Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MN Vote - will he pay up today?

119 replies

Sparklfairy · 19/09/2021 07:43

A few years ago I lent a friend a not insignificant amount of money. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that so the details are irrelevant. At the time he was grateful and making all the right noises about regular payments.

Gradually those 'payments' became £5/week, which most of the time never showed up Hmm I was left in the infuriating position of 'reminding' him and feeling petty over a fiver, or ignoring it and implying it was okay.

I realised that this was some weird power play on his part; he felt that the balance of power in our friendship had shifted in my favour and he didn't like that, so this was his way of wrestling it back by making me go to him for my own money Grin

I walked away from the friendship and although I felt stupid and angry, I did feel better for it. Recently he messaged out of the blue offering the money back (in one go) and apologising. We have been trying to arrange a meet up but both of us have been guilty of trying to cancel so I'm not blaming him for this part.

The thing is, rather than just transfer it, he's saying he wants to do it 'in person' i.e. hand over an envelope of cash 'because it feels more appropriate/respectful to our friendship/I can apologise properly/sincerely' blah blah. The reality is I suspect 1) he's tax dodging and doesn't use his bank, and 2) it's another power play, the big gesture of him being so magnanimous to return the money.

I'm happy to indulge his stupid power games if it gets me the lump sum, but we were due to meet yesterday and he bailed 30mins before we were due to meet, saying he was stuck at work may or may not be true. We've rearranged for this evening.

He doesn't know that if he bails again I'm walking away for good. I'd already written the money off, this feels like 'free money' now but I am not engaging in any more power plays.

So, sorry this is long but based on the above, how do you think today will go?

YABU - He'll turn up tonight and pay in full
YANBU - He'll bail or stand me up and I'll get nothing

Option C - he'll hand over some and then bleat about regular payments again trying to suck me into the power cycle again not happening

Or something else? Anyone saying 'walk away from the drama', I will, but I am really curious as to how this plays out today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklfairy · 19/09/2021 13:40

@Glssr195726113493 I walked away as it was a constant push-pull and him whining 'you can't get blood from a stone' (over a fiver...) and every time I tried to 'pin him down' he would have an excuse.

My intention initially was to go to small claims, but a few weeks after cutting him off Covid hit and the courts shut down. I mentally wrote the money off as even when they opened back up again, there would be a huge backlog and for all I knew he could have moved house by that point.

The situation is different now. I know he lives in the same place and have his address, and he came to me with messages detailing the debt so potentially I could go to SCC.

It's hard to explain the dynamic, but it's like he gets a kick out of me asking and him saying no, so I refuse to get drawn into that now, whether you agree or not.

As of now, I've heard nothing about a time to meet still. If he cancels or just doesn't bother he'll be met with silence while I decide whether to bite the bullet re small claims.

OP posts:
GreenOwl · 19/09/2021 14:32

B or C are obviously the correct answers but if you do get a wad/envelope of cash, just thank him and put it away. If you're not going to ask/contact about any unpaid amount, don't give him the satisfaction of counting it in front of him. If he asks if you're going to count it just reply "No, I trust you" with a smile (despite the fact he obviously isn't trustworthy).

LadyEloise1 · 19/09/2021 23:40

@Sparklfairy
Did he pay up ?

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 20/09/2021 00:37

Did he fuck Hmm

Got a text message late, waffling about work and saying 'obviously I'm not coming now'. No apology, nothing.

OP posts:
pelosi · 20/09/2021 00:45

What a twat. He’s lost a good friend for a few hundred quid. False economy.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/09/2021 01:09

are small claims up and running again?
If not, how much would a solicitors letter cost?

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 20/09/2021 01:14

@ThinWomansBrain yes they are.

I'm not letting him off the hook, but he lives about half an hour from me and the 'wrong' direction for work etc. But he lives 5 mins from my DM, and I am going to stay with her in a week or so. I'm wondering about telling him to drop it over when I'm there, there will be absolutely no excuse for dicking me about then.

I'm not making excuses for him but his work doesn't have a set end time, it's like events and stuff so you can't just leave if it runs over. I'm still angry obviously and he shouldn't have left me hanging all weekend but I've been there myself with a job that is unpredictable.

If he tries to wriggle out of it when he's practically going past my DM's house to get to work, I'll start the small claims process.

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 20/09/2021 01:49

Go to your mum's, ask him via text if he has the money and then just turn up at his house. If he won't give it back tell him you'll take him to small claims because you have the messages confirming he owes you and how much of the debt is left.

Hope you get it back OP!

Susannahmoody · 20/09/2021 02:24

If he tries to wriggle out of it when he's practically going past my DM's house to get to work, I'll start the small claims process

^

Make sure you tell him this. Feckin chancer

TwoAndCooPlease · 20/09/2021 03:16

I can't understand how you're keeping yourself from going to his door. I'd be right there. Furious. Demanding the money. Offering a lift to the atm. Not leaving until he transfers it in front of you. What a prick. Honestly, I'm actually raging for you op can you tell!
There's something about this type of CF who takes the absolute piss (especially money related) that I just can't stay calm about.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 20/09/2021 03:26

@TwoAndCooPlease I think I was doing the softly, softly, catchee monkey, as based on experience, the second he gets called out then he uses that as an excuse to make me the bad guy and not pay at all.

