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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed the vicar wanted me dead?

141 replies

emmskie03 · 14/09/2021 23:29

I always knew that that paternal grandparents were not happy about my illegitimate birth (in the 80's). I've recently found out that my mother's vicar (CofE but fairly high church I guess) suggested she would be better off aborting.

I'm fuming. I don't know why but I'm am seriously angry. My OH suggested that there was conflict between my rage and my pro choice beliefs I.e. I said I'm pissed the vicar wanted me dead but he suggested this was a bit iffy in regard to abortion rights.

Am I unreasonable to think that the fact that my mother wanted me (and was pretty vulnerable) means it's sod all to do with that and everything to do with the fact that the vicar didn't like the non traditional parent set up so thought it would be better I didn't exist?

OP posts:
PascowV · 15/09/2021 08:37

Daft thread.

JustFrustrated · 15/09/2021 08:37

I understand OP.

Slightly different, but my mum commonly talks about she went to get me aborted. With little care to how that makes me feel. Coupled with the fact her and my father broke up and had their decree nisi through when I was 6 months old, it's very hard to not feel guilty for breaking up their little family (two siblings before me)

That being said, I can rationalise that it was the baby she didn't want. Not me, myself and I. When consideration was given, I didn't exist. I was an accumulation of unwanted cells, with no more "me" in them than a tumour. "I" became later.

Try restructuring it in your head, they were talking about the abstract, not the you.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 15/09/2021 08:38

You're being dramatic. The vicar sounds pretty progressive tbh.

Aborion is a valid and reasonable choice, its a choice we considered for our eldest child..... And a choice many will ponder and some will choose to take.

Bialystockandbloom · 15/09/2021 08:38

Disappointed. Thought you were going to say Rev Green was chasing you round the library with the lead piping.

YABU, and extremely dramatic.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2021 08:45

This is a bit dramatic, it was not personal. If he suggested that it would be in the context of a conversation with your mother about her choices.

You are old enough to understand this. Is there a back story to your reaction?

Mumoblue · 15/09/2021 08:46

I think you are being a little unreasonable.

Now that you are born and you exist, opinions on your mums pregnancy are really null and void. Would you be this upset if someone suggested birth control, because that would lead to the same outcome.

My mother was in an abusive relationship when she had me, and as an adult, I can see that if she had wanted to not have me- that would have been her choice, and one that I would support another woman through if she were in that circumstance.

There are so many factors that could have lead to each and every one of us not being born, so I don’t think it’s reasonable or useful to dwell on them after the fact.

starfishmummy · 15/09/2021 08:52

Presumably you were told this by your mother or family? What did they hope to gain by telling you? I think, if I was in your situation my anger would be more focused on that rather than some anonymous vicar .

desperate4spring · 15/09/2021 08:55

I think the title of your thread is at odds with the content of your post and presumably your views about abortion and the status of an unborn child.

It is a wholly different thing to want someone to be dead and to want someone to have never existed. You can only be dead if you are alive in the first place.

KT727 · 15/09/2021 08:56

I agree that it sounds like your Mum's vicar was trying to convince her to have an abortion rather than supporting someone who actually wanted one.

YANBU.

However taking it personally doesn't make a huge amount of sense because he was thinking about her getting rid of an embryo, not of you.

CatTerrier · 15/09/2021 08:58

It depends when the vicar suggested it.

Was it at 12 weeks to a vulnerable woman or was it after he'd known you for 25 years?

Droite · 15/09/2021 08:59

Suppose the vicar had advised your mother to use contraception, and she hadn't, resulting in your birth. Would you interpret that as sensible advice or wishing you didn't exist?

HarrietsChariot · 15/09/2021 09:00

YABU on so many levels.

YABU to use such a misleading title. The vicar didn't "want you dead" he was simply making sure your mother knew the options available.

YABU to be pro-choice and then be angry that people have a view that it's OK to discuss the choice.

YABU to be pro-choice yet simultaneously reject the notion that others can have their own opinions on morality.

