To be pissed the vicar wanted me dead?

[emmskie03]

I always knew that that paternal grandparents were not happy about my illegitimate birth (in the 80's). I've recently found out that my mother's vicar (CofE but fairly high church I guess) suggested she would be better off aborting.

I'm fuming. I don't know why but I'm am seriously angry. My OH suggested that there was conflict between my rage and my pro choice beliefs I.e. I said I'm pissed the vicar wanted me dead but he suggested this was a bit iffy in regard to abortion rights.

Am I unreasonable to think that the fact that my mother wanted me (and was pretty vulnerable) means it's sod all to do with that and everything to do with the fact that the vicar didn't like the non traditional parent set up so thought it would be better I didn't exist?

@LynetteScavo

So someone you don't know suggested to your mother there might be another way forward than continuing with her pregnancy, and you take that as THE VICAR WANTED ME DEAD. You seem to be taking this very personally.

Have you ever thought someone might be best off not continuing with a pregnancy? If they went ahead and had the baby, so you consider yourself to wish that baby/child/eventually adult dead?

Your head seems quite confused.

This basically sums up what I'm thinking. You're going a bit OTT about it. This was a pregnancy, not a baby, and it was a suggestion, not an order.

There's always fucking one 🙄

OP your partner is correct, you are not as pro-choice as you think. The vicar didn't do anything wrong, he was advising your mother with what he/she thought was your mother's best interest in mind. By being so angry you are saying that the right to exist of the foetus is more important than the best interests of the mother. Your mother clearly didn't follow the suggestion, so I don't get why you are so annoyed.

A vicar should not have even thought that much less said it.
Your Mum sounds wonderful and so do you!

Is it possible for you to view this from the point of view of compassion for your mother? To focus on whether her pregnancy was wanted or unwanted? Then whether she found guidance and support that helped her? Then whether she was able to make the right decision for her? Then whether she had the support she needed with the pregnancy, birth and baby? That seems to me to be what is really important about this story.

'You' really weren't a part of this, until after you were born. Different sperm and there'd have been no 'you' either. Hard to complain about that. Unless you believe in souls that float around looking for homes in new babies (a very esoteric form of religious belief), there was no prior 'you' to be affected by your mother's decision. You only developed because she decided to continue with her pregnancy - and that pregnancy went well, no disabling birth complications, adequate infant nutrition and care etc.

We can all ponder the extraordinary unlikelihood of the particular sperm and particular egg that made us, meeting and developing into a person. How it isn't that we would have been different otherwise but that we would not have existed, someone else would. The likelihood of any one of us existing is infinitesimally small.

It was a long time ago, a different time with different values, and he may have been offering advice he thought was in your DM’s best interests.

If this is new information to you you’re entitled to be shocked, but raging about it is pointless- he didn’t “want you dead”, he was presumably just trying to support your Mum do what was best for her.

And it’s pissed off, not pissed...

The thing is, decisions about abortion NEVER involve the participation, thoughts or feelings of the foetus that might or might not be aborted. Because it's a foetus.

You are not a foetus. Therefore you are not an entity that could ever be aborted.

He didn’t want you dead.
This is the whole debate between people who have children with disabilities. I would terminate for certain disabilities that have personally affected my life, said child does not yet exist in my head. But parents who already have children with those disabilities see it as you personally wanting their child dead/not in existence which is completely different.

A vicar should not have even thought that much less said it.

It was the 1980s. Abortion was legal and if was perfectly legit for the vicar to mention it as an option.

I think it is highly unlikely a C of E vicar would actually encourage a woman to have an abortion. I read th C of E is generally anti abortion.

Sometimes even vicars are capable of laying out the options. There was so little information about then so good on him for giving her the facts.

As I said before pro-choice is great - the mum exercised her right to choose and chose not to abort

You’re making massive assumptions, and jumping to dramatic conclusions for reasons many posters have already outlined. I also agree with other PP that this may have hit such a nerve as there’s something else going on. It might be worth talking to a counsellor to get to the root of the issue.

How do you know this is even true OP

My mom’s dr suggested she get an a abortion when she found herself 20 weeks pregnant at 16. She said no and here I am 30 years later.

@Danikm151

My mom’s dr suggested she get an a abortion when she found herself 20 weeks pregnant at 16. She said no and here I am 30 years later.

Out of interest do you have strong feelings towards your mother's doctor as the OP does towards the vicar?

My OH suggested that there was conflict between my rage and my pro choice beliefs

Pro-choice is about women making decisions about their reproductive health, not random men - or any men - trying to over-rule their decisions.

I think it comes down to whether the vicar suggested abortion as an option, or attempted to coerce her or pressure her into getting one.