AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

[kravestix]

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

Getting out more might help you, kravestix. You don't have to spend 24/7 in your house.

I have some sympathy because I hated where we lived for the first nine years of marriage and was thoroughly depressed. We had a child whilst living there after four years and no way would I have had another. Actually we should never have bought the house but at the time, it was what we could afford in a cheap area; I never dreamed we'd be there so long, never mind start a family. We did move eventually to a larger house, only 3.4 miles away , but it was like a different world! I still live here and have always liked it, feel safe.

Living somewhere that is not satisfactory takes its toll of you.

Do you have an interesting job? That makes a huge difference. Having a pet will only tie you down more, honestly. Please don't look for sticking plasters over your wound, they are palliative for a while only. You're a grown woman and must know that.

It's good that you are starting a course of study, I hope that works well and that you meet some interesting people. Develop a life of your own (not apart from your son of course, in addition to).

Good luck.

I think that no matter the specifics, he could have expressed this in a more loving way

Moving isn’t always the answer. It sounds like you are fairly isolated and lonely, how did it end up that you have no friends at all

I would say moving is the answer.
I have solved lots of problems by moving

I hated where I grew up. I never had any connection to the place. I walked away and the freedom I felt just turning onto the road out of there was the biggest rush of my life.
Even though I went from a lovely house to a grotty studio flat I could not have been happier.
I then a few years later because of dhs work had to move to a different part of the country and I couldn’t believe how isolated I was.
We lived there for 12 of the most miserable years of my life. Again when we moved we went from a beautiful house to one that on paper wasn’t as attractive but I was so happy moving. In theory we should have been worse off moving from a less expensive country village to the North London borders but everything was so much cheaper.

I spent the majority of those 12 years living in a beautiful village house but not speaking to another sole for weeks on end
Sometimes running away is the answer

We moved out of our house a few weeks ago and into an Airbnb. We haven’t found a place to move to yet and because the rental market has gone crazy and we have pets and not being able to find anything local we have ended up in an area of the country where after just a few days we did stop and question how people actually earned a living as there was nothing around the pretty villages.
Our work is very London based and even other things we turn our hand to, to raise money, because of the sheer distance between villages I doubt we would make anything substantial.

Sometimes moving to a more practical area is the answer.
For your ds’s sake I would look for an area that does have opportunities for both yourself and your ds. Possibly a large city where there are lots bf lots of people.

Quite clearly you are not your dh’s priority an living in an area you hate is soul destroying

I would start planning and saving and costing what exactly you need and how much you could live on and what benefits, CM you could claim as well as what job opportunities and other opportunities there are on top of everything else.
(Even something like TooGoodToGo which saved us money on grocery shopping just wasn’t available or if it was the cost of petrol to collect your bag was not financially viable)

I would also look into ADHD and how it presents in girls/women as I can see certain aspects that resonate with myself.

I think you should try and make some friends. Why don’t you have any?

@kravestix

And just to add to this. There will be no annual foreign holiday. I compromised. We are all going glamping in Wales instead!

Then if you have compromised this time it is only fair that he agrees to having a holiday abroad next year conditions permitting. Or failing that compromise by going to an island- Jersey, Isle of Wight, the Scilly Isles and go to the type of place you crave to live in. You could have your fix by visiting these places. Northumbria, Scottish Islands are other alternatives. I hanker after living by the coast again I miss the sea and my sister’s live 5 miles from a beautiful place that we used to live in. Once the sea is in your blood it is hard not to hear it calling.

I hope you are very successful with your book ( I was going to suggest writing too) and perhaps you can afford a place by the sea and somewhere you love even if you only use it for holidays.
If you are not successful please keep trying. I know someone who had her children’s book rejected by the first publisher and luckily she didn’t give up so she sent it to about 20 others. They are have all wanted to publish it. It will be going into print this year.

What do you want from this poor guy? Of course he's not going to leave his other children just to please you. But if you're determined to leave, he can't stop you, so he'll let you take your shared child because he believes that that's better for that child than being left with him as a single parent. His priorities are 100% what they should be: the best interests of all the children involved. Yours are ... clearly not that.

His priorities are 100% what they should be: the best interests of all the children involved. Yours are ... clearly not that.
I agree. OP has one priority- herself. I think her partner has realized this, and knows it is up to him to care about anything outside of her wants.

