To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

His diet was shot to shit but the sweeter his tea was the thirstier he seemed to be, i genuinely thought he'd notice how awful it must taste but nope, he must have gone through 6 cups in one 8 hour period for a good 18 months. His pallor was shocking.

I'm not an amateur btw, I didn't instantly go from 1 sugar to 3, it took time.

I have several but they're not very lighthearted, and I think they would ruin the spirit of the thread.

@cpjoli - I hope you have the peace in life that you deserve

When I was a teen, a man in the village took a dislike to us for some reason. He was the local policeman. We had an allotment. Every time we planted sweet corn, beans or onions he would pull them before they grew. One day I took my brother's pellet gun out of the rifle cabinet and shot him up the arse when he was leaning over his car door. I never shot his colleague though.

When I was about 16, my best friend was dating a seriously cool, beautiful, in-year-above-us guy. One night when we were home alone, we had a house party, she gave him a bj, outside, down the lane around the side of the house. She knelt in dog shit. Her new guess jeans were ruined. She didn’t tell him obviously. We told her mum she fell over a pothole in the lane. Her mum complained to the council. Oh lord. We still piss ourselves about it now. Very occasionally now her mum talks about the ‘state of the lane’ and we nearly die trying to hold it together.

@Thatsplentyjack

I have several but they're not very lighthearted, and I think they would ruin the spirit of the thread.

You and me both.

Christ most of these are beige compared to one or two things I have done whilst drunk. I can’t even say them to myself they are that cringe. (No one got hurt which is the main thing).

This happened just the other week.

The post came. One letter was our next door neighbours and had accidentally been delivered to us. Letter from the NHS. No matter I put it on the table to deliver it to them later.

Quick as a flash. My 3 year old grabbed the letter and opened it. It's a vaccine passport.

I'm really annoyed at her and now dont know what to do. I tear up the letter into tiny pieces and chuck it in the bin. Hope they ordered a new one.

I was once at work when I was 16 and had a horrible stomach ache, I had farted so much the entire shop stunk and my boss commented. I made up a full story about this really scruffy drunk man coming in and how I thought he had done a poo in his pants and that was the smell. Then on the way home my stomach got worse and I did what I thought was a fart but was in-fact liquid shit. Luckily nobody was around when I got home so I ran straight upstairs and put my underwear in a dog poo bag, when I came down to bin it I told my mum the dog had an accident in my room and I had cleaned it - he wasn’t allowed upstairs ever again after that. I was devastated because I loved having him upstairs with me.

Why did you tear it up??

I spilt some milk that ran under the fridge at work and didn’t clean it up. A few days later someone was asking us all if we had make up mirrors to check under the fridge as it smelt. The next thing they were looking up new fridges to replace the “leaking fridge”. I felt a bit bad but couldn’t bring myself to say it wasn’t leaking at that stage after not admitting spilling milk earlier.

Working a Summer job on the dispatch line for a catalogue company in the mid 60s the management stupidly told us on the Wednesday that they didn't need us after Friday, two weeks before we expected to stop. When the orders came through there were multiple address labels so we mucked up all the orders, eg a retired Colonel on a Scottish island got a load of kinky ladies' undergarments, they must have spent months sorting out the returns.

@skybluee

Why did you tear it up??

To get rid of the evidence. I couldn't bring myself to give it once it had been opened. Thought they wouldn't believe that the kid had opened it, and instead I had snooped on their their private NHS letter.

In hindsight should have just explained but too late now.

I was about 12 and needed/wanted a bra but was too embarrassed to ask my mum. Instead, I nicked a couple of bras from the changing room at the sports centre.

I told DH that one but my mum still doesn't know.

@Marcee

This happened just the other week.

The post came. One letter was our next door neighbours and had accidentally been delivered to us. Letter from the NHS. No matter I put it on the table to deliver it to them later.

Quick as a flash. My 3 year old grabbed the letter and opened it. It's a vaccine passport.

I'm really annoyed at her and now dont know what to do. I tear up the letter into tiny pieces and chuck it in the bin. Hope they ordered a new one.

That’s really shit of you. Why didn’t you just take it round and explain?

Brilliant thread OP

Zeal I can't get 'I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy' out of my head.

I thank you on behalf of any women your ex may come across. Whatever he did must have been awful to drive you to that.

@PTW1234

Also, I once stole a bottle of pop from Greggs. By accident.

I am also a vampire

🤣 I thought vampires only drank blood? 🙈

As a teenager, I had a really lovely kitten and also a very controlling older sister. She took my kitten, renamed it and kept it locked in her bedroom with her at night.

My mother was also rather pretentious and would set up a breakfast buffet in the dining room each week, from which we could help ourselves. This always featured homemade yogurts, a selection of conserves and a large serving dish of muesli which stayed in situ all week.

One morning, after she had been particularly horrid to me, I was sat eating my breakfast when the kitten waltzed in, jumped aloft the sideboard and had a good scratch around in the serving platter before relieving itself. And, just as I was about to pick up the dish and chuck it out, my sister flounced in and helped herself in to a nice big bowl of muesli. And I sat there and watched her eat it without saying a thing. And I have no intention of ever telling her because, every time that she has been awful to me over the years, I still feel as though I have the upper hand.

I had a manager who was really nasty to me, but always when no one was in earshot so she got away with it. One day I overheard her giving her password on the phone to our IT support person. That evening I worked late, logged into her computer and deleted some really important documents. She got into so much trouble for losing them and that still amuses me

I've got another one.

When my youngest was toilet training we were out shopping with her and 2 of her siblings ,so 5 of us altogether.
We went to B & Q and ahem, she went to the bathroom bit ,lifted the lid on a display toilet and before we could stop her was sitting there peeing. Well we all stood round to shield her and then quietly walked off.

A year later - you've guessed it,we were there and the same display was still out. Yep, I lifted the lid and right at the bottom was a little yellow puddle !!

I cheated on my GCSE physics exam. I wrote some formulas on my palm in biro because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't remember them. I passed with a good grade.

@DeedledeDee I remember my young cousin doing that in B&Q. My aunt was mortified and I couldn’t stop laughing.
My other cousin took his small dog to the vet. The dog was sat in his arms, backside overhanging the gaping jacket pocket of the man next to them. Yes, the dog did a poo in the man’s jacket and the man didn’t even notice. So my cousin said nothing! I often think about that poor bloke with the shitty pocket!

The school bully picked on my friend so bad she left school to join another. This was when we were 12/13. Anyway, one day after P.e in winter I put all her belongings and school uniform in the shower, wet through, she had no clothes to wear after P.e and was freezing all day. She got her just desserts and me and my friend are still friends 20 yrs later, and she has no idea it was me.