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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents / Inlaws- What is it about getting older and completely forgetting what being busy is like?

116 replies

Silverswirl · 14/09/2021 20:25

Both my father and in laws have been driving me mad these past few years but it’s getting worse.
What is it about when you retire and move to a far slower pace, you totally forget what the rest of your life has been like?
Both my father and FIL pretty much seem to expect me to be at the other end of my phone or answering what’s app messages almost immediately. They seem to think I’m at home just twiddling my thumbs, looking for things to do?
I have 3 primary aged kids and I work as much as I can around school hours. DH works very long hours.
Kids have after school clubs to be driven to and weekend clubs. Usual busy life with 3 kids.
We don’t have any after school or holiday childcare at all- it’s all me as DH is at work.
Yet if I don’t return my DF missed call within a few hours he always says ‘oh thought you had dropped of the face of the planet’ or something similar.
Today because I didn’t open a what’s app from my FIL (he sent it at 3 as I was doing the school run and afterwards I have 2.5 hours of driving kids to clubs!) he send a snotty email asking why I hadn’t opened my what’s app message yet and could I get back to him. It was asking if we wanted something he was thinking of throwing out.
At weekends they always sound really surprised if we are busy or not in for them to come over.
One school holiday FIL called at 10:30am to ask us out for lunch (lovely of him to ask) but got cross and sounded very annoyed when we were busy as by then I had taken the kids out for the day with a friend.
I suggested another day but I would need to check my calendar as I wasn’t in but that didn’t go down well either really.
I just don’t know if it’s because when they had kids the woman did everything kid wise and they were at work so can’t relate?
Or is it that back when they had kids you just sat around in the house for many more days / after school?
I’m not sure but it’s driving me bonkers! If I don’t open a what’s app message for 3 hours it’s probably because I’m busy with the kids or work!

OP posts:
Cyclingforcake · 14/09/2021 20:28

I get this too. And the guilt trip if I can’t drop everything to let DC FaceTime them. It’s so tedious. I genuinely think they forget and my mum didn’t work so really did have hours in the middle of the day to speak family. I don’t. I’m at work.
And breathe.

Hardbackwriter · 14/09/2021 20:31

I don't think it's age as much as having the different pace of life. I found myself getting a little like this this summer because I'm on mat leave and my DH is a teacher and so was off work - without either of us working I lost my sense of time a bit and would message friends and be surprised they hadn't replied in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. It was astonishing how quickly it happened with my dad when he retired - in about 3 months he went from running a division of 5000 people to saying that he was very busy that day because it was the day he did the supermarket shop and being surprised that I couldn't have long chats with him in the middle of my work day.

squirrelnutkins1 · 14/09/2021 20:43

We have the same. Now MIL will text me if she doesn't get a fast enough reply from DH!

TracyLords · 14/09/2021 20:50

In laws never do this. MIL seems to remember quite well what it was like to be a working mother. FIL still works a few days a week in his 70s (his career seems to be his vocation).

But my parents used to be a nightmare; especially during Covid, while working full time with a 4 year old at home, my mum would be raging if I didn’t call her every day because I was just “working from home”. I suspect she thought furlough and working from home were the same thing

Larryyourwaiter · 14/09/2021 20:52

Or forget things like you can’t not just go to work because you don’t feel like it. ‘Just tell them your busy’. Yes, that seems reasonable.

Jeds55 · 14/09/2021 20:55

We're getting this now from both sides. We both work full time, have a 3 year old and I'm 7 months pregnant yet they were all aghast that we'd pay for someone to decorate the hall/landing rather than do it ourselves. We just don't have the time or energy. They forget what it's like to be time poor and not to want to use all our annual leave to do DIY.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2021 20:59

My FIL thinks a busy day is one appointment.

He drives me utterly insane as his wife didn't work and although he has been told numerous times that I have a big important job, just like his son, he cannot fathom why I don't spend hours cooking, cleaning and facilitating men.

Thank good he lives in a different city to me.

My mum in the other hand, is busy 24/7.

Arabiannights01 · 14/09/2021 20:59

Ahhh I get this from my DF, DS and MIL. It pushes me further away from them in all honesty.

Mombie2021 · 14/09/2021 21:02

Utterly bizarre.

My Grandma emails but only emails again if I haven’t replied within a few days.

My Dad doesn’t even have a phone Grin

NailsNeedDoing · 14/09/2021 21:03

Yanbu to feel frustrated by this at all. Sadly though they could probably just as easily say ‘don’t those youngsters give a thought to how much slower and lonelier life can be as an older person and how contact with your nearest and dearest becomes so much more important’. It’s just different phases of life.

