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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 16/09/2021 08:22

Perhaps he is looking at it like this-
If he willingly leaves, he is leaving his children from ex, which would be his choice and he may feel worried they would feel upset with him/impact on relationship.
But if you leave your the one making the decision to move his son away, not him?
Hopefully that makes sense. But he cannot change or influence what you choose to do in terms of moving away, he can only control what choices he makes.

SoupDragon · 16/09/2021 08:37

I'd be furious at the inequality a father shows between the precious first two and apparently disposable third.

And what about the mother who wants to drag a father away from 4 of his children?

notanothertakeaway · 16/09/2021 08:39

Having read some of your replies, I think you are chasing a dream, thinking that moving town will make you happy, and it's understandable that your DH is more sceptical

I'd be interested to hear his side of this story, and don't believe he said that after just one conversation.

EspressoDoubleShot · 16/09/2021 08:43

Op concedes she’s whimsical and has unattainable day dreams that don’t bear up to scrutiny. She feels restless and thinks of running away, escape with no plan,no means and no support. Realistically she knows she can’t move but still holds onto it as a daydream. Pragmatism is we live the life we have,usually within our means and are boundaried by what sensible and safe.

vivainsomnia · 16/09/2021 08:47

I wonder if he knows you better than you think, and he believes that if you went away, you'd realised that the grass is not greener and come back to him realising this.

Considering you seem to struggle to get grounded, it is totally understandable he wouldn't be prepared to go with everything a move entails when there is a good chance you decide you are not happy where you are in the new place and want to move again.

ManifestDestinee · 16/09/2021 09:00

OP you marred him knowing that he had children there, and he wouldn't leave. You had a child with him knowing that. You always wanted to leave...so you should never have married someone you always knew wouldn't go!

YOU created this situation. Not him, you. You're complaining about feeling unloved? How do you think he feels, knowing you care more about some pie in the sky idea of moving than you do about him?

TweetyPieBird · 16/09/2021 09:14

How far away do you hope to move? 1hr, 6hrs? If it’s only an hour then he would still be close to his other family members! His comment makes it clear that you and ds are not his priority.

butterpuffed · 16/09/2021 09:16

OP, your head's in the clouds, from what you say you're always dreaming of doing different things to make you happier but know it wouldn't work You even wanted a second baby, now you don't.

So if you all moved away I doubt if that would make you happier, plus your husband would be unhappy too. It sounds like he's at the end of his tether suggesting you move without him. he's grounded, you're not.

Perhaps you need a bit of counselling so you can come to terms with yourself , face your fears and feel a bit more peaceful.

And why do you have no friends ?

Original poster
kravestix · 16/09/2021 09:19

I wanted to move about six hours away. And I don't know why I don't have friends. I just never have.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/09/2021 09:21

@TweetyPieBird

How far away do you hope to move? 1hr, 6hrs? If it’s only an hour then he would still be close to his other family members! His comment makes it clear that you and ds are not his priority.
Don't be ridiculous. The DH has five children to consider and you think he should ditch the first 4 to move away on some daydream of the OP who admits she doesn't know what she wants and often changes her mind?
SoupDragon · 16/09/2021 09:23

I wanted to move about six hours away

And you thought that was reasonable?

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 09:27

@kravestix

And just to add to this. There will be no annual foreign holiday. I compromised. We are all going glamping in Wales instead!
I don't know how this cropped up but good luck to you with glamping in Wales! There's not much 'glam' about it.

Do you go to work, kravestix?

CallMeNutribullet · 16/09/2021 09:29

Sounds like you're trying to make him choose between you and your child and his other children.
No I don't think a man should move 6 hours away from his kids and I don't think you should take one of his kids 6 hours away either.

Branleuse · 16/09/2021 09:30

i think you have got a lot of thinking to do if you want to move. Im not sure it will be the answer to everything, but it sounds like youve wanted to move for a long time and that pretty much everything youve wanted to explore has been declined by your much older husband.
6 hours away is definitely too far to move from his older children, but i dont see why you have to stay in the same town. I think you should make a plan to become qualified and then move elsewhere if he wont try and stop you. You might have been looking for a replacement dad in him, but now you want to grow up and thats fine

felulageller · 16/09/2021 09:31

I think you need to find a better solution to your feelings than moving far away.

