Page 4 | Parents / Inlaws- What is it about getting older and completely forgetting what being busy is like?

Pottedpalm · 15/09/2021 08:19

@Nanny0gg

God, I hate these threads.

Yes, all us elderly, retired parents are exactly the same.

Just as you all are.

As it happens, I’m a hell of a lot busier than one of my DC who always expects me to be sitting waiting for their hour-long calls

I agree. I remember very well the pressure of family/work/home to run. I often whatsapp my DC during the day but will put ‘no rush, reply when you can’ and do not expect they will reply until maybe bedtime. I don’t ever ring them without checking first and wouldn’t dream of calling during the working day unless there was a death. However, we are frequently chastised for not picking up the phone when DD rings about her car or something funny that happened at school.

Lollypop701 · 15/09/2021 08:29

Everyone has different experiences… not all threads are relevant to each individuals even if you are the age group that is being discussed. For those of you saying this isn’t true, that’s great but there are a lot of people agreeing that it’s the case for them and getting support knowing it’s not just them. It’s not personal, it’s a vent. I love my dm but she can’t have a conversation if less than an hour, and nothing is happening in life, so it puts me off ringing…. I still call just less often and I’d prefer to call her for 15 minutes a day but hey ho!

ShingleBeach · 15/09/2021 08:44

I would be very clear and say ‘I check my messages twice a day. I am unable to respond to any messages between 3pm and 8pm’ or whatever. And then stick to it, even if you find you do have time.

Don’t be passive aggressive and just ignore or give sarky replies. Behave as if you were on work e mail or messages, because actually family and domestic duties are work, and be clear, informative and businesslike and stick to it.

twinningatlife · 15/09/2021 08:47

I get the opposite - neither work but travel between various properties they own - I work full time with lots of travel plus 8 month twins and a primary age child - but of course they are soooo much busier than me I couldn't possibly understand how busy and tiring their lives are 😆

YouHaveBeenWatching · 15/09/2021 08:57

Similar scenario for me in that I have three children and work part time - DH full time and we have no childcare just sort it between us.
The other day I had arranged to pick up my mum after morning school run and was running late due to getting cornered by DCs mates mum. I was 8 minutes after the time I had said (to be fair to me I had also said 9:15 ish) and I had text messages asking if i was ok and when she got in the car was saying she thought I'd been in accident or that my car had broke down!
I would have called to say I'm running late but I thought the "ish" would allow for 8 minutes delay!

ChrissyPlummer · 15/09/2021 08:57

Haven’t RTFT, so apologies if this is a repeat. There just wasn’t the same level of choice of activities 20/30 years ago. When I was at school, I had dancing one weeknight and on a Saturday and a swimming lesson on Saturday morning. DB played football on a Sunday. That was it. No after school clubs and certainly no 2.5 hours of driving!

Member984815 · 15/09/2021 09:00

I have this but with a person my own age , gets arsey if I don't answer calls or messages , don't know what they do all day but I'm busy

WhatsTheTimeMrCat · 15/09/2021 09:03

My MIL was like this, bless her. She’d graduated to the “one activity a day” club quite quickly - you know, couldn’t possibly pop to the post office in the afternoon because she had art club that morning, that sort of thing. I do think activities expand to fill the time available with a lot of people.

My DM absolutely gets it and would never dream of bothering me at work unless an immediate family member had died or been admitted to hospital. Although she is very resentful of suggestions that her generation (baby boomers) had it easier, she does think it was easier for her as a parent of young children as she didn’t work, whereas my DSis and I are both juggling work and young kids as well as running a home.

My DF doesn’t really understand why DH isn’t able to spend all weekend, every weekend, doing DIY. But DM didn’t work when we were small and so DF wasn’t expected to look after his own children or do housework - he came home at 1800 to a hot dinner on the table every night and spent weekends on DIY projects or in the garden. Whereas we both work and share the domestic and childcare load fairly evenly.

SpnBaby1967 · 15/09/2021 09:14

My Mum retired in her early 50s and was suddenly soooooo busy. I know it used to upset my sisters that she wasnt available because she had decided to go for a walk/geocaching or do her crafting. They felt those things could be shuffled around to accommodate them since they are working.

My PIL moved to a remote farm (no animals) and FIL takes great delight telling us how he is more busy than he ever was at his job where he was very high level and worked significant shifts. What he means is, he starts drinking whiskey at 8am, by 3pm hes fucked and goes to bed till around 1am where he'll then potter about doing odd jobs before he starts drinking again. MIL is more understanding, she keeps "normal" hours.

DH and I both work full time, in high pressured jobs and have 3 kids (I'm waiting for a Teams meeting to start whilst I type this) plus I have an evening activity which I am the club owner for so am out 2 evenings and 1 weekend morning. DH also has his own club so he's gone two evenings as well. But according to FIL we're never as busy as he is and should be grateful we're not retired.

