fed up of sons girlfriend

[NoIdeaWhatItMeans]

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

I’m another one who says that a 15 year old shouldn’t be staying over either. It’s one thing if they choose to be in a relationship, but as the adult and parent, you have to draw lines in the sand.

He’s not an adult. This is not his house even if it were. You are the adult, this is your home, you make the rules.

I wouldn't dream of letting an UNDERAGE GIRL move in to be with your son, her boyfriend. It's illegal, better make sure your son doesn't end up on a sex offenders register

For me, there are a bunch of red flags waving in regard to the girlfriend, but perhaps not the ones you think. She's rude to you and acts entitled and pushy, she presumably dresses fairly provocatively and she wants to leave her family home and move in somewhere else at the age of 15. What all this is screaming to me is that there are some fairly serious issues in her home.

The way she acts tells you that nobody has taught her how to build respectful, genuine relationships with others – the fact that she uses passive-aggression and low-key rudeness shows you that she is not used to being treated respectfully and feels she has to manipulate others to get her way. Her provocative dressing is probably a way of getting attention that's been lacking from her parents, and the fact that she wants to move out of home – only kids who feel unsafe or uncomfortable at home want to leave at the age of 15. The fact that her parents seem okay with this only reinforces it – what loving parents are happy to send their kid off to live with another family?!

Perhaps it would be a good idea to take a step back, try not to take her behaviour towards you personally but look at her as a kid who doesn't have much personal power and is desperately trying to get adults to do what she wants because she's unhappy and unheard at home. Understanding that doesn't make it your job to solve this problem for her, but it's a starting point for approaching the situation with a little more compassion.

Secondly, there's an obvious imbalance of power in your household. You talk about this situation like it's 'three votes against one' but actually, the reality is that it is NOT three votes against one when it comes to deciding to allow another person to move into a family home.

Your son and his girlfriend may voice their opinions about whether they'd like her to move in, but when it comes right down to brass tacks, they are not paying the bills so they are not decision-makers.

There are only two decision-makers in the family – you, and your partner. You are the JOINT heads of the household. The word JOINT is important. If you are not making JOINT decisions where both your perspective and your partner's perspective carry equal weight, then you are not in a genuine partnership. You are in a pretend partnership. If your voice is not being heard, then you are an employee, and your 'partner' is the boss.

This may be a confronting thing to consider, but I suggest you give it very serious consideration.

The reason you should give it serious consideration is that it shows that there are some fairly serious issues in your home too.

Perhaps your DP isn't really clear that he's being manipulated by a kid – after all, he's on the end of the flattery and attention, while you are the one being talked down to – but you need to stand up for yourself as a 'partner' and spell it out for him.

If he can't get it, it's time for you to ask yourself whether your life is good enough for you to accept that your partner is more willing to take care of the needs of his stepson's girlfriend that yours. Take your time looking at this honestly, and if you feel freaked out by the idea of insisting on better treatment from your partner, that is worth dwelling on too. Why don't you feel capable of insisting on (not asking for) better treatment in a relationship?

I’d be concerned as to why her parents think it’s OK for her to move in with your family, there’s no way on earth I’d want my DD (16) to move in with her bf’s family so why do they want their 15 year old living with you? Is there some backstory that you’re not aware of?

Please say a firm no, OP, and let your DS and his gr protest as much as they want, just keep saying no!

OP, if she does move in you are entering into a private foster arrangement and your local Children's Services need to know, as do hers if she's from a different area. They WILL be interested, I can assure you. There will need to be a clear plan for her health needs (where will her GP and dentist be?), education (they will want to know how you plan to ensure she accesses her online learning), and whether you wish to share PR with her parents. Point this out to your DP as he might feel the process to be intrusive and feel less inclined to have her.

If you don't declare this arrangement, SS could take a very dim view if and when they find out.

I know you feel railroaded but you do get a say in this and if your family aren't listening it really do need to make yourself heard. It sounds like you might have bigger problems brewing than just a teenage lodger.

This is an unusual thread. I'm not accusing anyone of trolling, because life is full of unusual situations.