If you are in a deprived area now wouldn't you end up in the deprived bit of a 'better' town? If it's the schools can you apply to another school/go private?

How far away is this other place? How often have you visited?

Can you go there yourself at weekends?

Can you join some clubs out of town to make new friends?

Once his DCs are adults will he move then?

Is there nowhere that's within a half hour or so drive so you can get away but he can still visit home every day?

Zilla1 · 16/09/2021 09:32

Although he didn't need to say anything, if you have mentioned wanting to move repeatedly then objectively what would be the worst position he could say - you can move if you want which is true. Or you could have been told you can't move and take my DC away which would have been controlling. If you've catastrophised and feel unloved from this one statement then what would happen if you or your DP reevaluate devery statement you've made to your DP about wanting to move away when he has DC in the location and held them to the same standard?

CrumpleHornedSnowcack · 16/09/2021 09:35

what makes you think moving will help though op? You still won't have friends in the new location. Maybe you could compromise & move 1 hour away and join a few clubs, exercise classes, volunteer for example & maybe find friends with common interests

Spiindoctor · 16/09/2021 09:37

I think I do yes. I'm indecisive and constantly change my mind. I no longer want a 2nd baby! 😂 I don't think I actually know what or want or what will make me happy.

Sounds like you are inadvertently repeating your own childhood - you managed to get the dad in a second marriage, like someone did to your DM, You are stopping at one child (are you an only child).
You need some counselling - or your DM's treatment of you might affect how you treat your own DS.
We don't know how good a father your DH is - everyone assuming he is staying for his other DCs. Your relationship sounds like he calls the shots - that's not good. Is this to make sure you hang on to him? And don't end up like your DM?
Counselling would help. Perhaps DH would contribute if he thought you'd be happier and more settled.

ThorsLeftNut · 16/09/2021 09:37

Why is it ok for him to leave his other children but not yours?
Either way he’s going to lose in this situation.

BananaPB · 16/09/2021 09:42

I've seen your dilemma is reverse.

The husband is restless and never happy and comes up with impulsive stuff that he thinks will make him happy but it just leads to other random requests which affects others as it costs money, time or ruins the stability that the spouse and kids enjoy.

Yabvu to ask your h to leave his 4 kids. If the compromise was to move a short distance away then that would be one thing but to move hours away when you'd just come up with a new bunch of things that might make you happy is another. For your h and son, a good quality of life would include seeing the dsc.

I think that your h is right and the only compromise is to let you do your thing and move. He loves all 5 kids equally and if it's a choice between seeing 1 of them and 4 of them regularly then I see why he'd reluctantly pick 4.

MichelleScarn · 16/09/2021 09:45

I can't see where it says the age of ops DC, do they want to move and leave their siblings? Fr other op posts it reads as they are quite involved.
Would you go OP of dc didn't want to?

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2021 09:49

You strike me as an If Only person. If only I moved I would be happier, If only I was able to do this.

You seem unhappy and are pinning all your hopes and happiness on moving now - when moving wont actually solve anything.

You mention him not wanting to get a dog, which in isolation sounds harsh but I wonder if he thinks that you will realise fairly soon that it wont solve anything and move on.

But at the same time you know he wont move. So it is easier then rather than deal with what is making you unhappy put it down to not moving knowing that will never happen so you dont have to deal with it

andyoldlabour · 16/09/2021 09:51

As a bloke, I would choose wife over friends and family every time.

ScribblingPixie · 16/09/2021 09:53

I can't vote on this, OP. But you sound as if you have a lot of unhappiness. You say you have no friends and your family experiences have been rotten. Maybe your DH feels that moving to a new area wouldn't solve your problems and that on top of that he'd lose close contact with his family? I'd advise looking at improving your own life & outlook without putting pressure on your DH. Sorry if that's wide of the mark, it's just the impression your post gives.

callmeadoctor · 16/09/2021 09:55

6 hours away (if its uk) is from one side of the uk to the other. Clearly ridiculous to move so far on a whim. Tell us what area you are and we will find you nice near cheap places to live. I can absolutely guarantee you that OP.

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