Parents / Inlaws- What is it about getting older and completely forgetting what being busy is like?

[Silverswirl]

Both my father and in laws have been driving me mad these past few years but it’s getting worse.
What is it about when you retire and move to a far slower pace, you totally forget what the rest of your life has been like?
Both my father and FIL pretty much seem to expect me to be at the other end of my phone or answering what’s app messages almost immediately. They seem to think I’m at home just twiddling my thumbs, looking for things to do?
I have 3 primary aged kids and I work as much as I can around school hours. DH works very long hours.
Kids have after school clubs to be driven to and weekend clubs. Usual busy life with 3 kids.
We don’t have any after school or holiday childcare at all- it’s all me as DH is at work.
Yet if I don’t return my DF missed call within a few hours he always says ‘oh thought you had dropped of the face of the planet’ or something similar.
Today because I didn’t open a what’s app from my FIL (he sent it at 3 as I was doing the school run and afterwards I have 2.5 hours of driving kids to clubs!) he send a snotty email asking why I hadn’t opened my what’s app message yet and could I get back to him. It was asking if we wanted something he was thinking of throwing out.
At weekends they always sound really surprised if we are busy or not in for them to come over.
One school holiday FIL called at 10:30am to ask us out for lunch (lovely of him to ask) but got cross and sounded very annoyed when we were busy as by then I had taken the kids out for the day with a friend.
I suggested another day but I would need to check my calendar as I wasn’t in but that didn’t go down well either really.
I just don’t know if it’s because when they had kids the woman did everything kid wise and they were at work so can’t relate?
Or is it that back when they had kids you just sat around in the house for many more days / after school?
I’m not sure but it’s driving me bonkers! If I don’t open a what’s app message for 3 hours it’s probably because I’m busy with the kids or work!

@Milly90

I 100% agree

One of my parents is retired but still young (57)and today asked me to call them urgently to discuss going for dinner on saturday....like i dont have anything else to do in the middle of a working day whilst i am at work!!

Just say later. Or no. You don't know her priorities and have assumed, based on fuck all, that yours trump hers.

You are no better than you imagine she is.

My mum gets I am busy with work so doesn't expect replies and is really respectful of this.

She does make me laugh with the busy thing as in one appointment is a busy day but she thrives on bustle and since being widowed and COVID it is nice to see her feeling slightly harassed as it makes her feel engaged with life.

What I don't like is when she compares her interactions with me and my family with my cousins/kids of her friends etc. We all have different life circumstances so her mournful 'well your cousin phoned your aunt most days but of course you can't because if your job' is hugely unhelpful when my cousin works term time school hours and lives the other end of the country and I clock up 12 hour days and see her every weekend for the whole day.

@ChrissyPlummer

Haven’t RTFT, so apologies if this is a repeat. There just wasn’t the same level of choice of activities 20/30 years ago. When I was at school, I had dancing one weeknight and on a Saturday and a swimming lesson on Saturday morning. DB played football on a Sunday. That was it. No after school clubs and certainly no 2.5 hours of driving!

One of my DC did every club going. Gymnastics, trampoline, badminton, and god knows what else, before and after school in primary and secondary.

They're in their mid thirties now, so very much 20/30 years ago, And yes, I worked.

Why can't people just ignore or say no? You don't have to engage with this behaviour if you don't want to. No one is forcing you to reply to a text or email, or answer the phone.

If I reply to someone who was expecting me to reply sooner I just say 'oh sorry I was busy' and move the conversation on. It's not irritating or frustrating because I deal with messages on my own terms.

I tell my boys (at Uni) that just because I send them something funny, or a message to ask if they are indeed still alive, they don't have to respond immediately or feel guilty if they miss it. It's just my way of still feeling connected to them. I'm always happy if I get a message from them regardless of how long it took to reply.

As one of these wicked retired parents I get it in the neck for not being surgically attached to my phone and I would never dream of calling during the day!

