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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my boyfriend if I could come over?

328 replies

darylhannah · 18/09/2021 16:58

(Not in the U.K., hence timezone difference!)

Huge debate between my friends and I. Interested to know people's views....

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I tend to give off a very 'cool girl' persona but I'm actually a lot more anxious than I let on.

He and I both had separate plans with friends tonight and the plan was for him to come to my place once his night wrapped up. I gave him my spare key so neither one of us had to wait around for the other.

He ended up having a bunch of friends at his place (men and women, including friend's girlfriends) and my night wrapped up earlier. He dropped me a line to say his would be a late one.

My friends absolutely insisted I should ask whether I should come to his, rather than waiting at home and that it wasn't an unfair request given he had a whole group there.

So I did. It was extremely unnatural for me to do that. I never want to be an imposition or encroach on time with his friends but my friends said I was being ridiculous and of course I'd be welcome. They argued we're all adults (late 30s) and it was completely reasonable for an adult to ask this of their partner.

Well...he replied and said no, he'd just see me at mine later.

I feel so many things. Regret for asking, embarrassed, rejected, disappointed.

Did I follow awful advice in asking him whether I could stop by? I wish I'd stuck to my instincts!

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:18

@Coffeepot72

I’m a bit older so maybe I am old fashioned. But when I met DH, I set my stall out very early on, I made it clear I wasn’t going to be dangled. 30 years on, we’re still very happy
I think that’s pushy but tbf, it’s honest he had the chance to walk away.
BlackberryMuncher · 18/09/2021 20:20

@icedcoffees

Why should he have suggested it, though - why can't he just enjoy some time with his mates?

Some mates & some of their girlfriends Why wouldn't he invite her to join them as they were meeting after their respective nights out with friends. She often stays there, they were planning on spending the night together, so her joining them instead of sitting home alone waiting for him is a nicer thing to do. It just seems rude & weird to me that he didn't just say 'why don't you come & join us & we can stay here instead of at yours'.

iloveruby · 18/09/2021 20:20

@Coffeepot72

I’m a bit older so maybe I am old fashioned. But when I met DH, I set my stall out very early on, I made it clear I wasn’t going to be dangled. 30 years on, we’re still very happy
Completely agree with this. Being clear about your expectations saves so much time and heartache.
LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:21

And the OP is trying to make him think that she’s laidback when she isn’t. That’s the opposite to setting out expectations

icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 20:24

Some mates & some of their girlfriends Why wouldn't he invite her to join them as they were meeting after their respective nights out with friends. She often stays there, they were planning on spending the night together, so her joining them instead of sitting home alone waiting for him is a nicer thing to do. It just seems rude & weird to me that he didn't just say 'why don't you come & join us & we can stay here instead of at yours'.

Because he didn't want to.

Why isn't that enough?

Rozziie · 18/09/2021 20:24

@Coffeepot72

So if 4 months is considered a bit too soon to ask to join a social gathering - at what point WOULD it be ok? I can’t wait to hear from all the cool girls …
Never. If you were wanted somewhere, you'd be invited.

Some people are so incredibly needy!

nyktipolos · 18/09/2021 20:25

I don't think it's really relevant if some of the friends girlfriends are there.

When did it become not ok, to want a night out without your partner, on occasion?

Op wasn't wrong to ask. He wasn't wrong to say no.

icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 20:26

@Coffeepot72

Why do we tip toe around men and insist everything is done at their pace? The 1950s have been and gone
Nothing to do with tiptoeing around him.

It's rude to invite yourself to someone else's social gathering - it doesn't matter if it's an evening in front of Netflix, a meal out, a night at the pub - whatever. It's not your place to invite yourself along.

It's healthy in relationships to have time apart - they don't need to do everything together and he doesn't need to invite her to everything he does.

MiddlesexGirl · 18/09/2021 20:27

Wouldn't be a problem for me tbh.
You don't have to be joined at the hip. You joining his gathering would likely give it a completely different vibe.
And maybe he wants a reason to end the gathering (he's arranged to meet you after) which he wouldn't be able to give if you were there.

ThatMortgageDilemma · 18/09/2021 20:29

Mmh... this would made me wonder why he didn't want me there. I really don't think it was an unreasonable request at all, but what is he hiding that he didn't want you there? Do their friends know about you? Personally, after 4 months I would like a guy to acknowledge I exist. Or, it may be he was embarrassed of the kind of party going on at his, but again, is he hiding a part of himself he doesn't want you to know about?

