Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
KosherDill · 16/09/2021 06:20

I think you need to leave your "partner" to it and create a household where you are in charge.

2bunny · 16/09/2021 06:33

I feel like I've just read the start of a crime document reading ops comments

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 16/09/2021 06:34

Most mothers I know would not call a 16 year old boy an adult or entertain a 15 year girl rocking up and living with them. Your boundaries are skewed. Perhaps a bit by not being in the school system??? I mean comparing other boys and chatting to their parents?

NotQuiteUsual · 16/09/2021 06:35

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologises if I've missed anything, but at 15 she can't just move in without the LA having involvement. It would count as a private fostering and you can't just go ahead and do thar. There's your reason to say no.

She sounds like she might be a manipulative little thing though and I can totally understand how it's snowballed into this.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 16/09/2021 06:39

You are being told you have to take on a caring role - because I bet you end up doing this girl's laundry, making dinner etc - without your consent for a child you don't even like. Your DP and two children are deciding your life for you. But who is looking out for this child whose parents are happy for her to move in with people they have only ever discussed arrangements with? This is mad.

Harlequin1088 · 16/09/2021 06:40

@MrsSkylerWhite

She’s 15. I’m no expert but I believe at 16 your son could be charged with statutory tape if they are sleeping together (no doubt wiser respondents can advise). If that is the case, you don’t want to be party to that, surely? Just, no.
This!! More than enough reason not to have her sleeping over let alone moving in!!
ThorsLeftNut · 16/09/2021 06:40

If it was me OP I would say to your partner that it needs to be a unanimous decision as you all live there, and that you are against at it.

I agree that you should just say no, but I also get that it’s not as easy as that in realty, sometimes saying know can have the family turn on you rather the agree or support you.

Lulu1919 · 16/09/2021 06:41

It's definitely private fostering
16 is not an adult in the uk

In other things does your partner and son dictate what happens in the home ?

Suzi888 · 16/09/2021 06:44

You need Dp on your side, DP needs to agree she can’t move in. Teenage pregnancy anyone?- That should do it…. it’ll be fun living with a baby or two, right?

You sit both children down together and tell them she can’t move in.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2021 06:49

Oddest thread I’ve seen in a long time, not least because op you didn’t appear to know that he is a child and the age of majority is 18 in the Uk.

brokenbiscuitsx · 16/09/2021 06:50

@AllyBama

Bizarre thread. 16 is not an adult. Technically or otherwise. He is a child. Is he telling you that and you’re believing it?

YOU are the adult. Simple.

Unless we’re missing a massive dripfeed, there’s some cultural element or something…
You literally just say… no son. This is my house, I pay the bills/rent/mortgage and until you’ve got your name on the deed, you don’t get to decide who moves in. If you don’t like it, move out.

I understand that you feel you can’t say no to him because you perhaps haven’t said no very much to him up to this point? But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start now.

Unless we’re missing a massive dripfeed, there’s some cultural element or something…

I think OP is American, she’s referred to the American version of social services and uses “gotten”

This could be why she was confused about when someone is an adult in the U.K. perhaps?

WeeFae · 16/09/2021 07:01

Why is your stepdaughter not allowed the same privacy as your son? How does she get on with the girlfriend? Why isnt she mentioned anywhere? Does she even exist? Does anyone exist??

jeanne16 · 16/09/2021 07:03

On a slightly different point, you imply that your DS is only technically home schooled. At 16 he absolutely should still be in education or training. You are doing him no favours by pretending he is being home schooled.

Mindymomo · 16/09/2021 07:04

My DS had a girlfriend who was 15, and very hard work. She got on well with DH, other DS, but with me it was always a bit of a struggle. I would say leave things as they are with he staying over as she does now. I really don’t know how her parents think this is ok for her to move in. My DS and his girlfriend broke up after 3 stressful yesrs, there’s no way I would have wanted her here all the time.

