Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents / Inlaws- What is it about getting older and completely forgetting what being busy is like?

116 replies

Silverswirl · 14/09/2021 20:25

Both my father and in laws have been driving me mad these past few years but it’s getting worse.
What is it about when you retire and move to a far slower pace, you totally forget what the rest of your life has been like?
Both my father and FIL pretty much seem to expect me to be at the other end of my phone or answering what’s app messages almost immediately. They seem to think I’m at home just twiddling my thumbs, looking for things to do?
I have 3 primary aged kids and I work as much as I can around school hours. DH works very long hours.
Kids have after school clubs to be driven to and weekend clubs. Usual busy life with 3 kids.
We don’t have any after school or holiday childcare at all- it’s all me as DH is at work.
Yet if I don’t return my DF missed call within a few hours he always says ‘oh thought you had dropped of the face of the planet’ or something similar.
Today because I didn’t open a what’s app from my FIL (he sent it at 3 as I was doing the school run and afterwards I have 2.5 hours of driving kids to clubs!) he send a snotty email asking why I hadn’t opened my what’s app message yet and could I get back to him. It was asking if we wanted something he was thinking of throwing out.
At weekends they always sound really surprised if we are busy or not in for them to come over.
One school holiday FIL called at 10:30am to ask us out for lunch (lovely of him to ask) but got cross and sounded very annoyed when we were busy as by then I had taken the kids out for the day with a friend.
I suggested another day but I would need to check my calendar as I wasn’t in but that didn’t go down well either really.
I just don’t know if it’s because when they had kids the woman did everything kid wise and they were at work so can’t relate?
Or is it that back when they had kids you just sat around in the house for many more days / after school?
I’m not sure but it’s driving me bonkers! If I don’t open a what’s app message for 3 hours it’s probably because I’m busy with the kids or work!

OP posts:
PercyPiginaWig · 14/09/2021 23:10

@pastaislife

Oooooh I’ve got such a busy week. Haircut Monday, Tesco Tuesday then choir on Wednesday.

Ok MIL Hmm

You forgot book club on Thursday, if we have the same super busy MIL!

She who phones for looong chats and knows all about the two blue ticks on WhatsApp (I know I can deactivate them but it means I can't see them on myessages either and DH and I actually find them useful for messaging each other, he'll know I've seen a message even if I can't reply).

She counts the most ridiculous stuff towards her busy quota.

TutiFrutti · 14/09/2021 23:15

My fil didn't ring all that often but when he did would always ring at 7pm because "I know you'll be in" Hmm

TutiFrutti · 14/09/2021 23:16

I should add this was when our twins were toddlers and it was full on bath, story, bed at that time

disculpe · 14/09/2021 23:33

Oh god yes, it's infuriating! Both my dad and stepmum are retired and honestly, all I ever hear is how busy they are. With gardening, going round friends houses for coffee etc. We live abroad with a big time difference, but when we try and schedule a FaceTime call with them it's always "well I've got this on, this is happening... can you call at this time?" No not really because that's bloody 3am here! Then he expects me to drop everything at a time that suits him to talk even though we have a child, my husband works away frequently and I've got a degree to do. Last year as we were moving abroad during the pandemic under extreme stress he asked if he could just FaceTime quickly the morning of the flight so he could wish us farewell even though we'd seen him the day before. We were getting picked up at 5am to get to the airport so that got a firm no from me! Not sure we'd have had time while finishing the packing, getting our child ready in the morning etc. 🙄

Kneesaregood · 14/09/2021 23:44

I remember when I retrained, which meant placements in the day (which could be pretty challenging - mental health field) and then because I had no money, I did three part time jobs - two evenings a week at a youth club, both weekend mornings for a couple of hours for a drop in, and then I did one late bank shift most weekends at a homeless hostel. It wasn't fun, healthy or sustainable but sometimes, needs must.

I remember my (quite newly retired) dad asking me if I was 'having fun being a student again', along with a few digs about me not being around to see family. Given that he hadn't taken any hints up to that point that I wasn't exactly having a ball, I spelled it out to him.

His paused, then... 'well, as long as you're doing something you love...'
It's a good job he was at the end of a phone or I would have throttled him!

