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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD/AIBU - Pulling the on Grandparents childcare

310 replies

WalkingDead02 · 16/09/2021 07:21

Hi all, I am after a bit of advice as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.

Currently DH and I work full time, we have a 2 year old DS who is looked after by in laws for 3 days a week and my parents for 1. He goes to nursery for the other day. We love about 45 mins - 1hr away from my parents, so DS goes there on a Sunday night ready for Monday.

My parents are forever moaning that they have no time to themselves, to make friends or take up hobbies as all the do is look after grandkids. We currently take him there at around 2pm on a Sunday, I have a catch up with them before leaving ar around 3pm. They are now asking that he be taken there for between 4pm/5pm on a Sunday night as the afternoon and then the following day is too much for them. Both DH and I are getting fed up with them moaning and forever changing what they want. Now he wont be getting there until late on a Sunday and I wont be getting home until late either, which doesn't seem fair.

We are considering pulling the plug and just putting him into nursery on a monday, to save hassle all round.

My question is, WWYD and AIBU?

OP posts:
Onesipmore · 16/09/2021 09:08

CF expecting your parents to look after your child from 2pm on a Sunday.So you can relax, whilst they have specifically told you they would like some extra time to themselves and they are doing you a favour?! Either drop at 5 and home for 6 and possibly sound a shade grateful and less bratty, or use the nursery and pay.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/09/2021 09:09

Not convinced this is real!

Obviously yanbu to put him in nursery instead - paid childcare is often the simplest all around. Then grandparents can be grandparents not unpaid childminders.

They are doing you a huge favour having him overnight as well as Monday. They aren’t “moaning”, which suggests some obligation to do it, they are expressing what they can and can’t do. 4-5 is pretty early anyway and still cuts into the day. I agree with a pp who says take him later in PJs all ready for bed to make their lives easier if you carry on.

00100001 · 16/09/2021 09:10

@pommedeterre

Nursery. Free childcare is a minefield.
Only when people like the OP take the fucking piss.
StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/09/2021 09:13

@Hardbackwriter

Also - and I promise this isn't an attack on full-time working parents, I worked full-time when my eldest was a baby and toddler - if you work all week don't you and your partner want a full weekend with your child?
This, when do you both actually get any time with him apart from putting him to bed?
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/09/2021 09:15

I can see both sides on this one. Nobody's being unreasonable, although 'fed up with their moaning' seems a churlish response when they are the ones doing you the favour.

In these circumstances nursery would be best all round.

Gothichouse40 · 16/09/2021 09:16

On the very odd occasion that my grandchild is with me overnight, sometimes, unless it's a school holiday, they are dropped off complete in pyjamas and ready for bed. Would this be a solution? Ive got to be honest, I would find an overnight once a week a lot myself. It is in effect two days. Many young couples forget the age their own parents are. I was shattered when my grandchild was a toddler but I loved having them. Sorry, but I think your parents and in-laws need a wee bit more appreciation. Do you ever take them out for a meal/coffee, or take around a wee box of biscuits/sweets and say thank you?All these things mean the world to grandparents that help out, especially if they offer that help for free. I don't know your full circumstances, Im just trying to offer some advice. You need to ask them if they really want to do this. If it's not working out and the grandparents are struggling, you need to make alternative arrangements. I do hope it all works out.

Abouttimemum · 16/09/2021 09:17

This has got to be a joke!!!

ElBandito · 16/09/2021 09:18

Like others I suspect the OP is in a catch 22 situation and if she does put her child in nursery her parents won't be happy with that either.

FawnFrenchieMum · 16/09/2021 09:20

YABVU! Either change so you have dinner at home, arrive for 6ish either with your child ready for bed or you do at their house whilst having a catch up, put him to be and be home for 8ish (not exactly midnight is it?!) or put him in Nursery. This way you get a full weekend with your child and the GP are only doing one day of care not two plus they have all day Sunday free.

silverbubbles · 16/09/2021 09:20

You take him at 2pm on a sunday in prep for monday childcare?!! Are you for real? Do you not want to spend any of your time with your child on the weekend?

I think you sound unreasonable and entitled. Pay for a nursery and you will soon realise what a twit you are being.

CoronaPeroni · 16/09/2021 09:20

You sound like very odd parents. Do you need time off from your child because you have a lazy-arse dp? That's the only reason I can think of why you'd crave Sunday evening off. If I've read correctly, dp doesn't see his child from 1pm until possibly 7pm the next day so even longer than you! Weird.

Yaya26 · 16/09/2021 09:20

Wow you are being VU!

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 09:20

I would have thought one night and a day would be fairly easy for your parents to look after your son. However, as they are moaning, put him in nursery for the one day; if they ask why, which I think they will, tell them! It's their right to refuse, they are doing you a favour, but personally I think they are mean. Never mind, be independent.

CarryOnNurse20 · 16/09/2021 09:20

Good grief the entitlement is painful.
As someone who pays for every minute of childcare needed you have no idea how lucky and privileged you are for ANY family childcare. The second it gets too much (and be grateful they are honest with you) put them in nursery. I'm amazed your ILs take him 3 days a week as well. You are incredibly lucky.

