To have ivf in this situation?

[Maybebaby111]

This isn’t really an AIBU, but not sure where it belongs really.

I went to see a fertility doctor today after 3 years of TTC my second child. (DS is 5 and was conceived naturally instantly - first try). I’m 41. Ivf, the doctor said, is pretty much the only chance we have of conceiving because of DH’s sperm.

We already have one DS, so I don’t know whether or not all the heartache and expense for something that only has a 20% chance of working is good for me?

But what if I don’t try and I could have had another?

Ds will be a minimum 6 by the time any baby came along, so a fair gap.

And I’m worried that the IVF would spiral into a “one more try” thing, and it would take years and years and maybe not even work.

My age isn’t unusual in London, where I live. But I suppose I really don’t know whether or not to try.

I look at DS’ old baby things and cry. I’m a mess.

Any experiences or advice?

I had DS1 after 10 years of ivf at 39. I’m 41 now and about to embark on ttc no2 but knowing how all consuming ivf is this time we’re going into it with a plan that if I’m not pregnant by 43 or it seems like it’s affecting DS negatively then we’re out.

I don’t think anyone else’s opinion matters. You say irbid common where you live (to have children at that age) and I’m sure it will work out fine.

Personally I wouldn’t want to go back to changing nappies on my 40s and I would try to embrace having an only child

I would but I’d do it fairly strategically to maximise your chances of success. It will cost a small fortune sadly.

• See Jonathan Ramsey now for your husband’s issues & see what can be improved.
• Choose a clinic good with older ladies (in London - Evewell, ARGC, Lister, CRGH).
• Bank on doing 2 - 3 rounds with ICSI and PGS testing to find 1 or 2 euploid embryos before transferring. Unfortunately age brings with it a high % of eggs affected by chromosomal faults.

Good luck. It’s a crappy situation and unfortunately IVF is no silver bullet, but it can be successful. There are a lot of clinics that prescribe a one size fits all approach and it does matter which clinic you choose.

20% is good odds. I'd say go for it, and decide in advance with DH how many rounds you are going to try. They're giving you a 1 in 5 chance meaning they think that with 5 rounds of IVF, 1 of them may well work. My consultant (when I was 42...no previous children,issue was DH's sperm morphology etc) gave me a 1% chance and wouldn't put me forward for IVF with my own eggs. We did IUI. There was a waiting list as it was on the NHS. By the time I'd had 4 failed rounds of that I was 44, nearly 45. Went back to consultant to ask right, can we try IVF now? She was aghast, said no way would it work with my own eggs. She was saying 1%chance but in her head it was zero. She told me I'd be wasting my money and she couldn't put me forward for it. I went out of that appointment and immediately rang another consultant. He gave me similar odds but understood why I'd want to try with my own eggs (I wanted to be sure that I had done all I could). We had time for one round before my 45th birthday (the cut off point, they wouldn't do it after that). It worked first go, DD is now 16 months old.

...Best 5grand I ever spent! 😀 And doing nappies etc in my 40s... I love it.

It was ICSI IVF

@MuchTooTired

It could be worth DH following a boost sperm diet for at least 90 days (apparently that’s how long it takes to make sperm or something). My DH had a low sperm count and they were lazy swimmers, he followed a boost sperm diet and when we started ivf and they tested it, they actually asked him to do another sample as it was above average and miles away from the previous test they had on record for him.

Could you tell us more about his diet @MuchTooTired?

Has the doctor given you a copy of the actual medication and procedure schedule or is the process being difficult still a bit theoretical? If I was really on the fence, I would want to know if exactly what I was in for.

We didn’t end up needing IVF, but the procedures I did need had very strict protocols and there was no room for the person in there. It’s very much Z always happens on tuesdays at 9am, so you will do Y at 7am, and X at 3am, and the Friday before you will go and do W at 2pm, but you will also need to come in and get V done at 10:30 at the same location and it only takes 30 seconds and it’s not time related to W Or any of the rest of it but there is no way we can combine that so you don’t have to spend all day here. It was completely worth it to have our DD, but it was not easy, especially since most of those letters represent unpleasant procedures or drugs.

I had two rounds at 44, which is below the cut off where I live. I wasn't successful unfortunately, but I had really a good amount of eggs on the first try. Despite the outcome I don't regret it one bit. Do it!

We had to have icsi to conceive our second child but I was 35 not 41. Our first was conceived naturally. I know the chances are so much lower at that age that I would probably consider one try then move onto a donor embryo abroad.

Only you and your husband can decide. I’m guessing if IVF works first time for you, then you think it’s great. We are bracing ourselves for our 3rd cycle so we are somewhat less than positive about it! How much do you want this? IVF for a time does take over your life

I’m confused about your doctor saying 20% odds. I’m the same age as you and my fiancé’s sperm issues are less problematic that your husbands by the sound of it. But our odds are less than 10%

Cringing at the “why not adopt” posts. Serious lack of awareness there

Someone I know well was told he had a zero sperm count and is the doting father of 2, spontaneously conceived. Biggish age gap but nobody's bothered. You could be lucky again, but how would you both feel about donor sperm? You don't have a lot of time to play with at 41. You could match for physical characteristics.

