Parents / Inlaws- What is it about getting older and completely forgetting what being busy is like?

[Silverswirl]

Both my father and in laws have been driving me mad these past few years but it’s getting worse.
What is it about when you retire and move to a far slower pace, you totally forget what the rest of your life has been like?
Both my father and FIL pretty much seem to expect me to be at the other end of my phone or answering what’s app messages almost immediately. They seem to think I’m at home just twiddling my thumbs, looking for things to do?
I have 3 primary aged kids and I work as much as I can around school hours. DH works very long hours.
Kids have after school clubs to be driven to and weekend clubs. Usual busy life with 3 kids.
We don’t have any after school or holiday childcare at all- it’s all me as DH is at work.
Yet if I don’t return my DF missed call within a few hours he always says ‘oh thought you had dropped of the face of the planet’ or something similar.
Today because I didn’t open a what’s app from my FIL (he sent it at 3 as I was doing the school run and afterwards I have 2.5 hours of driving kids to clubs!) he send a snotty email asking why I hadn’t opened my what’s app message yet and could I get back to him. It was asking if we wanted something he was thinking of throwing out.
At weekends they always sound really surprised if we are busy or not in for them to come over.
One school holiday FIL called at 10:30am to ask us out for lunch (lovely of him to ask) but got cross and sounded very annoyed when we were busy as by then I had taken the kids out for the day with a friend.
I suggested another day but I would need to check my calendar as I wasn’t in but that didn’t go down well either really.
I just don’t know if it’s because when they had kids the woman did everything kid wise and they were at work so can’t relate?
Or is it that back when they had kids you just sat around in the house for many more days / after school?
I’m not sure but it’s driving me bonkers! If I don’t open a what’s app message for 3 hours it’s probably because I’m busy with the kids or work!

My very young 60s dm decided to give up her two days a week admin at the beginning of the first lockdown and has worked app 6 hours a week sporadically since then and yet she's so busy all the time

We both work full time opposite hours and juggle two teenagers pets a family home and elderly in laws and yet it still doesn't stop her assuming il drop everything for a non emergency situation she's got herself into

The one week day I have off a week she now spends helping my sibling so shel squeeze me into a half hour slot for a cup of tea in the afternoon and then moan she doesn't see us 🙄

And wants to know why we are in Sainsbury's on a Sunday morning (only chance to go) because they get all week to go

If I don't reply to a WhatsApp during my working day and she has something she seems exciting or an emergency she's been known to ring my workplace and interrupt what I'm doing (client facing role) so I have to firmly tell her when I'm at work I'm at work

In laws will rock up without txting first on a weekend and be shocked we aren't in because we only get that one day to do stuff together

Mil will then go on at how tired they are after their week of gardening and a food shop

They've all definitely forgotten what it's like

My parents couldn’t buy anyone anything for Christmas because they had moved into a new build in the November. They were too busy.

I managed to do the whole Christmas for the whole family and work full time in a senior nursing role… you know like all of us do, just doing life because it needs doing.

But, no, moving into a perfectly done house 6 weeks earlier meant they couldn’t possibly do Christmas.

Mad. Can’t be out at 12 ish any week day because bargain hunt is on 🤪.

My Fil was unbearably smug when he took early retirement. His favourite joke was that we should do away with weekends because he didn’t need them, couldn’t see what they were for.

Hmmm, lots of these would really piss me off. I think I’d try ignoring any questions during the day and then fo a short sharp irate, ‘I was working’ as a reply if they get pissed off!

PIL have spent years ringing DH on a work day at random times like 11.30 for a chat. They seem unable to grasp that he has a lunch break 1-2pm. He can answer his phone at other times if important, but if you want to chat, ring outside work hours!

You need to put your FIL and DF in touch with each other. They sound like they have too much time on their hands - if they could occupy each other for a bit they wouldn't be pestering you so much. Do they have any similar hobbies or interests they could do together?

I spoke to my dad at 5.45pm yesterday evening, telling him about work and that I had picked baby up from nursery and was planning an early night. He sent a voice note on WA at 8.30pm, I didn't notice. This morning I had to get baby to nursery then home for an 8.30 call. I was in meetings until 2pm. He sent another message at 8.30am and at 10.30am rang to check I was ok. It's hard to not find it annoying.

You need to stop replying and ignoring them.

Why would you be entertaining such petty behaviour.

Stop answering quickly and tell them you will get back to them when you can.

They both sound selfish and annoying.

gawd, i was very short with my mother on the phone this morning.

We're moving house, packing up from 20 years, large family house to a one bed place
I have laryngitis...why i even answered the phone I don't know
We were driving 20 miles to the nearest town (within a million miles) that will take a photo to renwe my driving licence, cos it's the only hour until three weeks after the damned this expires

In spite of being told I have no voice, and I WILL phone when I am better she insists on asking after every other member of the family, and then keeps saying "what did you say, your voice is terrible, you should rest it"

Yes, mine can be like this too. Plus when we all get together, my DM is always careful my brother gets some rest and doesn’t exhaust himself playing with my DC.

