Would you support an elderly parent with their health/care needs if you felt they had neglected you as a child.

[wobblywinelover]

Do we rise above it and be 'good people' and help our elderly parents who are vulnerable because they are our parents, or do we remember the shit they gave us growing up when we were vulnerable and some of the difficulties which arise in adulthood thereof (some of which have majorly impacted your life...) This is assuming you're still in contact with them and have been able to maintain a relationship with them

YABU - yes support them whatever
YANBU- no, they've made your life difficult so why should you help them now

Oh that's so tough and so personal OP.
I guess it all hinges on the relationship and feelings you have now?

I still have resentful feelings but I don't want to get into specifics. I was hoping it might be a question which could be fairly easily answerable in some sense. Maybe it's just not that easily quantifiable. I don't know..

Very difficult.i would say it's possibly dependent on the circs of what the parent is suffering, and the nature of the experience of neglect. On balance, I would say I would not make contact/ support. That's not said with judgement attached, so please no flaming (though I've my tin hat at the ready). Tough to say for sure though?

Should you even be having these feelings of 'tit for tat'. I know it's not healthy but my family situation was/is not healthy. I'd be interested to know others thoughts on this.

I should say the above position is not coming from a place of vindication or malice or whatever the word is, it's just that sometkmes life is messy, and you might just need to focus on your own needs. Not out of selfishness, just out of needing to. Hope that makes sense.

Cross post sorry op x

Depends what it is they need. I wouldn't do personal care myself for example, but I'd find the money to make sure they'd be well looked after. So I'd not tit for tat, and two wrongs don't make a right. But I'd protect myself emotionally and not get too close

I think care for elderly parents can have the potential to be a huge sacrifice to someone’s life. I’ve seen it with my aunt and grandparents (my own dad did not help much).
I am really very reluctant to make that kind of sacrifice to my life for parents that have been emotionally neglectful my entire life and really let me down during periods where I really needed help. It’s not so much a tit for tat / revenge thing but more that I’m not prepared to make such a huge sacrifice for people who have treated me the way they have.

Interesting responses. Sometimes elderly parents can become very 'childlike' in their needs and demands which was part of my reasoning for my OP. They become vulnerable, but we were vulnerable once too right?.. I am thinking this might become more of a discussion rather than an aibu thing. It's a difficult thing to put a black or white response on but still a valid debate/discussion

For me my DC and DH matter most.

Should you even be having these feelings of 'tit for tat'

You can have whatever feelings you want, there’s no right or wrong. I haven’t answered the poll as I think there are a multitude of grey areas and questions. It depends entirely on level of need and expectations on their part, along with resources and willingness on yours.

In many cases it is absolutely possible to help without overburdening yourself, by setting boundaries and engaging other formal or informal help as appropriate. In others this won’t be the case.

I think this is too personal to give a sweeping view.

I adored my DF - but in retrospect he swanned off to travel and have fun overseas (for several years) when things were very bad at home and Social Services/Child Psych was involved. As an adult I can see that was extremely shoddy parenting and neglectful, even though I know he loved me very much. He became very ill in his 60s and I cared for him until his death. Despite the fact he did abandon me when I needed him, I'm still so grateful I had the chance to care for him. Although he was a selfish man he did love me. And he made me feel loved, even if he still went off gallivanting at a time of crisis for me.

In contrast, my DM made things a misery when I was growing up and I left home at 17. She is a very difficult person with all kinds of emotional and psychological shortcomings. Over the years she has acted very badly in many ways and I have been SO close to going NC. My DB is NC with her.

And yet.....I'm now 45 and I think time and maturity has given me new perspectives. I actually think she's autistic but not diagnosed, and has no insight into how she is. The thing about my DM is that amongst some truly terrible things she has done, I think she means well. And I think her own actions have made her life a car-crash - and I have some empathy with her for that. She's never managed genuinely close, loving relationships with people - she's married (she divorced my DF when I was very young) but her marriage isn't close or loving. I feel sorry for her because she's missed out on so much by being the way she is.

And here's the weird thing. I'm about to buy a house with her - she's going to live in the annexe, and I'll have the main house. She's disabled so I'll be nearby if she needs anything. I work F/T and I've got two autistic DC who I home educate so I have my hands full - but I also want to make sure she's feeling reassured and safe in her twilight years. And actually, I'm now at a point where I'd be devastated to lose her. I've had some frank conversations with her about how difficult she is - and the problems her behaviours cause. I really can't emphasise enough she has been AWFUL in the past, I felt traumatised by her parenting for many, many years and my difficulties with anxiety and panic now are undoubtedly in part due to her. But weirdly - and I don't know how - I've reached some kind of peace with it all.

My DF died before any of us were diagnosed as autistic but he used to tell me to try and understand her. He was a fiery, tempestuous, chaotic individual who didn't suffer fools gladly - but somehow he saw past DM's difficult exterior and he always urged me to do the same. I never could before - and he died 8 years ago now - but I don't know.....something has changed. I feel OK about things. But as I say, that's such a personal decision there's no "right" answer - you have to do what feels right for you. Listen to your instincts.

I will help with logistical and administrative issues, paperwork, hiring caregivers, etc. I won’t provide personal care.

@wobblywinelover

Should you even be having these feelings of 'tit for tat'. I know it's not healthy but my family situation was/is not healthy. I'd be interested to know others thoughts on this.

Those feeling aren't healthy FOR YOU. But maybe supporting them isn't either.

