To have ivf in this situation?

[Maybebaby111]

This isn’t really an AIBU, but not sure where it belongs really.

I went to see a fertility doctor today after 3 years of TTC my second child. (DS is 5 and was conceived naturally instantly - first try). I’m 41. Ivf, the doctor said, is pretty much the only chance we have of conceiving because of DH’s sperm.

We already have one DS, so I don’t know whether or not all the heartache and expense for something that only has a 20% chance of working is good for me?

But what if I don’t try and I could have had another?

Ds will be a minimum 6 by the time any baby came along, so a fair gap.

And I’m worried that the IVF would spiral into a “one more try” thing, and it would take years and years and maybe not even work.

My age isn’t unusual in London, where I live. But I suppose I really don’t know whether or not to try.

I look at DS’ old baby things and cry. I’m a mess.

Any experiences or advice?

I have no experience of this OP, but if it were me, no I wouldn't go ahead.

If it never happens, then you're a lot of £ down and have probably gone through lots of angst and upset. But you'll have missed really enjoying those years with your existing child.

Easy for me to say I know, but I'd say enjoy the child you do have, don't pine for the child that you might have. Try and make your peace with it

You don’t say what your Dh thinks. Where is he on this?

What the issue with sperm? Low count or low motility? IUI could be a more cost effective option as it’s less invasive than IVF. There is an Infertility board that you could move over to.

You want a second child. Why wouldn't you try for one this way if this is the way that might work?

Set yourself a limit of how many tries. We decided on four tries for our second and we definitely wanted to know that we had tried. It worked on the third time.

We're having IVF. We have no children. It is very hard. I've had 2 egg retrievals, 1 embryo that didn't implant, and 1 that did implant but didn't develop. The cost, stressful injections, procedures, and heart breaking failures have taken over every aspect of our lives. Luckily it has brought us closer together, but this isn't the same for all couples. We've already agreed that if we're lucky enough to have one child through IVF we would be grateful for what had and wouldn't do any further IVF for a second child.

Quietly wondering if you are my friend who is in a very similar situation.

I dont think anyone can make the decision for you but thoughts with you OP, it's very tough.

@Blueroses99

What the issue with sperm? Low count or low motility? IUI could be a more cost effective option as it’s less invasive than IVF. There is an Infertility board that you could move over to.

Low count and mobility - I was hoping for IUI, but the doctor said that wasn’t an option for us

That’s a tough position to be in sorry OP.

If you really want a baby I’d go for it ASAP as your age is against you.

Perhaps that’s why it’s taking longer, your fertility isn’t what it was? Whose is at 41 by the way, I’m not trying to be horrible honestly.

The other thing to consider is the chance of disabilities increasing due to age. Could you manage with a disabled baby who’d need more attention? Perhaps always?

@CurbsideProphet

We're having IVF. We have no children. It is very hard. I've had 2 egg retrievals, 1 embryo that didn't implant, and 1 that did implant but didn't develop. The cost, stressful injections, procedures, and heart breaking failures have taken over every aspect of our lives. Luckily it has brought us closer together, but this isn't the same for all couples. We've already agreed that if we're lucky enough to have one child through IVF we would be grateful for what had and wouldn't do any further IVF for a second child.

That sounds so hard. I hope you are lucky on the next round

@Elieza

That’s a tough position to be in sorry OP.

If you really want a baby I’d go for it ASAP as your age is against you.

Perhaps that’s why it’s taking longer, your fertility isn’t what it was? Whose is at 41 by the way, I’m not trying to be horrible honestly.

The other thing to consider is the chance of disabilities increasing due to age. Could you manage with a disabled baby who’d need more attention? Perhaps always?

This has been on my mind too. I also feel a little selfish, as I do already have a much-loved DS.

I think it was the blasé expectation that I’d have another, then the desperate trying for three years… I think that’s what’s made it hard to let go and now I don’t know if I should, or if I’d always wonder “what if”.

I’ve had fertility blood tests, which don’t give the whole picture, but my numbers are good for my age.

I would say have a serious think about if it is worth the financial, but also the physical and emotional cost. I would say around a third of the couples I know who have gone through IVG have split up, even those that succeeded it out a lot of strain on their relationship and physically it seemed to age them a few years due to the stress and all the drugs involved in egg harvesting.

I am not saying that it should be a no, but you should really consider it fully first.

I'm in a similar situation except I'm 38 and our fertility issues are unexplained. Our DS is now 7 and we've made the decision not to try IVF. I would have loved another child but decided to enjoy what we have already and give DS the best life we can. It's a very personal decision but I don't think I could deal with the stress, expense and potential disappointment that could come with IVF.

Only you and DH know what is right for you. What have you done to improve DH's sperm? Loosing weight, stopping smoking, lifestyle changes etc?

I started my DH on lycopene-found naturally in tomatoes and red fruit/veg, but some studies have shown beneficial effects on sperm quality. I also read 'It starts with an egg' which gives different advice to 'potentially' improve you chances.

I started TTC at 33. 12yrs on, I've had 3 MC's, and 2 rounds of IVF. No kids. No cause for infertility found, except older eggs. I have a high AMA (egg count) but the quality of the eggs I do have isn't great. The age of others in your area has no baring at all on the age of YOUR eggs, or whether you should/shouldn't go down the path of IVF.