I hope he has a good excuse not to invite you in. And I think you are lovely, if I had been in the same position I would have replied to his message uninviting him to mine straight away, no doubt.

ThatMortgageDilemma · 18/09/2021 20:30

By the way, never be anyone's second party. If you both are busy with friends, don't meet late at night, it makes it look like a booty call.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:30

again, is he hiding a part of himself he doesn't want you to know about?

Tbf the OP is doing this by pretending to be a cool girlfriend

honeybuns007 · 18/09/2021 20:31

@EspressoDoubleShot

You were too clingy wanting to barge in the friendship group.Just because you’re his gf doesn’t mean he’s glued to you or has to invite you to all meet ups. Only on mn do people have issues with men having female friends
`her night finished early, his was going on longer than planned so their evening together was altered. Nothing at all weird in this situation to check in to see if she could meet up with him there seeing that there were people around anyway. Only on MN do people have an issue with communication with your partner.
LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:32

He could have invited her - he didn’t so that should have been that

EspressoDoubleShot · 18/09/2021 20:34

And only on mn do people think it’s sus if a partner has made other plans without you. According to some on mn they should be with their dp 24-7 and he must not ever be in proximity of female friends without his own girlfriend being present to vett the friends

notacooldad · 18/09/2021 20:35

By the way, never be anyone's second party. If you both are busy with friends, don't meet late at night, it makes it look like a booty call
If you are already in a relationship everything is going well and already have firm plans to meet up as the Op has, why not meet up late on?
Me and my BF when used to date. He has been mybDH for nearly 30byears now so I'm not seeing a problem with a late night call. To be honest, it would be fun!

slashlover · 18/09/2021 20:35

Some mates & some of their girlfriends Why wouldn't he invite her to join them as they were meeting after their respective nights out with friends. She often stays there, they were planning on spending the night together, so her joining them instead of sitting home alone waiting for him is a nicer thing to do. It just seems rude & weird to me that he didn't just say 'why don't you come & join us & we can stay here instead of at yours'.

Why does the girlfriends being there change things? I'm friends with the partners of my friends too.

icedcoffees · 18/09/2021 20:36

Her night finished early, his was going on longer than planned so their evening together was altered. Nothing at all weird in this situation to check in to see if she could meet up with him there seeing that there were people around anyway.

But if he wanted her there, he would have invited her along. He didn't, so that should have been it.

MadKittenWoman · 18/09/2021 20:39

You're in your late thirties but it sounds like you're in your early twenties. What's with the cool girlfriend crap? At 4 months, he should want to be with you. As it is, when his mates and their girlfriends have left, he's coming over later for a shag. Sorry.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:41

He let the OP know it was going to be a late one, the reply to that would be ‘okay see your later/tomorrow/let me know’ not asking if she could come over. That put him in an awkward position.

honeybuns007 · 18/09/2021 20:48

So many MNers seem to think it is weird to talk like normal people with your partner 'hey, I'm finished early, shall I head over'. No, they think you should avoid looking clingy, don't assume your partner will want to see you, not be awkward...sheesh, amazed any of them have relationships at all

pilates · 18/09/2021 20:48

If it was all boys I could understand it but the fact that friends girlfriends were there I admit I would be a bit peeved but I’m only a stranger on the internet and only you know what your relationship is really like. The fact that you have made a thread oh here I think you think this is a red flag.

LukeEvansWife · 18/09/2021 20:56

@honeybuns007

So many MNers seem to think it is weird to talk like normal people with your partner 'hey, I'm finished early, shall I head over'. No, they think you should avoid looking clingy, don't assume your partner will want to see you, not be awkward...sheesh, amazed any of them have relationships at all
No, you shouldn’t ask yourself along to anything - it’s about being rude as well as looking clingy
DamnUserName21 · 18/09/2021 20:58

@Stompythedinosaur

I wouldn't like that either op, and I don't consider myself to be massively hard work as a partner. I wouldn't appreciate not being welcome at a get together but being expected to wait up at home until he is ready to hang out with you. It is a bit denigrating.

I do plenty of things separately from my dp, but I cannot imagine him hosting a mixed gender get together that I wasn't welcome at, particularly if he knew I was alone and wanted to come. I expect him to both want to see me and care about my feelings.

I agree.

This guy is not your partner. It is someone you are dating only. I wouldn't overly invest nor would I have him over if it gets too late.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/09/2021 21:05

I think that's really weird of him. Why didn't he ask you round? He's strange, and people on here are strange. Who does that kind of thing?