For me it would depend if they were useless and crap or actively harmful. Many parents are a bit shit. Actively abusive I wouldn't help.

And the level of support is important. Time limited support to find care, I would almost always. Personal care ongoing, absolutely not.

Unless I absolutely loathed them, which it sounds like you don't, since you maintained a relationship with them, I couldn't abandon them, but if our relationship had never been good because of their choices and actions, I wouldn't sacrifice my own day-to-day happiness for their sake. I'd try to strike a balance that I personally could live with, because ultimately that's all the matters. You don't have to care what anyone else thinks, because no-one else knows your experience or has had to walk in your shoes.

There are lots of different ways you could help and it would be very reasonable to pick something that isn't giving more than you can spare. For example, you might not wish to do personal care for someone, but you could be quite willing to advocate on their behalf for the support they need. You could be a visitor to give something to look forward to in the week. It depends how much you can give freely before it affects your own wellbeing and family. And if there is nothing you can give without significant personal detriment, then that's understandable too.

I wouldn't, but then I wouldn't do aged care for my mum either and I love her very much (even if I could which I can't, I live on the other side of the world). I also wouldn't expect my child to do this for me. If I lived nearby I would be happy to help out, but that's all. Maybe that makes me selfish, or perhaps I just know what I am , and am not capable of, and I just couldn't do personal care for my mum, we would both hate it.

I guess I look at it in terms of the actual relationship rather than any preconceived sense of obligation or desire to punish them for past behaviour. For me I have no bond or connection at all so I don’t feel any need to provide them with any care or assistance. It’s not actually about making them pay for what they did, it’s simply the natural consequence of not having a normal relationship means there’s no happy childhood memories or special bond or feelings of love or sense of concern for their wellbeing.

While I wouldn’t go out of my way to make any problems for them, and if they asked for assistance I would make a few calls to point them in the right direction, I also don’t feel the need to help either. My obligation is to help my own children and our elderly family who cared for us in the past and really do need support rather than play some caretaker role for people I know really nothing about and who are basically strangers that I have no feelings towards.

For me personally the parent who neglected me and continues to this day to be abusive and manipulative, will never receive care from me. We have no contact and It would be a cold day in hell before I put myself out in anyway to make their lives easier. I don't care if that makes it tit for tat. The olive branch has been extended far too many times.

I think it depends on the circumstances, whether the neglect was because of a parent who had too much on their plate through no fault of their own or whether the parent prioritised other stuff, or people, at the expense of one or more of their kids.

I also think you have to consider what you're able for. Even with a parent who was good to you, there would be a question of how much of your own life you were willing to sacrifice to care for them, and whether they would even want that. I will be blooming raging if one of my daughters once quite her job to look after me - I didn't just do two years worth of corona homeschool for them to end up wiping my bum for no money! But even if your parent would want you to do the care, also consider, it's a stressful job, and you will have a lot of feelings coming up from your own childhood- a stranger might be better able to do that job than you.

For me, it comes down to "I'm a good person, even if they're not." And a bit of "I can do this part now, so I will." I like to see my dad and his house clean and tidy and to be sure someone (usually but not always me) looks in on him every day. My brother has done personal care when needed. So far, we're managing.

I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother (neglected by dad). I decided to rise above it all and nurse them at the end, being the bigger person, etc. What an idiot. It was physically, emotionally and financially crippling. I ended up with PTSD. It might be best to arrange qualified carers and visit when it suits you. (Or not.)

Btw, my mother did not “mellow” at the end. The only good thing that came out of this was that she lost her filters completely and everyone else could see the way she spoke to and about me - instead of being sneaky.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Are you asking a moral or a practical question? Overall, society thinks we have a duty to "care'" for the elderly and infirm in general and our own family in particular. This makes it difficult not to feel bad about ignoring them. I've known people with every reason to avoid their parents who were then wracked with guilt about doing so. I would recommend that you do not take any responsibility for provision of care,household help or dealing with business,arranging appointments etc. Do not accept appointment as an attorney. It is perfectly reasonable that you avoid all these things. Even if you are on good terms, that does not make you morally liable to work for them as an unpaid housekeeper/carer/p.a. These are all things people are paid to do,not part of filial piety and moral duty. Moral duty does extend to contacting GP or Adult Social Services if need be and arguably to subsidising paid help if need be. If they are housebound or in a care home then phoning or,if you live nearby,visiting once a week and at birthdays or other holidays you celebrate, puts you into the category of doing the right thing. If they are not lucid, you phone to enquire after them and to thank the staff for looking after them. In practical terms, diarise,keep to the agenda, and eat frogs. Coincide visits with those of someone else to make it easier. I know people who phone on Sunday evenings,but have spent the whole weekend with a feeling of dread leading up to it. Far better to phone as soon as you get home on Friday,before you take your coat off. Have a list of things to speak about before you ring or visit.

I've re thought my approach to DM over the years. My realization was thinking about the fact that I will most likely live longer than her. Once she's gone, I want to be able to live with myself. What I do now, I do for myself IYSWIM.

So when she is an arsehole, selfish, says horrible things, lies, manipulates me, I call her out immediately but for now stay in contact.

That could still change depending on how awful she gets as she ages further.

I certainly will never do personal care and there should be no reason to pay either since she has a paid off house she can sell. I'd have to deal with hospital, carers paperwork and advocacy etc. Assuming I can do that and not have it take over my life of course.