Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

First and foremost, you have a DH problem. What on earth does he do for a living that keeps him away from his family all of the time and is so important that he doesn't get time off?! Is this a short term thing or for the foreseeable and beyond? If he was around more, you'd feel better and his attitude to you is disgusting. That needs sorting.
With regards to the nanny, it just seems like you aren't a good fit together but I do think the boundaries are a little blurred.
She's live-in during the week but then you didn't want her around on your day off? Is she live-in or not?! Does she even have a place of her own?
Also, out of interest, how old is she? I initially pictured a young person with the grumpiness etc but then you said she has grownup children, so I'm now thinking middle-aged???

Always follow your instinct

In the US it is generally very easy to fire a nanny or other caregiver since it is considered “at will” employment. Unless there are some specific local regulations where you live, all you usually need to do in most states is provide written notice of termination of employment and ensure that the nanny receives her final paycheck on time.

Also it seems odd that you are not receiving a salary for your own work. Are you not being paid at all? Do you have a contract?

@AryaStarkWolf

So you gave her the day off and told her to stay out of the house for the day? I don't think you should be telling her she can't be in the house on her days off if that's where she lives. Sorry for sticking to that point obviously if it's not working out then just let her go, I just thought that particular part of the story is odd and unfair to her

So she is live in during week. I have her Friday off as I didn't have that day off. We seemed really happy and stated she would make plans. I didn't insist she leave the home. However since she said she was going to stay with a friend, all I asked is she return home at x hours to babysit. By x hour she wasn't home so I assumed she was running late. I was also under impression she would at least let me know if she got in. Our contract states she is live in during workweek and live out at weekend. We pay her accordingly to. However she started to stay in our home during the weekend too but hiding or rather not announcing she is there. Again, I never made a big deal of this as figure maybe she prefers staying with us but come on, is it so arduous to let someone know you are home?

Argh so many typos as up with baby and typing in dark. I meant to say I gave her Friday off. She seemed very happy with it and all I said was to come home by x hour. She wasn't back by x hour so I assumed she was running late. However she had been in the house for am hour and simply said nothing.

Life's too short. Get rid, say it's not a good fit, give notice and find another.

Op, your instincts are warning you for a reason. Do not bury them. This nanny is manipulating you, she knows you are vulnerable. She repays your kindness by asking you for large loans, being moody and manipulative, making you doubt yourself, telling you your breast milk is "weak"(?), pressures you to buy her gifts when she is out with you, guilt trips you about her family, asks for more money via advances... Is that not enough? It is Hand that Rocks the Cradles vibes, and yes maybe overly dramatic but it gives me an uncomfortable feeling just reading your posts. And certainly not about you op.

You are lonely and unsupported. Instead of focussing on your work, you are focussing upon a woman who manipulates you and financially abuses you. You must let her go. Your husband excuses his lack of support and absence by telling you he has got you a nanny, so what is the problem? What is the worst that can happen. Let her go asap. I wish you luck.

I used to be a live-in nanny.. Please sack her.for her own good! . I lived with some lovely family's who most who I still am in touch with but 1 family the wife/mother never liked me it caused me to nearly have a breakdown! Nothing I ever did was right! We just did not click!

You could have her out of the house tomorrow as she’s already received the next three months pay. Surely you just say you don’t want her to work out her notice period.

Thank you. I was trying to breastfeed my baby but she kept telling me my milk was weak. The huge loan came from her stating a famjly emergency. Since I had already advanced her salary several times, I told my husband I didn't think it was right for us to also give her a loan but he said it wasn't an issue. Also, he believes as a result of hiring her, I have 'everything' and cannot complain anymore.
I am desperately alone. I am married to someone who appears wonderful at face value but is simply non-existant in my life and holds my PND against me. He wasn't there to support me. I did it all on my own but yet I am the 'unstable' one. I told him just now, if he could watch the baby for a few hours so I could just have time to recoup as I am exhausted from the week. He went on to state he loves our baby but his job pays the bills and while he understands my job means a lot to me, it isn't as vital as his. He then asked why I don't call nanny x and have her sit baby. I didnt know what to say but that I'm not comfortable with this woman. And he went on to tell me how dramatic I am and I am living the dream and should be grateful.
I'm sorry if I sound all over the place but I am so lonely and so desperate to make something of myself. For me and for my baby. Due to my depression, I don't trust myself and worry I am being a horrible employer etc

@ElsieMc the post above is addressed to you. I am still new to mumsnet and don't know how to respond to someone haha. I also wanted to thank you for how kind your words are. Also several other posters have been so kind. I'm dreadfully alone and I need to escape this universe I am in. But I miss my husband and the illusion of who I thought he was. Maybe that makes me pathetic but it is what I feel. I know he isn't a bad person, I know he loves me and our child but he places work above everything. He will tell me I am being dramatic as we have a nanny he paid a lot for so I should be grateful. He won't sit and talk to me re my concerns.

How about not having a nanny in the first place?

