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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 15/09/2021 23:02

Your behaviour is totally toxic, not whimsical, and it’s not fair to take out your frustrations on your partner or try to pressure him to be a shit parent. How horrible must it be for him to hear your constantly complaining about how miserable you are, how I’m his children are an anchor, how you’d consider abandoning him for some stupid dream town. Frankly i think he was very kind to not just tell you to grow up…

Mymapuddlington · 15/09/2021 23:03

Also a few months ago you wanted another baby?
Sorry it’s just it doesn’t make sense why you’d want to move away but start uni and want another baby?
Are you sure you don’t just get bored easily?

Original poster

kravestix · 15/09/2021 23:03

@Mymapuddlington

Just being nosy and if you’ve started uni can you not create a bit of life for yourself with others on your course?

I'm starting on Monday so we'll see how it goes! Hopefully it'll be really good for me.

OP posts:

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/09/2021 23:03

Can the two of you not compromise? Move a short distance away, say within 20 minutes or so drive. The next town over maybe?

I want to move out of my home area but have family here I don't want to leave so I'm not going far. I'm looking at moving to a village about half hour drive away.

You can't ask him to leave his children or lose his other child, that is just a cruel thing to do and no way to treat someone you supposedly love.

Original poster

kravestix · 15/09/2021 23:04

@Mymapuddlington

Also a few months ago you wanted another baby? Sorry it’s just it doesn’t make sense why you’d want to move away but start uni and want another baby? Are you sure you don’t just get bored easily?

I think I do yes. I'm indecisive and constantly change my mind. I no longer want a 2nd baby! 😂 I don't think I actually know what or want or what will make me happy. I think my head is a bit messed up tbh.

OP posts:

NinjaBreadMan · 15/09/2021 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flowers500 · 15/09/2021 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Mymapuddlington · 15/09/2021 23:15

@kravestix I’m glad you didn’t take offence!

You sound a lot like me to be honest.
I’m very indecisive, want to move house and ‘start fresh’ want to go to uni then I don’t, want to be a midwife/own a shop/foster animals.

It’s like im always running from myself, trying to be who I ‘think’ I should be.

I have a diagnosis of depression and autism. Im finally, after years of not understanding myself, accepting myself as I am and making small changes, including trying not to be so impulsive and daydreamy.

SpindleWhorl · 15/09/2021 23:16

@NinjaBreadMan

My money’s on a midlife diagnosis of high functioning ASD with a heavy dose of maladaptive daydreaming you use to cope with day to day life.

And you live in somewhere like Southsea? Outer Chichester?

todaysdilemma · 15/09/2021 23:17

OP, reading this thread and some of your previous ones I am reminded of the film, An Education with Carey Muligan. Have you watched it? It's about a young girl who meets a much older man, and how stifled and suffocated she feels after giving up her dreams of uni to be with him. Apologies if this doesn't relate to you at all, but it just reminded me of that.

You met DH at 18, when he was 33? You were young, had your life ahead of you and deep down you're clearly a dreamer who wanted a better life. You never really had the chance to explore, make mistakes and see more of the world, before you got pregnant a few years later, and I really really feel for you.

I think you and DH are just completely incompatible. You hardly knew yourself then, and what you wanted. And as you're maturing and growing, you're realising that you are a different person with different hopes and aspirations to DH. He isn't a bad person, just an incompatible and inflexible one - because he'll always be the older one who knows better, and you'll always be the child. To break that dynamic you need to get financially independent, so you don't depend on him for most things.

Get your uni degree, get your teaching qualification - then see how you feel. At least then you'll be financially able to support yourself and DS, and if you still want to move away to give your son more opportunities, you'll be able to.

Whatever happens, do not stay unhappy and unfulfilled or thinking that there is something wrong with you for wanting more from life. The world has been discovered and explored by people who wanted more, for themselves and their children.

Fraine · 15/09/2021 23:21

A 33yo getting together with an 18yo? That does put a different light on it.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/09/2021 23:23

This is the problem when step children are involved. He no doubt loves his other children as much as he loves you and your son so, whilst I'm sure he'd be gutted if you moved far away he would not want to leave his other loved ones behind. Unless his world is very small and insular would he not consider a small move, say 10 mins drive away to keep all parties happy?

DixonD · 15/09/2021 23:24

I’m torn on this one as I said the same to my husband, but he wanted to move abroad. Thousands of miles abroad. I have a huge family and don’t want to leave them. His family are local too and won’t want him to leave.