This just sounds like a complex longwinded unravelling of a relationship because neither of you want to feel rejected or the one that broke it off. These kinds of things take years out of your life.

I think what you really want is for your husband to love you and show you time and affection. Your fantasies are a replacement for what your soul is missing in your relationship and in real life. I get it. From experience. I really do. And what hurts you most is you wanted your husband to say he would be heartbroken and miss you if you moved. That's what you really want. To feel unconditionally loved. Yes, I do get it on a personal level.

Maybe you and your DH aren’t compatible. You need a fresh start? He’s not sounding that bothered about you. Where would you like to move to? Have a look for jobs in a new area and be brave and go for it

What happens if ds doesn't want to go? Or, in later life, wants to move back? You're not very realistic are you, kravestix?

You do know yourself quite well really - you change your mind quickly and over big things. Recently you wanted a baby - now you don’t. You want a dog but you know yourself well enough to know a the novelty of a dog will wear off for you. You love you mum who is wonderful then a few months later she is toxic and bad for you. You’re an all or nothing person. Things are wonderful or dreadful.

The desire to move is a symptom too. Where you are is really where you need to be until your stepchildren grow up. Your husband is right to prioritise this because he knows you - he knows if you move, within a few months something else will be wrong in your life.

You do sound smart and reflective in many ways though. I think your university course will be great for you, and will hopefully lead to some kind of satisfying work which will help you channel your energies.

I also think it might be worth considering some therapy or counselling to help you to get to the bottom of your inner dissatisfactions.

I don’t think your husband sounds like a bad man at all but I wonder if he’s a bit tired of you blowing hot and cold in such an extreme way. You do need to work on this a bit. Having said that - you sound lovely and aware of what you are like. I hope you find some nice friends on your course but remember - try not to ‘all or nothing’ them or the course itself!

Practice being steady. Bring yourself down or talk yourself up to an even keel.

@FawnFrenchieMum

I would be hurt, it would be impossible not to be hurt but from your DH’s perspective, you wouldn’t gain anyone from moving away. You can make friends where you are, your not going to gain family by moving away but he will be losing his family, and not just family his children if he moves away with you. I think he’s actually trying to be kind to you even though it doesn’t feel it. He’s saying he really doesn’t want to move away as a family however he won’t stand in the way of you moving if it would make you truly happy.

I agree with the above.

Poor man. You are giving him ‘Sophie’s Choice’here. He has to pick between his children. Whatever choice he makes is a terrible one.

I think the onus here is on you. You can choose to keep your child with their father or chose to take them away. Both options have advantages and disadvantages, only you can weigh up which one is best.

Can you move within the town you live in? It's not good that any of the DCs are stuck in a town with a probable drug problem and few jobs.

I was a bit like this - always looking to the better life I'd have in the future.
I think maybe I was a bit depressed or anxious. I had one horrible parent like you so possibly due to that.
Can you afford counselling to sort your head out.
But you have a son - concentrate on having fun with him, stay away from your toxic DM. On MN people are always trying to facilitate 'loving' grandparent relationships between their DCs and toxic parents. Why is it a good idea?? Don't do it.

@kravestix, you say you continually dream of escape, and that your DH and family members say it negatively impacts your reality, but you’re still living in adulthood in a hometown you hate, and, more significantly, you married a man you knew was tied to there by his children from a previous relationship. Bluntly, why didn’t you leave long before now, before you committed to having a child in a town you hate, with someone who can’t leave? That you did something that prevented you doing something you say you always wanted — especially if you started seeing him at 18 at a time when a lot of people are shipping out of home — suggests to me that you’re sabotaging your own ambition to leave.

I'd be furious at the inequality a father shows between the precious first two and apparently disposable third.

Tut, really. He doesn’t want to move and doesn’t want to constantly debate moving either. He’s making it clear that he won’t stop the OP from moving but also knowing that she can’t. He won’t move to satisfy the whims of someone who wants to move for the heck of it.

The status quo is him living in the same place as all his children.

In his shoes, I’d stay put too.

The original post was deliberately written in such a way that the DH appeared to be the unreasonable one. The drip feeding has not only provided context but revealed that the OP has issues that running away won’t solve.