@AdifferentGoat

Thank you all for advice. I am going to first talk to her next week and ask if there is something we can do to help her be happier when it comes to her work. Again, the easiest option for many would be to fire but my situation is such that if I don't have full time help, I cannot keep this job (I am also on probation). Not keeping this job means I am back on the market and who knows when I as a European can get a job in the US. If anyone has further questions re why I keep referring to ghosts and dark energy feel free to ask. Plenty of stories to share 😂

Please share some spooky stories. And with regards to the nanny, if she is giving you negative vibes, get rid!

Our live in situation is a bit unusual in that she 'lives' with us during the work week but weekends she stays elsewhere and is off the clock unless there is babysitting requirements but we pay her as if she is working for us month

Where does she live for 2 days a week? That’s a weird arrangement.

@Kleptaklunky

How about not having a nanny in the first place?

And substituting what other form of FT childcare on no notice?

You are doubting yourself again.

@Kleptaklunky

How about not having a nanny in the first place?

Ooh are you offering to do her childcare?

He thinks you should be grateful because you're living the dream???

Whose dream? It wouldn't be mine!

Get a normal nanny!! No matter how much your baby likes her, your baby also deserves to be looked after someone who is not a weirdo.

I agree with @Skysblue I wouldn’t let someone who behaved like this spend any amount of time with my children.

@Grellbunt

You are doubting yourself again.

I agree with @Grellbunt; STOP IT!

You are doing a brilliant job, stop questioning yourself. Hundreds of us have confirmed that your Nanny IBU and you aren't, but you are going to drive yourself mad if you keep going round in circles and blaming yourself!

You decided yesterday that you were going to start 'managing' your Nanny properly, giving her objectives and the opportunity to improve, but if she hasn't by the time you are confirmed in post at the end of probation, then you will be in a position (both legally and morally) to let her go. Once you have the security of knowing your role is permanent, you can focus on recruiting a replacement. Until then, you know that your child is being well cared for and knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel should give you the peace of mind to cope with the discomfort having her living in your home is causing you.

You need to free up the headspace that this issue is taking up. You have made a decision, have a solid plan in place, have been reassured that your behaviour is not unreasonable so do not need to keep going over the same cyclical notions. Having been through some really tough PND myself, I recognise the self sabotaging, "I'm not good enough" anxiety that is fuelling your thought process.

You're doing great, focus on passing your probationary period first, then deal with replacing the Nanny. Once those two issues are resolved, you will be in a much better headspace (and financial position) to think objectively about what you want to do about your marriage. You've got this!

I think this nanny is deliberately doing her best to undermine you and make you feel unsettled, precisely so that you don't trust your own judgement and don't fire her.
She is keeping you on your toes in your own house by sneaking about the place. She is taking financial advantage of your kind nature.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman who has been through a tough few years, and the lack of support from your husband is making everything a thousand times worse.

You are doing your best to get to a better place.

Keep strong boundaries with this woman. Don't let her push you about. Is it too much to get a new internal bolt on the front door so that she can't sneak in at the weekends?!

I agree to the weekly meetings with targets and areas for improvement, and then you can hopefully manage her out & get a lovely new nanny who makes YOUR life easier.

I also think you should get a counsellor - they will have your best interests at heart, and help you to see the situation more clearly. Just make sure the nanny is not in the house if you have Zoom counselling!

@tiggy20

Oh I really wouldn't go with that theory. First of all it'll make the OP feel paranoid and secondly there is no evidence of your assertion.

If you look at it from the nanny's pov she's got her boss breathing down her throat all day and it's also her home but not her home. Awful situation.

I do however totally support the OP firing the nanny because it's not working for her!

Hi all,
Read the posts and will be responding but just wanted to update. I have decided I am firing her. Currently figuring out legality and how to go about it. Haven't told my husband yet as I need to find someone new before I do. I am ready to forget about the loan etc and honestly just want this woman out of my home. To answer a few questions, I haven't been breathing down her neck. I told her I trust her professionalism and if anything I try and leave the house most mornings unless I have a zoom call. After reading all the posts, I see things a little more clearly. It is her that constantly wants to be around. Let me give some examples. I told her that once I was done work I would like to take care of my child and she can focus on her chores /rest etc. But each time I feed my child, she is in the background washing dishes?? No one asked her to wash dishes 100000 times a day. And weirdly it always coincides when I am feeding my child. Other examples. My baby was being fussy the other (she is teething) and pointing at the tv a lot. Nanny x went on to tell me that my friend who had visited us for lunch the other day exposed her to tv. I said oh ok. I guess it's not a big deal. Then re her loan, I had said we need to ensure we we finish it up but she went to my husband and asked if 'this month only' she didn't have anything taken from her salary while simultaneously asking me for an advance?? She stated some family emergency so I felt bad for her but turns out there is no family emergency. She wanted the money for a concert!!
Truly I feel like a weight as been lifted of my head. Yes she is still here but I am going to try and find someone else and line them up before dismissing this lady. Till that time, I will try and give reviews. My husband is useless. All he is focused on is the 'good life' he has 'given me' but there is NO room to discuss anything as I am 'unstable' and need to tone down the drama.
I want out of this life. I want and deserve respect and yes maybe I am unstable but I didnt get myself here on my own and he is refusing to take any responsibility.