Hekatestorch · 15/09/2021 09:02

I read you saying that what is angering you is that a woman with a wanted pregnancy, who was vulnerable and seeking guidance, was coerced towards abortion for someone else's convenience. My take on it is that it is that coercion, of a vulnerable woman, by a powerful man, that is, rightly, angering you.

But then op would just be making that up in her head.

Again, some women still choose to abort even if it's a wanted pregnancy.

Nowhere has op said he tried to convince or force an abortion.

Op is angry because she sees someone suggesting abortion as them wanting her dead. Which is at odds with being pro choice.

Her OH is right.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 15/09/2021 09:02

I highly doubt the Vicar would have told your mother to abort you. That’s pure speculation on your part.

It’s far more likely that if she was religious herself, she asked what her churches position was on abortion and he probably re-assured her.

I’m a child of the sixties when babies born out of wedlock was still a thing but by the 80’s it wasn’t that big a deal unless you came from a very religious family.

RandomLondoner · 15/09/2021 09:13

Thinking "you" are the same thing as an embryo at several weeks of development is a fallacy, so your anger is based on a completely irrational belief.

and everything to do with the fact that the vicar didn't like the non traditional parent set up so thought it would be better I didn't exist?

What reason do you have to think that the vicar wasn't a kind man who wanted what he though was best for your mother?

Religious people who disapprove of illegitimacy are likely to be the same people who disapprove of abortion, and for them I'd imagine abortion is by far the more serious sin. It seems a very far-fetched conclusion that a religious person would advocate abortion to prevent illegitimacy.

RandomLondoner · 15/09/2021 09:20

People may not like or approve of the vicar's advice. But if he can't say things the recipient doesn't like, there's no point in them having that conversation. He may not be a good or desirable counsellor, but if he's a counsellor at all, he gets to say what he believes, regardless of what anyone else thinks of his advice.

mustlovegin · 15/09/2021 09:22

Same as PP, I don't understand why they are telling you now.

Is said vicar still alive? Has there been a recent rift between your family and the church and past difficult conversations are coming to the fore?

mustlovegin · 15/09/2021 09:25

FWIW, I don't think a vicar or priest would be giving this kind of advice lightly.

Niffler92 · 15/09/2021 09:30

My issue would be the hypocrisy that they can promote abortion which they are meant to be against.

prh47bridge · 15/09/2021 09:37

@Niffler92

My issue would be the hypocrisy that they can promote abortion which they are meant to be against.
The Anglican Church is not as against abortion as the Catholic Church and never has been. They are generally against but, unlike the Catholic Church, they say that there are some situations where abortion may be the best alternative.

It is, of course, also the case that an individual vicar may adopt a different position to that of the church. That doesn't make either the church or the vicar hypocritical. It just means that the vicar disagrees with the church's position, just as happens now over, for example, female priests.

mustlovegin · 15/09/2021 09:37

My issue would be the hypocrisy that they can promote abortion which they are meant to be against

We shouldn't turn this thread into a CoE bashing thread without knowing all the details. Also saying they are 'promoting' abortion is a bit much, don't you think?

LukeEvansWife · 15/09/2021 09:38

My issue would be the hypocrisy that they can promote abortion which they are meant to be against

Better than making her feel bad about it

SoloISland · 15/09/2021 09:42

@EmergencyHydrangea

You can only think he wanted you dead if you think abortion is killing a baby
Total provocative non sequitur and as I am about to clsoe down I will bite. Of course abortion kills a baby. BEFORE abortion there is a life Afterwards there is no life and that action has killed an embryonic baby. There is no other way to have another human being in existence and all the slick casuistry in the world cannot change that.

Bye.

Cutabove · 15/09/2021 09:46

@SoloISland

It's a foetus not a baby.

Bye.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/09/2021 09:48

Are you really sure the vicar encouraged her to abort? Rather than discussed all possible options with her and let her know that abortion was a possibility?