fed up of sons girlfriend

[NoIdeaWhatItMeans]

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

we wouldnt be sitting down with her for homeschooling as she handles it herself

Aye.......of course she will......🙄

You're an adult, she's a child- assert yourself for goodness sake!

You move our if she comes. You are allowed to say no.

I think the problem is that most people would be able to discuss this with their partner and make a joint decision. I know that if I said no to this, my h and dc would listen. Dc might not agree but they wouldn't get a say, because they are dc and don't own the house.

The fact that you can't do this is worrying. And not owning the house shouldn't make a difference.

Have you talked to your h about this? What would happen if you just said no, you don't want her to move in, you don't want another dc in the house? What happens when you call her out on being rude to you?

Well the whole thing is hugely dysfunctional (her parents are ok with their 15 year old daughter moving in with her long distance boyfriend?) but if your partner owns the house and you can't enforce your own rules or boundaries, then I guess all you can do is move out, or at the very least refuse to do any housework or cooking for the unwanted lodger, as I'm sure she would expect. I'd support you in that but obviously there'll be tension.

Not sure my relationship would survive if my partner prioritised the teenage girlfriend like this. I don't see how this situation is sustainable.

He’s your son and presumably DP’s step son so ultimately you should get to make the decision. Talk to your partner and tell him you’re not happy for the girlfriend to move in and ask him to support you in saying no. 16 is not an adult in the UK, he is still legally a child until he is 18 so it is reasonable for you to treat him as one.

No many posters are listening to what you are saying. This sounds as though you are in some sort of misogynistic nightmare. Basically you are living in your partners home and it's his home, his rules. He has given co-alpha power to your 16yo son, elevating him above his rightful child place before he is old enough, and you fall 3rd in line in power, with no rights, just a like it or leave position. The "men" of the house have sickeningly decided to move a 15 year old girl into this toxic mess and put her above you. I would be getting as far away from the lot of them as possible. You aren't just being bullied by the girl, you are being downtrodden by the whole rotten lot of them.

Are you and your family religious because this desire to see a school child as a man and the desire to see these two living together by the three out of four genuine adults seems quite odd, all it’s missing is the marriage part.

I think you and your husband should go out for dinner to discuss this calmly as two equal adults. How would he feel if you were going to move someone into the house whom he didn’t want to live there?

Your son needs to be concentrating on finishing his education and going to uni and getting a job so that he can contribute to adult life and not be distracted by a girlfriend living with him. If he so badly wants to be a grown up then he needs to step up and get good grades, get a part time job around college/school/ uni and start saving for a place so when the time is right, they can get a place together. Otherwise you are going to have those two living with you for the foreseeable future plus maybe their kids as well.

The focus should be on getting him and her through their schooling and not jumping into to the married life in their teens without the resources to support themselves.

I've been in a similar situation with younger teens, DSS ex. I never could get over the amount of time she was allowed to spend with us. Being me I parented in my own way which was strict I suppose for her. I enforced no sex before the legal age, no tiny nighties, and homework had to be done. Good food was to be eaten. A lot of pep talks and loads of my time was invested. They broke up and she went massively off the rails. Feel really sad about it now that such a bright child didn't reach any of her potentials. In fact my SEN DD is doing much better than her despite all of her issues. If she's in your house she follows your rules.

I find it more concerning that her parents are happy for their 15 year old daughter to move in with a boyfriend quite bizzare .

You are being a pushover. Say no, kindly but firmly. Don’t have to explain your reasons. Assert your authority. You feel threatened by this girl, so find your line in the sand & defend it.

None of this means you have to be mean or rude. Just assertive.

Morning OP, if i were you I would make a list of pros and cons and sit down and discuss it with your partner first of all. Then both of you, as a united team sit with your son and step daughter to discuss it as a family matter. Then both you and your partner visit the girlfriends parents face to face alone without the children to discuss this situation.

On the list there should be several things and depending on both families situations this list is not exhaustive.