I am a working widowed parent and one of my DC has some additional needs, whereas my brother lives alone (contentedly) and is free apart from working 9-5 weekdays.

It’s insane. My DB has realised and is suitably embarrassed (and then does whatever task my parents have just asked me to do).

My family expect me to be busy. I schedule them in for school holidays etc. So I've said YABU as I think it's just your family.

In laws are like this. They expect us to drop everything last minute for something they’ve organised and seen to have forgotten we are both working parents

MIL is like this - she rings every day. I don't answer the phone if I see it's her. It's mean I know but it is every day. If she asks I say I was hoovering and didn't hear it.

DH gets annoyed as well - last week she was worried he hadn't replied so she called his office and got him dragged out of a meeting! His boss thought since she'd called the office number it must be urgent - it wasn't. But DH has to pretend it was some sort of emergency to ensure his boss wasn't pissed of!

She doesn't have hobbies or many friends and she won't go out with FIL on her own. I'm really aiming not to be like this with DS.

My dp worked 60 hour weeks my entire life, evenings weekends, never made it to a play or match ever. They retired and travelled the world.
Now they call rather than text because it’s easier to make one call that many texts back and forward. Except texting means I can deal with it at work. Whereas a call means everyone gets to hesr whatever essential discussion is going on. This week it was could I take half a day to look at sofas, I bought my own bloody sofa online cause it was quicker.

It's not age, it's having more time and less routine because of retirement. And some lack of imagination of others' situation.

if you're all lucky, you might get to be like this.

Also: if your children work full time, and have got their own children to the teenage years so they sleep until midday, don’t ring at 9am. Every. Sunday. Morning.

I don’t want to get up and be bright and cheerful. I want to be asleep/ dozing/ snuggling, not chatting.

andddddddddddd if she would at least try and learn to text it would be fine... I'd happily text her all the live long day but once you are on the phone it's a whole hour at least, and plus a "oh that's my free hour, will I call you back?"
I just haven't got the time. The last few times she has called I have actually sneaked off to the bathroom while on the call to have a pee, because at least I can double task!

I think it's a combination of
Loneliness
Boredom
Life being different from when they were the same age eg kids need driven places rather than just playing out, people had more time for friends and neighbours, people lived closer to family.
Not sure whether you work but back in the day many women worked for 'pin money' so not considered a proper job
Not understanding that working from home if still actually working as hard as if you were working outside the home

Not sure what the solution is! Asking them to keep you company one day and taking them with you so they can see how much you do? It claiming car trouble and asking them for help with lifts for en entire day so they can actually understand when you're driving you cant respond?

You could try gradually increasing the time that it takes you to respond, slowly increasing over time, to every message, so they never expect an answer straight away

Get your husband more involved with messaging his side of the family so it falls on you less

@echt

It's not age, it's having more time and less routine because of retirement. And some lack of imagination of others' situation.

if you're all lucky, you might get to be like this.

Judging by most of the replies here the lack of imagination goes both ways. You crack on with your competitive busyness.

Oooooh I’ve got such a busy week. Haircut Monday, Tesco Tuesday then choir on Wednesday.

Ok MIL

My inlaws don’t have my phone number , and I only have a family ( me , DH and the DCs ) on WhatsApp
My parents are not around anymore , and Mum would never have had a mobile phone , and Dad would turn his off if he wasn’t expecting a phone call , because he didn’t want to waste money on a phone bill
So , good result. No unwanted texts or phone calls
Just leave the phone at home ( or forget to charge it )

My MIL was almost the opposite. She was always really impressed how I (or SIL) could manage to do multiple things in a day. She was really surprised that SIL (works pt) went to the gym one day when she was hosting guests in the evening. MIL literally set aside around 4-6 hours to prepare a fairly standard meal. I made a roast once when they were staying and she was amazed it took me about 2 hours (and I didnt feel the need to be in the kitchen the whole 2 hours) and if I went for a shower she would be surprised when j came back after 15 min, forgetting the fact that as a working mum of 2 children I didnt really have an hour or more spare to have a shower in the morning!

My in-laws are find. Difference is they both do voluntary work and care for elderly parents. My mum in contrast has a lot less to do and seems confused about why we are busy. Also confused about why we don’t want to spend our weekends doing jobs for her or other family members. We have our own gardening, car insurance to sort etc etc. My mum has no physical health issues etc, she just likes to outsource boring or difficult tasks

Find = fine

YANBU We have six kids between us and 12 grandchildren and adore them all but know SO MUCH that families are busy. We are sad we don’t see them more often, but would never dream of commanding their immediate attention unless a terrible emergency, as we remember what it’s like. It’s much easier for us as we have each other and I think a Grandparent on their own may struggle more.