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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MN Vote - will he pay up today?

119 replies

Sparklfairy · 19/09/2021 07:43

A few years ago I lent a friend a not insignificant amount of money. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that so the details are irrelevant. At the time he was grateful and making all the right noises about regular payments.

Gradually those 'payments' became £5/week, which most of the time never showed up Hmm I was left in the infuriating position of 'reminding' him and feeling petty over a fiver, or ignoring it and implying it was okay.

I realised that this was some weird power play on his part; he felt that the balance of power in our friendship had shifted in my favour and he didn't like that, so this was his way of wrestling it back by making me go to him for my own money Grin

I walked away from the friendship and although I felt stupid and angry, I did feel better for it. Recently he messaged out of the blue offering the money back (in one go) and apologising. We have been trying to arrange a meet up but both of us have been guilty of trying to cancel so I'm not blaming him for this part.

The thing is, rather than just transfer it, he's saying he wants to do it 'in person' i.e. hand over an envelope of cash 'because it feels more appropriate/respectful to our friendship/I can apologise properly/sincerely' blah blah. The reality is I suspect 1) he's tax dodging and doesn't use his bank, and 2) it's another power play, the big gesture of him being so magnanimous to return the money.

I'm happy to indulge his stupid power games if it gets me the lump sum, but we were due to meet yesterday and he bailed 30mins before we were due to meet, saying he was stuck at work may or may not be true. We've rearranged for this evening.

He doesn't know that if he bails again I'm walking away for good. I'd already written the money off, this feels like 'free money' now but I am not engaging in any more power plays.

So, sorry this is long but based on the above, how do you think today will go?

YABU - He'll turn up tonight and pay in full
YANBU - He'll bail or stand me up and I'll get nothing

Option C - he'll hand over some and then bleat about regular payments again trying to suck me into the power cycle again not happening

Or something else? Anyone saying 'walk away from the drama', I will, but I am really curious as to how this plays out today.

OP posts:
rocklamp · 20/09/2021 13:40

Smear Sudocrem all over his door, windows and car if you don't get the money.

WheresYourSnickers · 20/09/2021 15:45

I'll really hope you get your money @Sparklfairy.
I agree, for him, it appears it's all about control - do not give him the satisfaction! Just give 👍to any message from him.

dearfanny · 20/09/2021 17:24

He sounds obnoxious. I really hope you get it back. Good luck

ThinWomansBrain · 21/09/2021 08:11

I'm not sure why people are insisting i go to small claims now, instead of wait a week when its going to take a year anyway
suggesting rather than insisting?
if the SC process takes a year, what's the harm in kicking it off and getting it underway - if you leave it another six months, that's eighteen months away.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 21/09/2021 09:52

@ThinWomansBrain I've only ever said ill leave it a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklfairy · 21/09/2021 14:23

Ugh. I haven't spoken to him since he bailed on Sunday. He messaged this morning all chatty about various stuff, said he had a busy week with work but could do Sunday. I left him on read.

Now just had a message saying "you OK?" He really does just expect me to jump when he says doesn't he Hmm

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 21/09/2021 14:27

Can you do gray rock until he pays?

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 21/09/2021 14:36

Thats sort of the plan but I'm not sure how...

Just reply to his chatty message with something like "I'm going to DMs on x date so you can drop the money round on your way to work then" and ignore everything else?

I don't want to stonewall him as he'll lose his temper and be more awkward but I don't want to be friendly either after him dicking me about this weekend and being so blasé about it.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 21/09/2021 14:41

I'll take your bet OP :)

Option C - he'll hand over some and then bleat about regular payments again trying to suck me into the power cycle again not happening

& from your OP, you are clealry smart enough to be thinking steps ahead of him, so at least you will get all the satisfaction of pricking his idiotic Dominance Display bubble by telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, because you will not be engaging in any more of his games.

Wine
ChargingBuck · 21/09/2021 14:45

I have his initial message acknowledging the debt and then the exact figure later, all coming from him, so should be an open and shut case.

ha ha ha.
Power-playing tosser is too stupid to realise that in fact Sparklfairy holds call the power Grin

ChargingBuck · 21/09/2021 14:53

@Sparklfairy

Thats sort of the plan but I'm not sure how...

