Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

I had a similar situation. My child loved the nanny but she was exactly the same. Sometimes great, other days terrible and brought such a negative energy that I didn’t even want to be in the house. After letting her stay way too long we let her go and got someone else. Things are so much better now, wish I had done it sooner! Good luck.

I don't get all these posts saying maybe the problem is you for XYZ reason, maybe you're not trying hard enough to get on etc... The problem is that you and the nanny do not gel, and you don't feel comfortable with the arrangement. I don't think we need to sit around debating whether or not you are a bit too sensitive about X or should grow a thicker skin about Y. The arrangement isn't working for you, end of story. That's a good enough reason to end it. Start looking for a new nanny, and when interviewing people make a big effort to see how you get on. Think about this during probation as well. There will be plenty of people out there who you get on with. Maybe even look at a live out nanny, if that makes you more comfortable. The point of all of this is you are paying someone to make your life easier, not more difficult.

[quote 5zeds]@Blondeshavemorefun because she thought the nanny was going to knock before she came in?[/quote]
Why should she

It’s her home

[quote 5zeds]@Blondeshavemorefun because she thought the nanny was going to knock before she came in?[/quote]
But then the nanny (who she knows is live in and presumably had a key) would knock, and she would do what? Stop singing and run upstairs to get dressed? It’s still an odd way to go about things.

To be honest the whole situation is just off. Some of the stuff originally mentioned (nanny not knocking, taking offered clothes, changing nappy in playroom, cooking the meal so mum can feed the baby) does sound petty and not at all the nanny’s fault. The stuff that’s come out later (salary advances, begging money for loans) is very unprofessional and shouldn’t have been allowed. Most of the problems re salary and loans, could have easily been headed off at the pass with ‘sorry, I’m not able to offer out of contract loans and advances. Sure you understand.’

The crux of it is that this isn’t working as a professional relationship. But I don’t think the nanny can be wholly blamed as it sounds like there’s a lot of family issues too..

@AdifferentGoat I think you are amazing and inspirational. You have battled depression, what sounds like an incredibly unsupportive marriage and effectively being a single parent and you have made it back into employment and are putting up with an awful situation for the benefit of your baby. In your posts I keep hearing you blaming yourself for not being stronger, more tolerant or something and it is not fair on you. You have got so much on your plate and you are being manipulated by a parasite of a nanny who is truly vile in her behaviour. I am so disappointed that there are so many posters picking holes with the language you use and suggesting you should put up with it. What crap!! Yes your baby is happy and bonded but what is most important for her is that her mum is well and this vile woman is making you stressed - no two ways about it. I hope you pass the probation ASAP so that you can have some stability and get yourself a new nanny. Your baby will be fine with someone new and her wonderful mum will much be happier too. Wishing you tons of luck xx

@AdifferentGoat I think you are amazing and inspirational. You have battled depression, what sounds like an incredibly unsupportive marriage and effectively being a single parent and you have made it back into employment and are putting up with an awful situation for the benefit of your baby. In your posts I keep hearing you blaming yourself for not being stronger, more tolerant or something and it is not fair on you. You have got so much on your plate and you are being manipulated by a parasite of a nanny who is truly vile in her behaviour. I am so disappointed that there are so many posters picking holes with the language you use and suggesting you should put up with it. What crap!! Yes your baby is happy and bonded but what is most important for her is that her mum is well and this vile woman is making you stressed - no two ways about it. I hope you pass the probation ASAP so that you can have some stability and get yourself a new nanny. Your baby will be fine with someone new and her wonderful mum will much be happier too. Wishing you tons of luck xx

This
Trust your gut @AdifferentGoat Courage!!

@AdifferentGoat YANBU and you’re amazing.

I never search old posts, but at your own reference to yours I had a gander. You’re a witty, eloquent writer and you seem like a kind and fun person.

Nothing to add otherwise.

[quote TreadLightly3]@AdifferentGoat I think you are amazing and inspirational. You have battled depression, what sounds like an incredibly unsupportive marriage and effectively being a single parent and you have made it back into employment and are putting up with an awful situation for the benefit of your baby. In your posts I keep hearing you blaming yourself for not being stronger, more tolerant or something and it is not fair on you. You have got so much on your plate and you are being manipulated by a parasite of a nanny who is truly vile in her behaviour. I am so disappointed that there are so many posters picking holes with the language you use and suggesting you should put up with it. What crap!! Yes your baby is happy and bonded but what is most important for her is that her mum is well and this vile woman is making you stressed - no two ways about it. I hope you pass the probation ASAP so that you can have some stability and get yourself a new nanny. Your baby will be fine with someone new and her wonderful mum will much be happier too. Wishing you tons of luck xx[/quote]
Thank you so much @treadlightly3. I appreciate your words so much. I know I am just a stranger but your message made me feel better. I'm really trying. The reason I need this woman is I need this job. Also I am well aware that maybe I was to blame re being overly emotional? However when it comes down to it, I barely sleep at night as baby going through bad period. Husband doesn't ever help so I do it alone. And I am happy to as she is my baby and I love her with all my heart. But when I tell him I am exhausted, I get the same response:I hired you a nanny. Tell her to stay up. He doesn't seem to understand that yes, we hired a nanny but that doesn't mean we are absolved of our duties as parents. He doesn't get why I feel on edge. When she interviewed with us, I let her know that I appreciate open communication and that I need someone who can be the same. She said that was her. I am essentially a single parent. I relied so much on her and she knows it. But I have never abused her hours or overworked her. However she knows I need her. And each time I feel low, that's when she asks for an advance or extra cash as she is 'struggling'. I have given it each time as I feel bad for her when she talks about her problems. I also feel I 'owe' her even though this is a job?
Again, thank you. I'm going to work my way through probation and once that is done, I will hire someone else. I very much doubt she will repay the loan but it is what it is and I am too tired. Thank you again. You have no idea how much your kindness means.

