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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MN Vote - will he pay up today?

119 replies

Sparklfairy · 19/09/2021 07:43

A few years ago I lent a friend a not insignificant amount of money. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that so the details are irrelevant. At the time he was grateful and making all the right noises about regular payments.

Gradually those 'payments' became £5/week, which most of the time never showed up Hmm I was left in the infuriating position of 'reminding' him and feeling petty over a fiver, or ignoring it and implying it was okay.

I realised that this was some weird power play on his part; he felt that the balance of power in our friendship had shifted in my favour and he didn't like that, so this was his way of wrestling it back by making me go to him for my own money Grin

I walked away from the friendship and although I felt stupid and angry, I did feel better for it. Recently he messaged out of the blue offering the money back (in one go) and apologising. We have been trying to arrange a meet up but both of us have been guilty of trying to cancel so I'm not blaming him for this part.

The thing is, rather than just transfer it, he's saying he wants to do it 'in person' i.e. hand over an envelope of cash 'because it feels more appropriate/respectful to our friendship/I can apologise properly/sincerely' blah blah. The reality is I suspect 1) he's tax dodging and doesn't use his bank, and 2) it's another power play, the big gesture of him being so magnanimous to return the money.

I'm happy to indulge his stupid power games if it gets me the lump sum, but we were due to meet yesterday and he bailed 30mins before we were due to meet, saying he was stuck at work may or may not be true. We've rearranged for this evening.

He doesn't know that if he bails again I'm walking away for good. I'd already written the money off, this feels like 'free money' now but I am not engaging in any more power plays.

So, sorry this is long but based on the above, how do you think today will go?

YABU - He'll turn up tonight and pay in full
YANBU - He'll bail or stand me up and I'll get nothing

Option C - he'll hand over some and then bleat about regular payments again trying to suck me into the power cycle again not happening

Or something else? Anyone saying 'walk away from the drama', I will, but I am really curious as to how this plays out today.

OP posts:
RockallMalinHebrides · 19/09/2021 07:49

Looks to me like the games are back on and he’s in control.

I’d give him a chance tonight as you've already agreed. If he doesn’t show then I’d send a message to set up a bank transfer. If that fails and it is a substantial sum I’d look to recover through a legal route.

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/09/2021 07:53

Sounds like he is more drama than its worth , though would be great if he turns up highly unlikely unless he is after something else

DDiva · 19/09/2021 08:05

I would just tell him to put it through the letterbox, you dont have time to keep arranging meet ups.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 19/09/2021 08:19

Difficult to know without knowing more about him as a person. I voted YANBU because you clearly expect some kind of game from him.

If you've got evidence that he has acknowledged the debt in text / email I'd issue a letter before action then small claims court if necessary.

AnguaResurgam · 19/09/2021 08:24

I voted for B (as only two choices)

But I think C is the real winner

LadyCatStark · 19/09/2021 08:30

I think it’ll be C sadly.

KingdomScrolls · 19/09/2021 08:32

How much money is it? Can you afford to walk away from it? I think he's unlikely to turn up tonight with all of it, he'll either not turn up or turn up with a part payment and a sob story.

binkydebonky · 19/09/2021 08:39

I used to work in lending. The most important criteria in deciding to lend was the persons character with regard to financial issues. I for example will always endeavour to pay back debt...others never will, even if they have the money. so given the little I know.then I vote you will not see that money. .unless small claims is a possibility

Mamamamasaurus · 19/09/2021 08:42

I want you to BU but I suspect he'll skip and you won't get it back

that said - I think you should absolutely pursue a claim through small claims, it's YOUR money, why should he get away with what he's done / doing?

Michellebops · 19/09/2021 08:45

I do hope you get it back without any drama.

If you do, I'd still be inclined to end the friendship

🤞🏻

Billybagpuss · 19/09/2021 08:48

I feel option B will be the reality, but seriously if he bails again I would be inclined to message along the lines of:

You clearly have no intention of genuinely repaying this debt (use this word not money as it is more powerful) here are my bank details if you choose to repay, I will not be wasting any more energy on this friendship.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 19/09/2021 08:48

I’d pop round to his house.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/09/2021 08:50

He won’t pay- otherwise he’d just transfer the bloody amount

StillWalking · 19/09/2021 08:53

Why don't you go and stand on his door step, instead of trying to arrange a meet up? That way he can't bail out.

I certainly would not be letting him get away with this silly game.

binkydebonky · 19/09/2021 08:53

How much is it..and why cash. ..probably dirty money

Winter2020 · 19/09/2021 08:54

Just on the off chance he wants to pay you back so that he can borrow an even more substantial sum later ....the answer should be no! If he cancels again tonight I would decide not to waste another moment engaging with him.

Mogloveseggs · 19/09/2021 08:58

Unfortunately I don't think he will show sorry

BruceAndNosh · 19/09/2021 09:00

How much is outstanding?

LittleOwl153 · 19/09/2021 09:03

He's definitely reeling you in again. Do you have enough in the texts to look at small claims now?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 19/09/2021 09:05

C. It extends the drama which he'll like.

Imnothereforthedrama · 19/09/2021 09:28

What it’d say if he dues go turn up to tonight you want him to transfer the money . I wouldn’t want a lot of cash on me if then have to go to the bank myself to bank it . How much money are we talking £100’s ? .

Vodka1 · 19/09/2021 09:31

I'm posting so i can see the outcome!

How much money we talking?

KarlUrbansWife · 19/09/2021 09:33

As you've written off the money, you've nothing to lose by walking away. If he bails on you again, tell him you're not getting involved with his silly attempt at "power play" - he needs to know you understand what he's doing. Then block him and get on with your life.

RhubarbFairy · 19/09/2021 09:33

I've voted B but am inclined to think it'll be C

ApolloandDaphne · 19/09/2021 09:34

B he will bail again. He is just stringing you along and you would be right to take back the power and walk away.