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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave a small child high and dry?

496 replies

SewhereIam · 13/09/2021 13:33

I give a lift to a boy in my dd's class, and drop him off after school. They live 30 mins from school, so I drive 20 mins in the wrong direction and then 30 mins on to school, and the same in the afternoon. We live a 10 min drive from school so it adds 40 mins to our morning.

I don't pick up my dd one evening after school, and don't drop off the following morning, due to ex--p's access. The mother of the other child has said I still need to do her school run as she has no other way of him getting to or from school. He is reception aged.

The child is always ready on time and is a lovely little boy, but nothing is contributed towards petrol etc and, while I don't expect it, I thought it was a short term thing while she sorted out suitable transport. It turns out I seem to be that suitable transport and she expects this for the rest of the school year!

I feel bad for saying that I will not collect her child.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 13/09/2021 14:33

I think I'd text with the message that you don't live anywhere near her and you aren't able to provide lifts, you only did it as you thought it was a one off emergency.

Seriously Op you need to end this or you'll be doing it for the next 7 years. We all have emergencies when we need a hand out, but not every day.

I can't even imagine what goes through people's minds to ask a stranger to give a lift to someone else's kid. Do you know either of the mums?

drpet49 · 13/09/2021 14:33

* This is insane, why are you sacrificing an extra 40 mins in bed in the mornings to pick up a stranger's kid? Are you really making your kids get ready 40 mins before they need to - why are you putting this random kid's need before your own kids needs?*

^This

ManifestDestinee · 13/09/2021 14:33

The mother of the other child has said I still need to do her school run as she has no other way of him getting to or from school

And presumably you laughed?

PicardyRose · 13/09/2021 14:33

Even if you costed your time at NMW (about £60) and fuel at 40 p per mile (guess 20 per week), it is costing you £80 as a goodwill gesture for someone who is not a close friend or relative.
Bonkers!

CoronaPeroni · 13/09/2021 14:33

Does she know you are going out of your way?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/09/2021 14:34

You need to?
Fuck that.
I strongly advise you withdraw any offer of transport because she's going to be a bloody nightmare

If you don't tell her she's taking the piss she'll be demanding free taxi service from you for years.

INeedNewShoes · 13/09/2021 14:34

Oh my goodness OP, you need to extract yourself from this arrangement fully and straight away.

You cannot have responsibility for getting someone else's child to school (and I would say that even if you didn't have a massive detour to make).

The parents have to be able to get their child to school.

And actually, what about your responsibility to your child? They should be your priority and I wouldn't want DD having to traipse back and forth like this forever more.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 13/09/2021 14:36

It is a bit much for you to put yourself out like this . But I would suggest message her to say you can't do it any longer as it is very inconvenient. But I would suggest give her notice and you continue until half term and then she should find other arrangements from then on. She will find a way.

SafferUpNorth · 13/09/2021 14:37

@Redwinestillfine

Give her a cut off date. Say it's all a bit much and won't work long term. Say as a guesture of good will you are happy to continue until the end of the week but she will have to arrange alternative transportation for next week.
No no no. It has to stop right now. What's the "gesture of goodwill" for??!! This was only ever supposed to be a one-off, but by the sound of it, OP has let it slide into an ongoing arrangement. Time to stand firm or else the CF mum will find a way to guilt her into continuing.
PicardyRose · 13/09/2021 14:37

@PreparationPreparationPrep, no way until half term, it needs to stop today!

Notebooksarefabulous · 13/09/2021 14:37

You've been very kind but I would refuse from now on. You arent her kids taxi.

Houseofvelour · 13/09/2021 14:38

"Hi (cheeky bitch),

I was happy to help you with school runs for one day and as it has now been a week, it's come to my realisation that you expect me to do this long term.
That will not be happening. You live 20 mins in the wrong direction of the school and although your son is a pleasure, it is not fair to expect me to drive an extra 40 minutes a day.
Might I suggest you find suitable transport (you can find bus timetables online) or move your son to a closer school.