There are other similar age family members who are more than understanding, I'm not sure why it seems to be one or the other - either hyper aware to the pressures the next generation is under or completely oblivious, never in-between!

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2021 23:44

Both my father and FIL pretty much seem to expect me to be at the other end of my phone or answering what’s app messages almost immediately. They seem to think I’m at home just twiddling my thumbs, looking for things to do?

Tis a (widowed/divorced/otherwise single) man thing, OP.

My mum was acutely keen how much shit there is to do as a working parent. My dad took his cue from her but never appreciated it really - and now she’s not here he can be a bit “surprised” you haven’t answered/confirmed/been in etc. But he’s also fundamentally decent and willing to adapt so is learning to pay attention to “never in on these days as working in office” or “‘might be available for a cuppa as she’s WFH if I arrive between 12-2pm (& incentivised if I bring cake). Bonus points for texting first to confirm.”

Less willing people get short shrift!

Noodella18 · 15/09/2021 00:32

My mum once got in a massive huff with me because I wouldn't agree to going to their house after work twice during their week-long holiday, adding an extra 30 minutes of driving to my hour long commute, to water their garden for the stipulated 3hrs (no joke). Apparently she was 'shocked' that I wouldn't do it. Even though I was working long hours and really struggling with ten+ hours of commuting each week. Just a totally different mindset and pace of life, oh to have time to spend on 3hrs of watering, oh to have time to spend on gardening full stop!

CandyLeBonBon · 15/09/2021 00:34

Adding my voice to the throng. I'm glad I'm not alone. My mum is an ex teacher so was never contactable during her career. Apparently my working day doesn't merit the same courtesy!!
Drives me nuts.

wobblywinelover · 15/09/2021 00:40

Normally the other way around for me. My mum loves to tell me how busy she is and how she can't believe she had time for work. She is busy with this, or that or the other amazing thing she is doing to help the community. Sometimes i'll text her and i'll get a contentious reply of 'In Sainsbury's at present, will reply shortly' like she's talking to the queen or something. Makes me inwardly chuckle and cringe. Whenever I talk to her it's been all about how busy she is, what's happened to her etc and then 1 hr into the conversation she'll change tone and say 'Anyway what have you been doing'. At which point i'm so numb I can't even be bothered to tell her.

TommyShelby · 15/09/2021 00:46

I snapped with my uncle for this. He would blow up my phone if I didn’t respond within a quarter hour of him sending a text. This is an ex fairly high up police officer! He knows about a working day! Being told quite sharply that my phone was for my convenience - not his, went down like a sack of shite… oops. He’s not done it since though!

MrsAvocet · 15/09/2021 00:46

My MIL has never worked outside the home and has no concept what it's like. Also my FIL was self employed and whilst he was extremely hard working he did have a degree of flexibility in his hours. Her father was also self employed so MIL can't really grasp the idea that most people have to work set hours and can't always take time off at the time they want. This leads to some comments which whilst I know are well meant are a bit frustrating, such as her telling me that DH looks run down and we should take a break in their holiday home..." not a long one, I know you're busy....just 3 or 4 weeks...." She simply won't believe that DH gets 4 weeks annual leave plus Bank Holidays to last all year.

Wimpeyspread · 15/09/2021 00:51

After my mother died, one of her oldest friends started calling regularly to see how I was at 8 in the morning - she had had 4 children, as I have, why she thought I would be free for a chat at that time, I have no idea

wobblywinelover · 15/09/2021 00:58

I think the longer retired they are they all go into their own bubble and think the world revolves around them and what they are doing. I think they can be insensitive for various reasons around this. Some of them might try to be accommodating of their children's lives but a lot of them just don't really get it or don't really care, or they develop some sort of weird 'old age entitlement syndrome' which means however busy or not busy they are their kids should dote on them and be on hand to meet their every need.

I wouldn't mind but my mum and dad didn't really give a shit about my stuff when I was growing up, so why should I go over and beyond to jump to their every tune in their elderly years? you reap what you sow and children remember it

Ladyrattles · 15/09/2021 01:04

My dad & his wife sent me a WhatsApp message on Sunday to say they have picked dates to come up and see us and asked if the dates in November were okay. Ten minutes later they sent another message saying they were waiting to confirm train tickets. Twenty minutes later they kicked off all stroppy and said they'd had to book the train tickets as there were only 4 left. I'd been watching a film with DH (a very rare treat) and had my phone on silent. My dad and his wife are retired and always think I should be sitting waiting for their calls and that I'm not busy. It drives me crackers.