@Kanaloa. I would have assumed she would let me know she was home. I had told her I would be spending all day with baby so to please come home at hour x and enjoy her hours prior. She had been in her room for an hour before she emerged with a glum expression. The kind of glum sighing negative face you cannot ignore without asking if she was alright? She sighed and said yes.

For me the biggest problem here is your relationship with DH over what's going on with the nanny. I'd be pushing relationship counseling first.

I mean this kindly - you must also work on your boundaries. You need to keep a professional distance with the nanny - any nanny. Otherwise you may end up with a similar situation.
No loans, no unauthorised stays, no asking her how she is beyond the obvious. Don't gift her things and so on. She's not your friend.

@Grellbunt

I mean this kindly - you must also work on your boundaries. You need to keep a professional distance with the nanny - any nanny. Otherwise you may end up with a similar situation. No loans, no unauthorised stays, no asking her how she is beyond the obvious. Don't gift her things and so on. She's not your friend.

You are right. I couldn't agree more. I'll be much smarter next time. However in this case, I just felt bad for her and since she is taking care of my child, I was unnaturally grateful (does that make sense?).

@MyOtherProfile

For me the biggest problem here is your relationship with DH over what's going on with the nanny. I'd be pushing relationship counseling first.

Yes. True. I do have a DH problem but there isn't much I can do about it right now. I fell in love with him for reasons I barely see anymore. Since we had our baby, all the values I assumed he had have vanished. I cannot voice any concern without being told I am 'dramatic'.

I would:
write off the money as gone
tell her firmly that weekends are family time and she can't stay, "going forward we can't have you here at weekends, I'm sorry I wasn't clearer about that before, thank you for understanding"
start interviewing new nannies for a full time/live out position on her day off
your husband's opinion doesn't matter because he isn't around, stop trying to get his input or help on anything to do with the firing or hiring, if he calls you dramatic you can just say "it's not working out, I'm looking for someone new"

Don't wait for your probationary period to end, just get her out of the house on the weekends and start interviewing. All states in the US are "at-will" employment which means you can fire her for any reason at any time.

You can do this but you have to just stop doubting yourself and get it done, you will feel much better when the dark cloud/angry shadow is gone. There are a million chirpy 20 year olds that would love to be your nanny.

Of course it makes sense - you are a nice person and you want to help people. But right now you need to come first because that is how you will help yourself and your daughter to build a life as assertive, confident individuals. This is one of those "Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others" moments. Put yourself first for a while. You deserve it and it is necessary.

How did you find the nanny? Do you have a strategy for finding a new one? Stop worrying about the past and focus on that.

Research how much notice etc the existing nanny needs to be given.

Write off loans in your head

• any repayment will be a bonus now. Don't keep her on expecting repayment to magically happen.

Start searching for new nanny lady

@BookFiend4Life

I would: write off the money as gone tell her firmly that weekends are family time and she can't stay, "going forward we can't have you here at weekends, I'm sorry I wasn't clearer about that before, thank you for understanding" start interviewing new nannies for a full time/live out position on her day off your husband's opinion doesn't matter because he isn't around, stop trying to get his input or help on anything to do with the firing or hiring, if he calls you dramatic you can just say "it's not working out, I'm looking for someone new"

Don't wait for your probationary period to end, just get her out of the house on the weekends and start interviewing. All states in the US are "at-will" employment which means you can fire her for any reason at any time.

You can do this but you have to just stop doubting yourself and get it done, you will feel much better when the dark cloud/angry shadow is gone. There are a million chirpy 20 year olds that would love to be your nanny.

Thank you so for this advice. I feel trapped because I only just landed this job and firing her and finding a new person will mean I need to dedicate hours to getting my child used to new nanny. Again, this is my fear. I worry how I will have the mental space to focus on both my job and finding a new person. I also am recovering from severe depression so everything seems harder. This is why I am glad I posted as am seeing maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are and it is okay to dismiss her once I find someone new and I am not beholden to her? I also need to accept that my husband simply isn't around to help re decision making. Thank you for the encouragement.

