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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to put daughter into nursery

142 replies

lollypop29 · 13/09/2021 18:00

Hi everyone

Im feeling pretty sensitive right now so please no nasty comments.

Am I being unreasonable in the fact id like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week - starting in 6 months time (which will make her 22 months old)

I am a stay at home mum and my husband works very long hours...id really like to put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week, both so I can focus on doing something for myself like starting a business and so my daughter can socialise more.

I love being a SAHM but I do miss having something for 'me' like my own money and my own ambitions. My dad also passed away two weeks ago today and I feel like the grief of this is also making me crave time to myself, as I'm sure we all know with a toddler days are pretty noisy and I'm finding I can't sit and process or even think about what has happened with my dad.

My husband doesn't agree with sending our daughter into 'paid' childcare because I am at home, and I just don't know what to do. Our health visitor has also recommended starting nursery for socialisation.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
lollypop29 · 13/09/2021 18:53

@Icecreamsoda99 good for you 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

OP posts:
Original poster
lollypop29 · 13/09/2021 18:54

@ViciousJackdaw really? Why do you think I should divorce first? I was hoping to build my business and have financial stability before I divorced

OP posts:
Pissinthepottyplease · 13/09/2021 18:55

[quote lollypop29]@Pissinthepottyplease is pre school the same as nursery?[/quote]
Yes, it’s interchangeable.

My daughter is just doing 9 to 12, twice a week and term time.

Pissinthepottyplease · 13/09/2021 18:55

Just to add my older DD did 2 days a week at that age when I became I sahm because she was used to it and enjoyed it.

Original poster
lollypop29 · 13/09/2021 18:56

@Pissinthepottyplease ah something like that would be great!

OP posts:
mangowithasqueezeoflime · 13/09/2021 19:02

I was in a new job, didn't have family around and DP is a student. Put our baby in nursery at 4.5m. Hes 10m now and not one NCT mum is back at work. I didnt have time to feel bad I need to earn!

He's so social. Loves being around people. Hes bold and not shy at all. In many ways he's ahead of his NCT peers. I don't take credit- its because he is around older babies and toddlers.

Also we don't have to do messy play at home!

Daycare dotes on him and he is always happy at drop off and pickup.

1 vote for daycare; 0 votes for your H who sounds like an ass.

Guineapigbridge · 13/09/2021 19:02

Don't ask permission, just do it. Your child is shared so however you run your financial affairs, half the cost of nursery is his. Any normal person with empathy would not begrudge you grieving your father appropriately, nor would they resent someone wanting a bit of space from a toddler. Toddlers are dicks.

Dddccc · 13/09/2021 19:11

So when are his 2 days off with no kid and no work? And no i don't think he should pay for you to have days off however if it was for going to work then you would pay half each

GettingItOutThere · 13/09/2021 19:12

tell him he either has her all day saturday/sunday or she goes to nursery - he will change his mind!

he sounds like a knob and no you are not unreasonable wanting to put her in nursery! shes 22 months be a good thing for her

Nonononomaybe · 13/09/2021 19:14

I am a SAHM with 2DC, the oldest has just started school. The oldest went to nursery 2 x 6 hour days a week at 16 months (just before the younger one arrived) and the youngest went 2 days a week at 12 months. Everyone benefited from it - them from ‘socializing’, me from having quiet time & time to exercise etc, and DH from seeing his children develop and having a happier more relaxed wife! If you can afford it, do it. The more I hear about your DH the less I like him. He sounds like a prick.
Sorry to hear about your dad 💐

Blueroses99 · 13/09/2021 19:15

Pre-school and nursery are not interchangeable where I live!

Pre-school is specifically the academic year before the child starts Reception, September to July, usually attached to a school so term time only, children will be 3-4, and it might be called the nursery year group of the school.

Whereas nursery is from age 3/6 months up, can be all year round or term time only. The oldest class of 3-4 year olds might be called pre-school as it’s the year before they start Reception.

Yes I know it is confusing…

godmum56 · 13/09/2021 19:15

@lollypop29

Yes, we can afford it and he has the weekends and every evening to himself. He goes out multiple times a week without even communicating with me that's he's going out, so often I'll be sitting at home wondering what he's up to and he'll roll in drunk on a Monday night at 3am, without even a simple text to say he's going out after work
so as is often the case, the problem is not the problem.
orishan · 13/09/2021 19:17

Your husband is used to free childcare so doesn't understand why he should pay for something he's already getting. But he clearly doesn't understand the mental physical cost that comes from looking after kids full time so IMHO his views don't really count. He might never agree but you are completely justified to get some time back. My daughter was desperate to go to nursery by 2 and I really struggled to keep her amused all the time by that age. She loved nursery when she started as they gave her so much more to do than I would at home

Blueroses99 · 13/09/2021 19:18

Anyway to the point of the post, I agree with PP that you’re better off getting a job than building a business at this time. It’s absolutely justifiable to use paid childcare for allow you to work or retrain. Hopefully you wouldn’t have to touch your inheritance as you would be earning?

