I’m in this situation right now. In fact I wrote about it on another thread this week. It’s extremely difficult. My parents were not horribly abusive in the way that some were. I’ve read accounts on MN which make me feel incredibly lucky for the childhood I had and selfish for feeling the way I do, but nor were they loving and kind towards me. It was quite clear that they did not want to be parents – and in recent years they have spoken openly about this to me. Mum was desperate for a baby but hated the reality. Dad never wanted to indulge this anyway but went along on the understanding that me would have nothing to do with “it” (me). He had two dc from a previous marriage and felt that he was done. He is much closer to them and refers to them (in front of me) as his “true family”. I actually have a great relationship with my two siblings but they leave all the care to me as my mum is not their mum (their mum is dead).
My dad has demonstrated two emotions to me, my entire life – indifference and anger. Basically not taking an interest in me at all, until I did something he didn’t like and then he would explode. He has twice been physically abusive (I was an older teen both times), most of the rest of it is verbal/emotional and continues to this day. Mum also didn’t seem to take much interest and she defended him against some truly despicable actions. I never thought I would forgive her for this but in recent years I’ve come to realise that while defending some actions, she was also shielding me from other ugly truths about my father. I had a period of going nc with both of them but eventually relented and let them back in my life and I think that shocked my mum into trying a bit harder and I now have a relationship of sorts with her.
Unfortunately they are still together. I feel I’d gladly go nc with my dad forever but it’s difficult when I want a relationship with mum. He’s also turned his verbal attacks on her in recent years and I want to protect her. Right now they are living with me. Dad has had an op and mum begged me to let them move in so I could help with his care while he recovers. He’s also terminally ill. I’ve been offering care and assistance for almost two years and it has been incredibly hard but right now, with them in my house, it is more intense than ever. I am trying to rise above everything and care for him but he is still as challenging as ever and I’m utterly exhausted, physically and mentally. Others upthread have mentioned people having nervous breakdowns and/or PTSD after caring for elderly parents and I can see this happening to me.
Sololsland I’m genuinely sorry to hear of your situation and hope you are able to make peace with yourself. Remember that it takes two to tango and although what happened to your mother was tragic, she also had every opportunity to extend the olive branch to you. Do not place all the guilt on yourself. A few years ago, I had a similar situation. My dad was in an accident and as soon as I heard, I fell apart in grief, guilt and panic. I too rushed to be there and my dad made a recovery. But things didn’t change at all after that. If anything, they are now worse. Obviously your situation might have turned out differently – we are all different and our experiences and opportunities are unique to us.
I had been quite open at work about my bad relationship with my dad and the fact I was attending counselling to deal with issues in the past. When he had the accident, my boss could not understand my turnaround. She said that I was milking the situation and didn’t need any time off to see him (parents are 100s of miles from me), nor to deal with the situation as I had previously made it obvious that I didn’t care. I was also turned down for a promotion around that time and the reasons were that I was unreliable and potentially dishonest (citing the way I spoke about my father pre- and post accident) and that I clearly had unresolved issues whereas they wanted a clear-headed thinker. I moved from that job asap afterwards and made a point of not airing my personal issues in my new/current post at all. Then when dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I fell apart again. It hit me really hard and my employers were great at being understanding. It’s a double-edged sword though. I’m massively struggling at work right now – I’m in a senior management position with loads of responsibility and it’s a particularly busy and crucial time of year but because I have DPs living with me, and they are incredibly demanding, as well as just feeling utterly run down and shitty with the constant negativity, abuse and arguments from and with my dad, I’m not functioning at work and I can’t really explain to anyone why not.
It's a weird situation to be in. I often think that I’ll be relieved when he dies and all of this will be over, but whenever he comes close (we’ve had two points in the past 18 months when we’ve been summoned to the hospital but he has rallied), I’ve utterly overwhelmed with emotion. Spending any time together (and there is a lot of it at the moment) just reminds me of what a horrible person he is and of some terrible moments in my childhood so the more time we spend together, the more I spent with dark thoughts and then I resent caring for him, but also can’t leave my mum to deal with it alone. On the other hand, neither of them offered me any kind of support growing up. I had to constantly fend for myself and it does stick in my throat that they want so much from me now. I also had to care for my grandparents over a 10+ year period because my mother didn't want to do it - they moved far away and left this to me. I feel that I've been caring for others all my adult life and just want some kind of life for myself now. Yet I still feel utterly selfish even writing this down.