Wanting to put daughter into nursery

[lollypop29]

Hi everyone

Im feeling pretty sensitive right now so please no nasty comments.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact id like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week - starting in 6 months time (which will make her 22 months old)

I am a stay at home mum and my husband works very long hours...id really like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week, both so I can focus on doing something for myself like starting a business and so my daughter can socialise more.

I love being a SAHM but I do miss having something for 'me' like my own money and my own ambitions. My dad also passed away two weeks ago today and I feel like the grief of this is also making me crave time to myself, as I'm sure we all know with a toddler days are pretty noisy and I'm finding I can't sit and process or even think about what has happened with my dad.

My husband doesn't agree with sending our daughter into 'paid' childcare because I am at home, and I just don't know what to do. Our health visitor has also recommended starting nursery for socialisation.

Thankyou

@SomebodysMum 😂😂 haha brilliant

He sounds like a real shit and I'm not surprised that you're getting sick of him.

But before you do anything, please speak to a solicitor. (Caveat: the following was in the US) When my cousin's now-ex left her she was a sahm with 2 small children who worked one day a week with her mum providing free childcare. Her ex 'insisted' that she start working full time so he didn't have to 'support two households' (the 2nd being his with OW).

She saw an attorney who told her under NO circumstances should she do anything that would change her finances as that could negatively affect her child support, possible alimony, and financial settlement. He told her the divorce should be done based on her situation as the time her ex vacated the marital home. She refused to work more hours and came away with generous child support, alimony for 5 years, and the family home. If she hadn't educated herself and done as he said, she would have come off much worse.

Again, see a solicitor before you start any kind of work or start up a business.

Sorry about your dad . Your dh does not sound supportive.
Any chance you could get legal advice soon and see which would be the best time to divorce.

Oh god 🙄 another man who thinks childcare is free/housework etc, because you are the woman/mother, but doesn't realise, that if you wanted to be at work, that unless he wanted to stay home and do it, that it doesn't come for free, because you can do it. I mean I take it your situation is different to mine, in that your DP or sorry is it DH, works and provides, because my exP didn't, and didn't want to support me going to work etc, and also said he wanted me at home, but we were living in one tiny room in a shared house, so my circumstances were not good, but he was abusive, hence the reason we are now separated. But even now his 'work' is so important, but we do not benefit from it, so I don't really care. He just expects that I will work it all out.
But he had to take a short shock reminder, that if he was full time carer and working, in his trade, you need to start at like 7/7.30. And don't finish until at least 4pm! So my question to him was 'okay, so how would you collect the child'?! I just get a 'I know'.

@lollypop29

Yes, we can afford it and he has the weekends and every evening to himself. He goes out multiple times a week without even communicating with me that's he's going out, so often I'll be sitting at home wondering what he's up to and he'll roll in drunk on a Monday night at 3am, without even a simple text to say he's going out after work

Oh god OP, I hadn't read this before my other reply. Sounds like my exP, only that the 3am thing happened like twice, and weekend nights out stopped, but he still had his wind down time after work(from a background where coffee is the be all and end all) and then he would go early in the morning Sat and Sunday's to do something he liked, then come back home and spend the time with us, most of the time, but would still fit in afternoons and evenings where he could, doing his own thing! Now lol the tables have reversed, as he has our DC every weekend, and I get my time and get to go out etc.

It sounds like you are being taken advantage of really. You have every right to be able to pursue your own things and life too, and look at work etc. And have your free time too. Otherwise if your DH is saying your DC has you, no need for nursery, then you are doing a full time job too, and that requires free time to yourself at the weekends too!!

@Isanyholeagoal

Don’t you get 15 hrs free when your dd is 2 anyway?

Only if you are on certain benefits or salary low. As OP has replied below, her DH earns over the threshold. It's from age 3 that all 3 and 4 year olds get 15hrs free a week, and 30 if one or both of you works. I think there is a weekly amount you need to be earning, to qualify, but it is quite low from what I heard.