Your DH attitude to shared finances and his responsibility stinks.

Original poster
lollypop29 · 13/09/2021 19:20

Thankyou everyone. Going to hop off now to put DD to bed Thanks

OP posts:
Mummabug18 · 13/09/2021 19:20

If my husband made feel like this when he can't be bothered to consider me when he's swanning about, he'd be going to work with a new walk! Get nursery sorted and pay using a credit card or something in your name that won't be so obvious when repaying. If he is at work then he won't bloody know anyway. Why should you respect his opinion when he doesn't respect you or even have a clue what it's like to be a full-time parent!? He should learn to appreciate what he has in you! 💐

Kdubs1981 · 13/09/2021 19:23

@Dddccc

So when are his 2 days off with no kid and no work? And no i don't think he should pay for you to have days off however if it was for going to work then you would pay half each
Errr... every weekend are his days off... currently it's 7vs 5 day weeks working
Howshouldibehave · 13/09/2021 19:25

Two full days at nursery will be expensive-it’s £50+ a day here. I can understand why the person paying the bills wouldn’t be keen to pay that when you’ve decided to stay at home. If you had a paid job in those hours rather than were thinking about starting a business, that would be different.

If he’s a dick and you want to leave him though, that’s a whole other thread.

Dddccc · 13/09/2021 19:32

@Kdubs1981
No he is at home with said child but does also go out the amount of free time sahps have my dp was a stay at home and honestly if he said I am going to put ds into nursery and you are paying while he does not earn a income I would refuse too however if it was so he could get a job then I would have no objection to paying half as it would be more income into the house hold

Orla1970 · 13/09/2021 19:40

Hi did you miss the bit about OP’s husband going out several times a week after work and rolling in drunk at 3am and also out at weekend? So he is not doing any childcare whatsoever so perfectly reasonable for OP to want some alone time and they can afford the nursery. Husbands social life sounds expensive too. Plus he is a twat

Orla1970 · 13/09/2021 19:43

OP very sorry about your dad. I think nursery or preschool sounds a good idea for your daughter and you. If you’re going to go back to work or start a business it will get her used to not being cared for solely by you.

I think it will also give you some headspace to have a think about your future properly.

Good luck and take care. Losing your dad is something I’m still adjusting to. It feels very odd not to have a dad anymore. V odd indeed x

DeepaBeesKit · 13/09/2021 19:50

That's what I said to my husband but he doesn't agree with me having time alone or time to myself for 'me' and having to pay for childcare so I can have that...

It's a lot of money to spend for you to have "time for yourself". If it's to get a job/start a business then it makes sense as it will pay for itself. But if it's just to have time alone cant you do that at other times when your husband is off work? Go out in the evenings when DC is asleep, or on the weekends when your DH can be with her.

Have you got skills/experience to start a business? Its not easy to make money working for yourself - if you want a source of income most people are better suited to employment.

SomebodysMum · 13/09/2021 19:53

Invoice him for all the childcare, cleaning, cooking, admin, shopping, etc that you have provided over 50% of the time. After all you are equally responsible for your child and running your house so he should be doing 50% or paying for it to be done.

Don’t forget to charge an appropriate rate for all the night time parenting that I bet he has done none of.

Out of that pay him back half of all the bills he has paid while you’ve been a SAHM then spend the rest on nursery or whatever else you want. Ideally a divorce lawyer.

You could also apply an appropriate ‘living with a cunt’ tax to the invoice but maybe that’s going too far.

RazorSharp · 13/09/2021 19:54

@lollypop29

Yes, we can afford it and he has the weekends and every evening to himself. He goes out multiple times a week without even communicating with me that's he's going out, so often I'll be sitting at home wondering what he's up to and he'll roll in drunk on a Monday night at 3am, without even a simple text to say he's going out after work
Save your money for a divorce!
Plumtree391 · 13/09/2021 19:54

Go for it, never mind what your husband says. If she doesn't like the nursery you can always take her out but it's worth a try. She may love it!

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