Surrogacy makes me very uncomfortable

[HermioneKipper]

I was listening to Giovanna Fletcher’s podcast with H from Steps and hearing them talk about him using a surrogate for his twins made me feel very uncomfortable.

It’s essentially renting a woman’s body to buy a baby.

I understand the woman must’ve consented but she was paid and it doesn’t take into account the risk she was putting her body through. Pregnancy and childbirth is a huge strain on a woman’s body and she risks serious injury giving birth that she’ll have for life.

Even more so as she had twins which is even more dangerous.

And the babies taken away from their birth mother immediately. Who knows what harm it does to them.

It feels akin to the black market of buying and selling organs.

I know I have children so perhaps don’t have the right to comment but it doesn’t sit right with me.

I think there's two issues here: how surrogacy affects the infant and how it affects the surrogate mother.
*
In terms of the risk to health, the situation is bonkers.*

A surrogate mother who was shocked by a difficult delivery. I think when people have had straightforward pregnancies and births they don't realise that future ones won't necessarily be the same.

twitter.com/jenniferlahl/status/1440318897861709830?s=21

As the BBC are jumping on the pro-surrogacy bandwagon today I'm sharing this.

What happens when a surrogate mother is abused by commissioning parents? - Toni Bare

https://www.legalizesurrogacywhynot.com/toni-barre-story?mccid=4ff222089d&mcc_eid=4c6b37d78d

BBC Breakfast at 2h14

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000zxdr

Jesus that is fucking heartbreaking.

How this practice is allowed to continue is beyond me.

I saw the news earlier too - so biased and one-sided of the BBC! The BBC really does need to go now - no way should it be publicly funded anymore! It's a disgrace.

I'm going to complain. Again. I feel like I spend so much of my free time complaining to the BBC.

The 6 o clock news was mildly better at least as it did mention the law in a bit more detail, but BBC breakfast show a woman who was pregnant with her first surrogacy pregnancy and she had had a stillbirth (and had two sons). I just cannot fathom why anyone who'd think that was ok. No mention of whether she was going through an agency but you would hope that they wouldn't agree to putting a woman through that after losing a child. Just horrific.

How do you complain @OhHolyJesus and on what basis? Lack of impartiality? I'll complain too as you never know, they may eventually listen!

Here you go @JacquelineCarlyle

Lack of impartiality and I would say is breaches their public purpose to serve diverse communities - it doesn't serve the women who regret their surrogacy pregnancies (that could be a bit of a a stretch though, impartiality is the best value to use for criticism as well as truth, editorial integrity, accuracy, and maybe appropriate protection to vulnerable groups) from the Royal Charter.

www.bbc.co.uk/contact/complaints/make-a-complaint

Thank you @OhHolyJesus - will complain tomorrow.

That twitter post is heartrending. Poor woman, she didn't know what she was letting herself in for.

I have to say I do not understand people 'hiring' a surrogate and I do sympathise with those who have fertility problems; it's as if they have a 'right' to a child and surely nobody has that right.

How anyone can think that is isn't completely damaging to a child to be taken away from its mother at birth is beyond me.

"We have the same hair and we have the same eyes why did you give me away and keep them. 5 years old. And her connection is 'but we look alike mom why did you give me away' "

This is from a woman who was a surrogate mother who managed to secure some visitation rights to the child she made with her own eggs, for two men.

It's from 'Breeders' (on you tube), her name is Tanya and I was watching it again after thinking of this thread. Her little girl saw her half siblings and couldn't understand why they look different from their mother but she 'kept' them, but have her away, despite their shared similarities.

I quite agree, Frantic. A newborn baby 'knows' its mother and needs to be next to her, touching her.

Thinking about how babies for adoption were taken from mothers at birth which is now not (generally) done because of the problems it causes for the child, yet it is assumed to be OK for surrogate babies! Poor little scraps.

Surrogacy is weird and horrible, it stems from people believing they have a right to a child at all costs. Nobody has that right.

Interesting discussion from Hey Reprotech. There's no logic. Just bending and disguising of the truth to fit the narrative.

Why do we feel bad for some people cut off from bio-parents but not others??*

Sep 21

Three people stand before you. One had a biological parent die before they were born. A second had a biological parent abscond before they were born. A third was conceived using an anonymous donor.
Recently, in a Facebook forum, a donor-conceived person asked why we acknowledge loss and feel empathy in the first two scenarios but seldom in the last.

https://www.heyreprotech.com/p/why-do-we-feel-bad-for-some-people-5a9?r=3qvki&utmcampaign=post&utmmmedium=email&utmsource=copy

That's very good, FannyCann. I wish it was published all over the place, everywhere. It might deter people from hiring surrogate mothers.

lockdownbear, sorry for the late response.

Because of a fuck up, I didn't actually live with my 'intended' parents until I was four months old.

I went to live with this little old lady, who had months to bond with me, but who was also taken away from me. She was heartbroken.

As someone who has been the child. I would never offer to be a surrogate because I know how that child MAY feel. It's too much of a gamble.

On the other hand, my hurt goes out to those who cannot have children. I always wanted children, so goodness knows how I would feel if I was unable to.

I've never felt like a whole person. There are a lot of issues regarding my identity.. A lot!

Anyway, I hope I haven't moaned too much, and I really hope I haven't offended anyone.

I believe we all have a right to know our roots, and where we belong. I was denied that right. And, yes, I'm bitter. Because it seems like everyone else got their fulfilment, 'cept me.

You poor thing, Noname. That is so sad.

Of course you have the right to know from whence you came. Pardon my asking but why can you not find out?

@Nonamenolabel thank you for that perspective. I am sure that little old lady thinks of you (or did depending on if she is still alive). Caretakers do bond with children and children with their caretakers as a survival tactic, but as you mention, knowing your roots seems to be a universal need for a human's sense of self. Of course, there will always be children who cannot (or should not) be raised by their bio parents or even bio family. We as a society need to take great care in how the child may feel and do our best to consider their long-term needs. Infertility can feel tragic and I think we can both share empathy for parents who'd hoped for a bio connection as well as share empathy for children who have needs we cannot overlook when discussing the ethics of surrogacy. It's not an easy discussion and it is painful, I don't deny that at all.

Plumtree, it is sad. I think because everyone else's feelings were at the forefront, except for mine.

I do not believe there were malicious intentions to begin with, but that soon changed..

My bio mother passed, when I was young. I have never met my father. He does not want to be found.

I'm sorry, nonameolabel, I feel sad on your behalf. Your poor mother, dying not long after you were born. It's a great shame there weren't any loving relatives around who would have welcomed you.

Never mind about your father, he made his choice and he's the loser.

When you have your own children one day, you'll love them to bits. I know I did my one child.