To be pissed the vicar wanted me dead?

[emmskie03]

I always knew that that paternal grandparents were not happy about my illegitimate birth (in the 80's). I've recently found out that my mother's vicar (CofE but fairly high church I guess) suggested she would be better off aborting.

I'm fuming. I don't know why but I'm am seriously angry. My OH suggested that there was conflict between my rage and my pro choice beliefs I.e. I said I'm pissed the vicar wanted me dead but he suggested this was a bit iffy in regard to abortion rights.

Am I unreasonable to think that the fact that my mother wanted me (and was pretty vulnerable) means it's sod all to do with that and everything to do with the fact that the vicar didn't like the non traditional parent set up so thought it would be better I didn't exist?

My mum's GP suggested abortion to her when she found she was pregnant with me - he knew my dad was an abusive alcoholic and that my mum was planning to leave him. As it was, she chose to keep me and stayed with him for three more years before finally leaving (leaving me and my sister with my dad).

My mum told me this story and I often wished she hadn't. But for me it wasn't anger someone "wished me dead" (odd way to describe abortion if you're pro choice) but guilt that my being born made things so difficult for her, I'd she'd had only one child would she have felt able to take my sister with her, would she have ended up with lifelong mental health problems if she'd left sooner etc.

Did your mum have a difficult time because of her decision to keep you? Is the anger you're feeling actually a reaction to misplaced guilt for having been born? I just can't make sense of it otherwise as vicar, whatever their reasons for advising abortion, did not "want you dead" - unless your view is that anyone who has an abortion " wants their baby dead".

@EmergencyHydrangea

You can only think he wanted you dead if you think abortion is killing a baby

This.

Your DH sees double standards here, and he's right.

I don't know, but I imagine in your pro choice stance, you'd think anyone saying abortion is 'wanting a person dead' is outrageously wrong.

And yet when the abortion applies to you in your embryonic state, that would have been murdering you.

... ?

...

Do you know this vicar personally? Why do you care about their opinions so much. I'm sure your mum had lots of bad advice from many people.

Sorry hon but it sounds as if you really don't have enough going on in your life ATM so you're making up a bit of drama. This is a ridiculous thing to be upset by.

Luckily for you, your mother discounted abortion as an acceptable option, and had you 👌

The vicar was doing his job. I'm sure that had he been pro life, telling your mother abortion is wrong, you would consider this unfair pressure and abuse of his position. He suggested a sensible and socially acceptable solution which does not apparently involve wanting anyone dead.

It's interesting you feel your life retrospectively threatened. Do you think this will change your thoughts about women having abortions? Are they all killing someone, then?

Etc.

The vicar was trying to be modern, I think.

Are you really pro-choice? It could be that is exactly what the vicar was suggesting to your mum - that she had a choice between several options. You sound more pro-life to me since I can't imagine why you would be so angry at this. Your mum had choices and followed her instincts.

Lots of clickbait thread titles around atm

I don't think you can be pro-choice and also see abortion as killing someone. He was probably trying to be supportive. My grandma told my mum she actively tried to abort her. She was the last of five children, her father was away at war and they were in poverty. My mother never held it against her (why she felt the need to tell her is a mystery, but she was an odd woman all around to be honest).

* it sounds as if you really don't have enough going on in your life ATM so you're making up a bit of drama. This is a ridiculous thing to be upset by.*

^This. OP loves drama.

In what way was your mum “vulnerable”? There are lots of situations where suggesting an abortion is valid, but it doesn’t mean you are wishing anyone dead, just that you are putting the mother’s welfare first.

@EmergencyHydrangea

You can only think he wanted you dead if you think abortion is killing a baby

Yep. I think, given that you are presumably an adult, a "high church" cleric being open to the bodily autonomy of a female who turned to him for help was a good thing.

How did you even find out? It was in the 80s, so more than thirty years ago, possibly closer to 40. People won't reliably recall events and conversations after such a long time.

Does the vicar's opinion even matter now? Your mother didn't have an abortion, you're here.

And yes, I can see your DH's argument about double standards. Saying that the vicar wanted you dead is very emotive language but it doesn't describe what actually went on.

Not being born isn't the same as wanting someone dead, don't be dramatic.

I'm pleased a vicar was being so pragmatic back then. And maybe it would have been the easier course of action for your mum so perhaps it was good advice.

Also agree with others, you're hardly describing an episode of Call the Midwife or Dublin in the 1950s.

How did you find out the vicar wanted you dead?

@Fabpinky

Yes, bit dramatic

Agree The vicar did not “want you dead” he (possibly) suggested a termination to a vulnerable young woman

Strange thread, and I see the OP hasn’t been back.

FWIW I’m guessing the OP is pro life hence the wanting her dead comments. Nobody who is pro choice would look at having a termination as wanting them dead.

In fact I wonder if the fact she’s so angry with the vicar is because she’s actually devoutly religious and this belief goes against whatever religion she practices.

I'd be bloody angry too. Regardless of religious beliefs or how his parents raised him it's a nasty thing to think let alone say out loud.

Another example of why all religions should be seen as what they are -bullying controlling cults- and all banned. They offer no benefits to modern civilization.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

I'd be bloody angry too. Regardless of religious beliefs or how his parents raised him it's a nasty thing to think let alone say out loud.

What's 'nasty' about talking through options with a young pregnant woman? Isn't that being respectful of her choices?

Alright Rocky, take a breathe.

I think you're over reacting with this.

You weren't there. You didn't hear the conversation and the context of what was said. So you're being pretty daft. Yes, if you think you're pro-choice even more so.
I know that my grandma spoke to my mum about her choices when Mum got pregnant in the 60's. I'm sure her intentions were good and she was being sensible.

If abortion had been legal in 1963, I wouldn’t be here. So you could say my mum wanted me dead! Save your rage and be grateful to your mum.

He didn’t ‘want you dead’ though did he? That’s quite a dramatic spin on things.

You have no idea how the conversation went. The vicar could very well have been responding to something your mum said.
Come on- as pp said- save your rage

@chocolateorangeinhaler

I'd be bloody angry too. Regardless of religious beliefs or how his parents raised him it's a nasty thing to think let alone say out loud.

Another example of why all religions should be seen as what they are -bullying controlling cults- and all banned. They offer no benefits to modern civilization.

What did he say then? Do you know?

Did he say
"Oh Edna, you slut! Get thee without my parish! And only come back when your baby has been aborted"
Or:
"Oh Edna, you have a choice. It's your body".

he wanted me dead sounds extremely pro life and not pro choice at all. It’s the kind of emotive, non factual hysterical comments the hardline prolifers bandy about.