Wanting to put daughter into nursery

[lollypop29]

Hi everyone

Im feeling pretty sensitive right now so please no nasty comments.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact id like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week - starting in 6 months time (which will make her 22 months old)

I am a stay at home mum and my husband works very long hours...id really like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week, both so I can focus on doing something for myself like starting a business and so my daughter can socialise more.

I love being a SAHM but I do miss having something for 'me' like my own money and my own ambitions. My dad also passed away two weeks ago today and I feel like the grief of this is also making me crave time to myself, as I'm sure we all know with a toddler days are pretty noisy and I'm finding I can't sit and process or even think about what has happened with my dad.

My husband doesn't agree with sending our daughter into 'paid' childcare because I am at home, and I just don't know what to do. Our health visitor has also recommended starting nursery for socialisation.

Thankyou

I think you have to meet requirements for funding at 2, which we don't as my husbands salary is very high.

Ah, you don’t have a “is nursery right for my daughter?” problem, you have a “DH is a cunt” problem.

He should pay, obviously, but won’t. So I would do as he suggests and use some of your inheritance on childcare – childminder might be cheaper – then get yourself a job for those days to pay for it instead. Inheritance on divorce proceedings and deposit on a new place. Get rid.

@PotteringAlong

Then I wouldn’t be spending money on sending my daughter to nursery when I didn’t need to in that case, because I would be saving every penny I could ready for the divorce…

I agree with this.

I’m a sahm and my 2 year old is just starting 2 mornings a week at preschool so I can get some time to myself. Go for it.

@Pissinthepottyplease is pre school the same as nursery?

If you’re unhappy in your marriage and not fulfilled as a SAHM I would think you need to get a job and put her into childcare while you do that. If you know your marriage is unlikely to last (understandable, he sounds vile) you are insane to step out of the world of work for any longer.

If the husband wasn’t clearly quite such a twat I would have said actually I can kind of see his point of view-you don’t work full time to financially support the family to then pay for childcare as well so your partner can get time off that you don’t have because you’re at work. I’d be livid if my partner suggested that. If you don’t want to be. SAHM you work like he does. HOWEVER, your updates about him rolling in at 3am drunk and not telling you where he is lost him any sympathy from me. I’m telling you that I think you should get back to work but that’s for your benefit.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken yes, I'd really like to get back into the working world. I know me and my husband won't last and that's partly why I want to go back to work so I can build a strong future for my daughter and myself alone

I’d take my inheritance and leave that dick of a husband.

I am a little shocked how many people thought this was totally reasonable BEFORE he updates about the twattiness of the bloke. Supporting another adult to stay at home is a big thing and paying even more money so they can have a break while you’re at work…I don’t think so. If being a SAHP turns out not to be working you go back to work, you don’t pay for childcare and continue to be at home having ‘me time’ surely?!

Caveat, as above this is NOT my opinion about the OP given her updates re the bloke’s general behaviour.

Perhaps you should suggest to your dh that you will be taking your 'me time' in the evenings and at weekends while he cares for his child.

Christ no, do it, how have you lasted that long?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken I don't mean 'me time' to sit around at home and don nothing, I mean 'me' time to go and build my career and earn money and have time to myself as a human, rather than a mum

YANBU, even putting aside the benefit to yourself of having some time to do your own thing, its a benefit to your daughter too, to get socialisation. I'm sending my son to nursery after christmas for that reason alone, time to myself being a nice side benefit of it.

Your DH is being unfair. I like the PP's idea of telling him you'll be getting your me time in the evenings and weekends then instead.

Pre school a couple sessions a week is a more affordable option! They can usually start at 2! If you want her go before it'll be nursery which is usually more costly. Tbf I was a stay at home parent and mine didn't start until 2.5ish just because my two turned 2 in the spring/summer and I wanted to wait until the September for the new term at pre school. Most people at the very least put their children into playgroup around 2-3. It's great for socialisation and developing skills outside the home.

@Kaley3043 ah that's great to know! I'll look into preschool as an option!

Yes it's a great idea - especially for your first. I did it from 15 months..

Get that divorce under way. Before he can get his sticky mats on your dads money.

@Deadringer

Perhaps you should suggest to your dh that you will be taking your 'me time' in the evenings and at weekends while he cares for his child.

That’s exactly why my usual opinion on this does not apply to the OP. They should have equal downtime and the husband doing nothing outside of working hours gives her free reign to spend some of their money on childcare so she gets the same. I just think that if she’s heading towards divorce her absolute priority should be getting back into paid work pronto. Building a business will take time and you have to be one of the lucky ones if it’s going to be enough to support you and your child as a single mum. Is that honestly realistic or would getting a paid job be far more sensible if you want to get yourself in a position to leave him? He sounds like the kind of bloke who would avoid paying any form of child support so I wouldn’t count on that coming out of his high earnings.

@lollypop29

At the moment my husband is saying to me if I want her to go to nursery I will have to pay for it out of the inheritance I receive from my dads as he won't pay for me to have time to myself via our daughter going into nursery.

I don't see a problem with this personally.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken the only problem with going into paid work rather than my own business is the kind of career I had before having my daughter was city based, and if I were to go back into something similar it would need to be city based - however if we divorce I won't be able to afford a house anywhere near the city which is why I thought my own business was a good idea. I know it'll take time to build it up which is what I'd do before divorce but yes a permanent job would be more realistic.

What’s the point of a high earning husband if he won’t spend a little money making his wife and child happy?! He sounds awful. Definitely start looking for part time work and go from there.

I’d concentrate on your happiness and stability and think about your business plans later, it could take a good few years to get a new business off the ground plus a lot of stress and pressure.

@Summerfun54321 yes, that's very true...perhaps I'll look for a little part time job in retail or something for now

@lollypop29

Yes, we can afford it and he has the weekends and every evening to himself. He goes out multiple times a week without even communicating with me that's he's going out, so often I'll be sitting at home wondering what he's up to and he'll roll in drunk on a Monday night at 3am, without even a simple text to say he's going out after work

So he never spends time with your child? How come? Does he hate her? What if you died...would he hand her over to relatives?

OK do you know he is a,twst
Do what you need to gain financial independence
I am sure your dad won't mind you spending first year nursery fees.
Your dh thinks you wo t gi ahead if he makes these demands
Do it.
And get lawyered up
And money into sole account he cannot spend
Check his pension etc

I know it'll take time to build it up which is what I'd do before divorce

Christ, no. Divorce first. Seriously, divorce him first.

My daughter is in nursery 4 mornings a week for socialization, we can afford it and it gives me time to run the house, food shop etc, as you said you can't pour from an empty jar but you have bigger issues than needing some "me" time. People are so judgemental but this works for my husband, myself and my child, and yes sometimes I spend the time reading a good book and enjoying a cup of tea.