I think you can get it done in three weekends! Use care.com (I was a nanny on care and it worked great for me), line up a bunch of interviews one right after another for Saturday 1 and 2, on Saturday 3 line up your favorites to come play with your baby and go with whoever you like the best. Great attitude is a must.

Also your baby will adjust really quickly, but you have to try your best to focus on work when the nanny is there and let them handle the babycare. It is really tough to work for someone who is WFH and comes out everytime the baby cries. I know you are nervous but your baby will be ok! I took care of three quite young babies for different families (starting at 2 weeks, 3 mos and 6 mos) and they all cried for mom at first but very quickly settled into a happy routine.

@AdifferentGoat

She is a live-in nanny. Due to covid, I was worried re having someone enter and exit. Cases are quite awful where I live. Also she requested live-in and I was more than happy as she interviewed so well. That and if you have seen my previous posts, I desperately am seeking financial freedom. Was going through serious postpartum depression and have absolutely no family around. The good news is my baby adores her. Our live in arrangement is one in which she stays at ours during the work week and elsewhere during the weekend. I had told her from start I might need her for the occasional weekend evening to babysit my baby and she said totally fine (we of course pay her for these hours). The problem is... She gets so upset or 'vacant' in the eyes when I ask her to do something differently. Further she seems to have all these family problems and issues with her boyfriend and some days we get the 'amazing nanny' and other days, the shadow of darkness. How on earth do I address this? I have never had in-house help.

You may be being sensitive but you are paying her to look after your child so you need to have someone you’re happy with especially if she lives with you! You’ll find someone else.

@BookFiend4Life

Also your baby will adjust really quickly, but you have to try your best to focus on work when the nanny is there and let them handle the babycare. It is really tough to work for someone who is WFH and comes out everytime the baby cries. I know you are nervous but your baby will be ok! I took care of three quite young babies for different families (starting at 2 weeks, 3 mos and 6 mos) and they all cried for mom at first but very quickly settled into a happy routine.

You are absolutely right. I don't want to be a micromanaging mum. It is why I try my hardest to work outside the home as to give her space however with zoom calls and what not, it is hard. I think if I trusted her I wouldn't worry but I don't. I don't have an exact reason as to why I don't trust her aside from moody and money issues. That coupled with me already doubting my judgement makes for a bad mix. I guess I just want encouragement re it is okay to dismiss someone and my baby will bond with someone else and I won't lose my job in the interim. Also my baby has bonded so much with her. Maybe I am the psycho who is ripping a connection away from my baby simply because this woman makes me so uneasy.

Your baby will be just fine, you're not psycho, you should only have people working in your home that you trust and like. You can do it!

Also if I came home to my live in position to find my employer in her underwear shouting random songs and the employer then yelped and seemed really shocked to find me in the house I wouldn’t know how to either. People behave awkwardly in awkward situations

As a nanny this kind of thing is a surprisingly regular occurrence, seeing employers in their PJs/underwear/swimwear/topless is par for the course, especially when you live in. You just have to laugh it off.

If she's not right then find a new nanny, life is too short to feel uncomfortable in your own home. If you want to try and make it work then I would suggest changing the position to live out and only for the hours you need (with overtime agreed in advance). Quick handover at either end of the day and then you stay out of their hair. Be clear if you want certain things done a certain way, she's not a mind reader.

I do however get the impression the feeling is fairly mutual, and sometimes nanny/parent relationships just don't work out and that is ok.

Also you may not be aware that in the US the probationary period for office type jobs is generally just a formality because of the at-will employment laws. If you do decent work (you seem very conscientious) I'm sure you'll move into the regular position with no trouble.

AdifferentGoat - you poor thing- some of the advice on this thread has been very unhelpful.

Stop searching for ways to make yourself feel comfortable with this woman - trust your gut instinct.

Is your workaholic DH a high earner and do you have access to the family income? Have you thought about getting a sleep expert/nanny to help with baby’s sleep routine? If baby sleeps then you will be less exhausted.

Are you getting help for your PND? Do you have good medical care - could you access online therapy?

With regards to Nanny being there at the weekends- tell her clearly that staying here at the weekend is not an option and if possible put this in writing. Then when she leaves for the weekend keep a key in the inside of the house so she can’t get in and/or have a second lock fitted that she doesn’t have a key for so she CANNOT get in at the weekend.

Do you have colleagues who are working Mums? Might any of them be interested in a nanny share (if they have a Nanny then it cuts their costs if their Nanny looks after your baby at the same time)?

How are others coping with closing Nurseries? Are there any childminders near you (“in home day care”) might be the term in the US? With less kids there is less chance of closure etc.

Are you certain that local regulations mean it is hard to fire someone who has not been in your employment for long?

Do you have some friends even if they don’t have kids that you could chat to about this all on Zoom? What about former colleagues?

Good luck.