Mary46 · 16/09/2021 09:21

I think get childcare locally for your child. You quite lucky op we never had any help at all. It is probably alot on them. Im 48 but I see my nieces energy at 3 its alot!

Gazelda · 16/09/2021 09:21

If your Parents are cutting their hours, then I presume they're cutting their fee too?

Or am I misunderstanding the arrangement?

KnobJockey · 16/09/2021 09:22

Yes, YABU. I used to need childcare for early morning, so she stayed over. I would take her over after a bath and in PJ's, about 30 mins before bedtime- just enough time for a cuddle, toast and milk.

It might not be great for you, but that extra time means that your parents arent able to make full day plans for a Sunday, so is limiting their weekend.

MrsR87 · 16/09/2021 09:23

I’m not sure this is real but for what it’s worth here’s my opinion, although it may well be heavily influenced by the fact that my mother In law lives
the other side of the country and my mum is too poorly with cancer and adjusting to daily chemo to be able to help with the childcare of our ten month old when I return to work full time next month (despite her really wishing she could bless her).

To be honest, even if both mums were nearby and fit and able I would never dream of asking them to do more than one day each per week and at the first sign of them feeling like it influenced their life too much, we’d stop! I wouldn’t expect them to just do it!

I think you are incredibly unreasonable to be moaning about this, they have been doing you a favour and saving you a lot of money. As someone who is currently crying most days about the thought of leaving little one, I also find it so sad that you only spend one full day a week with yours, I know I’ll be wanting to treasure each moment at the weekend.
If I were you I’d put him in nursery and spend the weekend visiting grandparents to make special memories!

HarrisonStickle · 16/09/2021 09:24

He doesn't go there on a Sunday night though, does he? You drop him off in the middle of Sunday afternoon. Which means they can't really do anything that day. So they're in essence there for him two days a week.

You're fed up with them? I imagine they're fed up with you just as much. Put him in nursery, and leave your parents to live their own lives.

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 16/09/2021 09:27

Yes put him in nursery. My parents (but i may as well just say mum) looked after my son the 3 days a week i worked though he did 1 full day and 2 half days at nursery, and now we've had a long lockdown i realise how hard she found it not having her time for herself and the freedom to make random plans. (Although i think she felt obliged to do it and would never have said no)

I have decided to relieve her of all childcare...she's gone from looking after her own kids, to aged parents and then to grandkids....so i totally understand why grandparents say no to it.

nettie434 · 16/09/2021 09:29

@EatYourVegetables

Put in nursery. Clearly they don’t want to do this.

Just to add that I find grandparents who moan about having their grandkid over for 1.5 days “too much” and saying they “don’t get any time for themselves and their hobbies” really sad. What fucking hobbies take more than 5.5 days are more important than a relationship with grandkids? But I’ll get flamed for that view on MN.

It's not clear from the OP's post but she uses the word 'grandkids', which as other posters say, implies they look after other grandchildren on other days of the week. That might explain why her in laws provide child care for 3 days a week. Sunday afternoon/overnight/Monday is quite full on too, especially as 'time for hobbies' implies both of the poster's parents are over retirement age.
MiloAndEddie · 16/09/2021 09:29

Blimey OP they are doing you a favour, not the other way round! You’re in CF territory here.

Take your DC later or sort actual paid childcare.

I also think, when you’re living it you actually forget how draining it is for grandparents to look after small children. It’s bloody tiring. Especially if they don’t sleep all night, or don’t go to bed easily or get up at the crack of dawn.

Yaya26 · 16/09/2021 09:29

You sound so spoilt. You basically have other people providing childcare 5 days (4 days very kindly provided by family) and you're looking your parents to provide a sixth day. I'm assuming your child still naps too and sits in a car seat for the hour journey so you've really very little time with him on Sunday. Why did you bother having him if looking after him is such a hassle? If I'm working and kids are in childcare/school I grab every second I can at weekend. Obviously it's nice to have some time on my own occasionally to get my head showered but that's usually late evening when kids are in bed and DH is home. I don't expect other people to be delighted to provide me with childcare. They're not their kids they don't have any obligation to help.

HaveringWavering · 16/09/2021 09:30

They say they are spending go all their time looking after “grandkids”. You only have one- are they doing this for a sibling too?

I’m surprised any nursery is willing to take him for only one day anyway- most prefer at least a couple of days a week so that the child is more settled. You’d be doing the child a favour by building up a better nursery routine, and the benefit of socialisation and activities within the Early Years Framework are huge, much better than 100% family care in my view.

middlingmess · 16/09/2021 09:33

Having worked in a nursery your child would be happier going there 2 days a week.
You DP will be happier not being tied down Sunday's and Mondays.
You will be happier because DC & DP will be happier (plus it frees up your Sunday's and reduces a lot of driving) what's not to like?🤷🏻‍♀️