To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

Just thought of another. In my first full time job age 17, the assistant manager was a complete bitch. She bullied me quite badly and used to humiliate me in front of the rest of the office. One day, she sent me to make her a cup of tea after she'd embarrassed me for the umpteenth time that week. I had a horrific head cold and cough, one of the worst ones I've ever had. So I hacked up a load of green phlegm, spat it in her tea and stirred it in really well. I also licked all around the rim of the mug. When I gave her the tea, she took a swig and said "oooh that's a good cuppa, at least you can do something right!" Any trace of guilt I felt immediately disappeared with that comment.

@Marcee

This happened just the other week.

The post came. One letter was our next door neighbours and had accidentally been delivered to us. Letter from the NHS. No matter I put it on the table to deliver it to them later.

Quick as a flash. My 3 year old grabbed the letter and opened it. It's a vaccine passport.

I'm really annoyed at her and now dont know what to do. I tear up the letter into tiny pieces and chuck it in the bin. Hope they ordered a new one.

This was really shitty of you. You could have very easily explained to them. Thank Christ you're not my neighbour.

@Lupinhere37

That really made me laugh! 😂

@RicherThanYew

My old boss is a massive wanker who says 1 thing to your face and another behind your back, especially about weight. He went on a diet because he was worried about being fatter ... He took tea with 1 sugar and skimmed milk so I started putting 3 sugars in his tea and double cream. Over two years he gained 6 stone and several chins. His partner left him.

As if he wouldn’t notice the difference. Also unlikely to gain 6 stone from cups of tea 🙄

The worst, meanest teacher I ever had now lives next door to my Grandfather in his nursing home. I think he has Dementia and Parkinson's but I don't feel sorry for him a jot.

He was one of those teachers from the 80s who just seemed to fucking detest children. Lived to terrify them and shred their confidence. Fuck em.

@WildImaginings
Considering it is a thread about secrets you are taking to the grave, I'm sure it is obvious @Marcee is clearly not proud of her actions people on their high horses, always acting like they've never done anything they're not proud of.

I have a few...

1. I slept with my best friends ex.. They had been split up several years but I dare not tell her ever..

2. leaving my very abusive ex. I hid a packet of frozen prawns in his wardrobe. I also crushed up dulcolax and sprinkled it in his spaghetti Bolognese once. The sheer joy hearing the world fall out of his backside..

@Marcee

This happened just the other week.

The post came. One letter was our next door neighbours and had accidentally been delivered to us. Letter from the NHS. No matter I put it on the table to deliver it to them later.

Quick as a flash. My 3 year old grabbed the letter and opened it. It's a vaccine passport.

I'm really annoyed at her and now dont know what to do. I tear up the letter into tiny pieces and chuck it in the bin. Hope they ordered a new one.

Yeah this isn't a great one tbh. I'm sure she would've understood if you told her what happened. No need to have discarded it.

@PetuniaButterworth

I put the screw in the tuna

You are fantastic

Not telling mine as I had a nightmare last night where MN linked up all of my 200 usernames and my bastard evil family members could see how I’ve complained about them as I would be sooooo identifiable

@Marcee, years ago my Dad pissed me off and I posted all his letters straight through the grid of a drain for about a week. He knows I did that now but I didn't tell him for about ten years. One of the letters was really important and at the time, I couldn't have cared less if it contained a million pounds, it was going in the drain.

Don't beat yourself up about your panic over your kid opening next doors private letter. They'll get another vaccine passport- many a thing is lost in the post. And many a person has done something stupid in a moment of panic. Someone I know burnt their mouth and throat badly trying to down a scalding cuppa rather than admit they'd taken a tea break instead of going and looking out some old files when they heard the click clack of their bosses heels approaching the room.

I've slept with my brother in law.

In the early days of casually dating DH, I was also sleeping with another man. After a while, things got serious with DH so I ended it with the other man.

About 6 months later, DH's sister wants us all to meet her new boyfriend - it's the man I was sleeping with when I met DH! Didn't want to tell DH that I had been sleeping with someone when I first met him, nor did I want DH's sister to dislike me, so I stayed schtum and so did BIL. I'm godmother to their child now and everything, no one is any the wiser!

@BedTed

Not telling mine as I had a nightmare last night where MN linked up all of my 200 usernames and my bastard evil family members could see how I’ve complained about them as I would be sooooo identifiable

The horror!!

[quote Noseyme1]@WildImaginings
Considering it is a thread about secrets you are taking to the grave, I'm sure it is obvious @Marcee is clearly not proud of her actions people on their high horses, always acting like they've never done anything they're not proud of.[/quote]
I'm not the only person who has commented on this being a shitty thing to do.

It happened weeks ago and it was a really crap thing to do. I stand by that.

Hmm, is this a newspaper thread?It sounds very much like many of these stories will pop up in newspapers. I'd be careful what you write here.

Great one @PetuniaButterworth 😆

@Hugoslavia it happened about 30 years ago and is still a huge joke in the family. We’re a horrible lot!

I knew I was pregnant with DS1 a week before I did a test with DH knowing. Can't believe I kept it to myself but I was worried something bad would happen so wanted to wait a while. It was a nice little secret to gave. DH still doesn't know that I already knew!

@AuntMargo

I am one of those you nicks other staff members milk from work fridge, no matter how many emails get sent out I still do it !!

You’re the reason I take my milk to work in a beaker marked ‘Breast Milk’.

I reported a family member to HMRC and eventually they got fined £60k

I stole snooker balls from the church youth club !!! I was weird . The pastor came to my parents house to get them back I was so embarrassed also on a Sunday morning I would sit outside my parents bedroom door when it was locked and listen to the noises wow yes I was odd but no longer steal balls or listen to people getting friendly

I aborted a married mans baby.

@Marcee I imagine it was a moment of wild panic. It sounds like you were afraid of getting into trouble and reverted to a more child-like state! Probably the next time something happens, you'll be able to take a deep breath and look at it logically. And be prepared to for someone to be a bit angry, without becoming terrified.

In around 1996-1998 I stole from the work kitchen fridge my bitch supervisor's Creme Egg and ate it. Said supervisor went to the fridge a few hours later and I watched from my desk as she went all red faced and teary to the manager's office.

An office wide memo was then sent out about the 'Eggsordinary Incident' and for the culprit to please own up or to speak up if you knew who stole the egg.

So if your name is Joanne and you were a Switchboard/Call Centre supervisor in the mid-late 90s in a large company in the South East, it was me who stole your Creme Egg

@Zeal

When I was a teen, a man in the village took a dislike to us for some reason. He was the local policeman. We had an allotment. Every time we planted sweet corn, beans or onions he would pull them before they grew. One day I took my brother's pellet gun out of the rifle cabinet and shot him up the arse when he was leaning over his car door. I never shot his colleague though.

Do you swear it was in self defence?