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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to put daughter into nursery

142 replies

lollypop29 · 13/09/2021 18:00

Hi everyone

Im feeling pretty sensitive right now so please no nasty comments.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact id like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week - starting in 6 months time (which will make her 22 months old)

I am a stay at home mum and my husband works very long hours...id really like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week, both so I can focus on doing something for myself like starting a business and so my daughter can socialise more.

I love being a SAHM but I do miss having something for 'me' like my own money and my own ambitions. My dad also passed away two weeks ago today and I feel like the grief of this is also making me crave time to myself, as I'm sure we all know with a toddler days are pretty noisy and I'm finding I can't sit and process or even think about what has happened with my dad.

My husband doesn't agree with sending our daughter into 'paid' childcare because I am at home, and I just don't know what to do. Our health visitor has also recommended starting nursery for socialisation.

Thankyou

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 14/09/2021 11:38

@thepeopleversuswork would you be happy working and supporting another adult at home and then also pay extortionate childcare fees on top of mortgage etc because they wanted some 'me time'?

Personally I wouldn't which is what the OP asked.

Tooshytoshine · 14/09/2021 11:41

Your husband sounds like he is being a bit of an arseholes tbh.

Toddlers are intense yet often dull company. You need time to yourself. His reluctance to pay for it with "his money" tells you a lot about how he views your roles and values your time - remember he can only work long hours if you provide wraparound flexible childcare.

I would be fighting my corner on this - he completely lacks insight, empathy or any sense of shared responsibility for childcare.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2021 11:44

[quote TeachesOfPeaches]@thepeopleversuswork would you be happy working and supporting another adult at home and then also pay extortionate childcare fees on top of mortgage etc because they wanted some 'me time'?

Personally I wouldn't which is what the OP asked.[/quote]
No I wouldn't.
Which is why I have recommended to the OP that her first priority is to get out of her marriage.

Tooshytoshine · 14/09/2021 11:44

Ps. Get on a training course for a career or set yourself up- you seem to understand your husband isn't going to change. Or if your inheritance is more significant then just leave. He is preventing your escape plan and it is totally unacceptable to go out until 3am without telling your partner...

BoredZelda · 14/09/2021 12:00

I don't see a problem with this personally.

Really? You don’t see a problem with a father paying for nursery for his own child, so their mother can go out to work?

LidlMiddleLover · 14/09/2021 12:13

You are being honest about why you are doing it

It will benefit you so you will then be a better mum

If you can afford it do it

Bunnycat101 · 14/09/2021 12:15

BoredZelda I think it depends a lot about how she has pitched it tbh.

If it has been ‘ I need 2 days to myself and might start a business’ that sounds a bit weak and I think in all honesty many working parents would be a bit dubious. If she had a job lined up or a strong business proposal it might be a very different conversation.

Arguably with one toddler, there could be time to start scoping the business during nap or evenings. Having the fixed costs of nursery with no income coming in isn’t necessarily an attractive prospect financially.

My husband would absolutely support me to be a sahm to look after the children (I’m not as it happens) but I really don’t think he’d be that impressed if I’d said I wanted to be at home without working or looking after the children for two full days.

YouMeandtheSpew · 14/09/2021 12:19

This isn’t about needing ‘time for yourself’ in the way a lot of us would understand ‘time for yourself’ - ie time to have bubble baths and go to the gym.

It’s about having time to yourself to grieve for your father, and time to yourself to figure out how to rejoin the workforce so you can leave your abusive arse of a husband. I expect deep down he realises that which is why he’s reluctant to pay. Because for as long as he’s got you trapped at home with a toddler, he’s got you where he wants you.