He also likes all of the drama that would happen with what you suggested. And he would love me to turn up and 'demand' money only for him to say no. 'No cash here', 'left my card at work so can't go to the ATM' etc etc He would actually get a kick out of trying to wriggle out of every 'solution' I suggested. It's sick really.

Honestly the best way is to make out it doesn't bother me, and not give in to anything he wants, casually invite him to DM's, and eventually have a small claims letter turn up out of the blue at his house.

OP posts:
TwoAndCooPlease · 20/09/2021 03:35

Oh no, I can completely I understand why you're doing it this way. It makes sense to take this approach if he's a craving drama lama. I actually applaud your calmness. I'm sure you're fizzing inside but hiding it with a great poker face

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 20/09/2021 03:38

I dealt with my fury when I cut him off. Believe me I wanted to go round there and slash his tyres and cut his balls off Grin

still might

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 20/09/2021 05:17

I wouldn’t even bother with the seeing him at your mum’s option. He’s shown time and again he’s a dick just issue the small claims. You have proof it’s owed

CliffsofMohair · 20/09/2021 05:26

Another one for team small claims here.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 20/09/2021 05:46

@Billybagpuss I get what you're saying but a friend of mine submitted their own claim, in I think May? The hearing is booked for January Shock The backlog is so huge right now.

If I go for the nuclear option, that's it, I'm not getting my money before the court date - so June ish next year, plus recovery time of months.

Giving this one last chance to get it right now in a situation where he has zero excuse seems prudent.

I'm under no illusions there's a high chance he won't pay, but given the length of time it'll take to get it through the courts I have to try!

OP posts:
Pollypudding · 20/09/2021 07:36

“He doesn't know that if he bails again I'm walking away for good. I'd already written the money off, this feels like 'free money' now but I am not engaging in any more power plays.”

Please reread your own message- that was his last chance, you have been sucked into his power play again. Take control- go down the small claims route. A real friend would not treat you this way.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 20/09/2021 07:44

@Pollypudding I'm aware of that but when I wrote the post I'd forgotten about going to DMs, plus it'll be 1 year+ to get my money (probably in shitty installments if at all as it seems he's paid cash in hand) going down the small claims route.

If I wasn't going to DM's round the corner from him then yes, I would, but if there's a chance I'll get my money now, I'm taking it.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 20/09/2021 07:48

Agree with pollypudding. You either get the system in motion and forget about it, or you forget about it completely from now. He's a manipulative loser who gets what he can out of people. Presumably he has a better side or you wouldn't have been friends at all, but it doesn't sound like he's much of a loss, unlike the £500.

CruCru · 20/09/2021 09:08

I’ve had this. It’s completely infuriating.

It isn’t so much the dosh but having someone act as though you are mean for wanting to be paid back.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 20/09/2021 10:06

@CruCru

I’ve had this. It’s completely infuriating.

It isn’t so much the dosh but having someone act as though you are mean for wanting to be paid back.

Pretty much sums it up.

I'm not sure why people are insisting i go to small claims now, instead of wait a week when its going to take a year anyway Hmm if you knew anyone with this personality you would know you don't get anywhere by stamping feet and locking horns with this type. Nuclear option means I probably wouldn't even get the money after a judgement. Hes stubborn, wriggles out of everything, is paid cash in hand, how exactly do you propose I get him to pay, even with the sheriffs?

But you want me to not have one last opportunity to get the money now, out of principle? If he doesn't pay up I've lost nothing. If I go straight to small claims I'm definitely not seeing that money for a year, maybe not ever.

OP posts:
PumpkinsGalore · 20/09/2021 12:26

[quote Sparklfairy]@Pollypudding I'm aware of that but when I wrote the post I'd forgotten about going to DMs, plus it'll be 1 year+ to get my money (probably in shitty installments if at all as it seems he's paid cash in hand) going down the small claims route.

If I wasn't going to DM's round the corner from him then yes, I would, but if there's a chance I'll get my money now, I'm taking it.[/quote]
Get him to do a bank transfer! If he doesn't know how, tell him to call his bank and give them your sort code & account number and they'll do it for him

Notaroadrunner · 20/09/2021 12:33

He will no doubt make up some plans when he hears your going to your mother's. Whether you get the money back through SCC or not at least you will probably piss him off by trying.

Minionbums · 20/09/2021 12:41

How do you know this man? Is he a friend of the family, or do you have mutual friends? Someone who can back you up?

1FootInTheRave · 20/09/2021 13:07

I'd do scc even if I didn't need the money.

What an absolute twat he is.