@JudgeJ

As one of these wicked retired parents I get it in the neck for not being surgically attached to my phone and I would never dream of calling during the day!

Can I adopt you???

@nokidshere

Why can't people just ignore or say no? You don't have to engage with this behaviour if you don't want to. No one is forcing you to reply to a text or email, or answer the phone.

If I reply to someone who was expecting me to reply sooner I just say 'oh sorry I was busy' and move the conversation on. It's not irritating or frustrating because I deal with messages on my own terms.

I tell my boys (at Uni) that just because I send them something funny, or a message to ask if they are indeed still alive, they don't have to respond immediately or feel guilty if they miss it. It's just my way of still feeling connected to them. I'm always happy if I get a message from them regardless of how long it took to reply.

If I don't respond, I get several messages on the drive home. Which I ignore, because I'm driving once. When I get in and I have to start dinner, I'm not in the headspace to chat. At which point I'll get a phone call- which I ignore - and I'll send a message saying "just hone from work, cooking dinner. Can I call tomorrow?"

To which she will reply "oh yes. Sorry - hadn't realised you were working/driving home etc"

Except it's 6pm on a weekday, I work full time, she knows my hours so what else was I going to be doing!

My mother was like this. She thought every family member needed to hear about every ill health event in her life:- I had a fall/a little cry/have to go into hospital/etc.

She would sit beside the phone and ring, Ring and RING until she got through.

I lived in another city and didnt drive
I had a job where I spent part of my time abroad (told her it was a lot more)
There were no smart phones or social media then

Thank heavens! I was extremely difficult to get hold of.

Except it's 6pm on a weekday, I work full time, she knows my hours so what else was I going to be doing!

I’d reply-‘mum, I work 8-6 every day-you know that!’ and just keep saying that.

My MIL is like this. We have a lot of ‘why haven’t you mowed the garden/been to the tip/ phoned this person/looked at holidays’ etc. Or ‘did you see what so and so posted on fb, so funny’. Um…no I didn’t because I’m at work. And we both work and we have children, if you want my garden mowed, the lawnmower is in the shed, feel free if you have that much time on your hands.

My parents turned up at my house the other day, unannounced, as I was working from home and just about to go into a phone call with a client. They just sort of stood there??? Bonkers.

Oh I don't know, DD is like this - she seems to think our lives are on hold until she needs us! If we don't answer a question by text within 5 minutes (say I am cooking dinner), I get another text of ?????

It’s not an age thing at all, it’s a person thing. Ageist to suggest otherwise in my view, speaking as a 55 year old FT working mum of 3 adults (one with severe MH difficulties for whom I care) 1 teenager, along with 2 elderly parents one with Alzheimers for whom I also care.
Bit busy

It always interests me how such busy people have time to write very long Mumsnet posts and then reply to the comments on the thread.

I have a friend who’s always telling everyone how busy she is via very long social media exchanges!

Not judging just makes me smile!

@ProfessorPeach

I've noticed the same.

I’m grateful for this thread.

DM is 71 and just reduced from FT work to 2 days a week, but is anxious about COVID and so still doing very little. If the weather has been poor and she hasn’t gone out she will complain that she’s SEEN NO ONE ALL DAY - despite DB and I both FaceTiming her for an hour each day and usually calls with my aunt and cousin as well. I don’t live near my mum, work 32 hours per week, have three kids (one with additional needs), run my own business and have to ferry kids to after school activities. Finding that hour to FaceTime is really difficult and DM rarely asks how I am.

MIL is the same and rings DH (her only child) several times a day, all for things that could have been a text.

I love my parents, but they don’t appreciate or value my busyness. I usually get criticised for what I don’t do, like keep the house immaculate or live in the small seaside town DM lives in where I couldn’t keep my job.

If you are a retired parent and not like this, brilliant - I hope your kids appreciate it. But for the rest of us please allow us the space to vent. Family life isn’t always easy.