Regards,
One very pissed off MNetter"

Standrewsschool · 13/09/2021 14:38

Her child’s journey is not your responsibilty. She should have thought of that before agreeing to sending him to this school, and why did she choose this school if she couldn’t get him there!

As others have said, you thought it was a one off and not a regular commitment. If she offers to pay you fuel money, still refuse. The time is ridiculous, and before you know it, you’ll be asked to look after little Johnny when she works late, does her shopping etc.

You’re not leaving the child high and dry, the mother is.

(And you’ll be astonished how quickly that she finds another ‘volunteer’ )

ManifestDestinee · 13/09/2021 14:39

/Give her a cut off date

Good idea. I suggest 12/09/21.

Katela18 · 13/09/2021 14:39

Why on earth would she register her child in a school she can't get him to...bonkers!

He might be a lovely boy but this is massively inconveniencing you and your child. It's her issue to sort.

Boombadoom · 13/09/2021 14:40

My god woman! You are a saint! You need to stop ALL transport.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2021 14:41

Yabu to have let it go on for a week
Say no

Notaroadrunner · 13/09/2021 14:42

@mummaelle

That's such a kind thing to do, I know she would appreciate this ❤️ Me being me would still have to pick up the child even if my child wasn't in that day because that's the sort of person I am, too kind for my own good.
@SewhereIam get this ones contact details as she's obviously eager to be a doormat so you can then send her number onto CF school mum instead of you being the doormat.
fruitbrewhaha · 13/09/2021 14:43

What am I reading?

No OP you do not need to do this.

RubyGoat · 13/09/2021 14:43

If she says again that you "need" to help her out with this, just say no, you don't. It doesn't work for you. She'll have to make her own arrangements. It's not your responsibility to sort out her messy life.

Don't apologise. Don't be browbeaten. Don't try to suggest ways she can sort it out. Don't try to solve it for her. Do presume she is a functioning adult.

If she chose to apply to, or was allocated to, a school that's 30 minutes drive from where she lives, that's either poor planning by her, or something she needs to take up with her council to see if there are funds available for transport.

londonrach · 13/09/2021 14:44

Madness...no and stop going 20 mins out of your way.. lift stops

Nanasueathome · 13/09/2021 14:45

@mummaelle

That's such a kind thing to do, I know she would appreciate this ❤️ Me being me would still have to pick up the child even if my child wasn't in that day because that's the sort of person I am, too kind for my own good.
So, if you lived 10mins drive away from the school you would drive 20mins the opposite way to pick up a child that had no connection/relationship with you And then after school you would drive 30 mins to drop the child off and then another 20mins back home Monday to Friday With your own child having to sit in the car for the entire time for both journeys? So an extra 50mins a day in the car for your child Also, no petrol money being given by the other parent, who you don’t really know
Comedycook · 13/09/2021 14:45

Imagine thinking your child getting to school was the responsibility of someone else. Cheeky cow

CoronaPeroni · 13/09/2021 14:45

Posters saying she chose this school but it might have been the only one available because nearer schools were oversubscribed or she applied late having only just moved to the area. No sane person would apply to a school a 20 minute drive away with no means of getting there!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2021 14:47

Absolutely message her and say you cannot (not 'will not') continue driving her son. And offer NO apologies and NO suggestions.

"I didn't realize that you thought this was a permanent arrangement as I considered it a temporary favour. At any rate I cannot continue to give XXX lifts to school. I will give XXX lifts today and tomorrow but after that you'll need to make other arrangements".

To say 'will not' implies you could but you won't. Cannot implies there is an 'insurmountable impediment'. And you don't need to give reasons, either. Giving reasons allows the other person to 'argue them away'.

Apologies and suggestions allow the person to guilt you and to say why your suggestions won't work and therefore you will need to continue.