Would you support an elderly parent with their health/care needs if you felt they had neglected you as a child.

[wobblywinelover]

Do we rise above it and be 'good people' and help our elderly parents who are vulnerable because they are our parents, or do we remember the shit they gave us growing up when we were vulnerable and some of the difficulties which arise in adulthood thereof (some of which have majorly impacted your life...) This is assuming you're still in contact with them and have been able to maintain a relationship with them

YABU - yes support them whatever
YANBU- no, they've made your life difficult so why should you help them now

Please, make peace. Whatever has happened, make peace.

I was alienated from my mother.... long story,,,,and one day there came the knock at the door. Police telling me she had been knocked down by a car and was in hospital. Sixty miles away.

By the time I got there she was dead. Even many years after, tears flowing here.

Please, make peace. It is too late after. That feeling is appalling IF ONLY.. Wherever any fault lies? Make peace.

And render to no man evil for evil is a very wise maxim.

@wobblywinelover

Tough one. I would normally say - for the vast majority of situations - that to take the high road and do the right thing is the way to go always.

But something you said striked a chord for me. You mentioned the elderly parent beingn vulnerable and you mention the neglect a child was suffering while being vulnerable.
It s not tit for tat. It s karma for the elderly parent. You rip what you saw.

So to answer your question @wobblywinelover you must do what YOU feel would make you happy: is it doing a good deed? Or is it building and living your life away from them with the help of therapists - if you feel the need for them?

Whatever YOU decide for YOU will be the right decision.

Good luck

@SoloISland

Please, make peace. Whatever has happened, make peace.

I was alienated from my mother.... long story,,,,and one day there came the knock at the door. Police telling me she had been knocked down by a car and was in hospital. Sixty miles away.

By the time I got there she was dead. Even many years after, tears flowing here.

Please, make peace. It is too late after. That feeling is appalling IF ONLY.. Wherever any fault lies? Make peace.

And render to no man evil for evil is a very wise maxim.

Are you assuming making peace changes anything? I get it from a personal perspective, forgive for yourself not for them. But this is not a misunderstanding, or an argument over one issue. Years of neglect and abuse does not stop when you make peace - they keep prodding that stick where it hurts. Protect yourself which ever way you can.

Bollocks to the “good person” and “making peace” stuff.

I’m a good person who’s life has been ruined by terrible parenting. I’m getting back on track in my fifties after lots of therapy. I set clear boundaries with my father and help within those. He can never live with me, nor I care for him, and that’s because of him, not me.

It’s very much not your duty to look after an abusive parent.

Agree with @Bakingtraypan , making contact would just flare my PTSD, PTSD, GAD. If she picked up the phone and was accountable and sorry I'd let bygones be bygones but the narcissistic woman she is that will never happen.

@Artdecolover

I do what I do for my mother because of who I am, not because of who she is.

Agree with PPs about the power of this statement. I kept minimal contact with my Mother and have no regrets, there is no easy answer OP though.

I've been there with my father. My mother( they were divorced) also helped him much to the fury of my siblings. They asked how she could after all he had done to her and us.
She said" That was in the past and I cant change the past, but I can do something now and make his future easier". So she did. He died in December but we were there at least.

From personal experience, yes. My mother didn't neglect us in the sense of leaving us to starve etc, but she was a very hands-off mother and there were all sorts of occasions when she just wasn't there for me or was actively critical of me. However, when she had a stroke and subsequently developed dementia I supported her just because I don't think I could have lived with myself if I'd just left her to it.

Everything my siblings do, is done because they don't want to feel guilt, they float between denial and anger = denial to get them through the caring, anger at Mum for not being a better parent and anger at the siblings who won't help - so much so that I have gone no contact with all my siblings bar one. Toxic family relationships - no surprise with toxic parenting...protect yourself - in these dynamics no one else cares.

@SoloISland

Please, make peace. Whatever has happened, make peace.

I was alienated from my mother.... long story,,,,and one day there came the knock at the door. Police telling me she had been knocked down by a car and was in hospital. Sixty miles away.

By the time I got there she was dead. Even many years after, tears flowing here.

Please, make peace. It is too late after. That feeling is appalling IF ONLY.. Wherever any fault lies? Make peace.

And render to no man evil for evil is a very wise maxim.

I'm really sorry that you regret your estrangement, but your situation is unique to you and you can't tell others how to handle their situation. Peace comes in many forms and is different for everyone. Some people get it from not having contact with their abusive parents and that's perfectly ok.