Just reply to his chatty message with something like "I'm going to DMs on x date so you can drop the money round on your way to work then" and ignore everything else?

I don't want to stonewall him as he'll lose his temper and be more awkward but I don't want to be friendly either after him dicking me about this weekend and being so blasé about it.

Yeah, I reckon that message is your optimum choice.

He will just want to drag it out, so your plan to use the week with your mum as your own 'marker' for how long you will allow the gameplaying to continue is a good one.

You must be itching to give him a verbal kicking - so frustrating & enraging, dealing with all this entitlement & manipulation. Flowers

TempName01 · 21/09/2021 16:04

How about you say to him - ‘just transfer me the money then pop in to see me at DMs if you are free on x day’

MagnoliaBeige · 21/09/2021 16:26

I’d go with “yeah am fine, I’m going to be at dm’s house on x date so you can drop the £x through the door or else my bank details are etc etc if you prefer to clear the debt electronically before then”

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 21/09/2021 23:25

Thanks @ChargingBuck Smile yeah I'm normally pretty direct and outspoken, but there's a fine line here that he will take any perceived slight as an excuse and I'm not willing to give him that. I suppose that's a form of control for him as well, but he has something I want and I will play nice for a few more days.

I sent the message to drop it in on his way to work and stop for a coffee. He said that's a great idea , but that doesn't mean I don't expect 'sorry I overslept' or some other excuse come next week. I will update when I have one!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/09/2021 23:38

🙄

What a wanker!! I bet he's like that in relationships too.

MattHancocksSexTape · 23/09/2021 11:14

@Sparklfairy - any excuses sent through yet?

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 23/09/2021 12:04

@MattHancocksSexTape haven't heard anything which isn't unusual, we only text a couple of times a week. If/when he does cancel he will leave it until the absolute last minute Grin I'm not sure what excuse he could have tbh, but I'm sure he'll try and wriggle out of it anyway.

"I overslept and had to go straight to work" "no worries pop in with it on your way home"
"I'm home from work and too tired" "ok see you in the morning"
"I don't have the cash on me" "cool, my bank details are xyz"

Any others I've missed? Wink

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 23/09/2021 12:46

Any others I've missed?

As you have it in writing that he owes this specific sum - yeah.
You might want to hold back until the week with your mum is over, on the off-chance that he breaks the habit of a lifetime, but -

"What a surprise! A last-minute cancellation, who could have predicted this? Oh - that'll be me, who you've done it to XX times now. I know you're enjoying the sick satisfaction of pretending to want to repay your debt, hope it was fun for you, because I'm stopping the game now. Don't bother contacting me again unless it's to let me know you have completed a bank transfer for the full amount. I'm going to be too busy chasing up the Small Claims Court to have any time left over for liars & manipulators. Cheerio, loser."

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 23/09/2021 13:02

@ChargingBuck I'll be stealing your message if you don't mind Grin sums up pretty much exactly what I want to say!

OP posts:
SoloISland · 23/09/2021 13:30

Definitely small claims court if he does not pay.

How do I vote please?

ChargingBuck · 23/09/2021 13:30

ha ha haha Sparklfairy. I don't mind at all, & if we were real life pals I'd kick his sorry arse for you too. Wink

JauntyJinty · 23/09/2021 13:50

I know this relationship is already dead, but do you guys have mutual friends?

I've dealt with people like this before and I can almost gaurentee you'll be painted as the bad guy to anyone who'll listen! The good news is if he has form for this they'll already take everything with grain of salt but if I were you I'd try to get ahead of it with any mutuals. Let them know you've had to take him to court after over a year of excuses before he can get his narative of not being given a proper chance to pay across!

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 23/09/2021 14:29

@JauntyJinty No, luckily we don't because he doesn't have any friends

OP posts:
AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 23/09/2021 14:35

When you do take him to the small claims court, don't forget to add statutory interest to the amount you want from him; it's probably about forty quid, on a £500 debt outstanding for more than a year.

rainbowstardrops · 23/09/2021 15:53

What a shocker he didn't show!
I think you're right to give him one final chance when you're at your mum's but I think I'd make it clear that if he doesn't then you intend to go through the small claims court. Might just shake him up enough?