Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

You are not the problem here. Take the money out of her salary in instalments, starting with the next payment. Do not give any more advances. Tell her she cannot stay at the weekends unless you've agreed overtime. Treat her as an employee. If she picks up, then great. You're scared that you need her more than she needs you - I doubt very much that this is the case. She obviously needs the job/money, so don't worry.

In the meantime, you can interview for a new nanny at the weekends. As soon as you have someone, or as soon as your probation is over, whichever comes first, let this one go. With the new nanny, get the rules in place from the beginning. I know it seems overwhelming at the moment, but just get a set of steps in place. It is a manageable situation, but you do have to manage it!

@Lougle

I think the issue is partly that you're blurring boundaries. Sometimes you're treating her like a friend, sometimes a lodger and sometimes a nanny.

Your comment earlier re. asking her to shut the door because you're on a Zoom call. Why couldn't you shut the door? She's not your PA, she's your nanny. If she's doing the 'nanny' thing and it's going to interfere with your Zoom call, you need to fix it.

The clothes thing is just weird. You're giving the clothes away to no-one in particular. Why does it matter if your nanny takes the clothes or they go to the shelter? Would you have kept any of them if the shelter weren't taking donations? Did you select clothes you still wanted for donation out of generosity for the shelter, or did you just have a clear out and it included some nicer clothes?

Good point. I asked her to shut the door because she opened it as I was on a call. I had previously told her I know it isn't easy to be a nanny when both parents work from home but can she please make sure if I shut a door, it means I have an important work call. She never does to my husband. Only me. Re the clothes, I was donating maternity and baby clothes alongside some 'nicer' items. I told her she could take a item or two if she really liked the look of it. However she ended taking all the nice baby and maternity wear.

i dont believe your husband can't have SOME time at home....i just don't. unless he's running the country or something.

somethings not right there

Does she have a baby? Why was she taking baby wear? Is she going to sell it on?

@gardeninggirl68

i dont believe your husband can't have SOME time at home....i just don't. unless he's running the country or something.

somethings not right there

He rarely does. I wouldn't even need a nanny if I knew I could count on him for some nights. I realise now I cannot count on him. He will wake some days and ask why I look so shattered and I will tell him it's because I rarely sleep as our baby struggles with sleep and I have to work. He will then think I am picking a fight or looking at him and state how he 'never'wakes up later than 5 am and he cannot remember last time he slept in. It isn't a tit for tat but for whatever damn reason this is my life.

@DragonDoor

She does sound a bit unusual in her communication. Im presuming she isn’t a live in nanny. How strange to have waited an hour before she let you know she had arrived.

Has she taken on board your requests about nappy changing? How is she with your child otherwise?

What was she doing for the hour if you were playing with your child? She obviously wasn't minding it.

@Lougle

Does she have a baby? Why was she taking baby wear? Is she going to sell it on?

Her daughters are grown. She doesn't need the babywear but she took most of it. I felt quite baffled. Again, not trying to make myself look great here but it important to give the right context. We pay our nanny very well. I have given her countless items. I have never not treated her if we are out together. That is why I am disappointed. She knew the clothes were for women in need. She could have taken one or several items that caught her eye but why would she take 80-90% of it?

@sueelleker, I have no idea. The arrangement was she would come at x hour to babysit. By x hour she wasn't home so I assumed she was running late. However all along she was home!!
I promise you if I wasn't in such a sensitive position with my job and married to a shadow of a man, I probably wouldn't even be posting this. However credit to my 'shadow' of a husband, he is trying in his own way to support me to get better and gain footing when it comes to my career. But see, if I approach him now and state that something is off with the nanny...Due to my postpartum depression and how deeply lost the plot was with me... He will assume it is me being dramatic. And yes, I could just fire her (rules are stringent and nonetheless I would give her adequate notice etc) but again, he is too 'busy' to help me but yet not busy enough to critique me

It sounds like she has serious money problems, she took the clothes that were worth selling.

You aren’t the problem.

Be direct. If she doesn’t keep the doors shut so you can have privacy on work calls (why is she even in the room when you are working?) then she is not providing the service you require.
Ignore the clothes it’s too late but don’t give her the option again.
If she changes the nappy where you have told her not to then she is not doing what’s required (nb not changing nappies in the sittingroom is normal).
She needs to pay back the loan and there will be no more advances on salary.
Your child can is in childcare she is NOT key, and you can find a replacement.

I don’t understand why you are you constantly saying most of this is your fault - it’s not.

She’s moody. Ignores instructions. Makes you uncomfortable in your home, seemingly deliberately. She ignores the contractual arrangements about where she is supposed to live at weekends. She has asked for multiple advances on salary, AND borrowed a significant amount of money which she hasn’t paid back.

She’s worked out that you have issues with sticking to boundaries and that you were vulnerable and she's played on that.

Stop wringing your hands about how mean/unfair you think you are and instead think about how much extra stress she is adding to your life, when the whole point of this arrangement was to remove stress and hassle.

You’re in the US. Find out what laws and regulations you have to abide by, line up a new nanny, and replace her.

To sell it… that’s why she took the good stuff…

@RandomMess

It sounds like she has serious money problems, she took the clothes that were worth selling.