Some people die alone because they have spent their lives alienating everyone around them. Someone will look after them or how do childless people manage. No one has a right to care and love from family in their old age if they themselves have done nothing but spread misery.

I know someone who was largely NC with a parent. That parent died alone despite having 3 children. All the children were content with their decision despite being caring people themselves. Sometimes you do reap what you sow.

There was a heartbreaking thread the other day about a woman who had parents who emigrated when she was 17, and gave her no support emotional or financial. If people like that decided they needed help when they are old and infirm, why should their daughter forget the neglect and put herself out to help them.

You make your bed, and you lie in it

The Stately Homes threads (in chat) deal with all these issues btw.

From my personal experience, neither of my parents needed care, they both just lived fine, until they died. So don't worry too much until the situation rears it's head.

MIL has dementia and has carers in for personal care and dh running around to do and arrange everything else.

That is his choice.

People don't become better people just because they're old. They're still the same abusive pricks and often they use this opportunity to up their abuse of their adult children as they feel they have the power balance they had when they were children.

You care for your parents BECAUSE they cared for you. Not because they had unprotected sex.

Your children should be your priority.

I was neglected and beaten as a child by my mother. Our relationship was always difficult. When she was diagnosed with cancer I stepped up, but it was only because I knew her time was short. Had it been dementia and her needing to move in with me for years for example, I’d have not done it. As it were, she only lived for ten days after diagnosis and I’m glad I stepped up.

No I shall not be supporting my mum

I encourage her to ring doctors/go for appointments which she doesn’t so that’s her choice she neglects her health

I don’t feel I am a worse person for not doing so. She choose to neglect me and allowed me to be abused as a child and her selfishness has carried on and always will. I keep her at arms length as she is toxic

No guilt from me. I shall feel relief when she dies.

@chantico

I think it depends on whether you are a good person, or want to be seen as a 'good person' (as in the one ending post) or actually don't care about that sort of stuff.

I want to be a good person, but I'm not Jesus. I would rather look after people who I think are more deserving of my time and care, like my kids.

I went NC with my widowed mother and she has no other kids so I've pretty much given up on being seen as a good person by the people who know us. Fuck them, quite frankly - none of them wanted to help when it was abundantly clear how I was being abused by her as a child. They can sod right off.

You have to give a bit of context OP.

Is this about you?
Is this just a general discussion?
Is this for research?
What kind of shit was it?
Was abuse involved?

Your OP is too broad.

I won't be helping either of my parents. Financially, physically or emotionally.
They didn't help me, so why would I them?

I have a good relationship with my parents and I wouldn't do any personal care and nor do they want me to.

They pay for carers. I just visit. They live round the corner so I see them a lot. I'll do the odd GP appointment if needed but I work full time.

Really thought-provoking, compassionate thread. I quite like the advice upthread to swallow frogs. View it as an unpaid but unavoidable job, like a tax return.

I think I'll struggle a lot with this. I was at boarding school from very young and they've hurt me a lot since. My therapist ended up telling me to just try and keep my kids away from them. It's difficult to feel you owe frequent contact to people who were happy to leave you for weeks at a time, as a 10 year old.

Through covid I was happy to do stuff if they need it, but I avoided any non-essential socialising, I think I could do more practical stuff if they asked, but it's far trickier if they become unable to manage their own affairs and the help needed is more social/emotional. That sort of thing is harder to decouple from your relationship (or lack of).

From my experiences I have no intention of becoming my DMs carer in the future. I was scapegoated from a very young age and it never improved until the day I finally went NC. The worst part of it was she encouraged my siblings to see me the same way which has led to the three of us being estranged from each other. She also manipulated other family members against me by constantly badmouthing me behind my back.

She destroyed the family she had, it was her choice so she can hardly expect the child she hated to care for her in her dotage. Interestingly golden child brother is now estranged from her.

I have never felt part of my own family. I am and have always been the outsider. I am at peace with that. I wish her no ill but don't feel any obligation to her now.

They talked about this type of issue on women’s hour a while ago. I haven’t listened since April but I remember it was a really interesting and practical discussion. Definitely worth a listen.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000twt5

There was a good item on Radio 4 on this, Woman’s Hour I think. One suggestion was try to think of your parent as a generic older / vulnerable person, perhaps think of them by their first name rather than as mum / dad. It’s more straightforward to think ‘It would be kind to pick up some shopping for Betty’ than ‘Mum wants me to do yet another thing for her even though she wasn’t interested in my stuff when I was a kid’. It’s hard OP, good luck

Cross post @PurpleDaisies!!