So really, we were thinking of our future kid. I also didn't want to rush my husband, who is a couple of years younger than me. Those who rush into it don't always think of what life they can provide the child and choose to have children rather selfishly (not referring to all young mothers and fathers here!!)
Now very happily pregnant 🥰 it's a dream come true for me

I only got married when I was 37 (met dh when I was 31, got together as a couple a year or so later) and was 39 when I had my ds. Problem free pregnancy and normal birth.

Only down side was that after a couple of miscarriages (one that was of twins) I had to accept that ds would be an only child .

Ds turned 21 a couple of weeks ago

Dh and I are still fit and healthy and enjoying life.

I have plenty of friends who had their kids at a similar age.

Just reading some of the other responses: my dad is 84 and also fit and healthy and enjoys a great relationship with ds/his dgs (and with my younger db's dtwins who are 11; he was even older at 45 when he had them).

My mum would still have been around if she hadn't had an accident while cycling in India when she was 66 which indirectly led to her death 6 years later Mum and Dad had us young - but my dad acknowledges that there are benefits to both ways (plus I "forced" the issue somewhat ).

Both dh's parents are now dead (his mum 2 years ago) but given that his upbringing would've been a candidate for the Stately Homes threads and worse so we'd consciously avoided ds having too much contact with them.

We both love ds dearly - it wasn't a matter of us thinking our child free life was more important

I don’t think it’s too old. Everyone has a different path on life. My first DD was a surprise and I was 27- absolutely mortified and felt far too young. Obviously it worked out, best thing I ever did and DS followed 2 years later. I love them but things are tight, we aren’t in the financial position I would have liked to have been and a lot of my friends having their babies in early thirties are. I do feel grateful I’ve got the sleepless nights out the way abs I love having energy to run around with them constantly. It’s swings and roundabouts and we should support all mothers regardless of age.

Not too old at all. I am 37 and a fair amount of my school friends are just having their first. Personally I feel too old for a baby but my eldest is coming up for 19 so feel like I've been doing this a long time!

I was 36 and I was quite young by my area's norm. Lots of 40 year old first time mothers here.
I'd love to have been younger but didn't meet my partner until I was 30.
My child's friends mum's are all my age bar a year or two either side.

I think if you've waited until then it can't really have been a priority in life to have a family and it can be a massive change if you've lived a life without kids for so long. Unless of course there's infertility involved and you've been trying for years. Third, fourth and fifth kids are completing a family, not starting one

Or you just didn't meet the right person until later in life.
Different strokes for different folks.

Where I live you're considered young if you have your first baby before 35! I know more people who've become mums in their 40s then in their 20s.

It isn't these days. It's perfectly usual.