@lollypop29

Yes, we can afford it and he has the weekends and every evening to himself. He goes out multiple times a week without even communicating with me that's he's going out, so often I'll be sitting at home wondering what he's up to and he'll roll in drunk on a Monday night at 3am, without even a simple text to say he's going out after work

You need to present him with facts. How many hours has he had to himself over a two week period, outside work? How many have you had? Then ask him if he can see a problem with you being on ‘duty’ 24/7. The alternative is he forfeits his alone time so he never gets to switch off and sees how he likes it.

[quote lollypop29]@ViciousJackdaw really? Why do you think I should divorce first? I was hoping to build my business and have financial stability before I divorced [/quote]
The sooner you are out, the better. Wait any longer to leave and he'll obliterate your self esteem. He'll make you feel as though you simply couldn't succeed in business, or indeed anything other than wifework.

I've seen this happen so many times over the years (am old bag!). Women resolve to leave an abusive DH 'soon' yet remain married several years later, having been ground down by him. Miserable lives, with sons who behave like their fathers and daughters who end up with men just like their fathers.

Your life can be different. Your life can be as happy as you want it to be.

In the meantime, please make sure your contraception is present and correct. The last thing you need is another child with this man.

This doesn't sound like a marriage built to last I'm afraid OP. He's incredibly selfish.

YANBU when I was a SAHM I did exactly that, put my DC into childcare 2days at similar ages and my husband (who was actually completely useless with the DC too) fully encouraged it. I finished a masters and then started a PhD in that time but there were plenty of days when I did absolutely nothing just chill out and relax without a child annoying me. I didn't feel one iota of guilt as 99% of the parenting was otherwise down to me and I actually needed that break or I would have been the worst mother. I lived for those days to myself!

I never understand why so many posts on mumsnet say how going to nursery early is better for socialization . Mine never went, neither did any of my friends children, we took them to tumbletots, playgroup, music groups, swimming etc...in which they got lots of socialization and have grown into well rounded adults.
Why not be honest ,like the op is and say it's for time on your own without your child.

we took them to tumbletots, playgroup, music groups, swimming etc...in which they got lots of socialization

That's fine but there are plenty of children who don't get taken to such places, often because the parents are naturally shy or introverted to go, so nursery would be better than nothing

I think some people are being quite harsh on your husband. I know families who have done this and the husband has questioned the need for childcare when the wife is at home. Sometimes it can be difficult on 1 salary and nurseries aren’t cheap, so I think I’d be at leash raising some concerns when there’s a parent who is staying at home to care for the child. You will be entitled to some free hours when your daughter is 3.

That said I do think he’s being unreasonable given the fact you’ve had a bereavement.

Yanbu. Your husband doesn’t sound very supportive while you’re grieving. Going out getting drunk, being tight fisted with his high salary and saying he won’t pay for DD to go to nursery to make things a little easier for you.

Nursery will be great for DD. My DD has been going to playgroup since she turned 2 (sometimes full days sometimes half days) and is starting nursery class at school in the next few weeks. Those sessions at playgroup helped DD to come on leaps and bounds and it also gave me a little bit of space.

If it’s to start a business I can’t see the problem. If you wanted to go out to work 2 days a week would that be an issue?

Don't start a business before the divorce otherwise your husband will have some claim on it. Divorce now.

Sorry for the loss of your dad, I know how hard that is.

I assume you arent planning on more kids then as the relationship is struggling? With just one child, nursery is really important for their peer group socialisation.

I agree with you re nursery. Just do it. What is your access to money like, is his salary paid into a shared account or not?

I would in fact use the inheritance from my dad if that was all the money I had and I could access it rapidly (no point if probate takes a year).

I put my DS in nursery two days a week just before age 2, because I wanted the social benefits for him (no groups due to covid restrictions but nursery was open at this stage) and also I was absolutely shattered after home-schooling, running the home and doing all the nights (co-sleeping with DS in spare room as DH needed to rest for a very busy professional job). I paid for nursery with my own savings until that ran out in May, now DH pays but will not continue to do so if I don't work, so I've been looking and I start this month returning to my old career but at a new more local and flexible employer at a lower management level. I'm afraid I couldn't turn enough profit from a business of my own - I want to contribute to a pension too, and build up my savings which are now gone. I don't like vulnerable without my own money, even though in theory I have a proportion of the .marital assets of we ever split.