Wincher · 14/09/2021 21:04

This Daily Mash article is a classic for me and DH, thinking about our parents: www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/were-just-so-busy-say-retired-parents-20190812188131

Hoppinggreen · 14/09/2021 21:05

My mother texts me asking me to come over and if I say I’m working she says she didn’t realise and how about tomorrow instead?
I work. mon - Fri every week

ShanghaiDiva · 14/09/2021 21:06

My In-laws are like this: very busy as they were having a bed delivered.
Dh and I joke about it. Stressful day at work? Could be worse, you could be waiting for a bed to be delivered...!

LittleOwl153 · 14/09/2021 21:06

Change the settings on your WhatsApp so that they can't see if you've been online. That used to infuriate my DM. ... I know you've read it... its got 2 blue ticks.... so why haven't you replied... now she doesn't get any form of ticks. But yes she rings DH or the kids if she doesn't get a quick enough response from me....

britespark1 · 14/09/2021 21:07

OP I could have written this exact post! My Dad rings at the worst times and if I can’t/don’t answer will then WhatsApp me to tell me he has called Angry

Hardbackwriter · 14/09/2021 21:07

I suspect she thought furlough and working from home were the same thing

I have this problem with FIL, though it's because he doesn't actually believe any job done in an office is real work, so he thinks working from home should mean I'm free all day because I no longer have to push paper around pretending to be doing something.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2021 21:10

I've just remembered FIL having SIL go to the bank for him and he said, "I like to give the kids jobs to do so they feel useful".

This is a 40 year old emergency medicine nurse with two children!

Mangoandbroccoli · 14/09/2021 21:11

Both my mum and dad have been infuriating me lately by replying with a surprised 'oh, why?' when I tell them I'm exhausted. They are well aware that I have a baby who sleeps poorly; a 5-yr-old whose been unwell; work; partner who works long hours; and am in the process of selling / buying a house - why does my being tired come as such a massive shock to them?!

Allthesefolks · 14/09/2021 21:16

Ours are not so bad because they all work (bar one), we have a 1 and a 5 year old and both work during the week. However, my DF and FiL will only ever phone us between 6-7pm for a chat and MiL and step-FiL only ever want to visit at 5.30pm on a week day. We try to flex the bedtime routines where needed but it always feels unnecessarily stressful and the quality time with relatives it should be!

Kneesaregood · 14/09/2021 21:18

My dad does this, though in reverse - its a long wait to socialise with him, because he's so terribly busy and it's so tiring.
He's busy.... with an allotment, DIY, and seeing friends. My heart bleeds, every time. Yet he also expects quick responses!

The only way I've found that works with this is to make light of it but ask a question in response, to see if they can start thinking it through, and use that thinking eventually. Eg 'c'mon, where do you think I might have been been 3pm-5pm on a weekday' or 'it's weds, what does X always tell you they like going to every weds?' If you can get them to give the answer, there's less likelihood of them bristling at that answer (eg as they might if you just say 'I was busy')

Milly90 · 14/09/2021 21:25

I 100% agree

One of my parents is retired but still young (57)and today asked me to call them urgently to discuss going for dinner on saturday....like i dont have anything else to do in the middle of a working day whilst i am at work!!

LordFoofingtonismyMaster · 14/09/2021 21:31

I'm actually quite relieved to read this as my mother is exactly like this. I'm tired, she's exhausted....I work full time and have two school going age children. She potters around and does some ad hoc teaching which she loves doing but you'd swear she was overseeing rocket launches or the stock exchange the way she carries on. It must be an age thing...

Cuddlyrottweiler · 14/09/2021 21:36

Ugh my god this drives me mad from MIL. She has no idea what it means to be busy. We'll tell her that we've been super busy with running two companies and looking after a dog and baby. And she will say that she's been busy too because she did some washing 🤨 mmkay having done washing doesn't even make my list of things I've done.
When we had DS we sent a message to everyone letting them know we were safe but shattered and going to sleep. I turned DHs phone off because she was facetiming back to back, over and over. Like we just told you we were going to sleep, why do you think your want to see us takes priority over that?

JackieCollinshasnoauthority · 14/09/2021 21:41

My mum asked me to go out for lunch with her and her retired friends. On a day I was in work. Apparently I should pop in on my lunch break. I get 45 minutes for lunch and use it to do many chores, I can't pop anywhere for a 2 hour boozy lunch.

She asks me which days I'm working every week. I work the same days every week and will do for the next 32 years because I won't get to retire at 60 like my parents.

Tangentially, my dad always asks me what I "do" because he doesn't understand non manual jobs.

i love my parents