Is my DN being rude?

[Kitfish]

I posted back in April about my niece's wedding.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4216145-Is-my-DN-being-rude

As she was having a small wedding I was not invited. I wanted to show my love and support so I sent a cheque for £200, which was cashed. I my original post, I asked whether MN thought my niece was being rude by not acknowledging my gift within a week. I was told I was being unreasonable as she would thank me AFTER the wedding. Anyway, it's now September (5 months later). Since the wedding, we've spoken by phone when she said thanks but haven't received a thank you note or card.

So, is my DN being rude or do people just not write thank you notes any more?

Extremely rude especially as you weren't invited but went to the trouble of sending a substantial gift. Very bad form on your niece and her DH's part

I always send a handwritten thank you note for every gift, it’s common courtesy. I think your DN is extremely rude.

She has thanked you. A card would be nice but times are changing and cards are not viewed the same by younger generations.

I don’t know anyone who sends handwritten thank you cards anymore

It’s either through messenger, on the phone or thanked in person

Ffs. People tend not to write or send Thank you cards any more. Also she has said Thank you when she spoke to you. Surely that is far nicer than a card (not cheap and postage).
Dependent upon your age I guess . Older people may still expect a card or even a letter but a quick general email, a phone call or sometimes nothing at all is more usual.
I don't want to be mean but they didn't invite you to the wedding , you then chose to gift them 200 quid. She has said Thanks. Move on.

By older generation standards it’s rude. But not by your DN’s ages standards and etiquette.

Manners moved on and sometimes the change causes conflict. She thanked you verbally which is normal for this generation. Hand written thank you notes - not so much.

Some people don't send thank you cards. As long as she thanked you, which you say she has, she may not be sending thank you cards.
Thank you cards are from the days in which there were no telephones or email and most communication was done by letter.
If they aren't sending thank you cards to anyone, that's not personal, it a society in flux (if they've sent thank you cards to everyone else then its rude).

But she has thanked you just not in a way you like.

For a formal event like a wedding where save the dates and proper invitations are sent out then I would expect a hand written thank you. Sometimes the B&G will wait for professional photos to use as a thank you card which can take a few months. If not a handwritten note I would still expect them to be polite by acknowledging thanks for exactly what you gifted.

She has thanked you. Why does the method of thanking matter?

To be honest you seem to be looking to find fault with her.

That's not on, she should have said thank you properly, not just over the phone! My dear great aunt sent us a cheque for £500 a few weeks before our wedding, I did cash it before the wedding as it was a huge help with the costs but made sure to send her a card straight away.

Oh my god this archaic formal thanking that people insist on. She said thanks on the phone, why on earth would you expect another thank you in a formal way? I think people would rather not have the gift than to have to grovel and thank in multiple different ways. Get with the times and get over yourself

we got married in 91 ..we only had a small wedding and everyone was thanked in person for their gift, but I felt a note with a little chit chat in it would be good too as a follow up. My mother had a few folks said how lovely it was to get a hand written note after the event, so it's been dying out for aaaages imo.

@AperolWhore

I always send a handwritten thank you note for every gift, it’s common courtesy. I think your DN is extremely rude.

Agree, even if you don't send thank you cards/notes for all gifts sending one for a Wedding Gift is standard and it's hardly a Herculean task. As for sending items through the post being so old fashioned I bet they sent invites by post didn't they.

Your DN is rude, very bad manners.

But she said thank you on the phone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never send thank you notes but do send a text or thank the person over the phone or in person. Your niece has done that. Thank you notes and cards aren’t really the done thing now.

Why are you still thinking about it 5 months later?

She has thanked you.

I've never received a thank you note for anything. Maybe its middle class thing?

She thanked you so why do you need a card?

Yup. Rude. My nephew got married just coming out of lockdown so very small wedding - which I was invited to. Sent card with cash gift. This was acknowledged in speeches and they sent me a lovely thank you card a couple of days later. It was much appreciated!

She has thanked you verbally. It would have been nice to get a written note or card as well, but the fact that she’s expressed her appreciation is OK.

I give gifts because I want to and I like the person. If they say thank you at the time or give me a call then that’s fine for me.

If not getting a thank you that is sufficiently appreciative for you will piss you off just don’t bother.

Maybe its middle class thing?

It’s a Hyacinth Bucket’ thing.

Wow, I’d feel the same as you, especially as your gift was substantial! We were married 3 years ago and I hand wrote notes to every guest and thanked them by phone etc in the weeks after our wedding as people were SO generous and it meant so much!

I got married in 2013 and sent handwritten thank you cards to everyone who sent a card and or a gift. It's still the done thing where I'm from

YABU. She has thanked you in person. No need for a card

Wouldn't even cross my mind to send a card. So nbu in my eyes