Thank you all for this, it’s all been really, really helpful in getting me to work out what to do.

I think our odds of 20% (although so much was said in that appointment that I can’t be certain of it - but I’m pretty sure the doctor said that) came from the fact that have one child we conceived quickly.

DH and I haven’t talked about donor sperm. I don’t think he’d go for it. The fertility doctor kept saying there’d be “one good one” (sperm) in there and seemed more worried about my eggs, despite my tests being fine the last time I did them. He did recommend ICSI (in the follow up letter), so I think that’s why.

To those who recommended Dr Jonathan Ramsey, he does sound fantastic and I would really like DH to go and see him. I sent DH the information, but it prompted an argument with DH - who said he knows I’d like it to be something he can fix, but he can’t, and he thinks it’d be a waste of money. The fertility doctor we saw last week said DH can’t improve his count much, so DH has decided that either ISCI will work, or nothing will.

I am not sure if an appointment with Dr Ramsay will be worth it? It would cheaper than a round of ISCI! I would love any more advice from anyone who has seen him or heard good things?

I also had another question. The clinic we went to charges a lot for my day 2-4 tests, which it wants to repeat if we go ahead, to check FSH, LH, oestradiol, testosterone, SHBG, TSH and AMH levels. My last test was done on the nhs, but months ago and I don’t think I had all those things looked at. I don’t think the nhs will repeat the test for me. Can anyone recommend anywhere else I can do these tests for less? (It’s about £300 - if I’m reading the fee schedule right - at the clinic we’re currently speaking to.)

It might be worth emailing Dr Ramsey's clinic and see if they can give an opinion? Like I said I never used them but they were really helpful when I made enquiries

I have to say though it's bloody rude of your husband to be like that. iVf is a very easy process for him (wank in a pot, done) for you it's endless injections, tests, internal scans. Has he actually realised this and how unfair he is being?

Ps it might be worth asking specifically on the infertility boards. I never stepped out of them when I was trying to conceive but they're full of wise, wonderful, experienced women

@talkalarm

It might be worth emailing Dr Ramsey's clinic and see if they can give an opinion? Like I said I never used them but they were really helpful when I made enquiries

I have to say though it's bloody rude of your husband to be like that. iVf is a very easy process for him (wank in a pot, done) for you it's endless injections, tests, internal scans. Has he actually realised this and how unfair he is being?

Thank you - I will contact his office!

Yes that’s what I explained to DH. It’s going to be so much on my body - surely one more try for him is worth it?! But I think it made him feel defensive. I don’t know. It’s the first real argument we’ve had about this.

I will try the infertility boards, thank you! I really need the advice of more wise women like the ones I’ve already encountered here.

I can't remember exactly we paid for tests however I'd stick with doing it with the one clinic. If they screw up the drugs then you don't want them pointing the finger that the lab results are wrong.

They might not even accept a different labs tests for the same reason.

@Bobsyer

I have no experience of this OP, but if it were me, no I wouldn't go ahead.

If it never happens, then you're a lot of £ down and have probably gone through lots of angst and upset. But you'll have missed really enjoying those years with your existing child.

Easy for me to say I know, but I'd say enjoy the child you do have, don't pine for the child that you might have. Try and make your peace with it

I think that is very sensible, Bobsyer.

I agree with @Bobsyer too

@Plumtree391 @Bobsyer
It's easy to say don't bother trying, go clear out your cupboards, move on, forget it.
Except your forgetting the minute a couple decides to TTC they start forming that child in their minds. Picturing two children playing together, filling the car, living life as a family of four. They need to grief and accept that child is never going to happen.

Can the Op and her DH live with the "what if" we'd tried, maybe it would have happened. If they try IVF and it doesn't work its easier to accept we gave it our best shot. At 41 she doesn't have time to dither.

The £5k for IVF is a lot but at the same time some would blow that on a holiday without thinking about it.

If you can comfortable afford IVF I'd give it one try.

You're young enough.

There is 6 years between my DC they're getting close this year, 6 years later.

You might be lucky with IVF.
If not at least you gave it a shot.
Good luck.

@EL8888 just popped on here to say I had four rounds of IVF and our miracle has just started university!

I wish everyone on the IVF journey all the very best.

Only you can decide what you want to and will ultimately do …
My only insight is that you already have a child to love and nurture. Anything that distracts you from your existing child will detract from your relationship with your existing child.
If you spend your emotional, hormonal and physical energies on A N Other, yet to be conceived, child you will not have those energies to love, comfort, guide and raise your existing child.
Sometimes the life we have is the life we overlook.
Good luck with your decision
x

You make good points, LockDownBear, but I didn't think the op and her husband had decided to try to conceive yet.

Good luck to them whatever happens.

@Plumtree391 second paragraph of her first post, they've been TTC for 3 years and went to see fertility Doc today.
They need to give it their best shot or it will niggle away forever that maybe they should have tried IVF.