@EmeraldShamrock

Wow what a dick. That is the end of your relationship. I've a lot of ties here I don't think I'd move off for DP of 15 years but he wouldn't be taking the DC.

How can you say that whilst also saying you wouldn’t move? Is he supposed to dump his other dc/parents? Just because the OP does like where they live? It’s an extreme solution to move away. Is it the relationship she wants to leave in reality?

While it sounds hurtful he likely realises it’s empty and that you wouldn’t leave. Maybe he’s just saying it to try to end the issue. So perhaps he wouldn’t really be so calm if you did announce you were leaving.

Go to Uni and get your degree. It will mean you’re focusing on that but also may give you clarity about moving away.

@PersonaNonGarter

Come on, OP, you can see through this. He is controlling and goading you.

Do you know where you want to move to, or is this just a cry freedom to go anywhere?

Completely disagree with this. If anyone is goading/controlling it's the op.

If a partner has previous kids then you're on to a hiding to nothing asking them to move away from them. You're essentially asking them to choose between the DC and that is goading and controlling.

It's obviously been an ongoing issue regularly discussed and maybe he's finally said "you know what go then if you want,I won't stop you".

The op has done the emotional equivalent of picking at a scab until it hurt and then crying because it hurt.

Op you sound unhappy and insecure, I agree with pp who say moving isn't the answer and you need to address your reasons for wanting to, your toxic mother, childhood, lack of friends etc

My DP has children from a previous relationship. We’re both not big fans of the place we live, but we have to live here to make it work for the kids. I knew that when I met him and I accepted it.

So, that’s the front on which I think you’re being unreasonable.

I honestly don’t think you moving to a nicer/bigger/more coastal region will help you. Maybe you’ve harboured this as one of your whimsical fancies and because you can’t enact on it, you focus on it even more. It’s the thing you can’t have and therefore it’s the thing that will surely revolutionise your life. I think you’ve glorified it in your mind as a big adventure, escape, and actually - it’ll mostly be same old shit, different day with a depressed DH or no DH at all. If you don’t want to be with him that’s something else, but if you do…it’s just a house, it’s just a place, it isn’t going to give you a cuddle late at night.

OP, I mean this kindly, have you tried to focus on what you do have? What’s good about where you are? The people nearby? Your DS’S friendship groups or that little park you took him to after school some days? Have you tried looking for places to explore nearby? We hate our town, so even a park in a nearby town or village is a lovely change. Just, anything that helps you appreciate what you do have.

@WinterSunglasses

She doesn’t unilaterally get to decide where they all live

But he does? That's what's been the case till now.

I would feel very unloved and undervalued by this OP. As an early pp said, you now have to decide what to do with this information. I would feel sad for your son too. Are his other children grown up or still under 18s?

How does the OP growing up in the same town, settling down in her hometown and choosing to marry a man with existing family ties and children in that town, equate to him 'unilaterally deciding' where to live?

Honestly these replies are bonkers.

I'd say a partner throwing ultimatums around to try and separate her partner from his children and family is pretty controlling tbh

@kravestix
You obviously are unhappy and have insecurity in your relationship.

But throwing around ultimatums to try and force you DP to 'pick you' over his children is unfair and controlling.

You're putting him in an impossible situation

@TwinsandTrifle

I'd be upset at the absolute certainty he won't move away from child one and child two, and yet child three? Well, you can just take him away.

He can't possibly move with you, because he won't see his children as easily, but then, you can take his child, which he'll see less, and that's ok, he won't stop you?!

I'd be furious at the inequality a father shows between the precious first two and apparently disposable third.

He has 4 other children.

His choice seems to be

• see all his children (current situation)
• move with OP and hardly see his 4 older children, who will be more aware of what is happening and are not likely to be happy about this
• let OP move away and hardly see a 3 year old, meaning they are likely to struggle to build a relationship at all. He's realised this and said (OP said he was logical) that it's probably not worth trying and failing.

OP reminds me of my parents, who move every few years because things will be better in the next place (which led to a horribly unsettled childhood, so I hope OP is not planning similar for her own child).. It never is better.. Actually it turns out "places" aren't so very different - it's your own attitude and the people you surround yourself that makes them.