This might be the case. Come to think of it, it makes perfect sense. She does have money problems or at least she doesn't know how to manage it. However when I try and approach this with my husband and say we need to present a united front, she shifts gears and is absolutely amazing and my husband goes on to tell me: You are finally working again honey. You love what you do and nanny x is taking care of baby and sure she is not best with money but I got you what you needed and that was a nanny so quit the drama.

Line up a new nanny before you fire her. Make the new post live out position, less intrusive
Keep records of what she owe you email it to her,if necessary deduct from final salary
Prepare yourself for fireworks she’ll not be happy..

@hesterssamplerofcarrots, thank you so much. I am going to look into regulation. In meantime I will look for someome new. I just need to pass my probation period. If I didn't have that concern, this would be a non entity. I also need my husband to see I am not being a hysterical bored wife. Yes he has his faults but he does adore our child. However for the life of me, no matter what I say, he cannot understand that it us as parents who are responsible for baby mental well being. He thinks since he is paying for a nanny, I should be 'switching off' and if I am tired, I should tell nanny to take the baby. But that is not what I want. I don't want someone else to raise my child. If I could even have one night a week where he would feed her bathe her and put her to bed, I wouldn't be here. But he isn't around. I'm sorry for all all over the place I sound but I guess it is clear I am very sad and desperate.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Line up a new nanny before you fire her. Make the new post live out position, less intrusive Keep records of what she owe you email it to her,if necessary deduct from final salary Prepare yourself for fireworks she’ll not be happy..

She won't be happy. It will be very difficult to fire her and who knows what she will state. The loan we gave her is equivalent of 4 months salary. I have deducted but then each month she would site a family issue so I felt bad. Also the height of my postpartum depression, I felt like I owed her or she was doing me a favour. I was so ashamed of how depressed I was and I remember her telling me how my breast milk was weak. I told my husband but he would remind me I wasn't well and what nanny x was saying was real. He would say he would love to be there for me but he hired me a nanny so I technically should be fine.

This is just my opinion, but…..

He’s not around

You’re back at work to leave the marriage

He “adores” the baby, but does nothing with the baby because he’s absent, and sees nothing wrong with outsourcing the care and parenting of the baby, instead of seeing a nanny as a temporary solution to care while the parents are working

He would be irrelevant in my decision-making about this nanny issue. I’d tell him about the firing and replacement after the fact, and stop talking to him about any of the issues. Why does his opinion matter at all?

Ok,you’ve got to protect yourself. Get confirmation she owes you 4mth salary
You have leverage. Use it.Sack her, when she give you aggro you say you’ll instruct a lawyer to pursue the debt if she doesn’t go quietly
She emotionally blackmailed you, rinsed you for money. You need to use a bit of a push back.

Tell her now that the money needs repaying and you will be deducting x amount from each monthly salary so it is repaid over 6 to 12 months and you cannot advance her anymore.

You won't get it all back but if you don't she will leave owing you 4 months salary minimum.

I half expect her to quit once you reduce her monthly salary.

I would also get her working extra hours to repay the money.

Perhaps putting DD to bed and then babysitting whilst you go out to the gym or with friends or similar. Make the most of her being there.

You could also interview nannies in the evening away from your house and meet up with them at a weekend to assess how the relate to your DD.

@HestersSamplerofCarrots

This is just my opinion, but…..

He’s not around

You’re back at work to leave the marriage

He “adores” the baby, but does nothing with the baby because he’s absent, and sees nothing wrong with outsourcing the care and parenting of the baby, instead of seeing a nanny as a temporary solution to care while the parents are working

He would be irrelevant in my decision-making about this nanny issue. I’d tell him about the firing and replacement after the fact, and stop talking to him about any of the issues. Why does his opinion matter at all?

Because I still carry hope. It's pathetic but true. I still visualise a family picture where we all take the other seriously. Yes, I could fire her one way or another but who will be around to pick up the pieces while I finish my probationary period at work. He isn't a bad person. Even if I end up leaving him, I will always admire him for things he probably doesn't know I adore about him. BUT and there is a big BUT here, if I could just wake him up, make him see that this nanny we paid for isn't right and we both need to look for someone new, God. Life would be easier then. What I fear is successfully firing her and then being stuck as he isn't around to help me find childcare be it nanny or nursery. And yes I could do it alone but takes care of my job in the interim period.

How big is your hallway that you didn't see her whilst dancing up and down it half naked?

Sorry. Apparently I am addicted to typos. I meant to say who will help me re my job as we look for a new nanny. He thinks this one is 'amazing' while simultaneously complaining to me that he is so sad he is missing out on her. I believe it. But then I state that it is hard for me as I am newly back in workforce but find in hard to focus as worried our nanny is off. And suddenly it is all about how unreasonable I am. How nanny is great. How I got what I wanted but I am never satisfied.

@CrossUniStudent

How big is your hallway that you didn't see her whilst dancing up and down it half naked?

Her bedroom is by the hallway. I Obviously dont search the room so assumed if door was closed, she was out. I sincerely thought she was running late. So when she appeared, I did get a little surprised especially after she told me she had been home for an hour.

@RandomMess. I never thought of this. Sometimes I ask her for help re putting baby down but I am always guilt stricken. She owes us (where we stand now) three months salary. On top of that, I have given bonuses and certain times when she comes out with me, she will look at something she thinks is pretty and I end up buying it for her as she is forever talking about how hard her life is. That and I truly want to make whoever is looking after my child happy. But I see now that this isn't sustainable. At least in this way.