Knowing that my DS is already adjusted and happy at nursery, having a fab relationship with the key worker and nursery manager, is so helpful - I'm really glad I invested in his nursery hours.

Is there really NOTHING you can do related to your old career in the City? A lot of jobs now permit hybrid working or 100% wfh. My new job is 100% at home whereas previously would have been 100% office based. Personally I wouldn't be contemplating a job in another sector. And I'd only start a business if I had a really good business plan put together.

Talk to DH in a way that shows him advantages - show him some numbers, explain how it is an investment towards a future where you are back at work full time. Point out you never intended to be a SAHM forever, and what happens when kid is at school and you are wafting around all day? It won't be easy to get back into work then after 5 years. What is his rationale for waiting, if you want to start working again? It makes sense to resume your career. It makes sense to give your only child time with kids his own age, without you hovering.

What sort of salary does your DH earn? What are the Costa of childcare near you and what is it you would want to do with the two days?

Send her to nursery if you feel she’s ready to go. If she isn’t ready and dislikes it, you can always remove her and try again when she’s older.
In all honesty, I would also suggest doing 3 days a week if you can afford it - it’s a good balance then, and from my sons time in nursery, 3 days in nursery helps them settle more than 2 days

I'm a single parent but would be pretty pissed off to work full time for someone to stay at home and then also pay hundreds of pounds in childcare on top

I agree that the first thing your inheritance should go to is seeing a lawyer to understand the options for financial settlement. You may be better off separating now and then getting a job.

OP I put my toddler into a childminder one day a week and don't feel an ounce of guilt. We were both really worried he would be adversely affected by the pandemic and toddler group closures etc. I catch up on admin, calls, work bits and house stuff I can't do when and my other 2 kids are there. I personally wouldn't put him in for 2 days a week but my husband is supportive and helps after work. I do work every weekend too (just a day).

I think your DH attitude is the problem. Your life has changed massively but his has not. He can get drunk, go out for hours, go to work and basically live his life how he wants. Why are you putting up with that? DH started this nonsense after ds1 was born (though nowhere near to the same extent) and I told him that if he wanted to live the life of a single man then he would be one. I started looking for houses 25 miles away as all his friends did it on that town social circle then told him I was moving with ds to get away from it all and he could come with us or not but I wasn't putting up with that and DS deserved better. I meant it. I would rather have been a lone parent than be treated like that. OP stand up to your DH. Keep a diary for a couple of weeks of how often he is out then sit him down and make it clear you won't put up with it. He wants the family but not the responsibility, work or to even give you time and respect. Your not s door mat stop letting him treat you like one.

From what you’ve said he sounds an arse but as always there will be two sides. A few questions I immediately had were:

• how keen was he for you to be a sahm in the first place?
• your inheritance is effectively his inheritance- what are your plans for the money because on the face of it, suggesting spending some of the inheritance money on nursery isn’t really they outrageous.
• how comfortable are you, do you already have high outgoings, debt etc?
• how much control and access do you have to money? I’ve always said if I was a sahm I’d still want a bit of nursery but two full days to have some ‘me time’ would have probably annoyed my husband as well a few half days seems to be more of the typical pattern among peers of mine who are at home.

Him not being present is a different issue to tackle and if you’re miserable you may find divorce better for you all.

Your DH is not the boss. Just put her in nursery and set up the direct debit from the joint account.
If you split because of his attitude he'll have shot himself in the foot having to care for his DD 24/7 half of every week. Not so much free time for him then.
Remind him of that.

Your DH sounds like an absolute bully.

DSgoing to nursery 2 days a week was brilliant for us. He loved the socialisation and mentally the break was wonderful. I looked forward to seeing him so much towards pick up and he was excited to see me after having a great day playing and learning with his new friends. Couldnt recommend it enough.