Antsinyourpanta · 15/09/2021 09:45

Haven’t RTFT, so apologies if this is a repeat. There just wasn’t the same level of choice of activities 20/30 years ago. When I was at school, I had dancing one weeknight and on a Saturday and a swimming lesson on Saturday morning. DB played football on a Sunday. That was it. No after school clubs and certainly no 2.5 hours of driving!

I remember doing various activities when I was a kid in the 80s. Youth club (attached to church) brownies, tennis, dancing (at school) athletics (at school) although on rotation so I probably did 2 activities per week. They were restricted to things attached to school or walking distance because my mum didnt drive.
Other people did horse riding, karate, football and gymnastics. I dont know if there was the same expectation to do as many extra curricular clubs, although even now they are all optional.

My DC have only ever done 2 or 3 activities per week (mainly from budget constraints although I'm not sure they particularly wanted to do any more than that) and now at secondary they each only do one (but 3 or 4 times a week , and they can get to the venue themself)

Timeforredwine · 15/09/2021 09:48

It isnt that they have forgotten, its that their life has slowed down and theyve been there done all what we are all doing, thing is they got on with it and probably did more and were more unselfish. These days everyone thinks they are busier than anyine has ever been, just get on with it & maybe have some compassion for the people who bought you up and provided everything for you instead of seeing them as a nuisance. Sorry i know the thread was asking for examples and lighthearted but just slightly annoyed me🤔🙂. Brilliant thread to read though.

Nacreous · 15/09/2021 09:58

The thing that really entertains me about this particular issue is that my parents used to complain about how their parents were "busy" when all they'd had to do was post a letter. My parents have now retired and tell me how busy they are and include posting letters as part of that business...

Greydog · 15/09/2021 10:00

I have a similar problem, but I'm retired, and everyone expects me to stop what I'm doing and rush to their assistance at once. They seem to think because I like to drive, so I can take them anywhere at anytime. I loved lockdown as it cured people of that. I admit I'm not as busy when I was at work, but I still have a lot of things to do, and have never been to a coffee morning, or a choir practice!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 15/09/2021 10:02

I think it's more a "tasks expanding to fit time available" thing than an age thing. You occasionally see it here too on threads about SAHPs of school age children. I can remember the one who said she couldn't possibly do anything on Tuesday afternoon, as she had to put away the internet shop.

UndercoverIntrovert · 15/09/2021 10:09

My ILs do this. AND they've moved far far away (yay!) but now always ask us when we're going to visit - which means taking annual leave/driving 8 hours each way etc.

MIL has also forgotten how to feed people. She had 3 teenage boys at one point, but will now invite us all for dinner and present one pizza and a few chicken wings for 11 people - it's embarrassing!!

SW1amp · 15/09/2021 10:11

My MIL is like this
Cannot understand why I don't have endless hours on top of my full time job, toddler wrangling, 2 dogs, 1 volunteer role and pregnancy to do gardening/cleaning/crafting/baking/helping out her friend's son with a CV

Obviously golden child SIL, who is a SAHM with 3 school-aged children is the busiest person on the earth and every thing she does should be celebrated as a gold medal of time management and efficiency

Malin52 · 15/09/2021 10:26

We get this in reverse when we try to make arrangements to see retired PIL. It's always a massive ball ache because we have to work around their hectic schedules
Conversation goes:
Us:
'We are thinking of coming up to visit for a few days in the week beginning the 5th'
PIL:
'Oh now that's a busy week! Well it can't be Monday because that's the day we go to Asda, Tuesday Dad has the dentist and Wednesday well Norma is having her coffee morning because she can't do next week now because she's having the kitchen floors done, Thursday I've to pop out to the precinct because that's the day my order is supposed to be arriving and well Friday as you know is the farm shop day. So yes it's crazy here but I suppose I will have to say Wednesday then and let Norma know, she'll be upset because I was going to make the cake she likes oh dear it's all so hectic dear me!'

For context, we visit them from NZ. I feel like shouting "for fucks sake! we've travelled 12000 miles! You can sack off Norma for one week and popping to the precinct takes 5 fucking minutes! You are not fucking busy!!" We suggested they moved farm shop day once. There was a lots of puffing and shaking of heads because 'that's the day he gets his potatoes in'

showmethegin · 15/09/2021 10:30

My in laws are a bit like this but not with texts but with stuff around the house. We've lived in this house for a year and half in which time we've completed renovated (back to brick) two bedrooms, two reception rooms, put a new bathroom in, sanded floors, hall, stairs, stripped and repainted all woodwork and done a garden clearance, worked from home through Covid, had three miscarriages, had pre cancerous cells removed under general; the list goes on! And STILL when they come round for a cuppa start saying, you need to remortar your patio, have you still not taken that tree down, make sure you hoe your garden once a week, you need a new meter cabinet blah blah blah blah!!!

