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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

412 replies

AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 11:55

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 18/09/2021 20:23

He would be irrelevant in my decision-making about this nanny issue. I’d tell him about the firing and replacement after the fact, and stop talking to him about any of the issues. Why does his opinion matter at all?

I agree with this~ for the moment. I think you need to separate your nanny problem from the larger ' husband problem'. He's not going to be of any help with her so, unfortunately, you need to sort it out yourself, however awkward you may feel it is to dismiss her.

Afterwards, you need to talk to your husband to see if you can both move forward together if he will listen. I do think some people seem to have their brains wired up in a different way to the rest of us and you can never get through to them. They're probably the reason the expression 'banging your head against a brick wall' was invented. Wink

NinjaBreadMan · 18/09/2021 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/09/2021 20:46

Tricky. If my mb kept asking me if I was ok, and making it obvious she didn’t like me I would prob. E sullen and quiet and stare etc

You have to like the nanny. She is entrusted with your child

If you don’t like her /think the fitisn’t right, you need to let her go

Re having a live in nanny. It’s meant to be her home. She doesn’t need to announce she is there

If you expected her at 6; why were you in your underwear and not dressed

That’s not her fault

If you work 8-2 a live out nanny would be best

You say worried about COVID, but if she goes home at weekends she will see and mix with people

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/09/2021 20:47

[quote AdifferentGoat]@RandomMess. I never thought of this. Sometimes I ask her for help re putting baby down but I am always guilt stricken. She owes us (where we stand now) three months salary. On top of that, I have given bonuses and certain times when she comes out with me, she will look at something she thinks is pretty and I end up buying it for her as she is forever talking about how hard her life is. That and I truly want to make whoever is looking after my child happy. But I see now that this isn't sustainable. At least in this way.[/quote]
This needs to stop

3mths salary

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 20:51

@NinjaBreadMan

So you seriously can’t have a conversation with your husband where he will value your point of view because you’ve had PND? How often have you been made to feel that you’re delusional? And has this come purely from him or is it supported by other family/ friends?
I wish I could counter what you saying but I feel since I got ill with PND, even as I strive to get better, I am being told I am dramatic or have issues. I had previously suffered from depression as well. However I never hurt him or hurt anyone. I hurt myself in that what am I doing to my own life? I got much better just as I got pregnant. I was fine even when I gave birth. I got depressed and horribly so 3 or 4 months in. A lot of it related to being alone. Rarely sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. No help at all. Even an hour to just rest. I was a new mum and didn't know I could just place baby in crib and take shower. I was always worried I would hurt her or harm her so I constantly felt like I was on high alert. We hired the nanny to help me out since he couldn't be around. Also to help me re work. However when I bring up issues, I am always told that I am 'being dramatic' and to to reasonable as I have help so what am I complaining about? Certain friends support it too. Because I had such a public meltdown re my PND, it is assumed I am just being 'dramatic'. And maybe they think I am focusing on this as to forget my job. I don't know what to say but that I wish I were a stronger person who could have kept my wits about me and managed to live a life where I wasn't reliant on a man.
OP posts:
Grellbunt · 18/09/2021 20:54

Sorry, I had to login again after a Mumsnet break just to respond to you.

This woman sounds like very bad news. She said that your breast milk was weak? That's uncalled for and cruel. Look for someone nicer. That comment tells us everything we need to know about her character, and it's not good. Good luck. You've a lot on your plate.

Grellbunt · 18/09/2021 20:57

Also - this is really odd as the thread had a LOT more posts a few hours ago...

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 21:04

@blondeshavemorefun. I don't randomly run about asking her if she is okay. If anything I am the last person to think anyone needs to be 'on' or consistently happy. What I am struggling with is when I am feeding child in morning, she will saunter in with a glum expression. She is our nanny so naturally we are paying her for child related duties. When I had severe PND she fed baby etc but now that I am getting better and esp since I am working, I told her that I want to feed baby before I start work. And I'd like her to cook the meal but I will feed my baby and post feeding, I will give her to nanny x and once I am done work, I will be with baby unless I need babysitting. Sometimes I even tell her, nanny x just relax and take a break but one way or another she wants to be around my child. I am so lucky in that she does love my baby but my God I wish to every religion or non religion available that I had a husband who could help me navigate these issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 21:06

@Grellbunt

Also - this is really odd as the thread had a LOT more posts a few hours ago...
I dont know re that. However thank you for kind words. Maybe some of the confusion is I'm working on US time? It really did hurt me immensely what she said about my breast milk but I chalked it up to her being a professional who knows better.
OP posts:
Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 18/09/2021 21:09

Trust your gut. Find a new nanny.

