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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what she actually expects us to do?

130 replies

VirtuallyAll · 14/09/2021 15:28

My husbands ex has sent a message stating that it's not acceptable that my DSC are being woken in the night by our baby, they have told her they are tired a couple of times now apparently and they can't be tired before school so "we need to sort it".

AIBU to wonder what she actually expects us to do?

I am sleeping downstairs on the sofa with a new baby (in their basket obviously!) to try and limit the noise for the rest of the house but short of putting baby in the shed at night, we can't guarantee no one will ever be woken in the night by crying.

Baby isn't even that bad. They wake once or twice a night but it's never usually for long, they aren't left crying and crying for hours or anything like that.

I don't know whether to just ignore this? She was annoyed about DH having another DC anyway, could it just be trying to throw some sort of spanner?

DSC haven't said anything although I appreciate they may not have wanted to, but all in all they seem happy and really enjoying having a baby sibling.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 14/09/2021 17:43

[quote sillysmiles]**@girlmom21* @ancientgran*
Yes sorry, half not step.

But my point though being, if they were full siblings and lived there 100% - they would just have to get used to it - like all children with younger siblings.[/quote]
I get it, I'm just sensitised to the half/step thing as it wound my kids up so much, they don't really like the half either. They all say, "We came out of the same womb, if that doesn't make us siblings what does."

TartanJumper · 14/09/2021 17:43

My advice is not even entertain her. Ignore.

ancientgran · 14/09/2021 17:43

No disrespect to half siblings who share a father by the way just for mine it was one womb.

Glssr195726113493 · 14/09/2021 17:48

She’s clearly struggling with the fact that he’s had another child with another woman, and in her inability to process it and feel ok, it’s mKing her behave irrationally and be difficult. Just feel sorry for her and ignore it.

Mymapuddlington · 14/09/2021 17:52

@ancientgran
I find that quite sad, adopted children should be part of the family, surrogacy children should as well. Just because a baby didn’t come from the same womb doesn’t mean they’re not siblings.

ManifestDestinee · 14/09/2021 17:59

They all say, "We came out of the same womb, if that doesn't make us siblings what does.

Having the same parents makes them full siblings. All coming out of one woman makes them half. Surely you explained that to them?

Viddy2021 · 14/09/2021 17:59

@Disfordarkchocolate

Get back to your bed and ignore this rubbish. She didn't decide to only have one child to protect her eldest from the hideous imposition of occasionally hearing a crying baby at night did she?
Well said!
headintheproverbial · 14/09/2021 17:59

I'd just ignore this. If the sibling were living with them full time they'd be woken up too. This is just normal family life and will be for a a short time only. Also - wtaf are you doing sleeping on the couch. Get into your own bed!!! They can sleep on blow ups downstairs if it is really that bad!

Toodlydoo · 14/09/2021 18:03

Must be irritating being woken up (I found it irritating myself) but its a baby! They cry, there is literally nothing you can do about that.

Stop sleeping on the sofa as well, go back to your own bedroom, tell the kids the options, headphones, white noise shut the door or sleep at their mums.

And ignore the ex, just ignore her, there is nothing you can do to stop the baby crying, I can’t imagine what she thinks you are actually able to do about it - having had two of her own she bloody knows theres nothing you can do.

girlmom21 · 14/09/2021 18:13

@ManifestDestinee

They all say, "We came out of the same womb, if that doesn't make us siblings what does.

Having the same parents makes them full siblings. All coming out of one woman makes them half. Surely you explained that to them?

Those of us with large blended families don't really feel the need to distinguish between step/half/full siblings. I grew up closer to my step sister than I did my half siblings - it's easier and more pleasant to call everyone brothers and sisters.

Some people use half/step to dismiss the closeness of a sibling bond.

MilesOfSand · 14/09/2021 18:14

[quote OutOfSite]@FreeBritnee I'd ertainly be discussing it with my ex husband to see if there's anything we could do to alleviate the issue.[/quote]
Like a new mother sleeping on the sofa and a a few shitty messages? Lots to feel good about!

mellicauli · 14/09/2021 18:20

Obviously she's being a bit ridiculous with her threats, but maybe you could put the kids to bed 30 mins earlier if they are tired the next day on a regular basis.

