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Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 21:08

@Thatsplentyjack.why?lets see because he doesn’t feel compelled to have gf around all the time
He doesn’t want her there because he wants to be with his friends
He doesn’t need to explain or justify it is what it is

Wondergirl100 · 18/09/2021 21:09

Oh I want to give you some advice OP - if you feel anxious and uncomfortable to ask questions like these - you are not in the right relationship. Honestly - and I'm old and experienced and been around the block.

Feeling you have to play it cool and worrying about being 'clingy' is just all generally a sign that the guy is not that in to you - sorry.

Its bloody rude that he expects you to just wait up for him while he has a nice time with friends and their girlfriends - maybe after a short relationshpi but you are a few months in.

Looking back on the relationships Ive had - after 4 months I literally cannot imagine someone saying 'no' in this scenario

Rather than panic that YOU did the right thing - why don't you think hard about how this man is making you feel - ie. like shit/ anxious/ like you can't be yourself

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 21:10

Lots of people who are happy to have a life separate to their partner!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/09/2021 21:11

@Kuachui

Tbh id be a bit put out if my partner didn't want me round there because his friends were there
You'd be annoyed your partner wanted to spend time with their friends without you there?

That's incredibly overbearing.

DamnUserName21 · 18/09/2021 21:12

@Wondergirl100

Oh I want to give you some advice OP - if you feel anxious and uncomfortable to ask questions like these - you are not in the right relationship. Honestly - and I'm old and experienced and been around the block.

Feeling you have to play it cool and worrying about being 'clingy' is just all generally a sign that the guy is not that in to you - sorry.

Its bloody rude that he expects you to just wait up for him while he has a nice time with friends and their girlfriends - maybe after a short relationshpi but you are a few months in.

Looking back on the relationships Ive had - after 4 months I literally cannot imagine someone saying 'no' in this scenario

Rather than panic that YOU did the right thing - why don't you think hard about how this man is making you feel - ie. like shit/ anxious/ like you can't be yourself

Great advice and very well put!
beastlyslumber · 18/09/2021 21:14

@Wondergirl100

Oh I want to give you some advice OP - if you feel anxious and uncomfortable to ask questions like these - you are not in the right relationship. Honestly - and I'm old and experienced and been around the block.

Feeling you have to play it cool and worrying about being 'clingy' is just all generally a sign that the guy is not that in to you - sorry.

Its bloody rude that he expects you to just wait up for him while he has a nice time with friends and their girlfriends - maybe after a short relationshpi but you are a few months in.

Looking back on the relationships Ive had - after 4 months I literally cannot imagine someone saying 'no' in this scenario

Rather than panic that YOU did the right thing - why don't you think hard about how this man is making you feel - ie. like shit/ anxious/ like you can't be yourself

Good advice.
LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 21:14

It’s scary how many needy people are out there. Not just in relationships, people on MN seem to have no issue with asking if they are invited/can they come to things. It’s kind of odd. Why would you do that, knowing that some people will say yes out of obligation/being put on the spot? That is embarrassing

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 21:18

A compounding difficulty is op has adopted a false persona of cool girl
She’s now kind of locked into keeping up that behaviour when it’s norm actually her true demeanour or personality

Thatsplentyjack · 18/09/2021 21:22

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]@Thatsplentyjack.why?lets see because he doesn’t feel compelled to have gf around all the time
He doesn’t want her there because he wants to be with his friends
He doesn’t need to explain or justify it is what it is[/quote]
It's weird, that's what it is. Normal people don't usually behave like that towards the people they are seeing.

lazylinguist · 18/09/2021 21:23

I think that if after 4 months I was still feeling the need to 'play the cool girl' and was apprehensive about things like asking to come over in this kind of situation, I'd be thinking this relationship wasn't for me.

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 21:30

@Thatsplentyjack it’s only weird in your opinion
I socialise with my friends (male & female) without my dp, don’t invite him. It’s no biggie.
He has friends (male & female) he sees and i dont go either
Being in a relationship doesn’t equal you do everything together and all activities are shared and mutual.