Firstly, as many have said and this should be dealt with as a priority over anything, as the girl is underage your local authority does need to be contacted and involved as it's private fostering. So both sets of parents need to discuss this.
Secondly, the girl needs care such as GP registering, dentist, change of self care such as hairdresser etc. Who is responsible for all this and also taking her for appointments.

You said it makes practical and financial sense for her to move in. From who's point of view? Are her parents providing financial support for her? For travelling locally, clothing? Self care? Toiletries? Heat and power, food, school books? Entertainment, and nights/days out.

Once practical and financials are discussed you need to move on to the emotional dynamics. The girl and your son are still young, what happens if they have issues in their relationship? fall out? want to start seeing other people?
This alone will have a serious impact on your household and how your home will change.

Then you need to move onto the boundaries and specific rules that need to be followed in you and your partners home. The kids are not in charge, you both are. It's easy to let things go for peace and it's so easy for people to say do this do that but you already sound mentally exhausted with her visiting never mind staying.

I would also look at your step daughter as an individual case and how this will affect her as a whole, she needs to be protected.

Without all the facts from you it's sounds like the young ones are all caught up in an exciting proposition that's been made by this girls parents, "oh you might as well be staying there" and it's snowballed. Once the situation has been discussed openly and fully with each party without and with the children I don't think it will look as rosy as it sounds.

Hope this helps a wee bit OP
xx

If it was easy enough to just say no, I wouldn't be posting here.

It is easy.

You are the adult and the parent.

You say no, it's not appropriate.

She's under age anyway if they are having sex. And legally she is a child as is your son.

I'm surprised you even need to ask.

@ANameChangeAgain

No many posters are listening to what you are saying. This sounds as though you are in some sort of misogynistic nightmare. Basically you are living in your partners home and it's his home, his rules. He has given co-alpha power to your 16yo son, elevating him above his rightful child place before he is old enough, and you fall 3rd in line in power, with no rights, just a like it or leave position. The "men" of the house have sickeningly decided to move a 15 year old girl into this toxic mess and put her above you. I would be getting as far away from the lot of them as possible. You aren't just being bullied by the girl, you are being downtrodden by the whole rotten lot of them.

This is a really good point

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Nothing I say will work? They don't listen to me. and I struggle to believe that child protective services would do anything. There are people in far worse situations. I'd rather reserve their time and resources for them. Sounds like a drastic suggestion.

And you’re not listening to anyone on here so what is the point of asking for advice?

Why are you home schooling an adult?
Answer: you are not!
We are in the UK, so he is technically an adult as he is 16. At 16 he is still a minor.
Sure, at 16 young people acquire more rights to do things but he is not technically an adult!
I'm not sure why you are insisting he is.
If your son is such an ' adult'

Why is he not defending you when you are being disrespected?

I'm not sure why kids are ruling the roost!

OP, so you are also expected to homeschool GF?

Not sure if I missed it but do how long have you lived with your boyfriend OP? Is he your son's father?
Are you worried about your boyfriend's positive reaction to your son's girlfriend wearing revealing clothes and that he'll enjoy it?

I've got a 15 year old DS with a long standing GF who I now get on with after a shaky start. I also have a younger DD.

I'll try and help with the bullying thing. What helped me most is to see things from her point of view for a moment.

Remember she is still a child, her adult brain is still developing and she won't be making all the right choices with behaviour and clothes. She needs guidance, which is not your job, but if she's not getting it at home then that's not her fault either.

You seem not to like her and you haven't from the start. Maybe she senses your hostility and is putting up defences. I did this and it was hard to stop it. Again, remember this is a child and potentially a vulnerable one at that, despite the fact she might act like an adult. Deflecting with humour seemed to work best. If she made barbed comments I would.laugh them off and make a joke.

With your situation, the GF's parents appear to have given up on her so she's got too much autonomy and is too immature to properly handle it.
What's the family situation there? Does she have siblings? Why can't DS go there sometimes? DS's GF has 4 younger siblings so often comes to ours for a rest. She's not allowed to stay over though.