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2021 01:33

God, I hate these threads.

Yes, all us elderly, retired parents are exactly the same.

Just as you all are.

As it happens, I’m a hell of a lot busier than one of my DC who always expects me to be sitting waiting for their hour-long calls

CandyLeBonBon · 15/09/2021 01:38

@Nanny0gg

God, I hate these threads.

Yes, all us elderly, retired parents are exactly the same.

Just as you all are.

As it happens, I’m a hell of a lot busier than one of my DC who always expects me to be sitting waiting for their hour-long calls

Oh yes. We forgot. We're not allowed to talk about our own experiences in case someone who doesn't have that experience decides to tell us that our experience is wrong and we are all horrid for talking about it Hmm
herculesoffline · 15/09/2021 01:42

FIL once called DH at work to chew him out that a birthday card/present hadn't landed in the doormat that morning for MILs birthday. DH was working 60 hour weekss and had already arranged to go see MIL that evening (after his 12 hour shift starting at 6).

DH pointed out that for the 5 preceding years PIL had been abroad for his birthday and he had received nothing but a text on the day.

Gothichouse40 · 15/09/2021 01:43

I feel for young families nowadays. I lost my father young, my mother was a gem and never ever expected me to drop everything to attend to her, even though she was widowed a very long time. I was under constant pressure from my MIL and quite frankly we got interrogated if we were not on the phone/visiting every five minutes. I made a promise I would never, ever do this to my own family and Im pleased to say we have a good relationship. My family all have their own lives and they have to make their own lives too. Im determined I won't be a burden to anyone and that if my family visit, it's because they want to.

echt · 15/09/2021 01:56

Oh yes. We forgot. We're not allowed to talk about our own experiences in case someone who doesn't have that experience decides to tell us that our experience is wrong and we are all horrid for talking about it

The thread's title is complete ageist.

echt · 15/09/2021 01:59

you reap what you sow and children remember it

Then you won't be surprised should your parents leave nothing for you inherit, because parents remember too.

< I am not defending their conduct, just pointing out the logical follow on>

CiaoEB · 15/09/2021 02:21

@echt

you reap what you sow and children remember it

Then you won't be surprised should your parents leave nothing for you inherit, because parents remember too.

< I am not defending their conduct, just pointing out the logical follow on>

Yes, although when you have a normal happy relationship you don’t need to threaten your children over inheritances etc because there’s no desire to try and control them to stay in touch.
DrunkenKoala · 15/09/2021 07:36

No I don’t think it’s a men v women thing or an age thing. I think it’s more personality.

Even though I am a SAHP my dad doesn’t behave like this. We call each other in the evenings for chats at a set time. It’s rare for him to call me during the day so when he does I know it’s something urgent or not very time consuming.
My mum though is a very controlling person who must have all the attention and she would call me at anytime of the day. Her attitude was “what are you doing that’s more important than talking to me?” If I didn’t answer the phone she’d just keep calling. She would get the hump with me when I told her I was busy earlier and that’s why I couldn’t answer the phone. It was a massive factor in why I am now non contact with her.

user1469770863 · 15/09/2021 07:40

@NailsNeedDoing

Yanbu to feel frustrated by this at all. Sadly though they could probably just as easily say ‘don’t those youngsters give a thought to how much slower and lonelier life can be as an older person and how contact with your nearest and dearest becomes so much more important’. It’s just different phases of life.
this
Lockdownbear · 15/09/2021 07:53

I thought it was related to both parties working full-time. My own parents totally get it and understand lack of time.
ILs nope not at all but then MIL only worked very part-time.

They went through a phase of wanting to visit at 4pm on a Saturday, pushing our dinner back and killing our Saturday night.

Blueuggboots · 15/09/2021 08:07

Yes!!! My mum (75, retired) rings me at really awkward times and seems put out when I don't answer.
She moans about how busy she is - coffee with friends, church meetings etc - but totally doesn't understand that my life is far busier with my full time job and a challenging ND 10 year old.