Rozziie · 18/09/2021 21:36

@Thatsplentyjack

I think that's really weird of him. Why didn't he ask you round? He's strange, and people on here are strange. Who does that kind of thing?
If OP said she'd invited some friends round and they were hanging out at hers and her boyfriend asked if he could join despite not being invited, wouldn't you think he was clingy and rude?
Rozziie · 18/09/2021 21:38

@LukeEvansWife

It’s scary how many needy people are out there. Not just in relationships, people on MN seem to have no issue with asking if they are invited/can they come to things. It’s kind of odd. Why would you do that, knowing that some people will say yes out of obligation/being put on the spot? That is embarrassing
There are so many people on here with seriously dodgy social skills. Who invites themselves to things? I would hate to feel someone only said yes because they felt pushed into it...how awkward.
Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 21:38

Basically everyone is weird. You just need to find weird suitable to your weird.
What others thing doesn't really matter😁 Especially on Mumsnet (run!)

Annoyedanddissapointed · 18/09/2021 21:38

Think, not thing

melj1213 · 18/09/2021 21:39

There's a different dynamic when introducing a new person into an existing group and its probably not the best time to do it when the group are at the tail end of a night out together. He maybe wanted to relax with them rather than making sure you were ok/fitting in.

This is how I would have interpreted it - halfway through a group hangout (where some people might not be at their best for meeting a friends partner if they've had a few drinks) is not the best time for a friends partner to drop in.

It changes the group dynamics from "hanging out with mates" to "meeting a mate's gf" and changes your BFs role from one of the group to "hosting" you which he probably doesn't want to do partway through the evening.

HTH1 · 18/09/2021 21:44

I would cool it for a bit now (and he wouldn’t be coming round to mine later).

bananafish · 18/09/2021 21:44

Dunno - I would have said, no, see you later as well.

I think I would have felt pressured and slightly irritated. But I'm unreasonably independent and don't like mixing up my friend groups that early on (4 months would be too soon for me).

You're not wrong for asking, and he's not wrong for refusing.

If it's a deal breaker, then it's good to know now, I guess...

icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 21:46

@Thatsplentyjack

I think that's really weird of him. Why didn't he ask you round? He's strange, and people on here are strange. Who does that kind of thing?
Because he was in the middle of a pre planned evening with his mates, and OP already had plans herself.

It's not his responsibility to entertain her just because her plans finished earlier than expected.

Lokdok · 18/09/2021 21:49

So many things to unpack here. Why you’re covering your personality with ‘cool girl’ vibes in your late 30s is odd. I thought you were going to be 18/20 reading this post. Just be yourself! You don’t need your friends or your boyfriend to validate your feelings or actions. I get how you feel. He rejected you and it could be because he doesn’t see you as his girlfriend or isn’t sure you’d fit in with his friendship group which could put doubts on how serious your relationship is OR he just doesn’t want the night to be all about introducing his new girlfriend and just wants some time out. You won’t know if you don’t ask him. No need for games, just be open and honest and hopefully you’ll get the same from him.

BobaFettOnMyBedsideTable · 18/09/2021 21:51

Twenty something me would have been upset and over thought this situation massively, but 40 something me can see why he said no.

Totally agree with what melj1213 has said.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/09/2021 22:07

*Because he was in the middle of a pre planned evening with his mates, and OP already had plans herself.

It's not his responsibility to entertain her just because her plans finished earlier than expected.*

🙄

Thatsplentyjack · 18/09/2021 22:08

If OP said she'd invited some friends round and they were hanging out at hers and her boyfriend asked if he could join despite not being invited, wouldn't you think he was clingy and rude?

Not if their partners were also there, no.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/09/2021 22:11

@melj1213

There's a different dynamic when introducing a new person into an existing group and its probably not the best time to do it when the group are at the tail end of a night out together. He maybe wanted to relax with them rather than making sure you were ok/fitting in.

This is how I would have interpreted it - halfway through a group hangout (where some people might not be at their best for meeting a friends partner if they've had a few drinks) is not the best time for a friends partner to drop in.

It changes the group dynamics from "hanging out with mates" to "meeting a mate's gf" and changes your BFs role from one of the group to "hosting" you which he probably doesn't want to do partway through the evening.

Absolutely this.
Thatsplentyjack · 18/09/2021 22:12

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]@Thatsplentyjack it’s only weird in your opinion
I socialise with my friends (male & female) without my dp, don’t invite him. It’s no biggie.
He has friends (male & female) he sees and i dont go either
Being in a relationship doesn’t equal you do everything together and all activities are shared and mutual.[/quote]
No one said it does they did their own thing. Other partners were there, why wouldn't he want his there too if she was available to come, instead of leaving her sitting at home alone. Any normal partner would invite their partner over if they new their night was over and they were planning on spending the night with them anyway.