That said, I find myself expecting a "gotcha" of some description. Like the DS and girlfriend are cats or something

Let’s just set the record straight for everyone up in arms about the age of being an adult in then UK.
Once again people are talking about English law being either uneducated or obtuse to think that the other 3 countries that make up the UK follow English law.
An adult in Scotland is classed 16 and over, can marry and vote.
In response to your problem op two things stand out to me. You have judged this girl on her clothing from the time she first visited and I’d guess she knows your not keen on her so she’s playing to her strengths which is the males in the family.
If your DP and son ignore your wishes then as they say on MN you have a DP problem not a 15 year old girl problem. Take your daughter and leave these men who clearly do not respect you.

The op doesn't have a daughter.

How did they meet if she lives hours away?

@Summerdayshaze

How did they meet if she lives hours away?

my moneys on Online Socials

Your son is a child. This girl is a child. Moving in together is for adults with jobs, earning money, and paying rent.

I wouldn’t even be letting her spend the night.

This is all as simple as saying no. You are the parent. Say no.

You know what the answer is but it sounds as if you have low self esteem. Tell her that until she is 16 you don’t feel comfortable with her moving in. This will give you some breathing space and hopefully the relationship will fizzle out.

1.where did stat rape come from.she never said having active sexual relationship. a sleepo is in no way indicative of this surely. IF i am wrong,i am sorry
Op why are they homeschooled(may\may not be relevant)
why?are her parent(s)willing to let their daughter move in?
is dd and ds step? hes not adult at 16

Also in the UK and no 16 isn't an adult. You can't even vote or drink alcohol at the age of 16! There are even movies that are still. Age restricted against them and they can't legally even get married without parental consent.

You are the adult if you don't think it's right for her to move in then say so.

I’d stop obsessing about what she’s wearing. A lot of 16 year old girls wear revealing clothes. It has nothing to do with her talking to you rudely and it detracts from that argument and makes you look jealous/stuffy.

She is under the age of consent. She is not an adult.
He is not an adult.
You are an adult.
Say no.
If you DP 'sides' with the children then I'd question your relationship let alone your son's relationship.
Relationships at the age change very quickly: your son might split up with her and then what?

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware,
Not everyone, just you.

• Your son is not an adult.
• Wiping a 16year old out of your life and only referring to only having a SD in posts is horrible.
• It’s odd to only communicate to your DS in ‘private messages to friends’.
• Your comments about the girls clothes are unnecessary.
• You are a doormat.

@Yaya26

This is barmy. They're both kids. It's all nonsense. No one should be moving anywhere. You're an adult. Talk some sense and say NO!

@Yaya26

This

I'm not scared to say no. I just know it wont have an affect as they're all in favour of ds girlfriend staying here.

So easily addressed. It’s an ultimatum, if she comes to live you will leave - and mean it! Seriously, if your partner picks a scantily clad 15yo girl (your words) over yourself in this scenario then you have bigger problems and are best out of there anyway. She comes, you go.

She's a child. Your an adult. Jusr say no. Simple.

She's a child. Your an adult. Jusr say no. Simple

Will people please stop posting such glib nonsense.
If it was as easy as that the OP wouldn't not be posting.

She has an odd relationship with her DS, a DP who is happy with the set up and supports it and a manipulative teenage girl.

If she instisits the girl goes the DS will probably go too. If she falls out with DP she looks like the hysterical jealous one, not the manipulative girl.

Why is DS being home schooled?
Who pays for the home? Do you fund it, Could you leave or do they need your income?

Who does the home schooling for DS?
Does he have other friends?
How long have you been with DP will he support you in your wishes.

Perhaps the girl will be less of a bully to you if she 'wins' and gets to stay.

In Scotland you can vote/leave education/get your own housing/start a family/have medical autonomy all at 16 so yes an adult, albeit young.

There is something very dysfunctional in your relationship with your partner if you cannot discuss the seriousness of this and your wishes with him; I generally run our household but my DH always has the right to say a decision wouldn’t work for him and that gets respected.

Your issue with how the girlfriend dresses demeans you.
Do not let anyone bully you in your own home, say something every time, politely but firmly and immediately.
It sounds like you are treading on eggshells as your partner owns the house, so you feel you views are not equal…sounds exhausting, maybe consider getting legal advice so you can be more secure in your housing situation.