To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

I don't think I have any funny stories no one knows about, everyone knows them all

@ForeverQuery I think you are my best mate. 40 + years on we are still great friends, I am still blind as a bat with bloody reading glasses as well, while she still has 20/20 vision. I KNEW those glasses of hers were fake!!

I don’t know how to name change in a comment. Prepare yourself:

I must’ve been about 13. I don’t remember at all how I knew this guy but he must’ve been late 20s.
We were talking and somehow a bet came along where he said I couldn’t possibly bite him hard enough that it would actually hurt. We met up some day (I took a friend with me) and I bit him so hard and long in his arm that it looked like he would have a permanent scar there his whole life.
Got a pack of fags for winning that bet 🎉

(Thinking about this now it seems absolutely lunatic and he must’ve been some peado)

Also, I once stole a bottle of pop from Greggs. By accident.

I am also a vampire

When I was about 8 my form teacher retired and we were all asked (told) to produce a poem to go in a book for her. I didn't like her and didn't want to do it. My mum really lost her temper with me and sent me upstairs to produce a masterpiece. I copied a poem out of a book and passed it off as my own. My foolish mum believed me and even suggested improvements. Why she thought her 8 y.o. DD would have (in the space of 30 mins) produced a poem about a Victorian washerwoman in homage to a teacher she hated is beyond me.

My late DH always used to say how amazing my lasagne tasted. I never had the heart to tell him that it was the marmite I put into the meat sauce that gave it that flavour, he had a pathological hatred of it but I snuck it into loads of things without his knowledge!

That reminds me I haven’t put a name tag on ds’ school tie yet ….but maybe it would be wiser not to

Erm yes I did sleep with an ex’s Couson and I still
To this day deny it if asked. My ex seemed very het up about this possibility and over 15 years later still asks if I did or not and I say obviously I’ve got nothing to lose know so no I didn’t. But I did quite a few times actually.

I also have an annon tip off with some evidence about a now in jail pedo who abused many girls. Nobody knows I did it or that he abused me to, also a few people know I knew him. But not that I knew what he had on a certain laptop of myself which also turned out to have evidence of many acts with many young girls.

@VienneseWhirligig haha! Ok I do that with courgettes. Do hates them, if I'm cooking tomato based sauce I will put it finely mashed courgettes. He doesn't know.

My old boss is a massive wanker who says 1 thing to your face and another behind your back, especially about weight. He went on a diet because he was worried about being fatter ... He took tea with 1 sugar and skimmed milk so I started putting 3 sugars in his tea and double cream. Over two years he gained 6 stone and several chins. His partner left him.

I was a teacher.
When OFSTED came, neither my parallel class teacher or I could find the medium term planning file. I looked for it, couldn’t find it, thought she was the last one who had it, so she told the head she’s lost it.
When I cleared out my cupboard that summer - I found it.
I burned it.

I was on a train coming back from visiting a boy. I was wearing a thin skirt and very thin knickers. I unexpectedly started my period on the train. But I didn't realise until too late, just before I got off, that my skirt was soaked through and so was the seat.

I had to twist my skirt around so the stain was at the front, and put my bag over it. There was blood dripping down my leg as I walked out of the station.

God I will never forget it.

[quote TheWoleb]@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

Oooh. I worked in WH Smiths when I was in high school. We had quite a few people who did that. Really weren't paid enough to deal with it but we watched, silently judged and gossiped about you all when you left. On a few occasions we would tut and tell the next customer what they'd done if that customer asked![/quote]
I saw it as my sweet revenge. The branch was in a hospital and had massively inflated prices due to their captive audience.

When I was a student in Newcastle I had to get the metro in and I had a monthly pass, and every month I would keep using it for a few days after it expired until I’d get caught and do my “oh silly me, I didn’t realise the date” act and because I’ve got quite a posh voice and look quite smart I’d get waved through and pointed in the direction of the ticket office, whereas there’d always be a load of chavs they’d take to one side and fine for doing exactly the same thing. I knew exactly what I was doing 🤣

@RicherThanYew
Love this. A bit of low level office sabotage is always a good way to get back at people.

@RicherThanYew

My old boss is a massive wanker who says 1 thing to your face and another behind your back, especially about weight. He went on a diet because he was worried about being fatter ... He took tea with 1 sugar and skimmed milk so I started putting 3 sugars in his tea and double cream. Over two years he gained 6 stone and several chins. His partner left him.

There's no way extra sugar and cream in his tea caused that much weight gain (and how could he not have noticed the excessive sweetness?). He was overeating anyway.

I was going to share but the thought of it making the mail has put me off.

That I was abused as a child and it will take me to an early grave.

I used to babysit for an agency it was Christmas and I ate the Christmas chocolates of the tree. I left the foil hanging there . Still feel guilty the children probably got the blame , I was only going to have one but couldn’t stop.

I had 3 children under 4 and looking back, my head was in a bit of a mess. I was once in a WHSmiths in a town I don’t usually visit and my 2 year old (who was newly toilet trained) weed on the carpet. I couldn’t face confessing so i scuttled them all out of the shop telling myself they’d never see me again anyway. I now work in that town and feel guilty every time I walk past the WHSmith. 2 year old is now 15 (and fully toilet trained)

Dated a guy my friend has went on a few dates with a year or two prior. They hadn’t “done anything” together when dating. Me and the guy were both single but friend had forbade me from dating him. Sent me a huge message about how I shouldn’t, lots of guilt trips etc.

But I’m my own person so I dated him anyway. We kept it a secret for months but then it got to a point where it either needed to end or progress to a relationship. I decided to end it because as much as we liked each other, it wasn’t going to be worth the fall out. We bumped into each other a few months later and are on good terms, although I’m sure he was quite hurt that I ended things quite abruptly.

And to rub salt into my wound when I was out with friend a few months later, said guy was in the bar. She started telling me how she was going to go over to him and flirt. She knew I had liked him but told me not to date him. But it was ok for her.

So, yeah, I don’t really regret it. I’ll never say because it was years ago, we were both single and it’s none of her business, really. I do have a suspicion she knows but I’ll never confirm it.

@RiverSkater

That is a great story! 😆

But it's hardly taking things to the grave if it's told on MN!

@susannahmoody I am howling that's really funny 😂😂

Slept with a friends ex boyfriend when I was about 17. She then asked me if I had and I denied it. He was rubbish lol.

@annacondom

OP, didn't your mum wonder what happened to your school tie? She must've you'd lost it?

That's what school lost property boxes are for, we used to have dozens of ties!