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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you support an elderly parent with their health/care needs if you felt they had neglected you as a child.

104 replies

wobblywinelover · 15/09/2021 01:19

Do we rise above it and be 'good people' and help our elderly parents who are vulnerable because they are our parents, or do we remember the shit they gave us growing up when we were vulnerable and some of the difficulties which arise in adulthood thereof (some of which have majorly impacted your life...) This is assuming you're still in contact with them and have been able to maintain a relationship with them

YABU - yes support them whatever
YANBU- no, they've made your life difficult so why should you help them now

OP posts:

Thethuthinang · 15/09/2021 05:25

My dad was horrid throughout life. Now he's horrid with dementia. No resources. No family. Only me and this woman whose property he lives on and who tolerates his abuse. I stop by and visit. I should initiate a guardianship proceeding. Get him into a memory care unit. Something. I just...don't move on it. I can't summon the energy to subject myself to his rage. I just don't have it in me.

RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 05:32

If you didn't have a good relationship between your childhood and when they got ill, then taking care of them is going to drive you into the ground. So you mustn't do it for your own mental well-being.

Even people who had good relationships with the elderly they are caring for are driven into the ground by caring responsibilities. I know someone who had a breakdown because of this.

If you are going to hang around as a relative and do admin you need to be strong enough to tell their GP, adult social services, etc that you are unable to help them more as you will have pressure applied on you to do more.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 15/09/2021 05:43

For me, it depends on the reasons for their poor parenting.

I'd be more sympathetic to parents who were struggling for some reason - financial difficulties, depression, divorce, disability for example - than parents who were wilfully neglectful or cruel.

It would also depend what help they needed now - big difference between asking you to give them a lift to an appointment or change a lightbulb, or visit daily to offer cooking, cleaning or personal care.

It would also depend on how our relationship had progressed in the intervening years and my current relationship with them.

It would also depend on my own family situation. If you're working full time, raising four children and caring for a disabled partner you're going to be less supportive of an elderly parent than someone with more time on their hands.

PurpleOkapi · 15/09/2021 05:55

Each person's situation is too different for there to be one right answer for everyone. But I think, after they're gone, there's a good chance you'd regret not helping them. I don't think there's much chance you'd regret helping them. So in those cases, even from a purely selfish standpoint, you'd be better off helping them.

SimplySteveRedux · 15/09/2021 06:01

My parents neglected and abused me for years, they can run to my golden child sibling for help.

SimplySteveRedux · 15/09/2021 06:07

If I get some accountability, respect, understanding and an apology then I might change my stance (and hell might freeze). Parents in their 70's, one bedbound with significant issues and has been for years. I've thought of sending them a letter but why open up that old vulnerability again and expose myself to more pain. I have PTSD, CPTSD, GAD from their actions and still suffering in my 40s and likely will be for life as zero closure.

Bakingtraypan · 15/09/2021 06:08

I think as a minimum work on forgiving her - for your own benefit. It’s tough though, the parent who was a bit shit is still there and the glimpses become harder to take the older I get. I moved away, I could not and would not care for her, I can’t spend much time with her at all, a chat on the phone is as much as I can give and still remain whole.

Toodlydoo · 15/09/2021 06:18

Mine gave me GAD and CPTSD which affected my life for decades. I have to try really bloody hard at everything, it’s coloured everything. When I was vulnerable they were abusive so I feel absolutely no obligation to help them. If they weren’t my parents and just people I knew who were horrible to me would I have devoted years of my own life to caring for them? No I bloody wouldn’t.

I think the world runs on women doing “the right thing” even to their own detriment.

MondeoFan · 15/09/2021 06:21

I've been thinking about this very thing too.

I have a difficult relationship with my parents, they are in their early 70's with no health issues as such.

They are not interested in my 2 DD's. So not interested in their grandchildren. When they phone they don't even ask about them. It's as if they don't exist. My eldest DD has left school this year and started college. They don't even know or care. They send £10 for birthday and Xmas which I feel is out of duty. It has made me angry and resentful.
Because of that I don't feel I can care for them when elderly or ill health.
They have never cuddled me or told me they loved me so why should I bend over backwards to help them?

Since Covid I've seen them 3 times. When dropping off birthday presents/Father's Day etc. I'm not allowed in the house incase I have Covid.
They only live 25 minutes away.

chantico · 15/09/2021 06:24

I think it depends on whether you are a good person, or want to be seen as a 'good person' (as in the one ending post) or actually don't care about that sort of stuff.

Kanaloa · 15/09/2021 06:24

I don’t know. I think when the time comes I will do what I need to to satisfy my own conscience and no more.