I hope when you speak to DP that they understand your concerns, but to me I just wouldn’t be happy with this being a permanent arrangement, at this time, taking on someone else’s child is way too big a responsibility.

sue20 · 16/09/2021 07:05

Yes what is this?

sue20 · 16/09/2021 07:06

Meant to attach, what is issue with clothes?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2021 07:07

You and your dp are the parents. I feel quite sorry for your ds, your dsd and his gf. They are children and their parents aren’t stepping up to protect them and put boundaries in place.

It would be a cold day in hell before I allowed a boy or girlfriend to move in at this age. These children need space apart from one another. Teen relationships are very intense and can easily become obsessional or abusive if the parents don’t step in.

This is where the relationship is heading if you and your dp don’t get a handle on it. This is a scary read. It would appear your ds’s gf has had similar poor parenting. Parents, who couldn’t give a fig about her boundaries. Or anyone else’s.

Part 1 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum?pg=1

Part 2 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2?pg=1

Part 3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4245195-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-3?pg=1

starrynight21 · 16/09/2021 07:08

Don't do it. You'll never get rid of her . I know from experience, kids like this worm their way into your house and then you are stuck with them. Parents don't want them back , of course . And you end up looking like the bad guy because everyone else is pandering to "poor kid".

Say no now or you'll be stuck with this for years.

diamondpony80 · 16/09/2021 07:08

How to handle it? Don't let her move in?

They're both just children! He is not your "adult" son. Most kids are still in school at that age. I would never have left a 15 year old even stay over in my home, never mind to say move in. DS17 would never even ask because he knows the boundaries and he knows its inappropriate.

It seems like there are no boundaries in your house if you think he's an adult at 16 and can do what he wants.

Why would you allow another parent's child, that is disrespectful to you and you can't cope with, move in? I suspect the problem is with your partner, if you can't possibly say no (as you say) - why is he not backing you up?

Also what kind of parents would even LET an underage 15 year old move out and move in with her boyfriend (who lives hours away)?

Shirleyphallus · 16/09/2021 07:09

Just say no….

Evesgarden · 16/09/2021 07:09

I think OP, you need to look inward at your own behaviour, self esteem and boundaries because they have lead to this mess - not the behaviour of a 15 year old girlfriend.

In what way would it make financial sense if she moved in. Who would be paying for her keep? Would you claim child benefit for her? Would her parents be giving you money for her monthly? Who would have parental responsibility for her? Are you financially secure enough to lose your DS child benefit as he isn't in education anymore and is 16 yet take on another child? The only way this would make sense financially was if you claimed benefits for her or are you well off and dont need it - so then the only benefit financially would be to her parents in her leaving and you taking on the burden.

Its a bit worrying OP that you are home schooling your DS and were adamant that he was an adult and later went on to admit you were confused with the legal age of consent. How is his homeschooling going? Is he going on to higher education?

I think the only quick fix to this to ban her from coming to your house but I dont think, at this time, you are capable of being so forth wright.

This thread has baffled me to be honest.

flippertyop · 16/09/2021 07:11

I think you've got bigger issues than this if neither your parent nor your son will respect a no from you

Lovemusic33 · 16/09/2021 07:14

What a odd OP 😬
You talk like you don’t have a ds because he’s a adult and likes to stay private? He’s 16, that is not an adult. I have a almost 16 year old and a almost 18 year old and I certainly consider them both “my children”. I wouldn’t judge anyone they decided to bring home by what they wear. It sounds like she’s picked up on the fact you don’t like her and she feels uneasy around you. Maybe your not a easy person to get on with. I feel sorry for your ds, sounds like you don’t care much for him if you don’t even consider him as one of your children.

Standrewsschool · 16/09/2021 07:16

If she belittles you or is rude to you, start calling her out . Tell her that what she said was hurtful,even if it was meant to be banter. Say to her it won’t be tolerated, and if she continues then she won’t be welcome. If you have to be the bad guy, so what. Stick up for yourself.

Standrewsschool · 16/09/2021 07:17

“Also what kind of parents would even LET an underage 15 year old move out and move in with her boyfriend (who lives hours away)?”

I was wondering that also.