It drives me nuts. Last time FIL did it I just said well you know where we are if you want to sort it.

Original poster

Silverswirl · 15/09/2021 10:31

Thank you for your answers - I must admit some of them have had me cracking up.
Of course I love my father and FIL dearly and appreciate all they have done for me / us in the past but I just wanted a vent really about the parts that have been winding me up!
So good to hear that I’m not alone and some really funny stories there.
I do think that it’s more of a retirement thing rather than age. And yes a task filling up
Time makes sense.
I can so so relate to the one activity per day comments as this is what both sets my my parents are like.
It just makes me surprised when my FIL calls or messages, I don’t reply straight away and then I get told off. I do think this has a lot to do with the fact that MIL never worked when kids were at school and I think he does think a woman’s place is at home. He assumes the job I do is for pin money most definitely and has never taken it seriously.

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverswirl · 15/09/2021 10:34

@showmethegin

My in laws are a bit like this but not with texts but with stuff around the house. We've lived in this house for a year and half in which time we've completed renovated (back to brick) two bedrooms, two reception rooms, put a new bathroom in, sanded floors, hall, stairs, stripped and repainted all woodwork and done a garden clearance, worked from home through Covid, had three miscarriages, had pre cancerous cells removed under general; the list goes on! And STILL when they come round for a cuppa start saying, you need to remortar your patio, have you still not taken that tree down, make sure you hoe your garden once a week, you need a new meter cabinet blah blah blah blah!!!

It drives me nuts. Last time FIL did it I just said well you know where we are if you want to sort it.

This!! FIL is always asking why we haven’t done stuff. Things such as ‘you should clean that car inside and out every 2 weeks’ ‘Make sure you give your lawnmower a really good clean weekly’ Go round your lawn daily with a weeding tool to get weeds out. Errr yes sure!

OP posts:

ChrissyPlummer · 15/09/2021 10:36

@Antsinyourpanta

Haven’t RTFT, so apologies if this is a repeat. There just wasn’t the same level of choice of activities 20/30 years ago. When I was at school, I had dancing one weeknight and on a Saturday and a swimming lesson on Saturday morning. DB played football on a Sunday. That was it. No after school clubs and certainly no 2.5 hours of driving!

I remember doing various activities when I was a kid in the 80s. Youth club (attached to church) brownies, tennis, dancing (at school) athletics (at school) although on rotation so I probably did 2 activities per week. They were restricted to things attached to school or walking distance because my mum didnt drive.
Other people did horse riding, karate, football and gymnastics. I dont know if there was the same expectation to do as many extra curricular clubs, although even now they are all optional.

My DC have only ever done 2 or 3 activities per week (mainly from budget constraints although I'm not sure they particularly wanted to do any more than that) and now at secondary they each only do one (but 3 or 4 times a week , and they can get to the venue themself)

The choices were there and we did a few different things as we got older and our tastes changed. There was a youth club I went to in the early ‘90s and we were allowed to walk as long as there was a few of us as it was only a few minutes away. My parents wouldn’t have devoted hours and hours every week driving us around though.

It was just more the norm to do just one thing though; I danced and swam (parents insisted we learned as neither of them can), Jill did horse riding, Alison did gymnastics etc. Not real names!

Bengal12 · 15/09/2021 11:13

It’s not just retired parents! A single, working, friend of mine recently gave me a mini lecture about the importance of ‘scheduling things otherwise they won’t happen’.
That was on the back of me saying that I really don’t have time to join her for a weekly 2-hour life drawing class. ‘I ran my own company and still find time’. Obviously, mu being an employee (middle management, long hours) means I should have more time. And forget about 2 kids (so have to cook dinner as well as just be there for them) a dog, weekly Italian conversation class, gym and a daily call to my elderly parents (30-45 mins). And that’s before you factor in my lovely but needy FWB-turned-kinda-BF who is dying to move in and play house together 😂.

SchoolRunEscapee · 15/09/2021 11:25

This is my dad exactly. He has absolutely nothing to do (which on rare occasions he acknowledges) but if he does do something, like have a doctors appointment, suddenly its so hard being old because you are so busy with doctors appointments (maybe one every six months)

He also seems personally offended by all weather and talks as if someone is to blame for it, Boris Johnson perhaps? He hates rain but for the first time ever said its fine after 6-7 in the evening because people are home....seeming to ignore the fact that a lot of people aren't actually home. I think he has lost what little empathy he did have and has become completely wrapped up in his own little routine.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 15/09/2021 11:36

My in laws are like this… it’s knackering.

Macncheeseballs · 15/09/2021 11:42

I don't understand why people create a really busy life for themselves and then complain about it, 2.5 hours of driving kids to clubs is crazy unless of course you're aiming for the next emma raducanu