So, for example, if my mil got very ill (god forbid) or when she’s really elderly, I would be totally happy for her to move into our house if possible, I would not mind helping with personal care, I would try to make her time as pleasant and happy as possible.

With my parents I will organise carers or a care setting if necessary. I couldn’t sacrifice any of my life pleasures for them, I know they wouldn’t and haven’t done so for me. So I wouldn’t be running round after them to any great extent, but would ensure their needs were met.

happinessischocolate · 15/09/2021 06:36

This is what I'm trying to do with my DM. If she had her way I'd be there 24/7 at her beck and call, despite the fact that she never helped me with my DC, she was far too busy for that, even when I was totally struggling on my own. I do what I can when I can, but I am trying not to be manipulated into doing more. It's amazing how manipulative an elderly person with dementia can be.

Stircraazy · 15/09/2021 06:37

What often happens is that the parent's health detiorates and the demands increase drastically.
On top of that nothing you do seems enough to them as they are old, bored, perhaps in pain, depressed feel deserving of care.
Make some rules like, a one day a week visit, arrange other helpers but don't take it on yourself. Rather than doing what they think you should do.
Doing nothing can make you feel very guilty. Can you live with that?

Patapouf · 15/09/2021 06:48

Children don't owe their parents care, even if the parents did a wonderful job looking after them as children.
If I'd been neglected I'd have zero good will to make me want to sacrifice my time to care for an elderly parent who doesn't even deserve it.

Don't feel guilty if you don't want to do it OP.

SimplySteveRedux · 15/09/2021 06:51

@chantico

I think it depends on whether you are a good person, or want to be seen as a 'good person' (as in the one ending post) or actually don't care about that sort of stuff.

I don't give a flying fuck what the extended family think of me. As for your good person bollocks, if they'd been decent non-abusive parents I'd be inclined to help them.

cptartapp · 15/09/2021 07:26

Isn't this what we 'scrimp and save for all our lives'. To buy in care as needed to ensure we are safe and healthy in our old age. Taxis, gardeners, cleaners, carers. Not to expect our busy adult DC with lives, jobs and families of their own to run round after us. History of neglect or not.

Artdecolover · 15/09/2021 07:27

I do what I do for my mother because of who I am, not because of who she is.

Greenmarmalade · 15/09/2021 07:32

My mum has this with her parent. She does the bare minimum to arrange care and sort out things as necessary, but only minimal visits and contact.

One friend has cut all ties and will not be helping, because her parent was so incredibly abusive it would be potentially very damaging for her to care for him.

Artdecolover · 15/09/2021 07:33

...and I have my lines in the sand of what i will and will not do.

It's very difficult when your siblings do not step up. It very often falls to one child.

I'm lucky in a way. Mum has money to buy in help if needed and has already preemptively moved into a ground floor flat.

Sadly, the crisis in social care will mean many, many women will end up looking after elderly relatives. There won't be any hospital beds and no carers to attend at home.

Greenmarmalade · 15/09/2021 07:33

@Artdecolover that’s powerful. I’ll mention that to my mum- definitely reflects her situation too.

Bakingtraypan · 15/09/2021 07:33

And bollocks to the guilt - my mother would never be happy - no matter what I did she’d want more or someone else’s mother was treated far better - I know this, and trying to make her happy would make me and my family miserable. She feels she’s owed - I suggested a home but she feels she shouldn’t have to when she has so many kids. To be honest - the way she has behaved - she’s lucky her grown up kids speak to her at all. I’ll deal with the guilt if I have any, when she’s dead - it’ll be easier than dealing with her when she’s alive.

DemBonesDemBones · 15/09/2021 07:33

I wasn't able to stay in contact but even if I had I don't think I'd be able to do this. Such a tough decision.

Artdecolover · 15/09/2021 07:37

[quote Greenmarmalade]@Artdecolover that’s powerful. I’ll mention that to my mum- definitely reflects her situation too.[/quote]
Yes. A friend said it to me after I'd had a particularly trying time with mum.

She was so very angry and bitter after my dad died. It was awful.

Mum wasn't abusive. She just didn't enjoy being a mum. And it showed. I'm 50 next year and I cannot remember her ever hugging me. Ever.

Sad, really.

Artdecolover · 15/09/2021 07:39

I won't have any guilt.
It's such a corrosive emotion. And 9 times out of 10 it's misplaced.
I know I've done my best for mum. I continue to do so.

Bakingtraypan · 15/09/2021 07:39

Mum has help - cleaner twice a week, carers twice a day, and someone to make her dinner - but she isn’t happy - she’s lonely, she could pick up the phone but what she really wants is attention - shame she didn’t give us much of that when we were growing up! And as for the sibling who does most of the caring - their choice not mine and I won’t feel bad about that.

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