To be honest, I would probably be annoyed if I was working FT, never got any time to myself and my non-earning partner wanted me to pay for nursery so he or she could have two days a week purely for spa treatments. But that isn’t what’s happening here - far from it. Sounds like he gets plenty of me-time for a start.

ittakes2 · 14/09/2021 12:26

I think you are overthinking this - nursery is good for their education and socialisation and helps them get ready for school. Mine started at 6 months - I do have twins but even if there was a single child I still would have still put them in.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 14/09/2021 12:26

@lollypop29. Agree with other posters. Bin the dh now. Sort that out and then look about work/business. As an aside i do agree with daycare but maybe 4 half days would give you more routinr / help her settle..

DinosaurPantz · 14/09/2021 12:37

Unemployed mum here, my almost 3 year old has been going since he was 2. He goes for three afternoons a week and he absolutely loves it.

Think of it this way, if you yourself took your child to a play area twice a week, well you can only go for an hour or two and you can’t guarantee any other children will play with your child, you yourself when they are that age have to be in with them, watching them and in the end it’s a sweaty, stressful, not very fun for you time.

nursery however, all the children will play with your child, they learn, they sing, they dance, they get independence, they eat new food, all while you get time to relax yourself. nursery isn’t compulsory and i think that’s where parent guilt sets in. you don’t feel guilty sending your child to school, so no one should feel guilty sending their toddler to nursery. Nursery is the most chuffin fun part of the education system!!! Send your wee one, they’ll love it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2021 17:59

I am full time plus working single mum (as in I work long hours). Like others I still have sympathy with the OP - for a start I don’t have some git telling me what I can and can’t do!

My children are also older - 7 and 13 - so nothing like having a baby or toddler to care for - they are capable of interesting conversation for a start!

Boobieboobieboobie · 14/09/2021 18:02

@lollypop29

Yes, we can afford it and he has the weekends and every evening to himself. He goes out multiple times a week without even communicating with me that's he's going out, so often I'll be sitting at home wondering what he's up to and he'll roll in drunk on a Monday night at 3am, without even a simple text to say he's going out after work
Op, I’m sorry for your loss.Flowers I’m really sad to read about at best another manchild on here. What are you getting from this relationship?
Boobieboobieboobie · 14/09/2021 18:04

I thought you left him? Or am I getting you confused with another poster?

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/09/2021 18:07

@DinosaurPantz

Unemployed mum here, my almost 3 year old has been going since he was 2. He goes for three afternoons a week and he absolutely loves it.

Think of it this way, if you yourself took your child to a play area twice a week, well you can only go for an hour or two and you can’t guarantee any other children will play with your child, you yourself when they are that age have to be in with them, watching them and in the end it’s a sweaty, stressful, not very fun for you time.

nursery however, all the children will play with your child, they learn, they sing, they dance, they get independence, they eat new food, all while you get time to relax yourself. nursery isn’t compulsory and i think that’s where parent guilt sets in. you don’t feel guilty sending your child to school, so no one should feel guilty sending their toddler to nursery. Nursery is the most chuffin fun part of the education system!!! Send your wee one, they’ll love it.

The question isn’t whether it’s a good idea to send them to nursery - but the division of labour between working and SAHP. OP’s husband is an unreasonable twat and clearly doesn’t care about his family but for other working parents the answer really depends on the shared workload.
Stellaroses · 14/09/2021 18:18

I actually think YABU and although your dh could be kinder about it and discuss a solution that tfeels right for both of you, I would have had a similar reaction. I'm the breadwinner and my dh is the SAHP (2 kids). I'd be v Confused if he suggested extra childcare and it would feel ungrateful for everything I do to keep family finances ticking over. Having said that, I do a lot with both children when I'm home - and that's where your problem lies really. Why can't you have me time at the weekend while he takes over to give you time to grieve? That's what a loving partner would do.

Bobsyer · 14/09/2021 18:20

YANBU.

I’d get a job though if I were you, rather than starting a company. We so often see on here that when a man starts a company, his wife picks up the slack. When a woman starts a company - she still picks up the slack. He sounds like the type to assume that you’ll do your free lance stuff when it’s convenient to him - so when baby is in bed. If you get a job then you’re out at the office (or wherever) at certain times with a guaranteed steady wage.

Good luck!

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