Understanding the GF might help you communicate better and develop mutual respect, which will help with the bullying behaviour. You have something in common in DS - try bonding over him. I got out the baby photos once which worked really well!

Having said that, she can't move in. Legally she can't unless you take responsibility for her education and welfare. It's not as simple as her deciding she wants to. Who is the guardian? Who is responsible for her schoolwork? It would fall to you and that's not right. Your DP doesn't appear to have thought this through so perhaps a chat with him is in order.

The clothes thing is normal. Since teenagers were invented they have worn clothes that adults disapproved of. It's part of growing up and finding their own identity. Let her crack on with that and don't worry.

OP, I'm a bit worried for you.
I know you have posted for advice about the situation and I'm going to address that but this is a horrible situation to be in. Like other posters have said the worst part of this is that you don't seem to feel you have any say in your own life. Can you access some help around your self esteem/assertiveness? I've done a couple of free courses online that have made a real difference and didn't take too much time.

Back to the issue in hand:
You can't change the dynamic in your home overnight so you need good arguments to sway the people who are currently calling the shots. Although you've said it's more practical for her to live with you I get the feeling that its DH and DS who are saying this and they haven't thought it through.

Things for DS to think about could be -what are the plans if they split up/fall out? What happens if either one of them fancies someone else? What if he wants to go out with his friends and she doesn't want him to? Does he want to be a dad? If not how will they manage contraception? What about when he's finished school? Where will she go if he goes travelling, uni, job etc? Is he willing to have his horizons narrowed to accommodate an other person? Who pays for things? Is he willing to have less spent on himself because there is an other person to provide for in the home?

DH should be thinking about the effect on his daughter of losing her place as the only girl in the family, what the influence of this other girl may be on his DD, how he would feel if it turns out to be detrimental to his DD. What if his DD and the GF fall out? He needs to consider who pays for things and how this will be managed, will the extra person or money make changes to tax or benefits for your family and how will this affect them? Can he still get up for a pee in the night in his pants or lounge about in his pyjamas with an unrelated underage girl in the house?

She'll need a GP, dentist, etc. I don't know the legal situation for taking an unrelated minor into your home where you live but these people are legally bound to make enquiries as to why she is there. Is your DH prepared to engage with them?
Lastly, if there is any issue around safeguarding, as a fully responsible adult male in the household DH will be regarded as a threat to the GF until her safety can be assured. That might only be for a short time but would he be willing to undergo the process and perhaps being under suspicion?

Best of luck OP.

Mmmm I'd be wondering why her family are so glad to be getting rid of her at 15. Does she not have relationships with her grandparents or aunts/uncles? Could it be that she's burnt all her bridges?

Only saying as I have the same sort of situation with a family member of mine they burnt all their bridges by doing drugs and lying and then tried to move in with their partner and family as the family had enough. Sounds like there's more to the story here!

In the U.K. adulthood is attained at the age of 18. Your son is therefore still a child, and should be patented as such.

If it’s the case that you truly just can’t tell your partner that this isn’t happening, you need to consider whether you can continue to live with someone who cares so little for your feelings and who won’t prioritise you being happy and comfortable in your own home.

If you decide you are going to live with that knowledge, all you can do is accept that the girlfriend is going to move in and you will have to assert your boundaries directly with her.

There’s no magic fix to this. You’re the only person who can do it. You need to start pulling her up every time on her rudeness. You need to say ‘don’t speak to me like that’ / ‘you are being very rude’ / ‘we don’t allow language like that in this house’ etc every single time she does it.

To be honest you need to remind your son he's still a child, refuse to have her to stay so often and send him to college. He's probably desperately lonely and doesn't have opportunity to meet other people his age, he'll have opportunity to meet other girls for instance

*parented not patented

Just adding my voice to the chorus of at 16, your DS is very much not yet an adult, technically or otherwise.

What happens when they break up and the girlfriend is living with you? Because they will break up, and then it'll get messy.