He didn’t leave. But I’d never stand in the way of someone being happy. You get one life 🤷‍♀️

For us, there was no middle ground (unless I wanted to live in the middle of the ocean).

Would your husband be willing to move, say, 10-20 miles away? Just a bit out of the area to make you happy, and to be close enough to his other family?

TwinsandTrifle · 15/09/2021 23:26

I'd be upset at the absolute certainty he won't move away from child one and child two, and yet child three? Well, you can just take him away.

He can't possibly move with you, because he won't see his children as easily, but then, you can take his child, which he'll see less, and that's ok, he won't stop you?!

I'd be furious at the inequality a father shows between the precious first two and apparently disposable third.

SafeguardingWhenSeekingHelp · 15/09/2021 23:28

@TwinsandTrifle

I'd be upset at the absolute certainty he won't move away from child one and child two, and yet child three? Well, you can just take him away.

He can't possibly move with you, because he won't see his children as easily, but then, you can take his child, which he'll see less, and that's ok, he won't stop you?!

I'd be furious at the inequality a father shows between the precious first two and apparently disposable third.

Yes me too, although I'm sure somebody will come along and say "but it's the OP wanting to take the child away..."

Salaman · 15/09/2021 23:29

I'm sorry but I don't agree most of you. He said he wouldn't even go and visit his child with the OP if she moved. That's a manipulative thing to say. I get that he doesn't want to leave his other children but he's saying he'd happily ditch his latest child? That's clearly telling the OP he doesn't place the same value on their relationship and devastating for her child. He's a prat and trying to force her into staying where she feels unhappy. I know what I would do.

TwinsandTrifle · 15/09/2021 23:32

Yes, it's absolutely her debating the move. That makes no difference to his response, which is its inconceivable not to be near 2 children, while he won't do anything to stop the other one moving away.

It would be different if he was saying "you can't take my child away from me." But he's not he's saying he can go without resistance. As long as he gets the others.

SafeguardingWhenSeekingHelp · 15/09/2021 23:37

@TwinsandTrifle

It would be different if he was saying "you can't take my child away from me." But he's not he's saying he can go without resistance. As long as he gets the others.

Yep. This with bells on.

Alot of posters also seem to place higher value on the 'first' children in most scenarios though hence step mum's getting such a hard time on here. It doesn't surprise me that the overwhelming response is that OP is being unreasonable.

How often does he have his oldest kids anyway OP? Is he really that bone idle he couldn't be arsed to drive to get them every weekend?

He doesn't need to live round the corner from them to be a consistent parent IMO.

DixonD · 15/09/2021 23:40

@CassandraTrotter

If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves. I get that. Totally.

You shouldnt get it. Youre his wife and child. You should be his priority. Unless one of the six people he would be leaving is another of his children.

The ones left behind include his other children .

Salaman · 15/09/2021 23:45

The ones left behind include his other children

So he is going to sacrifice the relationship with his other child? He could have it all if he wanted but he clearly doesn't seem to.

BlueMoons90 · 15/09/2021 23:47

The fact you got together when you were 18 and he was 33 definitely changes things a bit for me. I feel for you, I really do. You obviously aren't happy with your life and whilst I agree with PP that you can't expect him to leave his other children to move far away with you - I do think it's unreasonable of him to not even consider moving a few miles away. Seems very odd that he would be absolutely fine with your DS leaving, but point blank refuses to leave his other DC.

When you really think about it - are you two truly compatible?

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2021 23:48

@EmeraldShamrock

Wow what a dick. That is the end of your relationship. I've a lot of ties here I don't think I'd move off for DP of 15 years but he wouldn't be taking the DC.

A dick? For not wanting to leave his other children?

LemonFantaGin · 15/09/2021 23:51

Some very very harsh posts on here.

Your clearly unhappy with your current life and trying to find a path that leads you to your happiness.

Theres nothing wrong with dreaming, but you do need to stay practical too.

Your about to start uni, that should open a few new doors, maybe find a hobby that can keep you focused.

I would be devastated at those comments from my husband, its a nice bit of blackmail to keep you there, rather than discuss it like a rational adult, please consider yourself in all this, theres always a way to get out of these situations, its just wanting it enough. Good luck.

DocAutumn · 15/09/2021 23:54

Of course he isn't going to leave his children. If a new partner asked me to leave my children I would choose my children, obvs.

SmellyOldOwls · 16/09/2021 00:03

It sounds like he wants you to shit or get off the pot.

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