5zeds · 18/09/2021 21:09

I think she undermines your relationships with your husband and child. Expect not to get the money back. Find a new nanny and remove her from your lives. You can do this. You sound like you have excellent organising skills but are second guessing yourself. You can organise your way out of this. There must be thousands of women who’d jump at the job you describe.

Grellbunt · 18/09/2021 21:10

Well, I don't know what others think but that doesn't sound at all professional. That's just a horrible comment.

5zeds · 18/09/2021 21:11

Of course your breast milk isn’t weak. What does that even mean and how would she know???

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/09/2021 21:13

[quote AdifferentGoat]@blondeshavemorefun. I don't randomly run about asking her if she is okay. If anything I am the last person to think anyone needs to be 'on' or consistently happy. What I am struggling with is when I am feeding child in morning, she will saunter in with a glum expression. She is our nanny so naturally we are paying her for child related duties. When I had severe PND she fed baby etc but now that I am getting better and esp since I am working, I told her that I want to feed baby before I start work. And I'd like her to cook the meal but I will feed my baby and post feeding, I will give her to nanny x and once I am done work, I will be with baby unless I need babysitting. Sometimes I even tell her, nanny x just relax and take a break but one way or another she wants to be around my child. I am so lucky in that she does love my baby but my God I wish to every religion or non religion available that I had a husband who could help me navigate these issues.[/quote]
You need a live out nanny

Who goes home at 2pm

I was a nanny for over 20yrs and yes I get it’s hard to have someone in your home / but R.E.M. it’s their workspace 8-2

And if live in then home 2 to bedtime

Grellbunt · 18/09/2021 21:15

I completely understand what you mean about PND making you doubt yourself. But you shouldn't on this score. Have any friends or a counsellor you can lean on for support? How is your relationship with your parents?

I wouldn't involve your husband. If he asks I'd refer to the non-repayment of loans and entering your home without permission at weekends. Keep it neutral.

Don't tell your nanny anything until you have a watertight replacement lined up.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/09/2021 21:15

@nannynick

She arrived ti babysit at a different time to the time you asked her to arrive? Seems very odd that she was there for an hour before you knew she was there.
She's a live in nanny apparently but she needs to announce herself everytime she gets in? Odd
Grellbunt · 18/09/2021 21:16

@5zeds

Of course your breast milk isn’t weak. What does that even mean and how would she know???
Exactly. It's nonsense.
Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 21:16

@5zeds

I think she undermines your relationships with your husband and child. Expect not to get the money back. Find a new nanny and remove her from your lives. You can do this. You sound like you have excellent organising skills but are second guessing yourself. You can organise your way out of this. There must be thousands of women who’d jump at the job you describe.
Thank you. Where I got stuck or rather where I am stuck is I am on probation with my current job. Yes my 'official' hours are 8am to 2pm but I need to be available for calls. And there are always calls and my husband is forever busy. I am not trying to paint myself as a victim but I am second guessing myself at every turn. How do I get independent when I am uncomfortable with the means(our nanny). Also okay, we dismiss her and then what? I'll have to do the whole hiring thing on my own as even though I am working, my work isn't as important as my husband's
OP posts:
Grellbunt · 18/09/2021 21:19

@AryaStarkWolf she wasn't "live-in" that day.

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 18/09/2021 21:22

@AryaStarkWolf. I dont need her to 'announce' herself but yesterday was an unusual situation where I got a day off from work. Our director remarried for third time and he wanted to celebrate with all the employees Grin.
So because I was not working, I told her if she wanted to take an impromptu day off and to just come home around x hour and babysit my daughter so I could meet with my friend. Anyways she wasn't home by that hour so assumed she was running late hence why I got a shock when she announced she had been home all along.

OP posts:
5zeds · 18/09/2021 21:27

Is there not a nanny agency you could hire through or a local nannies college you could use? Do you have enough money to just pay for a temporary nanny for a month or two?

Theboywiththearabstrap · 18/09/2021 21:28

I really feel for you.
There is something not working in the relationship though, having a nanny should be a positive experience, for you it’s not. Time to find someone else.

5zeds · 18/09/2021 21:28

Nb you are part time, so nobody will expect you to be child free out of hours even if you’re taking calls etc.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/09/2021 21:29

I still don’t get if she wasn’t there by 6 , which she should have been

why you were still in underwear singing to dd

Not being picky but surely you would be dressed 545

5zeds · 18/09/2021 21:31

@Blondeshavemorefun because she thought the nanny was going to knock before she came in?