I was worried that I might keep going till the bitter end for IVF too. Write down the pros and cons with going ahead with IVF and the various outcomes this may bring up. Make sure your DH is on the same page and go from there. If seeing baby things really is bringing you to cry, have you considered getting some counselling?

Happy to answer any questions you have. Sorry this is so long!

mumsnet can't decide this for you, you have to talk to your DH and make a joint decision.

things to consider

• can you afford it?
• how important is another baby to you?
• how will you feel if it doesn't work?
• how will you feel if you never try?

and how does DH feel on each of those questions.

@Bobsyer

I have no experience of this OP, but if it were me, no I wouldn't go ahead.

If it never happens, then you're a lot of £ down and have probably gone through lots of angst and upset. But you'll have missed really enjoying those years with your existing child.

Easy for me to say I know, but I'd say enjoy the child you do have, don't pine for the child that you might have. Try and make your peace with it

This is one of the reasons we have one child. It took a lot of time and heartache to conceive DD and it was totally all-consuming. I couldn’t do that again and be a good parent to her at the same time.

Do you really want a second child and feel sad at the thought of not having another? If so, I’d give it a shot. If on the other hand you want to do it because you feel you ought to (due to societal expectations or to ‘give’ your DS a sibling), then don’t.

Brutal honesty here.

At 41 with low motility your odds are low even with IVF.

I had three rounds that resulted in mcs before my miracle natural baby who came when I was turning 40.

We seriously discussed trying IVF for a sibling but at my age (no MF issues), but I’m down to one Fallopian tube…it wouldn’t increase my odds massively over trying naturally.

However, I know that failed IVF nearly destroyed me as a person. I spent £25k I didn’t have and would have kept going until I was bankrupt and then started robbing banks, such was my need to become a mother. I can’t explain the all-consuming nature of it.

It’s different now I have him. I wouldn’t choose to put my family through the stress and heartache and financial issues for the realistically very low chance of a sibling.

At 41 your odds are very low with your own eggs, before you add male factor in. If you go ahead be fully aware of this: it’s not the silver bullet you think it is before you try.

What have you done to improve DH's sperm? Loosing weight, stopping smoking, lifestyle changes etc?

Apparently it’s (probably) because of an undescended testes that DH had as a baby - the doctor said that sometimes it means that the other one just stops overcompensating (if I’m accurately describing what he said!). DH doesn’t smoke, drinks a bit but not much, has a good diet etc. Doc also said we might have just gotten incredibly lucky when we conceived our DS on first try when I was 35 (turning 36).

If seeing baby things really is bringing you to cry, have you considered getting some counselling? yes I really feel like I need this! I am going to look into it tomorrow.

I’m sorry for your struggle, it’s sounds so hard

The other thing to consider is will you feel this tearful way again whether or not you have dc2, because they will grow up too.

And then you’ll see a baby in the park and realise that you’re not going to have another.

And you could feel the same way as you do now.

I’m not broody but I feel sad that that’s it for me. I like to have choice. Not an enforced decision. But that’s how it is.

What’s DH saying about it all? Is he fussed?

DH mostly feels sad for me.he wants another as he’s close to his sibling and wants that for DS, but knows it’ll be me and my body going through it so he isn’t putting any pressure on either way.

It could be worth DH following a boost sperm diet for at least 90 days (apparently that’s how long it takes to make sperm or something). My DH had a low sperm count and they were lazy swimmers, he followed a boost sperm diet and when we started ivf and they tested it, they actually asked him to do another sample as it was above average and miles away from the previous test they had on record for him.

Honestly, I’d say do it.

I had IVF, privately funded due to very low egg reserve and my DD is asleep on me atm. First round it worked (we had a 20% chance too and I’m aware of how lucky I am but we also did massive dietary/lifestyle/therapy overhauls for a while beforehand). However, we did put a limit on it and said that we had the funds for two rounds with my eggs and one round of donor eggs and then we’d stop and come to terms with being childless.

We are planning to try for number two but again have put limits on it for when we’d stop and be ok just the three of us.

If you didn’t do it would you always be asking yourself what if? I’m sure you’re not silly so I won’t drive home the massive toll IVF takes on your physical and mental well-being as well as your relationship.

As long as you’re prepared and have boundaries in place, I don’t see why you shouldn’t go for it.

No experience of IVF, OP, but I had three miscarriages before I had DD2 at 41. Conceived DD1 first cycle exactly the same as you when I was 37. Couldn't understand how a few years could make so much difference. But I was OBSESSED with getting pregnant again. There is no way I could have given up and I think I'd have gone mad trying if I hadn't conceived DD2. So I get that need and how overwhelming it is. Better advice on moving forward from other posters on here but sending you a massive hug.

Oh OP 💐.

As someone who has a successful IVF round first go it is very gruelling and stressful from start to finish I know I can’t do it again despite having embryos in the freezer.

Totally get where you’re coming from but I couldn’t do it purely because of the mental strain it took on me. Somewhere along the line I lost who I was . I know I’m lucky to have DS.