Mymapuddlington · 14/09/2021 18:23

Why are you sleeping on the sofa?
Tell the kids you’re sorry their new baby brother/sister cries at night and you appreciate how disruptive it can be but there’s not much you can do about it.
They’re welcome to ear plugs or to have an audiobook or something if they think that will help.

Minniem2020 · 14/09/2021 18:30

I'm wondering if the kids have actually even said anything to their mum. Up until around 12 months ds was awake every 2-3 hours, now he's 3 he can still be up in the night. Whenever I'm up in the night I've always checked on all the other kids and theyve all always slept through it.

mumwon · 14/09/2021 18:30

um I had 3 dc No 2 & 3 were dire sleepers
funnily enough dc got use to it & slept through
so did my dh
I had to kick him quite hard to take his turn
(we are still married over 40 years later)

BlankTimes · 14/09/2021 18:32

There are loads of different things to help block out noise so you get a good night's sleep, so if the kids don't like the usual foam type earplugs, there are several alternatives, not all of them are expensive. It's just finding something that they find acceptable and which works for them and you. I know, easier said than done!

Sleep headbands
Sleep headphones
Calmer night to dumb down night time noise
White noise machines or apps
Pink noise machines or apps
Natural sleep sounds rainforest etc. CDs or apps or youtube
How to get back to sleep tips.
Good Luck Flowers

mumwon · 14/09/2021 18:33

seriously dd 2 had eczema & we took shifts so each could get some sleep during the night (early until midnight versus post midnight & he did one full night at the weekend)

mumwon · 14/09/2021 18:35

& op oil the hinges of their door & when they fall asleep shut their bedroom door

whynotwhatknot · 14/09/2021 18:40

And what if ex decides to have another child will she be limiting the noise ther aswell

fucking batshit jsut ignore her

Anonymous48 · 14/09/2021 18:41

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is referring to your baby as "they". You only have one, right, or have I misunderstood and it's twins?

Auntycorruption · 14/09/2021 18:42

@VirtuallyAll

The youngest won't have the door closed, absolutely no way. We could broach it again with them but they really don't like it.

They do have an air purifier in their room which makes a bit of noise, but we could look into some sort of white noise machine.

Close it after they're asleep for the night?

Agree you should go back to your own bed. Kids have white noise apps or loud fans in their rooms. Everyone gets used to the new family set up. Ignore ex and her shit stirring - if you pander now it will only get repeated when baby is hitting / biting / throwing food / drawing on previous coursework etc.

ancientgran · 14/09/2021 18:50

@ManifestDestinee

They all say, "We came out of the same womb, if that doesn't make us siblings what does.

Having the same parents makes them full siblings. All coming out of one woman makes them half. Surely you explained that to them?

Yes they understand the biology but as far as they were concerned they were brothers and sisters and they hated people referring to thier step brohter/sister and hated it almost as much if people referred to their half sister/brother.
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2021 18:51

Get back in your bed woman. Our room was next to DSC’s room and I know DD never woke her up as I could hear DSS snoring when I was up feeding her.

Ignore the daft woman, her nose is probably out of joint about your lovely new baby and she’s having a pop to upset you.

ancientgran · 14/09/2021 18:52

girlmom21Those of us with large blended families don't really feel the need to distinguish between step/half/full siblings. I grew up closer to my step sister than I did my half siblings - it's easier and more pleasant to call everyone brothers and sisters.
Some people use half/step to dismiss the closeness of a sibling bond.

Exactly right and when my late MIL did it, she was the main offender, she was definitely trying to make a point about her GC needing to be closer to each other than to their other siblings. Didn't work though.

HungryHippo11 · 14/09/2021 18:53

The step children will get used to it. When my second daughter was born, her crying used to wake up my 3 year old. She very quickly learned to sleep through it.